we might as well dance.

We're fools whether we dance or not, so... www.twitter.com/reillyeileen seattle, wa

[wemightaswelldance]

It's Monday and I'm mad at philosophers

I'm still a member of the Facebook group for my university's philosophy program, despite not having been a student there for half a decade. This is probably weird and I should probably leave it, given that I've never participated in any discussion there. But I do like maintaining a connection to the discipline that I once though would be my life's work- I enjoy reading easily-digested philosophical articles, despite having lost my taste for the hard stuff (i.e. I can't understand a word of it). I took the day off work today and was planning to spend it utterly relaxed, but that damn philosophy group has me riled up.

This morning someone in the group shared this article. My ears perked up at the mentions of feminism and its' contributions to analytic philosophy, so I read it. It was enjoyable, overall- the author details some of the major ways feminist philosophers have contributed to the discipline as a whole, by upending long-established truths in areas like ethics, epistemology, and metaphysics. Great! Wonderful! I was loving it until I reached the concluding paragraph:

"Feminists’ personal and political rage against injustice (and parallel emotional reactions against their claims) could, of course, create an atmosphere inimical to fruitful philosophical reflection."

I sat up, indignant. ( Did I mention it was 8:30 AM and I was still in bed? )  Did he really just say that? Did this professor of philosophy at Notre Dame just succumb to the not-uncommon-but-still-despicable impulse to suggest that feminists are too angry to be taken seriously?

I wrote a comment to that effect on the post- which I have never done before, but I'm so tired of this stance, you guys, I couldn't help it. I got up, huffing, walked my dog, huffing. Of course, I immediately started to doubt myself. "That was a knee-jerk reaction", I thought. "This guy is certainly not alone in making this suggestion, and he probably didn't mean it in the way I interpreted it. I shouldn't have said anything- the real philosophers will be rolling their eyes at my rancor."

But that's exactly it! I was talking to myself in precisely the way people speak to oppressed groups all the time. "#notallphilosophers, Reilly", I was saying. "They didn't mean to upset you- you shouldn't be so emotional. They were just making a point. You're not giving it the most charitable read. If you get angry like this, no one will listen to your point of view."

Well, you know what- white men don't deserve our most charitable read, and by white men, I really mean members of the groups directly responsible for perpetuating systemic oppression of minority groups across centuries. I say this acknowledging that I'm a member of the Oppressor group in many ways by being white, cisgender, and able-bodied.

Oppressors haven't earned the most charitable read, in large part because they would never grant and have never granted the same courtesy to those they oppress. Oppressed people are allowed to feel angry, a little- allowed to smile blandly while simmering under the surface in the face of a society screaming hate back at them. They're allowed to take it. Depending on the context, they might be allowed enough space to demurely suggest that something is kind of bothering them these days but it's really not a big deal. But to really feel and display the anger that is completely justified and unsurprising? Horrid! You might make the white people uncomfortable. The same discomfort is why you can't pry the expression "Black lives matter" from the mouths of many white people even though they claim to disavow racism- those protestors just seem so... mad.

White people deserve to be uncomfortable when confronted with the human impact of their privilege. Men deserve to be uncomfortable. Able-bodied people deserve to be uncomfortable. Cisgender people deserve to be uncomfortable. Heterosexual people deserve to be uncomfortable. Christians deserve to be uncomfortable.  And all the people they (we) oppress deserve to be angry.

I understand that the author of this article was pointing out that anger, as a general rule, has no place in philosophical argument, and historically, I’ve agreed. "Argument" in philosophy bears little, if any, resemblance to the colloquial use of the term. Philosophical examination is about being on a mutual quest for truth, and the emotions of the participants are largely irrelevant. The reason I am so frustrated isn't really because the author feels emotions don't have a place in the discourse, its because he felt compelled to specifically point out that the anger of feminists has no place in it. As I mentioned in my comment, I would be interested to know if the author also feels compelled to point out that the unruly emotions of white men may stand in the way of their perceived legitimacy. I'm willing to bet he doesn't.

