Infinite Everything

//emily//music//krewlife//life//

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

Have you ever been so in love with someone that you don’t think you could live your life without them? That everything that makes up your life just does not feel worth living for unless they are by your side?

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

I haven’t written in a while. I don’t really wanna define where I’ve been the past several months, but I’ve been doing things & being with people that have made me realize that now is the time to make a change for myself, before it gets worse & before it get too late. This is probably the hugest thing I have ever needed to do for myself… bigger than moving to Chicago & that is something I never thought I could succeed in doing. This maybe the hugest thing I have ever done, but mostly- this is also probably one of the scariest things I have ever done. Scary because I know exactly how the road was like getting here & I hated it & I saw exactly how it affected the people around me, the road just coming through recklessly whenever it desires just destroying everything & paving its way through those people, through me, & even right in between me & those people. This was a road I had no control of getting on. I found myself on this path just dragging the people I love the most in the dust behind me. They are just trailing after me, picking up all of the pieces that have chipped off my mind & soul as much as they can for me. It just made me really realize when I were being given the pieces to mend, fix, & piece my mind back together, I did not react or behave or accept the way I should have. Seeing how I just throw those pieces back on the ground like it didn’t matter, but eventually I learned how heavy & weary it is for a person to just do that & it just about killed me. That’s scary. Back with the scary- I was succeeding in something I fear & know I’m scared of & that is taking the people I love the most down with me. Insert shameless ‘Illenium “Take You Down” song lyric tattoo on my left forearm plug’ right here. This road has been something I kinda looked at in the past, but seeing it happen to you, my love, was just a road I could not bare to see exist anymore & I am doing something about it. A different road from here on out. Not for just my sake, by for all of the people I love’s sake. I can just imagine & picture what the road will be like going forward & let me just say, for the third time, how much this will be scary. I can be an emotional person a lot of the times, so when I fear something, when I am deeply & immensely scared of something, that emotion is coming from the strongest & deepest parts of my heart, the parts of my heart when you live. My own fear & scare is something I can only help myself through, especially to get to where I need to be & could be & definitely can be in my life & in myself. I know I need to not give up on myself. This whole new road is scary because I’m scared of the people who got me to where I am giving up on me, the people who got me on this road just turning direction, going the other way, & never ever looking back. That fear of abandonment thing man, that shit has been & probably will always eat me alive from the inside out in every kind of circumstance like this. But, I just know I cannot go about this alone. You held my hand through everything & gave me strength to learn & realize, but I just need you to keep holding on. I’m doing this for all the better & healthier reasons & I am beyond excited to come out the other side from all of this… I just damn pray & plead you will be still by my side through it all.

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

Him

I have not written in a while- at least for this specific purpose, which is for myself. But I haven’t in a while because I never really had the need to write. I usually have the need or even urge to write when things are kinda going wrong or weird in my life & writing helps me figure shit out. I can express & map out everything the way I want & desire in my own words- all of these thoughts & feelings just coming out of my mind & through my fingers & into a pen or into a keyboard. Sometimes, shit doesn’t make sense it seems, but as long as I can figure it out & know what I mean, then that is all what matters when I write.

Anyways, I felt no need to write because things have been seemingly okay & steady for a little bit. I can confidently address the reason everything in my life has been feeling decent because that reason made me feel hopeful, secure, & happy & that is all I could need in my life right now. But, I have been without this reason in my everyday physical life & that lasting physicality of them is starting to slowly dissipate to the point when I feel like I am beginning to forget certain things. I won’t get into the depths of those things, not tonight, but it was just beginning to make me wonder if on the other side, that reason is beginning to forget too...

