My affection for Lexa increases every day, but that scene from the sneak peak hits another level of admiration. There was something at work in her soul that she was completely aware of and understood but had to ignore up until now. She wants to cry. So she cries. And it is so beautiful and sad, because there were so many moments before where she suffered and wanted to cry but couldn’t. We have so many scenes where it should have happened but it didn’t.
2x07. When she heard about Anya
2x09. When she told Clarke about Costia.
2x09. When she had to kill Gustus
2x15. When she had to betray Clarke
Her feelings fly quickly over her face but you see them in those short moments. She never cried because it would have made her look weak. That is what she thought, what she believed in - that it would make her look weak, and the Commander is not allowed to look, let alone be weak - head over heart. She had to repress her feelings all the time. She had to be ready to move on without even having the time to grieve. Swallow it down, look somewhere else, put yourself back into work. She is constantly sacrificing a part of her own happiness and has to ignore the pain that comes with it because that is what Commanders do.
And it is not just her family that she loses. Lexa has to worry about her own future as the Commander and her people as well. We also have scenes where Lexa wants to cry when it comes to them:
3x02 When Lexa looks upon Polis
3x05 When Lexa finds out what the Arkers have done to her people
Like, do I still need to go on? This is so fucking cruel.
But with Clarke it’s so different, because Clarke gives her the chance.
With Clarke she enters those unexplored regions in her heart and let’s those trembling sensations take over her. Clarke gives her the ‘something’, the future that she thought would be impossible to get in this life. And the way how Lexa treats Clarke for all the things Clarke gives her is so astonishing to me because when you look at Lexa you get this expression of wildness, someone you should never underestimate and be extremely careful with because she can and will end you the moment you do something that doesn’t sit well with her, but at the same time she is the person who performs this immense act of kindness, love, respect and softness towards Clarke that I have yet to see equalled by another character on the show. No one treats Clarke like Lexa does. No one.
And it’s so amazing because you can also see how Clarke puts a new spirit of life into Lexa’s frame and how Lexa falls in love with Clarke for that: Clarke gives her a new chance, a life that is about more than just surviving, a life where she will not die young like everyone else, a life where a ‘not yet’ - a ‘maybe some day’ - mean ‘I love you, too’ but we have to do our duties first. a life where they have to say goodbye for now but will have a future together. It’s a goddamn promise and Lexa takes it.
She let’s Clarke see what it does to her. She doesn’t try to press back her tears. She doesn’t try to hide the smile, she doesn’t look somewhere else but looks at Clarke and swallows and nods like she always does but this time is accepting her feelings in the process and she makes Clarke understand that she understands. She always understands. And this gesture is a yes to everything. She is melancholy and despair at once in this moment. She smiles because there is hope for them. And she cries because it hurts to let Clarke go - for now. Clarke is what she wants, who she is in love with, who showed her that love is not weakness but strength (which is funny in a sense because Lexa always claimed that love would be weakness but it has already such high value to her and is in the end what keeps her going). And if Clarke decides that it is better to take care of all the other things first, so that in the end they can be together without having to worry to be apart again, then so be it. Lexa will take it and wait. She will always wait for Clarke, because Clarke gives her a reason.
It’s challenging, and dangerous, and a long fight, but Lexa trusts Clarke so she fucking takes the promise with a smiling face and a heavy heart. Fuck.
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