A defeated sigh left Sirius’s lips, bowing slightly at the neck, he held his head in his hands for a moment. Sirius never cried, never so much as allowed his eyes to swell, mostly because that sort of thing was definitely not allowed in Orion Black’s manor. In fact, there were only a handful of people who had seen him even remotely close to it, and one of them was Remus, even with that in mind, he still took a moment to swallow hard to quell the catch in the back of his throat that wanted more than anything to be let out, instead what escaped him was a more than audible further sigh.
Slowly, he raised his head once again, taking what Remus said on board, he gave one shake of his head. “I should have been there.” Regulus was just as stubborn as Sirius, and even if he had been there, it was pretty unlikely that Sirius could have done anything to prevent what happened, though that knowledge did little to extinguish the guilt he felt in his heart. “I already did, Rem…..” Managing finally to find Remus’s gaze, the expression on Sirius’s face was nothing more than exhaustion and pain. “…Live in the what ifs, it’s been my reality for a while..all my life. What if I stayed with him, i already wondered that before…. what if I just stood up to him…” Sirius never used Orion’s name, and he never referred to him as ‘father’ and everyone who spent any measurable time with Sirius knew who he meant when he simply used the word; ‘him.’ “…What if everything….” A low chuckle escaped him, though there was absolutely no humour behind it. “Sorry, I’m not great company right now, mate….. can we talk about anything else? How are you? How’s work going? Anyone new in your life?”
Remus’ heart hurt to see Sirius in such pain, but there was little more he could do than sit and listen. He could have found arguments, if he thought it was worth trying to change Sirius’ mind. Regulus’ death was too fresh a wound, though, and guilt was a natural part of the grieving process, or so Remus was led to believe. He hadn’t yet lost anybody that close so while his life, too, was filled with what ifs and guilt and pain, it didn’t feel right to try and equate their experiences just to give a platitude Sirius wouldn’t even want to hear. “If you want to hear all the ways it could have ended up a lot worse, I’m good at that,” he offered. They had no way of knowing any more what could have been.
“Anything else, sure,” he agreed with a nod, but his reassuring smile disappeared into a frown the moment ‘anything else’ turned out to be talking about Remus. “Work,” he repeated. Had that much time slipped away since they last spoke? It was one of the most unsettling things about not all living on top of each other like they had at Hogwarts. “Uh, it was just a temporary contract. I got a bit for helping with the clear up around Diagon Alley.” The frown deepened momentarily and then cleared as he decided to just pretend Sirius hadn’t asked that last question. He didn’t have the energy for a conversation about how he didn’t see the point in dating when that would just mean someone else to lie to. He was exhausted enough from the job hunting. “Can I light up in here?” he asked in deflection.
