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"If you're constantly connected, you're going to feel anxiety," researcher says.

"The more people use their phone," Dr. Nancy Cheever told ABC News, "the more anxious they are about using their phone."

Man has little needs and deeper needs. We have fallen into the mistake of living from our little needs till we have almost lost our deeper needs in a sort of madness.

D.H. Lawrence

How important is it to talk about your feelings in an intimate relationship?

“The answers are, as with most things in the world of psychology, both simple and complicated at the same time. On the one hand, recent research has shown that even just naming a feeling, without doing anything more, can lessen the intensity of the emotion and help us manage it better. On the other hand, when you ask your romantic partner to tell you how he or she feels, you often have an agenda. That agenda most likely puts pressure on your partner. And that pressure makes it hard for her or him to label the feelings honestly, which then means that your partner doesn’t get the benefit of naming the feelings, and you end up feeling hurt, angry, and/or betrayed.

All of which means that when we talk about feelings in a situation in which the consequences are potentially painful or disruptive, we tend not to get the same benefit that we get when we talk about them, or even simply name them, in a neutral environment.So next time you ask your partner to talk about his or her feelings, keep these three ideas in mind...”

(full article here)

#psychology #relationships #love #communication #wellspring

Crying over sad television is also a modern example of what philosophers have referred to for thousands of years as the paradox of tragedy. “Sadness is a negative emotion that we don’t enjoy feeling, and tragic fiction makes us sad,” says Barnes. “And yet, somehow we seem to enjoy tragic fiction.”

One theory behind the paradox is that tragic fiction provides catharsis, or a purge of negative emotions. “It gives us something to focus those negative emotions on and get them out of our system." Other research has shown that people tend to feel better after crying.Another theory is based on what psychologists call meta-emotions: the feelings that we have about certain feelings. “

Although we’re feeling sadness, the meta-emotion we’re feeling might be something like gratitude that we can feel this wide range of emotional experiences,” Barnes says. “We might actually feel glad that we can be empathetic and feel things like this on behalf of someone else, even if they’re not real.”

How we went from depressive flannel and fog to anxiously monitoring our heart rates, twirling fidget spinners and streaming into meditation studios.

“According to data from the National Institute of Mental Health, some 38 percent of girls ages 13 through 17, and 26 percent of boys, have an anxiety disorder. On college campuses, anxiety is running well ahead of depression as the most common mental health concern, according to a 2016 national study of more than 150,000 students by the Center for Collegiate Mental Health at Pennsylvania State University. Meanwhile, the number of web searches involving the term has nearly doubled over the last five years, according to Google Trends. (The trendline for “depression” was relatively flat.)

To Kai Wright, the host of the politically themed podcast “The United States of Anxiety” from WNYC, which debuted this past fall, such numbers are all too explicable. “We’ve been at war since 2003, we’ve seen two recessions,” Mr. Wright said. “Just digital life alone has been a massive change. Work life has changed. Everything we consider to be normal has changed. And nobody seems to trust the people in charge to tell them where they fit into the future.”

#psychology #anxiety #stress #wellspring #mental health

via the Wellspring Counseling blog

At the end of each year, to great fanfare, Oxford Dictionaries selects its “word of the year”—a word or expression that has generated a large amount of attention in the culture over the preceding twelve months. And, while we’re only a few months into the new year, it seems a good bet that gaslighting—a term first coined way back in 1938—will emerge as a strong contender in 2017.

While those of us in the psychology field have long been aware of the phrase, it’s only recently started to appear with regularity in the culture at large, becoming especially prominent during the election. Gaslighting, essentially, refers to a form of manipulation, a psychological means of controlling somebody—most often wielded by narcissists, abusive partners, dictators and cult leaders—that causes the victim to question their own sanity. The process often happens gradually, but eventually progresses to the point where the victim can no longer trust their own perceptions or beliefs, often leading to isolation, depression, anxiety, and increased dependence on the manipulator. However, the reason the term is gaining increased relevance this year is not because of a rise in narcissists or abusive partners in our society. Rather, it’s because some concerned citizens—psychologists, doctors, and historians among them—fear our entire body politic is currently at risk of being gaslighted by those in power.

The phrase itself originated with a 1938 play, Gaslight, which was later turned into a film in 1944, starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. It tells the tale of a nefarious husband, after his new wife’s jewels, who attempts to drive her crazy in order to have her institutionalized. He deploys various techniques to achieve this end, most notably by dimming and raising the gas lights in their home and then, when questioned about it, denying any such change had occurred, suggesting it must be a figment of her imagination. Over time, his manipulative tactics work: the wife begins to doubt herself and, eventually, her own grip on reality.

