we pooped there.

because toilets need ratings too.

[wepoopedthere]

Fontana’s

Where did I walk in? How do I leave? Is that a Ramen wrapper pasted on the wall? Is this a bathroom or a sticker book?

The Answer: No Answer.

Handicap accessible?

Indeed. There is a bathroom in the front part of the bar and another in the back, which is most definitely handicap-friendly. Downstairs is unchartered territory. One day, I’ll gather up the courage to explore new lands, learn life lessons, and soul search in the basement of this bar/club/pool hall.

Lighting?

It’s a bit dim, plus the walls are black and covered in graffiti, stickers, food wrappers, and event posters. 

Toilet paper quality?

I forget because I got distracted by the love/ hate/ “LUV U 4EVER” wall art.

Paper towels and soap?

Really a hit or miss. Depends on what time you’re there, how many people are present. etc.

Open for public use/ non-patrons?

They could really care less, so the answer is YES.

Overall Rating:

💩💩/ 5

Location: Fontana’s, 105 Eldridge St, New York, NY 10002

[wepoopedthere]

Grounded, West Village, NYC

HALP! I’M TRAPPED INSIDE A TIFFANY’S BOX!

Handicap accessible?

It is on the ground floor, but no railing. A half-assed effort. 

Lighting?

Oh sure, you can see well in there. But do you want to? DO YOU?

Toilet paper quality?

A dry 2-ply. I’d expect more from you, Tiffany’s box.

Paper towels and soap?

Yes, they were there and readily accessible. Good thing because I wanted to GTFO ASAP. Dat blue-blue is a no-no.

Open for public use/ non-patrons?

Like most places, they will probably frown, roll their eyes at you, and make you feel guilty for using the restroom if you haven’t purchased a coffee in the greenhouse-cafe. 

Overall Rating:

💩💩.5/ 5

[wepoopedthere]

Queens Museum, New York City Building, Flushing Meadows-Corona Park

If you find yourself in this underrated borough and wandering through the never ending park next to the US Open—do yourself a favor and pop a squat in the museum bathroom, if only as an excuse to sneak in and check out some art.

Clean facilities?

Handicap accessible?

Last stall—did someone say luxury bathroom?

Lighting?

You won’t find any vampires hiding around.

Toilet paper quality?

You know when people don’t take a square properly and then the TP is all fucked up because people can’t rip it off right and the entire roll is just a spiral into oblivion? Well, that happened, and it was annoying as shit (pun-induced giggle or eye roll completely unintentional). 

Paper towels and soap?

Nay and yay. BUT—there are FREE tampons! Say wha…guess you’ve uncovered the mystery behind the gender of at least one of us now...

Open for public use/ non-patrons?

Both entrances have those pesky ticket collectors looking bored at their desks, so just ask nicely. Or run past them.

Overall Rating:

💩💩💩.5/ 5

Location:

[wepoopedthere]

Mile End, 53 Bond St., NoHo

A jam packed sandwich of smoked pastrami generally calls for serious handwashing after, wouldn’t you agree? Is the establishment’s T-room up to snuff, as much as it’s oversized meat sandwiches and poutine?? Let’s find out.

Clean facilities?

  Handicap accessible?

Spacious enough, certainly.

Lighting?

I can see the toilet.

Toilet paper quality?

Standard is the name of the game.

Paper towels and soap?

Look to your front and to the left, reverse order. Sorta like the Beyoncé song…

Open for public use/ non-patrons?

Well. If you gotta go--just pretend you're ordering, sidle on over to your right and slip on in. That’s what she said?

Overall Rating:

💩💩💩💩/ 5

Location:

[wepoopedthere]

Haven's Kitchen

Haven's Kitchen: Where poops go to a better place.

Clean facilities?

I went in the morning and it was spotless enough for bacon angels:

Handicap accessible?

Lighting?

Toilet paper quality?

It was trying to be fancy, but not fooling anyone.

Paper towels and soap?

Yes. And these glorious signs turned into framed art - who does that shit?:

(I actually really loved this. Much nicer to look at than typical reminders.)

Open for public use/ non-patrons?

You could definitely use the facilities without buying anything - the baristas are oh-so-lovely.

