I'm so depressed. I'm so very lonely. I want to make a post on FB as like a cry for help, but it'll just be seen as attention seeking and cringe. So I'm posting here.
I moved to a new city, I can't find a job, I'm food insecure, I have no gas money, and a very reluctant partner who wants me to help myself for us to be in a healthy relationship.
I'm physically disabled and mentally ill. Every day is painful for me, some worse than other, but it's been really bad lately. My mental health is deteriorating, I can't afford to take care of myself. I barely eat one meal a day, I can't even afford caffeine. Now I'm not going to be able to afford my 4 psych meds in a few days, so the withdrawals are going to hit really hard.
Oh and despite not eating, I'm gaining weight. I'm not even hungry most days why do I keep gaining? It's breaking my body and my spirit.
I'm so lonely, my partner thinks quality time is me sitting in the room while he plays online games with his friends for hours a day, while I maybe get an hour long show to watch with him every couple days. Idk why I'm even venting this part, I came to terms with it several months ago that he's never going to give me the quality time I want.
Not only did I move to a new city, but my best friend in the whole world moved states away a little over a year ago and surprise, now he has cancer and I can't go visit him because I have no money and no job.
There are more days than not that I believe I would be better off dead. I used to self harm as a teenager, and the urge has been strong to start up again. Good thing I'm about to be out of my meds though I guess, because I've been considering downing the full bottles.
I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this. My partner just gets awkward and says for me to tell him what I want him to do and I'm like?? Tf you mean. I can't talk to my mom because, while good intentioned, will always just say pray or look to God. And I don't want to bother my friend who was on the brink of death himself with my own wanting to die.
I think about it often. Crashing my car off a bridge, taking pills, walking out into a lake. I just want this endless cycle of suffering to end.
ellievsbear
amandla
prguitarman