In modern times, those attempting to gaslight us—consciously or not—usually adhere to a fairly predictable playbook. Taken as a whole, their tactics might appear rather obvious in retrospect. But remember, gaslighting doesn’t happen overnight; it’s a slow, gradual process aimed at steadily eroding our own sense of confidence and stability, leaving us vulnerable to manipulation. Anyone can be susceptible to gaslighting, no matter their personality, intelligence, income level, or family background. As such, it’s become increasingly vital that we learn to identify it when it’s happening. Awareness is key: if we know the signs, we can know what to look for—and then label it for what it is rather than succumbing to it.

The four irrational beliefs that cause us to procrastinate.

Here's how can you turn these irrational thoughts into a blueprint for timeliness:

Address the fear of success. If being constantly late with your obligations causes you to risk losing everything you’ve worked for, consider the possibility that self-handicapping is keeping you from going full tilt to reach your goals. Challenge your beliefs that those who love you don't want you to succeed because chances are that they will rejoice in your accomplishments.

Build your self-efficacy to self-regulate. Convinced that you can’t handle your responsibilities in a timely manner? Discouraged about your ability to organize and manage your time? Practice taking on small tasks that you know you can manage, focusing on jobs that are due in the not-too-distant future. Once you see that you can plan successfully, you can extend the range and time frame of your due dates, increasing both your sense of accomplishment and belief in your own abilities.

Find your thrills in ways other than procrastinating. Stop flirting with danger by working too close to deadlines. Instead of thinking about the times you managed to avoid disaster by coming in with your work at the last minute, focus your attention on the times you actually miscalculated and got into trouble. If you know you’re a hopeless deadline-pusher, though, then force yourself to adopt your own, internally generated deadlines. Eventually, you should be able to stretch those out over the longer term.

Moderate perfectionism with an action orientation. It’s great to want to achieve the best outcome possible, but not if it comes at the price of missing out on an opportunity or seeming to be no more punctual than the careless procrastinator. If you feel that you can’t overcome this tendency on your own, find a work or study partner who is strong on “locomotion” and can help you learn ways to focus on getting the job done well and quickly.

Even when times get tough

Here’s what Tim Wilson, psychology professor and author, says can help you be more resilient:

Your conscious mind isn’t always accurate: And this leads to problems.

You will feel better: Because you don’t know yourself all that well, you’re terrible at predicting how you’ll feel in the future. Your storyteller exaggerates. Remember this.

You have a “psychological immune system”: You may feel lousy now but, with time, your mind will rewrite your story with a happier ending.

Help that storyteller out: You can accelerate emotional recovery by writing about your problems.

Actions speak louder than words: If you want to get to know yourself better so you can make smart decisions and avoid future problems, pay attention to your behavior, not your thoughts. But the truth can hurt.

Do good, be good: Your story will follow your actions.

You’re a bit of a mystery — even to yourself. Don’t worry; it keeps things interesting.

When times get tough and you don’t know how you’re going to stay resilient, remember not to trust the doom and gloom coming from that voice in your head. The voice is an overconfident storyteller who exaggerates, not the “truth.”

Your psychological immune system is slowly getting into gear. And some scribbling can help it along. You can get to know yourself better by watching your behavior. And if you act like the kind of person you want to be, you’ll start telling yourself an accurate and positive story about your life.

Embracing neurodiversity can be a key to business success.

#byline_ jonah sachs

We tend to exaggerate the impact of future events on our happiness and how lasting that impact will be. We tend to think that if something bad happens to us, that we’ll feel terrible forever, or at least for a very long time. The truth is, good things do make us feel good and bad things make us feel bad, but for not nearly as long as we think. We’re very resilient creatures who recover as quick as we can from the pitfalls in life.

Tim Wilson, Redirect: Changing the Stories We Live By

It all starts with a mindful morning ritual

Dissociation from oneself has long-term implications for who we become.

To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places—and there are so many—where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.

Howard Zinn

Each episode of Perel’s riveting new podcast, “Where Should We Begin?,” is a recording of a real, unscripted consultation session with a real couple.

“People are hungry for truth in every sector of life. It’s the antidote, or the antithesis may be better, to the jolly faces that are promenading on social media.” Nobody ever knows what goes on in the life of another couple, she said, but, by listening to them, “you very quickly realize that you are standing in front of the mirror, and that the people that you are listening to are going to give you the words and the language for the conversations you want to have.”

Perel sees her show as a public service for a group of people badly in need of support. “The couple today is treated as the central unit of the family. And the only reason the family survives is if the couple is remotely content. Families are not held together by kids, by female oppression, by economic dependence, by legalities that prevent divorce,” she said. “And never has this one unit of two had to fill so many expectations. Because, today, we have to give one person what an entire village used to provide”—financial and emotional support, companionship, entertainment, friendship, familiarity, mystery, love, sex, the works.”

