"She's pregnant, call an ambulance!" I heard a voice yell, what felt like hours later. I can't even remember what happened, All I remember is strong gusts of wind blowing my car side to side, and feeling terrified.
"Mrs, we are going to get you help whats your name?" The same man asked.
I didn't know what to say. I know my name, I just can't talk, he words start to come out but then I get afraid of what I'll say.
"Hun, I really need to know your name? I just want to be able to communicate with you.." I heard a woman say this time.
I pushed the word out as best I could but I am pretty sure I I called my self.. "Kardrah"
"Do you have a cell, anyone you want to call?" The lady asked again.
I reached in my pocket and pulled out my phone. The firs face that came to mind was Jensen. "Jensen." I mumbled before the whole world faded around me.
I woke up, feeling a lot of pain, I couldn't move my body, and something just didn't feel right. I couldn't feel my baby at all. My eyes popped open, and I realized I was in a hospital room, I had no memory at all of how I got here. I looked around a room filled with more cards and flowers and balloons, I could imagine. I ran my hand over my face, and felt tubes going in my nose, and a patch on my right eye. The more I woke up the more I felt empty, I knew something wasn't right. I quickly pushed the nurses button. "Do you need something Mr. Michles?"
Why would they ask Jensen? I haven't been out that long had I? "Um, Jensen isn't here..I'm Karter and I need a doctor.." I said..
The next minuet the room was filled with nurses and doctors, they took the patch off, and flashed a light in my eye, that I saw very dimly, and checked my pulse, and asked me all kinds of questions. Jensen came running in seconds later also, he yelled "Don't tell her anything!" As a nurse pushed him out of the room. Finally they all started backing off, and all that was left was my doctor. Jensen walked in, and ran over to me, hugging me and grabbing my hand. Then whispered in my ear, "I missed you so much!" And kissed my head again, looked at Dr. Fields and nodding, as if telling him he could speak.
"Before you say anything, I can't feel my baby..I know something is wrong." I said.
They both fell silent. I looked at each of them, knowing something was terribly wrong. "What!?" I yelled.
Jensen grabbed my hand. It was all sweaty, and clammy. I felt my throat closing up. I had tears falling from my eyes.
"You were in a terrible accident Karter..Your flipped off the freeway and into a ditch, which was lucky because there was a tornado that touched down."
I looked at Jensen, he had tears fighting their way out his eyes, but they wouldn't fall..
"We tried to save you're baby, but you have been in coma, for three months, by your eighth month, the baby decided it was time to enter the world, he was born 8 weeks early. We tried to save him as much as we could, bu he passed shortly after birth. He died two days later."
"No!" I yelled, and pulled out my IV, and oxygen hoses, and tried jumping out of the bed, Jensen grabbed my waste and pulled me down. I was fighting as much as I could to get away, I had to get out of that room, I was hurting to much. I never really felt a connection with the baby, I never really wanted the baby. Until now. Now that he's gone, and I know I'll never see him. I looked around, I felt like the walls were closing in on me, I felt suffocated. I couldn't be in here. "Get off me!" I yelled, and clawed his arm, knowing it would be the only way to get him off me.
After I got free, I ran for the door, and ran down the hallway, I couldn't wait for the elevator, so I took the steps, I could Jensen yelling my name.
I really didn't care.
I heard the door, slam from the floor, so I ran quicker, I finally reached the lobby, and ran out...I thought of someplace I could go, and the first place I thought, was by a lake. I scanned the parking lot for Jensen's truck, when I found it..I ran for it as fast as I could. I looked back at the hospital, knowing I should go back, but I just couldn't. I couldn't go in there, and face the doctors and Jensen, and I can't go in there and listen to everyone tell me it's going to be okay, because it's not! I just won't be okay. Ever again. I am to young to have lost a child. A child I didn't even realize I loved so much. I can't go in the place my baby died, and pretend it's going to be okay, I can't going there and listen to everyone telling me he was a cute happy baby..which I imagine he wasn't at only two says old.I can't handle the guilt I have. As I reached Jensen's truck, and grabbed the locked door, I felt an overwhelming heat, and I couldn't take this pain, I screamed as I dropped to the ground. "I need to get out of here!"
I cried slapping my hands against the truck. "I need my baby!" I said.
"Hey, hey love.." I heard Jensen said, and he was trying to grab me. "Get away from me,. I need to get my baby.." I said/
"He;s gone, Karter, you won't find him in my truck, you won't find him in the next hospital or the next, he is gone." He said grabbing my arms and holding them at the wrists.
"No.." I said, and started crying a little less. "I want..I NEED my baby..I need to find him!" I said. "Let me in the truck." I said and pushed him. He stumbled back, and ran his fingers through his hair, I felt bad because he didn't know what to do. But my baby isn't dead, I didn't even get to hold him, I haven't felt his skin, I haven't heard his cry, and he just can't be gone. He is alive somewhere, and I am determined to find him. "Let me in the truck! I need to find my baby!" I yelled.
