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[weepwritelive]

Letters to My Son - 2/8/26

We didn't get to see you today. It's okay. We know what a toll this has taken on your aunt and uncle. I just wish that it didn't have to be like this. It's truly taken such a toll on us all. I mean, I know I say it every day, but it's because it's true. You know, we haven't missed church in 3 weeks. I know it's silly considering we weren't necessarily consistent or practicing Catholics, but faith is all we have to hang onto. When we're trying to do things to stay busy so we don't dwell, we do the most ridiculous things to pass the time. I started a puzzle. I started putting together a lego set. Sure it helps but it also reminds me that I shouldn't have all this free time. It's a catch-22. It's been hard on everyone, but especially your dad who has never in his life felt such depression, grief, and anger. I can bottle it up a little better. Not saying that's a good thing, but I've just dealt with these feelings much longer. I mean, jeez, I did what any woman in her 30s does while going through a life altering crisis. I dyed my hair. After five years of not dying it and going grey. I said, "hey, why not." I thought a change would help distract me, or maybe give me some newfound feel good endorphins, but it didn't work. I think I've just dealt with these feelings much longer than your dad has, even if they weren't about you. However, those feelings, were walks in the park compared to what I am feeling now. We feel stuck. There's so much we want to do to get you back, but there is only so much we can do. All we can do is make sure that you are seen by every specialist available to you. We want you to be healthy, but we also want answers. Answers that will prove we'd never hurt you baby. I'm praying every single daythat these people will open their eyes and stop seeing us as monsters because they have blinders on and are refusing to accept that there is definitly a bigger picture here. DCF and the doctors that decide children are being abused can and will sometimes become so myopic that they refuse to accept and/or ignore that something else is going on, that there is a bigger picture here. I want you to know, we are going to figure it all out and bring you home with us where you belong.

Love MOM.

[weepwritelive]

Letters to my Son Part 2: Feb. 4th, 2026

It's 2:40 am. i can't sleep. It's like my brain just won't let me turn it off. Even if I do something like doom scroll on social media or bury myself in the Epstein files (if you ever do read this, you'll probably be old enough and enough time will have passed that it'll probably be history for you , like watergate was for me), that no matter what I do to distract myself, I always find myself thinking of you, thinking of everything that has happened to all of us, how it's turned our whole worlds upside down, and most of all how i deeply miss you. We did get to see you yesterday, and it was our first visit where we got to stay longer than an hour. You spent so much more of your time with us yesterday. Instead of distracted as you usually are, and I think it might have been because you could probably feel that we probably felt like sadness and pressure and tension from us feeling like we had to make sure you got all the love we had for you in an hour. Spending that time with you was so precious and beautiful, but ultimately it never felt like enough. I just want you home. When I miss you, I just come and sit in your nursery and even though sometimes it feels like torture, it also feels like it gives me hope that hopefully one day soon I'll get you back and you wont be too old for your crib. My biggest fear is you growing up and that we miss those important milestones. We've already missed you standing on your own for the first time. You'll be walking before you know it, and it doesn't sound like you'll be back in our arms when you finally take those steps. When I'm in the nursery, it makes me realize that I took all the little things for granted, because it's the little things that I miss so much. I go back to the last day you were in our home before the hospital and I think about how it was your first time eating strawberries and how I wish I could remember the little imcroexpressions you made when eating them. How I would smile when I would put Barney episodes that I watched as a kid because you were so intrigued. This feels like torture. I have spent my whole life dealing and battling with periodic depression. I have had so many traumatic experiences, and nothing, NOTHING, has ever made me feel like this. Never in my life did I think I could feel this amount of pain but also feel empty at the same time. Never in my life did I think I'd have to prove that I didn't hurt someone so small, someone so defenseless, and someone so precious as you. I fought for your existence. I wanted you for years. So did your father. And now we have to fight to get you back only nine months after we've finally had you. All of us. Your dad, me, your brother -- Our lives have drastically changed. You'd never think that something someone, so tiny, could have that much of an impact. We fight for you every day. I just want you back home where you belong.