Overall Rating:

💩💩💩💩.5 / 5

Location: Haven's Kitchen, 109 W 17th St, New York, NY 10011

[wepoopedthere]

The Rusty Knot, 425 West Street, NYC

"Why is the wall a chalkboard? Am I in my elementary school classroom? Who's Ashton and why is his/her name all over board? Why is there a boat coming out of the wall? Is this a shipwreck? Am I about to die? What the fuck is going on?"

--> Thoughts while on toilet at Rusty Knot

Side note: Love the fact that its description is "kitschy nautical bar." Thank you, Google Maps. 

Clean facilities?

Here's the name again: Rusty Knot.

Handicap accessible?

Check out those handle bars! VROOOOOOM!

Lighting?

Kind of a shipwreck (eh eh you like that? No? Okay...bye.)

Toilet paper quality?

Paper towels and soap?

When you realize where you are, all you can think is:

Open for public use/ non-patrons?

You may as well just go in the Hudson River. But before you do, grab a life raft. (You can request one with your next round of drinks.)

Overall Rating:

💩💩.5/ 5

Location: The Rusty Knot, 425 West St, New York, NY 10014

[wepoopedthere]

Wythe Hotel (Rooftop Restroom), Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Even though unisex bathrooms are not always the best, I appreciate what they try to do, and that is force everyone to suffer equally while waiting in line. Life becomes more egalitarian in those 2-5 minutes while you're anticipating a stall door to open...and then you walk out into the bar.

Side note: super awkward times trying to quickly take these photos while no one was standing at the mirrors and/or harshly judging me from behind. The things I do for toilets. 

Clean facilities?

There was a good amount of people there that night, but it wasn't as dirty as I thought it would be. I must note that the floor of my stall was pretty shiny, and NOT in a good way.

Handicap accessible?

All signs point to the elevator.

Lighting?

A bit dim, probably for "ambience" which I think is bullshit. Don't you wanna see where you pee?

Toilet paper quality?

I had higher expectations than what was offered...but it sufficed.

Paper towels and soap?

Check, check. Venues that leave their paper towels in open-air boxes are always the ones that are trying to seem fancier, don't ya think?

Open for public use/ non-patrons?

If you want to wait for 30 minutes just to get up to the damn place, then it's your Saturday night to waste. But if you forget your ID (cough cough, Chung), then you'd be better off finding a ground-level option elsewhere.

Overall Rating:

💩💩💩.5 / 5

Location: Wythe Hotel, 80 Wythe Ave, Brooklyn

[wepoopedthere]

Bizarre Bar, 12 Jefferson St., Bushwick

According to certain review sites, Bushwick is apparently beoming “lush.” It’s not an actually a jungle people! Despite what some hit songs might keep saying. Although, I suppose venturing into the neighborhood’s bathrooms may be a different story.

Clean facilities?

There’s some poorly etched graffiti, which is as loud a sign shouting hipster as you’ll ever see, but don’t let it deceive you. It’s clean enough and the mirror disco ball is basically asking for a party in the bathroom. No encouragement needed.

Now, their tiny walk-in closet of a bathroom downstairs in the darkroom area is something else entirely. Try walking into the ladies room and you might just find a guy using it. Which normally would be fine, only making eye contact and then NOT flushing is not cool whatsoever. WTF. Ranting aside, stick with the upstairs. Albeit, the bathroom graffiti downstairs is slightly nicer.

Handicap accessible?

Upstairs.

Lighting?

Standard dark, dim bar lighting. Which is likely better off, seeing as the floor to ceiling walls are pretty much mirrors galore. Better to see your wasted selves with, as the classic fairy tale goes.

Toilet paper quality?

Present and accounted for.

Paper towels and soap?

Yep and yep. Caution, there’s one of those old time-y faucets where the hot and cold taps are separated. Ugh, this isn’t the early 20th century. Or Europe.

Open for public use/ non-patrons?

If you’re in the neighborhood, why not.

Overall Rating:

💩💩💩 / 5

Location:

[wepoopedthere]

W New York, 123 Washington Street, Financial District

Well, it’s usually a safe call to be wary of a bar described on Yelp as having “cool modern decor,”but hey, you can at least usually expect a good time if it’s applied to a bathroom.

Clean facilities?