Shit like this just gets my mind drilling this massive hole through my mind, growing by the second as I am doing it to myself. I know I am overthinking, even though I was told I shouldn’t. I know I am scared, even though I was told I shouldn’t. I think the thing I just really forget is when things felt secure. I felt secure previously with the reason fueling me every single waking second of every day right by my side & right in front of my eyes. I could reach out- experience, touch, immerse, & breathe every thing that makes this reason the reason I feel okay in this world & in my life right now. As time as gone by, not having that in what feels like forever hurts- it empties, it aches, & it kills. Life no longer feels like life, because without that reason right there, life never completely feels okay enough or steady enough or decent enough to go through & live through.

That is exactly what has been going through my mind for a little while now. I am just scared to lose this reason somehow, someway & if I ever do, I have no clue what I will do. That reason- him... I do not think I am capable of existing without him in my universe.

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

I find myself gasping for air harder. I find myself feeling colder. I find myself shedding more tears. I find myself growing more distressed.

All things I seem to be experiencing just at the cause that you are not here in this present moment.

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

What Sitting Alone in my Living Room Does to Me

I sit on my couch, remembering it used to be ours. I sit in my living room, remembering it used to be ours. I look at my bedroom, remembering it used to be ours. I live in this whole space, remembering it used to be ours.

Each of these things, along with every single other aspect of my life, is lonely, empty, & incomplete without you. Your presence just about filled everything in this space & this life the greatest warmth, care, & adventure. I just get hit by a bus with emotion & wonder that I cannot go without you being a part of everything that is mine, from my fucking couch, to living room, to bedroom, to this space & any space I occupy... to my whole life. This is the moment I remind myself I cannot live without you. I just get taken back to our beginning, how it all started, & where it went. And the first moment I lost you, though temporary, it was the worst pain, absence, & loss I could ever experience in my life, it was the moment I realized I know I could not live without you. I told myself that I would spend every second of my existence being yours, proving it & showing it in every power I have.

Who knew me sitting on my our couch, siting in our living room, all of this would come about?

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

What if you got me back so just you could use me as your emotional punching bag pillow combo... use me to satisfy your fucked up bullshit & inner workings & demons & use me to be there for your utmost convenience... Do I just pull my guard backup & prepare for you to hurt me & break me & burn me & destroy me?

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

Here’s a thought that I hope makes you take a step back & look at shit in your life a little bit differently... if not- whoops.

Everyone has bad experiences. Everyone has bad people in their lives. Everyone has bad shit in front of them all the damn time. From those things, people have after thoughts or lessons learned or takeaways from those experiences or people. And they say shit like this makes you the person you are today... that is fucking true. However, the depth of that, especially with people... I just realized that you kind of become the people who were not the people you had come across. For instance, someone comes along & takes your heart & just tosses it up in the air like it’s ball & you guys are about to play a million games with it... but they just shatter it or burn it to hell... yeah, you kind of end up walking out of that situation thinking, “Holy shit. How could they have done this to me... & my heart? I would never do that shit to anyone in my life.” Then, a little part of you grows better & warmer &, hopefully, smarter. After that, the cycle continues with every shitty person you come across in your life. That is those bad experiences or bad people “making you the person you are”. So. Moral of the story-everyone in your life fucking matters- it’s just seeing how they affect you & the imprint they leave behind... even if the person is so fucking shitty.

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

Another thing that just confuses, yet amazes me is that people will do anything & everything in their power to be something for someone else when they are not even present in their own self- they become a person they cannot even recognize when they look in the mirror because of just one person that they decided would take over their being... How fucking awful is has to be like that...

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

It’s frightening to see how feelings of love & care & awe will just grow into feelings of fear, irrationality, & ache.

That is why people will act in such anger or stupidity or terror over someone they love because they are just scared to lose them or watch them walk away.

It’s tragic. Love should not be like that. Love should grow into more love. Not that...

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

It’s happening. I’m falling for you. Hard. It’s honestly scary. I just do not wanna fall if you will not there be to back me with open arms. I did not think that falling would be painful too. Painful because of knowing how terribly tragic the heartbreak from you could be. But that is what you get when you start falling in love with someone I guess. If only you are falling for me the same way I am for you...

