I didn't leave the house all day yesterday and grew restless as time went on. I needed to be outside. I needed nature. I needed to connect with something, anything that is not myself. I find no company in solitude. I always distract myself. I always keep busy.
I tend to write, to read, then write some more. I'll watch something only if it engrosses me. Usually, I give a show or movie 10 minutes to impress me. To hook me. Sometimes, I only last 10 seconds before I have to turn it off. I don't like to think about how much I haven't been able to sit through. But what use is it torturing myself in watching something I'll only grow to hate as the minutes drag on? I listen to a lot of music but sometimes it just makes my mind wander and I begin to daydream instead of doing anything I deem productive.
Yesterday evening I couldn't concentrate on what I wanted to do. I felt so restless that my body made its way out the front door before I knew what was happening. With my armour (favourite jacket) on, I walked down my long driveway and walked a short while before circling back home. It wasn't enough.
Some time passed before I was back outside again. I longed for the cool air on my face. I wanted to be engulfed in darkness. I walked in the black of the night past the vineyard before stopping at the field. The trees ahead of me looked large but not threatening. The vineyard blended into nothingness but I avoided it for kangaroos.
I stood there for I don't know how long. I dared anyone to show themselves. To make a shadow a man. I just don't know how to be alone. I looked above me and stared at the stars. How could I not take the time to admire those winged creatures who watch over me every night? I pointed out Orion's Belt to no one, then made a note to start learning the different constellations.
One star in particular was so low and bright on the horizon, like a citrus waiting to be plucked from a tree. As I admired it, I wanted it close to me. I wondered to myself if I ate it would it plant a light within my chest.
I started walking up and down the path and made my end to turn around a pole. As I was talking myself out of my codependent behaviours, I kept turning before the pole and finally looked to who was stopping me short. It was one of the many crosses in the field. I don't know why they're there. I don't know their function.
He looked at me. I looked at Him. I felt my sins stack up in my heart and teared up. I began walking again and swallowed my tears, making sure my end point was the pole.
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