#podcast

Build your mental muscle with a few brain training exercises.

My destination is no longer a place, rather a new way of seeing.

Marcel Proust

Wellspring therapist Caitlin Cotter, on how mindfulness practice can reduce your stress levels & improve your overall well-being

If you're like most of us, chances are you're feeling pretty stressed out lately. The actual stressors in our lives might be variable, but stress itself is something we all experience on a daily basis—and it seems that, in 2017, we're feeling it more than ever. In fact, according to a recent report from the American Psychological Association, Americans are experiencing higher levels of stress and anxiety right now than at any other time in the past decade.

It's important to remember that "stress" is defined by our response to a particular situation, rather than the situation itself. The terror I experience at the top of a high ladder, for example, might not be something you would feel in the exact same setting. Feeling stress simply means that our brain has identified some kind of threat and responded by kicking our sympathetic nervous system (the “fight/flight/freeze" response) into high gear. This happens automatically, and quickly generates a cluster of responses familiar to all of us: butterflies in the stomach, racing heartbeat, sweaty palms, tension in the neck and shoulders. These physiological responses are designed to help us act fast and protect us from immediate danger.

For obvious reasons, this stress response is very helpful in certain situations, like when a car in front of us stops suddenly, or we stumble upon a bear in the woods. We are quickly able to run away, fight back if attacked, or freeze so that the danger passes us by. However, complications arise when we are faced with longer-term stress situations, such as chronic illness or financial strain; in fact, the stress response can even be activated in situations where our physical or emotional safety aren't being directly threatened, like in the case of an intense work deadline.

Typically, after a threat has passed, our parasympathetic nervous system turns on to balance out the initial SNS response. This helps us “rest and digest” and restores us to a sense of well-being. But in situations of chronic stress, we are often unable to activate the body's natural ability to de-escalate. This can quickly lead to insomnia, digestive issues, aches and pains, frequent colds, irritability, low energy, and feeling overwhelmed. Symptoms vary depending on the person, but both physical and mental health are eventually impacted.

Thankfully, there's something we can do to stem the tide and restore balance to our increasingly stressful lives. Over thirty years of research has shown that mindfulness can be a very useful tool for getting us out of our destructive stress response patterns, and into a place of greater well-being and health.

“Mindfulness” simply means paying attention to the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that are happening to us in the present moment. Or, to put it another way, it means to be awake, rather than lost in ruminations about the past or anxieties about the future. The present moment is where we can best access our creativity, our connection to others, and our decision-making skills. If we are lost in the past or swept up in future worries, we have much less energy to put towards these important activities, all of which can be key to coping with stressful situations.

Mindfulness also includes taking a non-judgmental and curious approach to these present moment experiences. By stepping into a mode of being a compassionate, present observer of whatever is happening, we can learn to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. This helps us step out of destructive patterns and into actions that bring more relief. Studies have shown that, over time, the brain can actually rewire itself—so that we actually find ourselves in these destructive patterns far less often.

MRI scans now allow us to see that when we are engaging in mindfulness, the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for awareness and decision making—can actually “turn down” the SNS response. After just eight weeks of mindfulness practice, these scans show increased grey matter in the prefrontal cortex, and far less in the amygdala, where the alarm bell of the SNS response originates. These brain changes have been linked to reduced stress reactions in participants as well.

Practicing mindfulness doesn’t mean that the SNS response stops getting activated, or that we never have worries, or that the pit in our stomach never appears. But it does allow us to slow down enough to notice these signs of stress and to ask ourselves “What is happening right now?” or “What do I need right now?” Intervening in these ways—noticing our thoughts and our responses to them—can help us calm our nervous system, which helps us break our chronic stress response patterns. Through mindfulness practice, we are able to learn what makes us feel better and develop a set of tools for dealing with stress.

Stress is a part of life. Mindfulness doesn't eliminate stress, but it does give us more effective ways to respond to it. Here are a few ways you can start cultivating mindfulness in your life today:

Engage in a formal meditation practice, which may be rooted in either a secular or religious tradition.

Take a class! Wellspring is currently offering Mindful Awareness Stabilization Training (M.A.S.T.), a four week course focused on beginning mindfulness for improved well-being. Read more about the class here.

Use apps such as Headspace, Smiling Mind or iMindfulness to help you carve out the time and get some guidance.

Try it at home. Pick an everyday activity like brushing your teeth or eating breakfast and start experimenting with trying to be present. The most important thing to remember is that there is no “right” time—every new moment is an opportunity for presence. Here are a few more resources to help you get you started.

#mindfulness #stress #peace of mind #wellspring

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