Life At Its Best

[whatcadmonwants]

I thought my whole world is going to end when I got diagnosed. The fear in me, nothing can explain it. The first question that came to my mind, “Cadmon, what have you done?” It echoes in my head even until today. The physical pain, emotional stress that comes with it is very overwhelming. Adding on to the fact that it has no cure, what am I going to do with my life moving forward, I literally achieved nothing, is it going to end? I try to keep myself distracted, but it doesn’t seem to work at all. I finally have the courage to seek help, but it came with a great cost. But even after procedures, it’s still there, lesser symptoms maybe, as I said it has no cure. I am trying my very best to live life like a normal human being, but it ain’t that easy. Everyday, little things never fail to remind me that it’s never ever going to be the same. I have never felt more alone than before. I blame myself for getting myself in trouble, but why me? Why of all people, me? I’m currently at that state where I am clueless of what’s awaiting for me. The fear of what’s coming next, actually the fear of not knowing what’s coming next, that’s scary. I am scared

[whatcadmonwants]

All alone, my life exactly like it. I've been alone far too long, have I not made any effort at all? I have, I suppose but yet it's not enough. What do I want in life? I know what I want. I'm just really empty inside. I have this desperation to achieve something but for some reason it's just not happening like how I wanted it to be. Is it wrong for just wanting something more? I have never been in luck or in favour of any situation that kind of compliments me. Some people might say "some people have real problems unlike you". Everyone have different definition of "problems", it's just that we are in different situation and circumstances and our priorities are different at that point of time. What the fuck do you mean by thats not a real problem? EVERYONE HAS GOT THEIR REAL PROBLEMS. Bottomline, high expectations means higher disappointments period.

[whatcadmonwants]

Hold up, look above where you will see light, which means look high enough you will see a whole new world, a whole new horizon. At the end of the tunnel there will be light, just hang in there a little more before you get to there, eventually MOST of us will. It depends on the amount of work you put through, no one gets through the easy way (okay, maybe some because life is unfair). I personally feel that it is always okay to stop and take a break, have a cup of coffee before continuing your journey to the end, the light, whatever you call it, we don’t know how long the tunnel is, for some it’s a short one, some is just never ending. But of course, DON’T BE A WHINY LITTLE BITCH AND JUST REST YOUR ASS ON THE GROUND, the ground is not a travelator, it will not move by itself. No excuses. Nevertheless, we all will be able to enrich our life and soul with the experiences we get, a bittersweet experience is what we all need.

[onlymywishfulthinking]

[whatcadmonwants]

Imma keep running coz a WINNER don't quit on themselves

Freedom

[whatcadmonwants]

now what?

Is it good to live in the now? or is it better to live in a world where only we dream of? I am not talking about professional prospects, money or anything. The real topic here is love or just a life partner. Life partner is overused, some people can’t even be together for more than 10 years and they call them life partners. Pfft, I’m being very skeptical isn’t it? People ask why don’t you get yourself into a relationship bla bla bla, you think I don’t to? You really think I don’t want to? Who doesn’t like to be spoiled and cuddled? Who doesn’t like to be loved and feel wanted? Everybody wants to (I have lied in several previous occasions about not wanting to get into a relationship haha). I sound pretty desperate right? I am sick and tired of all the endless hookups that means nothing, making love which doesn’t involve ANY feelings at all and at the end of the day, what’s the FUCKING point? What is sex without love right? I sound like a douche bag/ slut right now right? I do believe in love, I just don’t believe it’s gonna happen to me period. It’s very different for me, so damn different from everyone else, and so damn hard. I was kinda hooked up on a series that I am watching about this couple character, let’s call them Z and J. They are perfect for each other, exactly what I want and I can relate to that and then it hit me, what I want is only gonna happen in movies or on tv. That sucks isn’t it. I am very happy for them and jealous at the same time, so jealous that....... I’ll just leave it there. I’m always barking up the wrong tree, ALWAYS, hoping for a miracle to happen and end up I am the one getting hurt and the cut is deeper and deeper each time. J thought he was barking up the wrong tree, he was TOLD that, but he kept barking and the tree became his. Is it wrong to hope that it will also happen to me? IS IT? I have become this sick, needy, disgusting, annoying little bitch that is so desperate on the inside and it’s taking a toll on me on the outside. You think I like writing all these on Tumblr and blogging about it? NO! Whatever issues that I am battling or going through I do not like to parade it around like my kickass pictures on Instagram, which is why it’s here. This is the only way to get it off me and I feel much better after that. Right now, writing all these is like therapy for me. Two person in this world that knows the 80% of the real me, 20% is still buried deep down, not wanting to see daylight at all. So what’s left here? I’m just gonna continue my life and till then.