[weepwritelive]

2/2/26

I came home this morning after two night shifts in a row. I'm glad my boss suggested my first day back be a weekend because it would likely be slow and give me ti.e to ease back in. I was walking into the hospital I work to do a job I loved doing, except this time I was walking into a hospital; somewhere like the place I took you to because I wanted for you to feel better, for the doctor's and nurses to tell me they'd figure it out and you'd be okay. Instead I got judged, accused, interrogated, and walked out of that building without you in my arms. A place where I try to make people feel safe when I do my job, made me live my worst nightmare. I still get flashbacks to the moment where we were excorted back to your room to get our things and the moment I felt like a light inside me got turned off and every ounce of pain I've ever felt in life turned on times 10. And I wasn't sure when the light would come back on and that pain would go away. And still, with all that, I went back to work trying to pretend life was normal; when it wasn't. I walked into rooms with smiles, greeting patients the same way the nurses would walk into ours, except they knew what was going on before we did. Sometimes I'd walk into those rooms getting deja vu, and I'd imagine I was the nurse looking at me on the recliner holding you in my arms as you slept. Sometimes I'd be sitting at my computer and I'd get images of your empty room and your little red dinosaur blanket with the tags on it. I flet a littl guilty because I knew how much you liked it, but I needed that little piece of you with me since I wasn't sure when I'd get to see you again.. With all that being back at work was hard, but I needed some normalcy. Because the closes thing I had to normal in my life without you were the 30 minute facetime calls where we had to try so hard to get your attention. Deep down, I knew it was a good thing. Cause it meant that you felt safe and loved with your aunt, uncle, and cousins, but watching you play or being fed, and getting your attention was so hard for me because those were things I was supposed to be doing with you, for you. But I'm trying. I'm doing everything I can so that when I see you, when I'm talking to you, you see me happy and you just recognize and remember the mom you know.

Love you baby.

[weepwritelive]

My IVF baby was taken after unexplained medical findings and I’m struggling with the guilt of needing answers

**For context, the first paragraph of the shelter hearing order lists allegations made by DCF (child protective services in my state). Those allegations omit significant medical information and alter parts of the accounts my husband and I gave. We are united, cooperative, and have been advocating for answers from the very beginning.**

**Our son is an IVF baby. We went through nearly five years of fertility treatments to have him. As part of that process, my husband and I had genetic carrier screening done, but the embryo itself was not genetically tested. I was found to carry a mutation associated with osteochondrodysplasia. Because of that, before any of these injuries ever happened, I already had concerns about the possibility of mosaicism or an underlying skeletal issue and was vigilant about bone health.**

**Months ago, our son had a head injury from a very short fall. From the start, I questioned whether such a minor incident should have caused a fracture and asked about bone density or fragility. I was told it was rare and likely a one-off. DCF investigated at that time, ruled it an accident, and closed the case.**

**Recently, our son became lethargic and unwell. I brought him to the ER because I was worried about a neurological issue. I’m an RN, and I noticed concerning signs like back and neck arching, lip smacking, and tongue thrusting. His labs and inflammatory markers were normal, but I didn’t feel safe going home and asked for overnight observation. The inpatient pediatrician agreed with my concerns, said seizures were a valid possibility, and planned an EEG to rule them out.**

**Early the next morning, he had projectile vomiting. Hours later, a stat CT showed an epidural hematoma, and he required emergency brain surgery. After the CT showed the bleed, it felt like the possibility of seizures was dismissed entirely, and the EEG was never performed, despite earlier agreement that my concerns were reasonable. We were told the bleed had to be from trauma, but we had no explanation for how. After surgery, I again asked whether bone density or fragility could be a factor and was dismissed.**

**Because the injury was unexplained, DCF was notified and a skeletal survey was ordered. That survey showed healed rib fractures and a clavicle deformity with sclerosis, findings not associated with any known trauma, pain, or loss of movement. DCF alleged the fractures were 1–2 weeks old, despite the medical documentation not specifying timing.**

**At that point, I became relentless about further evaluation. A geneticist eventually assessed our son and documented findings including blue or gray sclera, bowed legs, a sacral dimple, and other features that can be associated with bone or connective tissue disorders. We also later found nursery camera footage showing our son, alone and secure in his crib, making a sudden jerking motion and striking his head on the side where the bleed occurred.**

**Despite this, DCF removed our son from our care. This happened while we were exhausted, traumatized, and still waiting on medical results. Since then, additional labs have come back abnormal, including findings related to bone metabolism and clotting, and we are still trying to understand what they mean.**

**The hardest part is this.**

**I want my son to be healthy more than anything. I would give anything for all of this to have a simple, benign explanation. But I also need answers, because if there is an underlying medical issue, ignoring it helps no one, especially not him. Wanting answers makes me feel guilty, like I’m somehow wishing illness onto my baby, even though that’s the opposite of what I want.**

**I feel trapped between two impossible realities.**

**Being accused of harming my child when we didn’t, and hoping doctors find something medically wrong just so there is an explanation.**

**We are cooperating fully, pursuing every medical evaluation available, and working with legal counsel. I’m sharing this because I feel isolated and overwhelmed, and I need support from people who understand how devastating it is when uncertainty, medicine, and child welfare collide.**

**If you’ve been through anything similar, or even if you just have words of kindness, I’d really appreciate them. If you made it this for.. Thank you.**