I don't even know anymore

This is my page for me, ignore text posts they are meaningless vents to reflect on and realise my thoughts are dumb or pointless intrusive worries. Always trying to improve myself and be a better human. I live with regrets and always hate my past self. I don't know if I'll ever be of enough value to anybody but myself

[whatevenamianymore]

Im just so lost now. I don't understand what's happened in a couple of months for her to go so cold and for me to suddenly feel like I'm some crazy stranger admitting feelings I've had for 14 years. Like, am I really that easy to just give up on?

I don't even know what's actually going on with her anymore. Maybe she's genuinely in a really dark place and struggling with everything, maybe there's something else going on that I don't know about. That's probably what's fucking with my head the most, because I have no idea what's real anymore.

I keep wondering if she just wants me out of her life for good but doesn't want to be the one to say it. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that, because I don't want to leave her.

I don't care if she's struggling or difficult or has bad days. I've known her for 14 years. I've seen enough of the complicated parts to know I don't just want the easy version of her. I still want to be there when things are shit too. I don't need her to be okay all the time. Even the scary hospital trips she's said when she's really low, I'd still be there to take her...not that I'd want it to come to that but I still would. I love her more than anything.

I don't even know how to explain that without sounding weird. I bought a cold ginger beer the other day and immediately thought of her because she once told me it helped settle her stomach when she was anxious, and she'd use one for a cold compress on the back of her neck. I even brought them along for our Melbourne meet just in case she needed one... That's just the sort of stupid little thing my brain remembers about her. I mentioned it to her and afterwards just felt like I'd made myself sound completely fucking weird.

I'm just lost. I miss her. I want her in my life. I don't know what happened or what I did wrong, and I don't know whether she's trying to leave me behind or whether she's just struggling with things I can't see. I just wish I knew.

[whatevenamianymore]

[whatevenamianymore]

[whatevenamianymore]

We can't stop here.. this is bat country

[whatevenamianymore]

I just want to buy tickets and go visit her, she's gone quiet because "overwhelming stuff at work to do with ohs" which seems strange she wouldn't give more details and makes my brain just do many worst case scenarios to protect itself for the worst case...but she has no energy so I guess explaining is too much... I just want her to be ok. So I just can't bring anything up to her without adding pressure to her, maybe she doesn't even want to see me, maybe she's pulling back on purpose. I just can't tell without her talking to me. But if I had the chance I'd just buy tickets and visit her for a weekend or something. I just miss the one person in the world that feels like home. At least in person she could know how much she means to me... Or she can just realise she doesn't want me anymore, I dunno. I couldn't never be sick of her, but fully understand getting sick of me.

[koushuwu]

[whatevenamianymore]

Had this fucking good dream about her last night. It keeps replaying in my head today.

We were fucking slow and deep. My body pressed tight against hers. I leaned down and whispered right against her ear.

"I have been switching your birth control with placebos for weeks, Evil. Those little pills you keep taking have been doing nothing at all."

I told her how I had been secretly replacing them for weeks so every time I slid inside her raw was trying to knock her up. I wanted the thought to sink deep into her mind. That every single load I pumped into her could actually get her pregnant.

She became desperate and moaned so loud when I said it. Her pussy clenched hard around my cock like the risk alone turned her on more than anything, cumming so hard on me as a reaction, quivering and needy, kissing me so hard, sending me over the edge and filling her cunt deep with cum.

Then the dream jumped ahead a few sessions later. With some weird second life trip to the market and back home some other day

We were fucking again. This time she was on top of me. Riding me slow and greedy. Her tits bouncing with every roll of her hips. She looked down at me with that dark hungry smile and whispered.

"You think you are so clever. You didn't switch my pills, I checked, but I just stopped taking them completely days ago. I figured this is what you really wanted cause I want it more than anything. So I just threw the rest away. I have not been on any birth control at all."

Her voice got breathier. Needier.

"That means the last few times you fucked me. You were pumping your cum into me with zero protection. I am probably already pregnant with how many times you've filled me the last week."

The second those words left her mouth something inside me snapped. I grabbed her hips hard. I started thrusting up into her deep and relentless. She gasped and moaned louder. Riding me faster as she kept whispering right against my lips.

"Fill me up. Breed me. I want it. I want your baby so bad, knock me up, I fucking need it."

She learnt forward and kissed me hard and needy, I could not hold back anymore, I thrust as deep as I could. I came so fucking hard. Flooding her with thick heavy ropes of cum, painting her womb while her pussy milked every single drop out of me. Pulsing and squeezing like her body was begging to get knocked up as she came hard too.

In my mind I should have told her I was only roleplaying to make things hotter and should have told her, but her desperation was intoxicating and I didn't know she would do that. After we came down she said just tricking, I can play games too.. or maybe I'm not tricking? Guess you'll find out if you see a bump growing, but I need you to trust me and keep filling me....

God. Even writing this out is making me ache. Like I don't want to knock her up, I'm not stupid. I'd be down for it if we were in a safe place and ready for it if she actually did want it. I'd be fine not having a kid too. But I like my mind being totally oblivious to how safe we are being, cause the risk is so hot.. the kink is so hot.. and my body's desperate need to try and knock her up I can't control. So I hope she's just onboard and being safe but I have absolutely no way of knowing which is scary as but also so fucking hot. I love the mind games and my dreams just agree and be like oh well knock her up if she's that desperate... I can't win haha 🤣

I have not told her about the dream yet. She has been so overwhelmed lately. Work is destroying her. She is exhausted and on the verge of tears most days. I do not want to push her too hard right now. She needs soft days and head pats

Maybe I will share it with her when she feels a little stronger, I love her reactions to my dreams, would prefer just fucking her and cuddling her safely every night to sleep, but this is all I got for now. Maybe I will just keep it here.. Let it keep turning me on in secret.

[festeredhearts]

[festeredhearts]

[festeredhearts]

[whatevenamianymore]

Talking and giggling with my favourite meow meow again feels like exhaling after holding my breath for a year. No performance, no explaining myself, just easy and comfortable no matter what mood I roll in with.

Some people just feel like home. You don't realise how much until the door opens again.

Just glad we found our way back

[whatevenamianymore]

Cute n spicy hits just right

[gothic3]

[konoko]

[konoko]

[whatevenamianymore]

[konoko]