"Jensen step back." I heard my dads voice. I turned and Jesse was grabbing Jensen and holding him back, my mom was running up, and Anna wasn't far behind. If I could just talk to Anna, she would believe me.
"Anna, my baby..he is alive, you believe me right?" She was dead silent.
"You believe me right Dad?" I said."Mom, Jess!" I yelled.
"Karter, the baby died, he his gone. I'm sorry you didn't get to meet him, but he is not here, you won't find him."
"No, No, NO,No!" I yelled.."He is here! I know it for a fact, because I already lost a baby, and I didn't lose another, I just didn't! I know for a fact because I've never even felt him in my arms, I haven't held him, and sang him a lullaby, I haven't heard him cry, and he hasn't fell asleep squeezing my finger..and he hasn't..he hasn't..he isn't dead he just can't be!" I yelled. Then looked at Jensen. "Give me your keys." I said.
"No." He said. "Baby, I can't give you my keys."
"Please!" I yelled. "Jensen how can you sit there and tell me our baby is dead!? He isn't dead!"
I looked at my dad, "Daddy, tell him to give me his keys."
"No." He said, then his hand went up, signaling for people to come over.
A few seconds later, five nurses, came over and grabbed my arms, "Jensen, what are they doing?!" I yelled.
"Helping you." He said, all chocked up sounding.
"No! Ge away from me! I need to find my baby!" I yelled, "Get-"
I stopped struggling when I felt a pinch in my upper arms, and thigh.
Once I woke up, I was strapped down, to a bed, in the same room from before, I hadn't bed out too long this time. When a doctor walked in Jensen behind him, and another woman. The doctor unstrapped me. Jensen didn't say a word, he just stood back, and let the doctors do their talking.
"Hi, Karter, I am Dr. Rose Killmer. I am the hospital Therapist. I understand you just lost a baby correct?"
I looked at Jensen. "What is this?" I asked.
"You need to talk to someone, love. You're in unhealthy state of mind right now." Jensen told me. "It's either this or A world beyond our eyes."
A World Beyond our Eyes..AKA Loony Bin.
"I don't to talk to anyone. I'm not crazy." I said. "I am not talking to you." I told Dr. Killmer, and crossed my arms.
"You don't need to talk just listen." She told me. "And watch." She turned out the lights, and put a DVD inside the built in DVD player on the TV.
Jensen's face showed up on the TV. "Hey, love, it's me again. Just to let you know we are having a baby today! It is November 9th, and we are about to have ourselves a little Timothy, or Abby!" I smiled, and looked at Jensen, he was looked at me, and smiling also. I patted the bed, letting him know I wanted him to come sit by me. He got Dr.Fields approval and came to lay by me.
"Hey, Anna! How excited are you!?" Jens asked.
"Well, I'm a little nervous because of how early SHE is! But I'm pretty happy, I even knitted a blankie!" She said holding up a green blankie.
I smiled, but got sad, because I wasn't there. "Now let's look over to Jesse, Who has been up all night with little Theo and Ashley!"
"Don't do it sis, just push hat baby to the curve!" Jesse said.
Ashley, slapped him on the chest. "Just kidding, I'm sure you're child will be amazing, and never cry, it'll be like having ice cream everyday..that you don't eat..just make sure it doesn't melt..because that could be an annoying mess. "
I laughed, and grabbed Jensen's hand.
"don't listen to you're brainless brother Karter, the baby will be amazing, and an amazing experience.."
My lip quivered, and I could feel Jensen looking at me.
"Oh, and Anna, I never replied to you.." Jens said.
"MY BABY WILL BE A BOY!" He said.
I smiled. "In you're dreams buddy." My mom said.
"HEy! If it isn't the happy grandparents!" Jensen said very cheerful.
"Got anything to say to your daughter!?" He asked.
My mom looked right at the camera, and said.."I wish you were awake to see how loved you are, and how much this baby is already loved, and I can't wait to meet the little guy. I love you sweetie!" She said and blew a kiss at the camera.
"Hey kiddo, I just want to say, I love you..and you are doing just fine, the nurses said, that this baby is strong and healthy and a fighter."
"Why are we watching this!?" I asked, almost in a yell.
"To make this feel more real for you." Dr. Killmer told me.
"Mr. Michles, would you mind coming back, Karter is just getting stitched up. " Said my OBG-YN.
"This is it!" Was the last thing said before the TV went black. Dr. Fields switched on the lights, and put in another DVD. "Before we watch this, I want you to know, that you safe here, Karter..and we don't want you to run off again." He said, and with that, the lights went out and the TV went on.