Feminists are sometimes angry, just like all people are sometimes angry- just like people who are fighting against a system that actively seeks to destroy their personhood might have a tendency to be. I think it's okay that I'm angry- and if some of that anger were to appear in a philosophical discourse, it might not be ideal, but I still expect the other party to continue listening. I still expect them to treat my viewpoint with respect, especially when the other party is one who is actively engaged in WHY I AM SO ANGRY. Letting me finish talking seems like they very least they could offer me, given the circumstances.

I feel like I'm arguing in circles here (talk about something that has no place in philosophical discussion) and I guess there isn't a neat conclusion. I guess what I'm thinking is this- if all you want from your philosophical discourse (or, you know, any discourse) is a polite conversation with others who are emotionally detached from the topic at hand, that mostly ensures you'll only discuss these topics with other people who already agree with you, or at the very least, people who are not directly affected by that topic. I'm sure lots of men, especially white ones, could sit calmly in a circle and discuss the vast injustices feminist philosophy explores, without raising their voices. But if those injustices don't impact anyone in the room, the discourse is lacking.

Engage in the discourse even if the other person gets a LIL ANGRY AND IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFY. Discourse for discourse's sake is one thing, but these are human lives we're talking about- actual people are impacted. It's not Descartes sitting in his living room with his goddamn ball of wax, trying to decide whether he exists. It's millions of people across the globe shouting that they know they already do, and they have some thoughts about the way their existence is allowed to proceed. Let them be angry.

[wemightaswelldance]

On Living Alone Until You Don’t

My mother lived alone in a four-room house in the middle of the woods for eight years before she was married. It had no heat, no air-conditioning. When she moved out, those helping with the move found the attic stacked with newspapers. They were perplexed. She was nonplussed. She planned to read them someday; she just hadn’t gotten around to it quite yet. That’s what people do when they live alone, and there’s no one else around to point out that the attic might have a better use. Thirty-five years later, my mother is constantly freezing. Eight Virginia winters in the house with no heat and she hasn’t been warm since, but those four rooms were all hers. She describes them with fondness despite the casing of ice around her bones.

The house is how I knew my mother would balk when I told her I was moving in with my boyfriend, abandoning my studio apartment and with it, potentially, my independence. I knew she would murmur concern that I might feel stifled in the new arrangement. Like her, I hold the restorative power of solitude close like a Bible; without it, I become impatient, easily angered, and likely to cry with little provocation. Living alone was a gift in many ways. I wore it like a badge of honor: Oh, I live alone. I live alone and just like my mom, I have a pile of newspapers I haven’t yet read, because the Seattle Times man said my subscription would help create more jobs. I live alone, so no, I don’t have anywhere for all five of you to sit. I live alone, so of course I can assemble that furniture by myself and also cook dinner exactly the way I like and no, I don’t need you to drive me to the airport. 

Living alone, bombarded by a culture rife with reasons to couple, felt like a rebellion. And it was, and it’s easy to romanticize. What my mother forgets- what I forget- is that the time I spent in that studio apartment was the darkest time period of my life. I had many Saturday mornings when I would make coffee and listen to music and feel full to the brim with my freedom and my gratitude, but I was also so sad. I was trapped under the weight of depression, pain the depth of which I previously assumed was reserved for fiction. I was deeply lonely, but also terrified of social interaction. Lots of days were very hard. Lots of nights were harder.  Asking for help was the first step. I sat down in my therapist’s office for the first time in October of 2015. I was awkward for the first forty-five minutes, until she said, “I can see how sad you are.” Being seen broke my resolve in the best way possible, and slowly things started to look better.  In February of 2016, I took a trip to Mexico with my company. We travel to a tropical location every February (and yes, we’re probably hiring), which proves to be a particularly excellent occasion to step back and consider the path you’re on. Today, while I was unpacking boxes in my boyfriend’s apartment- which is now our apartment- I found a list I wrote on that trip, dated February 20, 2016. At the time I wrote it, Nikson and I hadn’t even started dating- in fact, he didn’t live in Seattle yet. It’s titled “Elements I’d Like My Life To Have”, because I am self-important as fuck.