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

I can confidently say I am falling for you more and more every single day. There is always something that makes me just fall deeper into you. But, I hate when you do something that makes me fall for you more because it is just a tease of something I may never get to have with you or feel with you or experience with you... Just a reminder that right now, we are stuck at the same level & going nowhere. We are just on pause & who fucking knows when our play button will be hit next... or if it ever even be hit. Just hate having something I want so badly just dangling in front of my weak heart & teary eyes just enough out of my fucking reach. That hurts. Straining for possible hopelessness & heartbreak. Why do you have to be so fucking good... it hurts

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

I just thought about how fucked up it would be if I started writing out a letter from the moment I began falling for someone- that every single time they broke a little piece of my heart off, I write a sentence about it, while also every single time they made me feel like the only person in their world that mattered & existed, I erase or delete a previously written sentence from when they broke it. As time goes one, the longer the letter gets, the more time it seems he has broken my heart, into who knows how many pieces for every sentence... then once he ever, if he ever, asks to have me & my heart as his... we’ll see if there will even be any pieces left of it.

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

Here We Go Again

I was told that I needed to give myself a grace period before I went all in writing about this. I must say though that the fact I have written something like this, with the same kind of hopeful, naive, & uncertain attitude towards a new person, before... the dream state & honeymoon phase of whatever “relationship” beginning, is fucking hilarious, yet so tragic. It is hilarious yeah, just because I am a sappy bitch who likes to write out everything the way I do. But it is also tragic, since I have had to start over with a new one so fucking many times. This transition or adjustment of a new one is something I know too damn well. But here we are, with a new one & I just fucking plead & hope & dream for this to be it, for this to be one to last a long time, for this to be what I actually, truly deserve, for this to be what I have been longing for for what seems like & feels like my whole damn mature life. This feels beyond right & I couldn’t imagine myself not having this in my life right now. The way everything unfolded & came to be... how could this not work out, where could things possibly go wrong? But the thing is- I know me & I know what I want & need & feel & think. But with you, I have no idea what could be going through your head when the thought of me comes up or even when you & I are together... The lust. The anxiety. The feelings. The uncertainty. The wonder. It is all back & & who knows what will happen with you... here we go again.

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

Waking up to a new day & seeing, feeling, & knowing you aren’t here in every way you could be... I scream your name sobbing with all of the tears of devastation, heartbreak, & emptiness just profusely streaming down my face. I say, “I love you. I love you. Please just come back. I need you” out loud & I could just feel the loss hope of that just closing in on me & my chest. I cry harder. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to think. It hurts to miss. Everything just hurts. How could you just let me go? How could you continue on without me? How could you not feel & accept all of my love, when it is clearly something you need in your life? How could you...

I’ll continue to let all of these things occur on a daily basis, because I love you, & if it means feeling pain & heartbreak & your pure absence... then I will put myself through it to feel anything with you right now... I would do anything for you because I love you.

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

you are that someone

Someone who will hold hands with you & run into the flames- not set everything you touch on fire.

Someone who will break your fall by catching you- not being the force that made you fall in the first place.

Someone who will hug you & project the greatest kind of warmth on you- not freeze you over with their cold-heartedness.

Someone who will make you cry tears of happiness & offer you their shoulder- not make you cry tears of heartbreak & not even know you are crying. 

Someone who will feel experience emotions, thoughts, & feelings you have with you by your side- not just sit there not even trying to understand what emotions, thoughts, & feelings are.

Someone who will show you off to all of their friends & people in their life with all of the gratefulness & awe in the world- not keep you behind closed doors all the time.

Someone who will look at you like you are the only silver lining & brightest light in their life- not look at you with just questions & uncertainty. 

Someone who will put the umbrella or coat on you first in the rain- not leave you alone in the cold, wet misery.

Someone who will hold you like they never, ever want you to leave them alone- not push you away because they need space.

