*warning overly personal comment ahead*
You know, Iâve been having a really tough time this last year. Money issues after losing my steady gig (not that money was great before), worrying health problems, battling constant anxiety and depression, lack of artistic fulfillment, loneliness, the lasting repercussions of having been involved with an emotionally abusive man, and other things⌠Itâs felt like a lot. And on top of this there is this big overarching thing, this weight that never quite lets go of me, and itâs the thought that I just want the world to be better, and for people to be better, and the nagging worry that Iâm not going to be able to find enough goodness out there to ever be really happy.
So I find myself looking for things that resonate with the values I hold dear, and clinging to them a little. Courage, honor, justice, loyalty, kindness, and above all, empathy - these are the things I want to see in he world. I try to uphold them myself, and of course I fail more often than I want to admit, even to myself, but I believe in them. I *want* to believe in them.
This is all a long-winded way of saying that The Avengers mean a lot to me, as silly as that sounds to most people. For all the reasons above and because they are a team, and I believe so strongly in community and fellowship and partnership and all such good things. I canât seem to find it in my own life, which is probably my greatest sorrow. But I watch the Avengers and I imagine I could be a part of something lasting and meaningful, and I could be as steadfast and just as Captain America, or as humble and self-reflective and self-sacrificing as Bruce Banner, or... Well, I just want to be an Avenger, I guess. *little smile*
Don't get me wrong, I am grateful beyond measure for my music career, difficult as it is to get by, and for my blog and the people who read it (and especially for every single comment or message from readers saying I have helped them to love themselves more or inspired them to be kinder to marginalized people in their lives, or anything like that; makes me tear up every time). I'm grateful that I live a life of relative privilege in many, many ways, and that I grew up with supportive parents and got a good education, and that I have a lot of things that people the world over would be over the moon to have, both tangibly and socially/in my societal status.
I just... Something, or some things, more accurately, are missing. And until I find them, I have to look for the things that remind me of what I'm hoping for. Truth, honesty, empathy, altruism, love... Someday maybe they will surround me and I will embody them in turn. Until then, I'll keep watching the Avengers and trying to be grateful for what I do have. If Mark Ruffallo can take the time to be grateful and to let the people following him know, I certainly can do the same. I am grateful for all of you here, for reading and commenting and for sharing your own struggles, and as well for promoting social justice and doing your parts to make the world better. My feed here is always full of things that matter, and that is another thing to give me a bit of hope. So again, thank you all.
Okay, now back to your regularly scheduled feminism and lingerie and baby animal posts. Or rather, soon I'll be back. Sorry I've been gone. Struggling a bit. I miss you all.