Here’s what I listed: “Live in a one bedroom on 15th Ave-ish Regular cooking (crockpot/pressure cooker) Regular yoga practice Home weights/strength workout Clean, comfortable home Clean, comfortable wardrobe” When I found the list today, I slowly sat down on the arm of our couch. I looked around at the one-bedroom apartment I now live in, which happens to be located on 14th Avenue (known in some circles as “15th Ave-ish”). I noted the crockpot on the counter. I noted the yoga mat, weights, and stationary bike in our living room. I noted that the home is, in fact, clean and comfortable. I noted that having donated nine full trash bags of old, unflattering clothing earlier today, my wardrobe is cleaner and more comfortable than it has been in years.

Living alone was powerful. I did powerful work on my own brain, proved my own capabilities and learned to believe my own convictions. But crafting a life that has all those elements I dreamed of a year ago, jotting down notes on a Mexican beach? It wouldn’t be nearly as much fun without Nikson, no matter how much I’ve valued my solitude all this time. And being around him isn’t draining, or hard. It’s just easy. It was hard to abandon my self-concept as a proud member of All The Single Ladies, but I take comfort in knowing this relationship doesn’t make me any less capable, any less sufficient, or any less inclined towards revolution. My mom and I have a lot in common. Our time alone made both of us freeze in ways that we might not fully recover from. But it feels good to assuage her fears. I’m not losing anything, Mom. I got everything on my list.

[durgapolashi]

[omgfavefashion]

[chicnewfashion]

Men Women Boys Letters Baseball Cap

Discount code: 20off1829

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.

Jim Rohn (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[mymodernmet]

Breathtaking Portraits Capture Ballet’s Finest Dancing on the Streets of New York

[mmebottomline-deactivated201905]

Men can be violent when they get mad. I hate that. I also have no understanding of successful men who feel they deserve what they have. I only trust people who are funny, men or women, or who admit to having made horrible mistakes. There is such a revolution taking place right now in sexuality and power relationships that critical consciousness will have to come from bodies we don’t even know exist yet. Thinkers can only do half the job. The world is like a child we never dreamed we would have, a big disappointment, out of our control, and here only for reasons to do with DNA and other personal histories—not our fault, so to speak. We are responsible for the child but we don’t know how it feels about us. Half the story is missing.

Fanny Howe  |  From an interview in the latest issue of BOMB Magazine. (via mmebottomline)

[ithelpstodream]

[tre-cool-swallovvs-deactivated2]

Am I Being Too Sensitive Or Are People Treating Me Like Shit: a debut novel by me

[potato-w-a-weird-haircut-deacti]

And the sequel; Am I Overreacting Or Am I Supposed to be Angry

[terriblyartistic-deactivated201]

The pre-qual: Am I Being Conditioned To Feel Like I’m Less: Or Am I Just Playing The Role of The Victim

[wemightaswelldance]

It turns out I have a goddess

I recently discovered and have since become obsessed with Akhilandeshwari, ‘She Who Is Never Not Broken’. This goddess is the sovereign of the universe; she is a force more than she is a deity. She has been broken and remade many times, and light shines through the cracks everywhere she has been placed back together:

We’re all broken, aren’t we? Shit happens, and we lose what we once were, and it makes us feel powerless. The power of the goddess is in what we do with that brokenness. When everything is fucked, that’s our most perfect opportunity to rebuild ourselves anew. What is broken in us is what gives us power. I love that her point is not to heal our brokenness, nor to pretend it never happened. She is the Goddess of Never Not Broken, not the Goddess of Once Broken But That Was Just A Phase I Was Going Through After College.

“She destroys all illusions and delusions. She reminds us of the cyclical nature of Reality that we are experiencing in every given moment. The potential of what we are becoming is ultimately limitless. Within that brokenness there is freedom. Everything is not so neatly ordered, controlled and contained nor does it have to be. She is not stuck in one form nor does She want us to be.”

But it might be this tidbit about her social life that makes me love her the most:

“However, unlike other Goddesses who lose their power once they are married, Akhilandeshwari, the Never Not Broken Sovereign of the Universe, is known to be even more powerful.”

She is angry in the sense that she is energetic, but she is not wrathful.