"Hey, baby.." Jensen said. He was crying. "I um..Well the baby is in the NICU..He's on all kinds off tubes, he had a dropped lung, but they fixed it, he is just on a machine to help him breath..oh the best part! We have a boy!" He said, his face lit up when he mentioned that.
"Let;s go meet him." He said, the walked down the hall, and called into the NICU. the buzzed and he walked in. There were all kinds of sick babies in there, it was hear braking.
"Hey, Mama are you ready to meet, Timothy Lee Michles" He said, and pointed the camera at a little tube that help my baby. My hand went over my mouth, and I put my head on Jensen's chest. "Please urn it off?" I said.
"You need to finish, I believe it will make this situation feel a whole lot better." Said Killmen.
"Um, he isn't very strong, or healthy, but he's tough. And the doctors are doing everything just to keep him alive..it's been a real struggle."
It was quiet for a moment, until Timothy started to cry. He had the most sweet and heart braking cry. I couldn't believe how beautiful this baby was, he looks just like Jensen.
"He has your eyes..and your whine." He said, and chuckled.
I smiled. Then looked at Jensen. I couldn't look away from him, until the words.."It's been two day that he was born.." Come from the TV.
My head shot to look. "He just..he reminds me of you, and he gives me hope. He reminds me of you. He keeps fighting." He said, and put the camera on the now sleeping baby, but I could tell..he was fighting hard to stay alive, in that second, then I heard a beep..Then doctors came running over.."You need to leave!" One said ..
"Wait whats going on!?" He asked..
"Get out of here or we'll have some escort you out!" A nurse yelled,
"I have a right to no what is going with my child!" He said.
"Out!" The nurse yelled again.
"Turn it off!" I yelled.."Turn it off!"
"You need to watch." Said Killmer.
"Please Jensen." I said, and hid my face in his arm.
"Please Jensen, stop budding in, you have now Idea what is good for her." Killmer said.
No actually you don't, and having her watch her child die isn't good for her!" He yelled.."She has seen enough, to know the baby is dead, now trn it off, or you're fired!"
"You can't fire me. Only her parents can do that, also..I work for free." She said.
"I sure as hell can..and I don't care if you work for free, I want this DVD off."
The next this I knew the room was silent.
But was interrupted, by the sound of a lady yelling I quit, and a door slamming shut.
I know she was trying to help, bu I couldn't watch my baby die, I just couldn't. It was awful knowing the exact moment something was wrong. It was awful seeing the action of saving my child, and watching them fail, and it was awful, that I heard my baby fighting for his last breath, that he should have had flowing into his body, by the tank. I couldn't handle it. It was too much. "I want to go home. I said."I can't be here. I can not, be in this hospital anymore. I want to go home, and sleep in my bed." I said.
"Well we can't make you stay." Said Dr. Fields. "I'll talk to your parents and see if they are okay with that."
"Jensen, I want to go home." I said, blowing off what Dr. Fields had just told me.
I didn't care by that point if I were being rude. This hopsital, could have saved my childs life. But instead they chose not too. If they were watching the air supply they would have saved him, and I don't care about this hospital or it's staff.
"Karter, DR.Fields Jus said he had to talk to your parents-"
"I don't care what Dr. Fields said, if these people were watching the air supply Timothy didn't have obviesly, then he would still be alive, and I would still be a mother!" I yelled.
"Love, it has nothing to do wih air supply." Jensen said.."God was just ready for him, at that moment in time."
"No. You guys told me, it was the air supply..or-" The video played back in my head, I jumped off the bed, and went to rewind it. I rewond it to the part, right before he started to cry, I looked at his air supply, it was empty, I looked at his ube, which had fallen out of his nose..then I rewond it again, and when Jensen is talking right before the nurses come and the beeping starts, you can see my baby boy gasping for air..but he couldn't find it.
I fell over after finding the discovery, I had seen before but didn't pay attention to. "I'm sueing this hospital." I said, and grabbed the video out of the DVD player put it in the case, and stuffed in my hospital bag. "I'm going home." I told the doctor.
I ran out of the room..."Mom! Discharge me now!" I said. Trying not to cry.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
Jensen ran out grabbing my hand. "Honey, what is it."
"I saw..his air supply. I was to low, his nose things fell out..he was trying so hard to find his breath." I said, and Jensen hugged me. "It isn't the hospitals fault Love."
"It isn't?!" I yelled. "Was the tank supposed to out f thin air, fill it's self up again!? No! Those..people should have been keeping an eye on the machines. But they weren't! I am suing this place! Now take me home." I said my voice cracked and I burst into tears, once I said home. I put my hands over my face, and Jensen pulled me into his body, and hugged me, as tight and as long as possible, before we went to his truck.
I cried, sobbed the whole way back, to the house. Jensen held my hand all the way the pool house, and helped me into the bed. I couldn't get that video out of my head all night..I couldn't believe it. But right before I went to bed, it actually sunk in.
I lost my baby, and I'm never getting him back.
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