[whatcadmonwants]

Just watched The Girl on The Train with my dear friend Hakim last night and I must say that Emily Blunt is a brilliant actress, also a big shoutout to her makeup team for making her alcoholic look legit as fuck. Surfboard Fire is the soundtrack of the movie by the amazing Blitz//Berlin.

I personally like this type of music, it brings you somewhere, close your eyes and let it teleports you to a place where only your imagination is the limit. Of course it would be better if the sample of Heartless by Kanye West is included but anyways, this is my sort of music. Dark, urban with a little orchestra in it, something like Lana Del Rey meets The Weeknd. The Girl on The Train, to those who read the book, which I haven’t, let me know what is the difference, I think the book would be better, but the Girl in The Train is a must watch I think. It’s a lil mindfucking here and there because Anna and Megan look so alike. I thought it was a lil boring at first coz I’m still trying to soak everything in like you know the character and everything. Not gonna spoil much. On the bright side, it shows how an abusive relationship, alcoholism and affairs can wreck up your life.

[whatcadmonwants]

Affirmation + State of mind

It's the time of the month again, there will be times where you feel like everything that happened or happening is against you, like literally everything. For me, this happens a bit too often now where I'm starting to get worried whether am I having some problem with my state of mind or something, I don't know. What I did yesterday was, I walked down my apartment, sat on the bench for a good one hour at the bus stop and just enjoy the breeze and looking at people and cars passing by. That sort of calmed me down a little, it works in a miraculous way. Then I realized that I cannot put my happiness into someone's else's hands, like why would I? Easier said than done right? My mind is playing tricks with me, always making me feel unappreciated all the time where I feel this loneliness that I can never explain, the longing for something that is not there the whole time and my sense of comfort depended on that. Sometimes I can remember vaguely on how I got there. I'm a smart person, like what the hell was I thinking. I know that I am being very needy right now and that's cause I never once felt being wanted or appreciated my whole life. I have always been the second choice, the someone that you go to when no one else is there. I dare to say that I am always there for someone but why there's no one for me when all I need is just a companion to make me feel better. As this goes on, I am feeling even more scared that am I having some serious issue that people call depression? I'm scared. I tried to be as happy or positive as I can be but I dont know why I'm just a worthless piece of shit when it comes to my emotions sometimes. The need to be independent since I was a kid makes me to feel the need to be dependent to someone because I'm sick of being independent sometimes. The sad part is I can't afford to be dependent as I know all I have is me, myself and I. All I ask for is a simple thank you so much or just a simple hug, ice cream and affirmation can make such difference in my day. Is that too much to ask for? In my context, yes it is.

[whatcadmonwants]

Totally inspired by this guy here, Captain James Anthony Tan, Guinness record holder, for youngest guy to fly solo around the world. I salute him for his undying passion to pursue what he loves, throwing away his savings and just buy a plane at the age of 16, brave enough to go to the Prime Minister to propose his plan for his intentions and succeeded after that. His story truly moved me and inspired me to do wonders, one thing I salute the most, he didn't let go of his dreams even when he faced obstacles that is life ending. So inspiring, we really should catch up sometime, like really. Venturing into business after that is just smart, i want to be like you, i mean not in terms of flying but being able to pursue what you love is amazing. I agree very much to this quote or saying "Beyonce also has 24 hours a day, same goes to Usain Bolt, Bill Gates and James Anthony Tan, what is your reason not to succeed? You can't be blamed if you are born poor, but you are definitely to be blamed if you die poor"

[whatcadmonwants]

When I heard this song, almost immediately I fell in love, after watching the video, DONE, LOVE. The immerse culture of India or southeast Asia is beautiful and so diverse. It triggered me on how I spent my days in Asia traveling here and there. It might seemed like I am a metropolitan kind of person, I won't deny it yes I am but when I'm traveling especially in Asia, I have always wanted to go to places like Saigon, Yangon and Phnom Penh, these places will allow me to open my eyes and see the world with such perspective that I won't be able to do it here, maybe because this is my country and yes I know it's beautiful, but it's just not the same, how can it be the same. March, Cadmon Spears gonna take over Cambodia in 5 days, gonna travel to two cities across Cambodia and to Ho Chih Min City, all by myself, it's on.

[whatcadmonwants]

Looks like cum, taste like shit, it looks nice, very mouth watering, but no

[whatcadmonwants]

The best person, my best friend, who will not judge no matter what I do, puts me on a pedestal

[whatcadmonwants]

It’s sad

I just met someone that is so good looking yesterday, we clicked right away, we just sat there and talked and talked and talked, but I didn’t dare to ask for contacts, what we said was see you around, I know it’s not possible, how would it even be possible, I am still struggling with self confidence, I am not good enough, when I saw AJ, I just totally froze, I can’t do anything, I just became a little boy, I am not like that. Even it’s just for a few hours, we clicked, but deep down I know, I won’t be seeing AJ again. We touched, we shook hands, and we said bye.