“Nor should She be used to chalk up horrific and painful experiences as a cosmic lesson about some spiritual ‘truth’ we have learned but not embodied.

The intensity of emotions, the pain we do not want to feel, all the broken pieces in ourselves that we tend to neglect and try to push away and ignore, this is the very territory of Akhilandeshwari - She says: ‘Look at it. Deal with it. Look at your part in this.Look at what is broken in you and you will understand what is broken in the world. Look at how you may be contributing to these conflicts in your ignorance, in your destructive tendencies, your addictions and denial, in your fear of anyone different than you.’One of Her many gifts is to remind us of the power to be found in our brokenness, in the loss, the fear, and the anguish.”

Look at what is broken in you and you will understand what is broken in the world.

Namaste, y’all.

 http://www.sutrajournal.com/akhilandeshwari-the-power-of-brokenness-by-laura-amazzone

[wrdbnr]

[31art]

[wrdbnr]

[authentic-boredom]

[80sloove]

[durgapolashi]

[wemightaswelldance]

A Resolution Retrospective

I’m putting together some goals for 2016. This led to me rereading resolution-related content in this blog and also my LiveJournal, in which I posted with surprising regularity from 2004 until 2012. I’d like to start chronicling things again. It’s crazy to note how much about my life has changed, and how much about myself is exactly the same. Some gems, both on-topic and off:

June 2, 2004

there's nothing from this year i can be proud of. and that makes me really frustrated with myself. i didnt strive to be better this year. or the best. i was okay with mediocre, and now i'm mediocre as a person and that is not okay with me. and i can always say, oh, next year will be different, ill study more, ill ask for help when i need it, ill be nicer. and maybe ill do all the things i need to do to make myself better. but that doesnt change the fact that i spent this whole year screwing around and getting on people's nerves.

June 8, 2004

and it will never fail to depress me when i go to my YAHOOOOOOO! acount and it cheerily announces "Welcome, Reilly! You Have 0 New Messages!"

June 22, 2004

i sound like a stalker. i have this tendency to sound stalkerish when i talk about anyone.i also sound like a lesbian. im not, i swear. 

June 27, 2004

you know whats frustrating me? the band Velvet Revolver. i mean, it has three guys from GnR, the singer from stone temple pilots and some other random guy. its like the MERGER OF THE BANDS. and their song isnt even good!

August 26, 2004

ANYWAY. this whole like paragraph has no point except for the fact that i wrote it, which makes it amazing in itself. 

December 1, 2004

i dont feel like typing all the details right now, but since i feel a strange obligation to write in this dang thing, ill just tell you that my grandfather passed away yesterday morning and leave it at that. my house will soon be crawling with relatives, and people keep bringing us food.

January 1, 2005

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS! 1. stop being a flirt, and making people think im a hussy when im really not. 2. not get a C in math 3. do my freakin bio stuff. 4. be nicer to everyone who deserves it.

April 24, 2005

morgan & i realized, life is too short to sit in a car when its raining. so we took off our jackets & ran out in the rain. we time warped. jumped in puddles. played rainbasktball. had rap battles. it was beautiful & intense. i love you xorgy. 

May 6, 2005

My dream job is just someplace where im happy & content.

June 17, 2005

oh, reilly. youve changed this much this year & im so glad cause you were a freakin moron last year. i cant find the letter i wrote to you at the end of last year, which could be a good thing in disguise, since it invariably said something like " maybe by the time you read this youll have hooked up with john moore!! " . sigh. what a loser. this has been a really big year for you in a lot of ways. youve met so many people & changed so much & had so much change around you. just never forget how to love, appreciate, & live. its what you do best. love, reilly

July 5, 2005

Stupidity Costs One Dollar: Vending Machine Trickery At Its Best An Essay By Reilly. Last night, I innocently placed a dollar into a change machine so that i could buy a soda from this old school vending machine. The soda cost 50 cents. so thats all i needed.  I put the dollar in, the quarters come out, & i immediately begin exclaiming over how amazing it is that i got extra quarters!! yes, all i needed was two but i got FOUR! how LUCKY! unfortunately it is at this moment, in the peak of my joy, that jake casually points out.. "reilly.. you put a dollar in.. so.. of course you got four quarters back." There is a silence as i ponder this information. I hang my head in shame & go lay down in the middle of the highway. El Fin.

