Things I Want To Tell Him, but can’t…
You are significant to me; you impact the way move through this world now.
You taught me, fairly quickly, that words matter just as much as action for they must measure up to each other. Never differ.
Though we will never be the same; and soon we won’t know each other…I will always search for the short moments we shared in others.
I dream of looking into your eyes and feeling your skin run under my fingertips.
I’ve heard your voice only a few times but it’s embedded in my mind, so i read your words in that melody.
Before this past week; and before what I said…everything seemed to be burnt orange and hazing pinks and reds.
I’ll never get that letter. but i’ve thought of what it would’ve probably said in a thousand different ways.
I don’t think you ever understood what I meant when I said you made me feel beyond myself.
Being beyond myself; is a outer body experience. Seeing myself walk centimeters above ground. Feeling my own face burn when your name came across my phone. Hearing my heart beat a little faster when you’d speak or watching myself feel too many emotions for you too fast and too soon.
Now being beyond myself…is wearing off. I crashed last Saturday. I wrecked right into myself, so now that ‘outer body experience’ is sunken. I am burried deep inside of my poor decisions and I’m clawing at myself. No longer am I beyond. I am behind myself.
The words i love you came fairly fast; and now..to you..they seem misplaced and weightless. They drift pass your ears and sit alone. They hold no significance to you.
Despite them being taken advantage of before becoming acquainted with you; they still chose to fearlessly show themselves to you. The words i love you; took that risk and didn’t care if they weren’t greeted in returned. They threw themselves at you despite all their setbacks. They gave themselves to you when no other i love you would.
Yet; how could they stand with pride in your presence when they were eclipsed with anger? the words i hate you held more significance to you.
No matter how many times i love you apologized and tried to show you that they were real. that they were right. here. in front of you. It didn’t matter bc i hate you were clinched in between your fist.
but love isn’t impatient. isn’t anger. isn’t letting anxiety blind you from what matters. So is i love you truly who they thought they were? or were they just beyond themselves?
I’m going to forever miss us. miss you. even if you’re here…you’ll never truly come back.
i will accept that one day…but hurting you lost me. I don’t talk much. I got rid of the razors bc the temptation they wisped around me this past week. I can’t hold most foods so liquids get me through. My anxiety has subsided to allow my self deprecation and abuse take center stage.
I can apologize a thousand times; but it doesn’t take anything away & i can’t show you how i feel because i’m not allowed without looking insane.
I can’t even acknowledge my own hurt; because It only stems from my words against you.
but healing is in place. and i will be okay in the future. and every day i pray the same over you.
🌱