Someone who will give you all of the love they possess in them every chance they get- not just for a convenient moment’s sake.

Someone who will love you- not someone who will be scared to try at all...

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

When I’m missing you...

When I’m missing you, I just want you to be here

When I’m staring at my text messages, I want a text message from you

When I’m going through Instagram, I want to see a notification of your randomly & surprisingly following me or messaging me

When I’m lying in bed alone, I want you to come bursting through my door & you join by lying right besides me

When I’m staring at apartment as I am walking up to it, I want to see you just standing by my front door or sitting on the concrete just waiting for me

When I’m working & no customers are walking through the door, I want you to come & get a drink from me

When I’m shopping, I want to randomly run into you

When I’m asleep or napping at my apartment, I want you to just be there when I wake up

When I’m singing in the shower, I want you to be on the other side of the door just hearing the pain & heartbreak coming from my voice

When I’m walking on the street, I want to see you on the street across the way

When I’m walking by your place, I want you to only see me from behind walking away from your place

When I’m having the lowest & darkest moment, I want Elaina to contact you so you can try & attempt or think about coming to my rescue

When I’m rereading the letter, I want you to be rereading it, if you even read it at all, as much as I have been

When I still say ‘I love you’ out loud when thinking about you, I want you to be able to hear me, somehow & somway

When you are thinking of me, if you even do, I want you to be questioning the idea of me loving you or the idea if you could have loved me or was beginning to

When I’m missing you, I just want you to be here

[whatadeepdarkdaze]

An Imagination Turned Nightmare

I imagined us growing together & in our own ways, but now I can’t imagine growing with anyone else or growing by myself at all.

I imagined I would shine light in every dark corner of you & your soul, but now I can’t imagine you allowing someone else to do that.

I imagined you would finally see we were made for each, perfect for each other even, but now I can’t imagine another girl being made for you or perfect for you.

I imagined that I would be able embraced by you in moments of weakness, tire, or pain, but now I can’t imagine not having that warm, comforting embrace of yours anymore.

I imagined that you would be the one to catch my tears when I would cry about anything, but now I can’t imagine me letting anyone else even see me tear up.

I imagined that our intimate moments would only become more magical & intense, but now I can’t imagine ever being intimate with anyone else like how we were.

I imagined that everytime you would touch me in anyway I would feel so much warmth & happiness & gratefulness, but now I can’t imagine being touched that amazingly by anyone else.

I imagined the many times of falling asleep next to you at night & waking up next to you in the morning, but now I can’t imagine falling asleep & waking up with you by my side.

I imagined us being together so much & each of us becoming appendages & each other’s other halves, but now I can’t imagine getting close to any other person to the slightest degree.

I imagined we would miss each other literally every single second we weren’t in each other’s presence, but now I can’t imagine missing anyone else like now I miss you now.

I imagined you would want to show off to everyone you know that I am yours & only yours, but now I can’t imagine what you could even tell people about me, if you even do talk about me. 

I imagined I would change your life in endless different ways, but now I can’t imagine who else could or even who you would even allow to do that.

I imagined you would come to me for everything in your life, from feeling all emotions to experiencing all adventures to facing all problems to listening to all music to satisfying all impulses to questioning all thoughts to every fucking thing else in between, but now I can’t imagine you no longer wanting to do any of that with me.

I imagined that seemingly everlasting love for you would just flourish, but now I can’t imagine falling in love with anyone else, let alone my love for another person being able to flourish the way my love could have flourished for you.

I imagined that you would fall in love with me, but now I can’t imagine the girl you will end up falling in love with & she will not be me...

This is this imagination I had for us, a fantasy you would call it. Sleeping can’t fix anything, although I feel nothing could fix this, but I keep waking up to all of this every single day... as you sleep & wake so softly & peacefully. This was our imagination, but all we are is a nightmare now- an imagination turned nightmare.