Everything was so shiny and glossy like their magazine counterpart, I almost sat down on their mini hot pink chaise lounge to collect myself. Or take a power nap.

Handicap accessible?

Slide right on through to the other side.

Lighting?

Pretty decent, until the lights just completely went out in the stall (frantic arm waving never fails). Luckily it was 30 seconds in, not a minute and 30 seconds later. I’m all for conserving energy, but at least a little mood lighting is preferred when spending QT with the white porcelain.

Toilet paper quality?

I was surprised the rolls weren’t at least a light shade of pink.

Paper towels and soap?

Gosh, those custom paper towels stamped with the stout ‘W’ are as thick as blankets. Would be fantastic for inserting under a loose table leg. But no soap! JK, JK.  

Open for public use/ non-patrons?

Sure. It’s on the floor of their bar ‘The Living Room’—if only all living rooms automatically served drinks equally as nice. Unless you’re headed specifically to the bar, taking the elevator all the way up may not be worth the trip, unless you have a serious thing for hot pink restroom decor.

Overall Rating:

💩💩💩💩 / 5

Location:

[wepoopedthere]

Whole Foods, Union Square...EW

Desperate times.

Clean facilities?

Handicap accessible?

The bathrooms ARE handicap accessible - there's an elevator up to the 2nd floor eating area/ toilets. I had the "pleasure" of using the handicap stall. It was in a sad state at the time - the door was broken, therefore a trashcan was needed to keep it shut. In severe need of upkeep.

Lighting?

It was fine. All Whole Foods restrooms pretty much look the same on this front. 

Toilet paper quality?

1-ply kinda guy.

Paper towels and soap?

Yes, both. They have those air blade ones.

Open for public use/ non-patrons?

Yes / no. You (technically) need a code to get in, which can be found at the bottom of your receipt and acquired by purchasing something in the store. But with so many people going in and out of the restrooms all the time, there's no problem sneaking if you haven't bought anything. But there are lines lines lines, all day errrrr day.

Overall Rating:

Ewww / 5

Location: Whole Foods Market, Union Square East, New York, NY

[wepoopedthere]

Apple Store, 5th Ave, 767 5th Ave, New York, NY 10153

As impressive as the 5th Ave Apple Store is with its above ground "Charlie-and-the-Chocolate-Factory" style glass elevator and its spiral staircase down to the store, the toilets are not nearly as aesthetically pleasing.

Clean facilities?

Nothing special, but clean enough.

Handicap accessible?

Duh. Did you not read the part about the elevator? There's also ramps leading up to the restrooms. Score!

Lighting?

Surprisingly dim. I guess they focus using most of their electricity supply towards store displays. Customers need to be sucked into whatever they're being sold in iconic bright white lights. Moth-->flame.

Toilet paper quality?

1-ply (sad face).

Paper towels and soap?

Yes, both, but no hand dryers. What gives?

Open for public use/ non-patrons?

Big YES on this one. I remember the first time I went to this location with Chungmeister, one of the geniuses approached us and asked if we needed help finding something, to which we asked sheepishly, "where's the restroom?" In a public space as nice as this, people are trickling in all the time, (no, the horrible puns are never ending) making the toilets fair game for customers and stragglers alike.

Also, it's open 24 hours. Get your computer fixed and defecate, all before breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Overall Rating:

💩💩💩.5 / 5

Location: Apple Store, 767 5th Ave, New York, NY 10153

[wepoopedthere]

Telegraphe Cafe, 107 W. 18th Street

Holy shit! What's with all the shitty toilet paper???

Clean facilities?

It was pretty clean. The trough-like sink was kinda weird. Lots of turning/ skilled maneuvering.

Handicap accessible?

There were no rails in the bathroom and it was kind of narrow. Boooooo.

Lighting?

Bright enough.

Toilet paper quality?

1-ply. But if you wanted to, you could create your own makeshift multi-ply  paper with the excessive rolls decorating the back wall.

Paper towels and soap?

Yes, there was soap and two paper towel dispensers - one where the toilet was and one behind the skinny/ awkward sink.

Open for public use/ non-patrons?

Yes. I stopped in with the intention of buying some coffee. The people there seem pretty friendly. I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you used it. Plus, there's no lock on the door. 