August 24, 2005

i feel, for the first time i can remember, truly deeply embarrassed. not like, i tripped in front of the hot senior embarrassed. really embarrassed. & ashamed like its coming from my bones instead of my mind. shame, my friends, is an interesting thing. its worse than anger & fear & any other reckless emotion. shame makes little shivers rise up all over your body & it makes you stop what youre doing to remind you that it's still there. it's that kind of emotion that gives you a permanent stomachache. & eventually you decide to speak to someone about it, & you rehearse your lines over & over. but then when you get the chance, your shame keeps you silenced. 

January 6, 2006

i think thats gonna be one of my new years resolutions.. to stop freaking being a BITCH & be nice to people.. cause im so evil. im such a terrible friend & im so sorry for that. so maybe ill change. i hope i will. until then.. bear with my complaining.

December 11, 2007

i am wickedly, ferociously, insanely jealous of everyone who already knows where they are going to college.

December 12, 2008 NINE things about yourself: 1. I have recently developed a rampant case of insomnia. 2. I sometimes get completely overwhelmed with how much I love things. 3. I wish I could be a philosophy major and sit in a hut and smoke ganja all day. 4. Today Amby bought me the most amazing cup of black tea ever! 5. It is currently the eve of my first collegiate exam evahhh! 6. I broke my parole to have a good time. 7. I feel like a stranger in my body. 8. I have kickass friends. 9. I typically have dirty fingernails. I'm not dirty! I don't know how it happens.

January 8, 2009

2008 was a really bangin' year. i mean. i got my wisdom teeth out (holla), saw the spice girls, went to hatteras againnnn, got waitlisted at uva and was a total pain to be around for like 3 months, got rejected, graduated, went to la republica dominicana, went to VT orientation and cried all day because i was so miserable, had a complicated summer, pretended college didn't exist, went to college, fell madly ferociously IN LOVE with college, made amazing friends that i wouldn't trade for the world, learned a lot about the world. all in all it was interesting.

my hopes for 2009 are that i will focus more on school and get better grades (extreeemely necessary) and that i will find more direction about my future. and that jesus and i will be bff. go team!

March 6, 2009

On average, what do you think you cry the most about? loneliness.

April 10, 2009

In the past year I have discovered two new situations in which good things tend to happen to me: good things happen to me when I am still (not, like, literally, but in the sense of taking heart and being calm), and, somewhat paradoxically, good things happen to me when i am not pushed, but SHOVED, KICKED IN THE ASS, out of my comfort zone. So, again, somewhat paradoxically, I am just trying to a) take the time to be still and trust and REVEL IN MY PRESENT, and b) continuously create situations for myself in which I know I will be HORRIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE (emotionally, physically, spiritually). Not surprisingly, I am having a harder time with b. These may seem contradictory, but their common denominator is that both of them place me in the position of relying on nothing but God to make things right. With no other props to lean on, no empirical indication that good things will come, aside from the promises of the Lord. And that's all I need! AND THAT'S SUCH A GIFT! I, just, seriously, I am speechless with hope. I have so much hope that all I can do is laugh a little.

October 28, 2009

The thing is, I always feel like people respond to me less positively when I'm actually doing what I want to do. But, I'm also paranoid about such things. I just am a pleaser and I always want everyone to be as happy as possible. But I'm at a point in my life where I'm letting myself be a little selfish for the first time. And paying more attention to what I want than to who it will annoy. Not about big significant things, obviously, but just on a day to day basis. Because I don't have a boyfriend opinion to worry about anymore. How is that real life? It's crazy and it's fun. It's just ridiculous how frequently I catch myself wondering how my thoughts/words/actions/existence appear to other people- even about things that no one else will ever see, e.g., my NaNoWriMo novel. It's absurd! It's a facebook mentality, I think. I'm used to people watching my every move. And that's just plain weird.

