Things I Want To Tell Him, but canâtâŚ
You are significant to me; you impact the way move through this world now.
You taught me, fairly quickly, that words matter just as much as action for they must measure up to each other. Never differ.
Though we will never be the same; and soon we wonât know each otherâŚI will always search for the short moments we shared in others.
I dream of looking into your eyes and feeling your skin run under my fingertips.
Iâve heard your voice only a few times but itâs embedded in my mind, so i read your words in that melody.
Before this past week; and before what I saidâŚeverything seemed to be burnt orange and hazing pinks and reds.
Iâll never get that letter. but iâve thought of what it wouldâve probably said in a thousand different ways.
I donât think you ever understood what I meant when I said you made me feel beyond myself.
Being beyond myself; is a outer body experience. Seeing myself walk centimeters above ground. Feeling my own face burn when your name came across my phone. Hearing my heart beat a little faster when youâd speak or watching myself feel too many emotions for you too fast and too soon.
Now being beyond myselfâŚis wearing off. I crashed last Saturday. I wrecked right into myself, so now that âouter body experienceâ is sunken. I am burried deep inside of my poor decisions and Iâm clawing at myself. No longer am I beyond. I am behind myself.
The words i love you came fairly fast; and now..to you..they seem misplaced and weightless. They drift pass your ears and sit alone. They hold no significance to you.
Despite them being taken advantage of before becoming acquainted with you; they still chose to fearlessly show themselves to you. The words i love you; took that risk and didnât care if they werenât greeted in returned. They threw themselves at you despite all their setbacks. They gave themselves to you when no other i love you would.
Yet; how could they stand with pride in your presence when they were eclipsed with anger? the words i hate you held more significance to you.
No matter how many times i love you apologized and tried to show you that they were real. that they were right. here. in front of you. It didnât matter bc i hate you were clinched in between your fist.
but love isnât impatient. isnât anger. isnât letting anxiety blind you from what matters. So is i love you truly who they thought they were? or were they just beyond themselves?
Iâm going to forever miss us. miss you. even if youâre hereâŚyouâll never truly come back.
i will accept that one dayâŚbut hurting you lost me. I donât talk much. I got rid of the razors bc the temptation they wisped around me this past week. I canât hold most foods so liquids get me through. My anxiety has subsided to allow my self deprecation and abuse take center stage.
I can apologize a thousand times; but it doesnât take anything away & i canât show you how i feel because iâm not allowed without looking insane.
I canât even acknowledge my own hurt; because It only stems from my words against you.
but healing is in place. and i will be okay in the future. and every day i pray the same over you.
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