Overall Rating:

💩💩💩 / 5

Location: Telegraphe Cafe, 107 W 18th St.

[wepoopedthere]

An Choi, 85 Orchard St., Lower East Side

WTF. Did I suddenly get my period? Why am I in a darkroom? I'm here to poop, not to develop photos.

Clean facilities?

So it looked pretty clean, but everything looks different in a whack-colored room. There were also some crazy posters plastered all over the wall-door, which I assume were hiding some dirty looking surfaces...

Handicap accessible?

The restaurant itself is handicap accessible as it is on ground-level, but the bathroom is awfully small. Don't think a wheelchair could've fit in there.

Lighting?

You can look at the photos again, but you might get a seizure.

Toilet paper quality?

My butt felt as red as the room after using this paper.

Paper towels and soap?

Yes, both. What kind of darkroom do you think this is?!

Open for public use/ non-patrons?

It was a restaurant. I was a patron. We were a match made in hell.

Overall Rating:

💩💩💩 / 5

Location:

[wepoopedthere]

Starbucks, 2140 Broadway, Upper West Side

Aside from the fact that I waited for a minimum of 15 minutes for a homeless man to GTFO of this restroom (I assumed he fell in the toilet and proceeded to dry himself under the Xlerator dryer), I wouldn't say the wait was worth it.

Clean facilities?

To be honest, it was one of the nicer S-bucks bathrooms that I've visited.

Handicap accessible?

Indeed. Check out those silver ramps.

Lighting?

Starbucks bathrooms always look so gray and gloomy to me...

Toilet paper quality?

2-ply. Where it's at, yo.

Paper towels and soap?

Yep, both available. And I already mentioned the Xlerator.

Open for public use/ non-patrons?

Lock free, code free. Just walk right in, You could do as the man before me did and blow dry your entire body in there. Just try it when there's no line...i.e. NEVER. Kthanksbye.

Overall Rating:

💩💩💩💩 / 5

Location:

[wepoopedthere]

Le Pain Quotidien, Rockefeller Center (1271 Sixth Avenue)

Wander down to the basement of this lovely lunch table LPQ and into a cellar-like restroom. Though going basement poo room sometimes freaks me out, I wasn't at all scared descending the rabbit hole. 

Clean facilities?

There were a few paper towels carelessly strewn on the countertop (photo 1), but that's not necessarily the fault of the establishment.

Handicap accessible?

Unless I missed the elevator, then no. But I could be wrong...there should definitely be one here as it is in one of the most frequented tourist areas of NYC.

Lighting?

For a resto basement, it was bright enough to see where to hide dead bodies poop.

Toilet paper quality?

2-ply all da wayyy.

Paper towels and soap?

PT's yahhh, soap yahhh. Dryers? Yeppers.

Open for public use/ non-patrons?

I awkwardly maneuvered through the restaurant and straight downstairs past a few waitresses who were probably judging me silently...I kinda think it's a no on public use for this one, even though there was no lock/ code on the door...

Overall Rating:

💩💩💩 / 5

Not handicap accessible. Not cool.

Location:

[wepoopedthere]

Tous Les Jours, 31 West 32nd Street, Midtown

There’s nothing like some good ole’ fashioned hand washing once you’re outside the restroom, in full view of patrons with their pastries. On the double plus side, TWO restrooms for the ladies and one for the gents. Double standards are welcomed with open arms in this case.

Clean facilities?

Minimal and stain-free, the way it should be (especially in a pastry joint). Hooks aren’t available, but you can make do with a mirror that juts out. Must admit a clever thumbs up to first opening the door and then washing your hands.

Handicap accessible?

No issues there, the challenge will be with getting past those indecisive pastry-hovering individuals.

Lighting?

Made my way around the compact space with no trouble at all.

Toilet paper quality?

There was some, yes.

Paper towels and soap?

When did hot pink liquid soap become the establishment norm? To alert those who dare try to escape the wash? We’ll investigate more closely at some point. Watch out though, one sink for three restrooms.

Open for public use/ non-patrons?

Has that ever stopped anyone? If you know where it’s at, go for it. Applicable to more than just bathrooms—we’re feeling generous with life advice today.

Overall Rating:

💩💩💩 / 5

Location:

[wepoopedthere]

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

Toilets, duh.