November 29, 2009

in other news, i just started using genius on my itunes and spice girls has been on every single playlist it has made for me. clearly, it is an aptly named program. because anyone with an ounce of brains knows that spice girls are called for in every occasion. 

September 30, 2010

I think one of my biggest goals as I grow is to learn to shoulder pain with grace.

December 3, 2010

Lesson of the Day: I need to stop spouting my quasi-socialist propaganda in my political theory class, for two reasons. 1. I will probably end up on a government watch list due to my excessive lobbying for redistribution of wealth. 2. The extremely red and angry Republican who sits behind me might stab me with his silver spoon.

This is a common theme in my life lately. I had an evaluation at work and they told me I need to learn how to voice my opinions in appropriate circumstances. So, that’s what I’m working on today.

December 29, 2010

Cassie and I may or may not have just decided to go vegetarian as our 2011 resolution.. WIN

January 30, 2011

It just occurred to me today that every decision I’ve made lately, and every bad feeling I’ve had, is based off my desire to fulfill three goals.

1. Saying no when I want to say no 2. Being happy even if it means demanding more of myself and/or other people 3. Being able to ask for help in order to satisfy (1) and (2). This is the critical challenge..

February 3, 2011

Dear Reilly,

      Happy Valentine’s Day. Tonight just seems like the perfect time for me to write and remind you of all the reasons you are worthy of love. A lot has happened since this time last year. You’ve had a relationship start and end, lost two amazing women who had been a part of your life since you were born, completely changed your plans for the future, and started a job that has slowly changed just about everything about your life. But you know what? Your life is so beautiful. It is so rich and full and hopeful. And there is no reason for you to feel alone, ever. And I’m so glad you are trying to take steps to make yourself happier! And it’s Valentine’s Day, and Valentine’s Day is when you’re supposed to say all the sentimental things you normally wouldn’t. So here’s the deal: you are precious. You are worthy of more than you are willing to ask for. You deserve more than you think. And you need more than you will let yourself admit. So stop settling for less.

Happy Valentine’s Day, beautiful.

Love, Reilly.

April 23, 2011

How am I supposed to be present, but also plan for the future? How am I supposed to live in the moment without paying for it later? How am I supposed to forget the past and yet also grow? How am I supposed to forgive yet also take care of my heart?

January 3, 2012

Making any New Year’s Resolutions feels trite because I ALWAYS make the SAME ones. But here’s the thing. I already know what is good for me. I already know what makes me happy. I just don’t always abide by that knowledge. So, my New Year’s Resolution is to get out of my own way, and to listen to my body, because I already know what to do. I’m just really good at pretending like I don’t. Let’s go, 2012.

April 5, 2012

But I'm finding it kind of difficult lately to be the best friend I can be. Because here's the thing: I give so few fucks about ANYTHING. I just don't. I just don't give a shit about stupid bullshit that won't matter in a couple days, especially when I'm moving across the country in a couple months. I just want to live my last few days here being happy and relaxed and not fucking worrying about stupid FUCKING DRAMA BULLSHIT THAT DOESN'T MATTER. And here's what else I want: I want to be able to express my opinion without being ridiculed. I want to feel free to say what's on my mind. I want to be able to stand up for myself. I want to let people know that there are certain ways that it's not okay to treat me. I want to let myself be worthy of that respect. I want to tell jokes, and laugh loudly, and drink beer, and leave trash in my fucking car because that's what I want to do and I don't WANT TO GIVE A SHIT WHAT ANYONE THINKS ABOUT ANY OF THAT. And I know. Okay. I know. I know it's all like in jest and da da da da but.. it's just making me feel weary. I literally feel like my bones are aching. Because I am trying to do a lot of things right now. And I don't have time or energy to spend on stupid bullshit. And I especially don't have time or energy to spend on people who don't love me the way I want to be loved and I PROBABLY WILL NOT TALK TO EVER AGAIN AFTER THIS SUMMER. I'm just tired of feeling alone, and feeling like I have to bottle up everything I feel all the time. Because that's not fucking healthy. And all it leads to is me writing pissed off, heartbroken, angry, expletive-ridden livejournal posts at 1 in the morning. And that's bullshit.