que.le ... @whatohiuhli - Tumblr Blog

and I wonder now that I’ve revisited the past a little...

where I lost that wonder and inspiration.

and replaced it with insecurity on whether he’ll still be around after another year of me.

do I not trust him because I don’t trust myself with him?

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert (via purplebuddhaquotes)

purplebuddhaproject

“Something will grow from what you are going through. And it will be you.”

— Unknown (via overvhelm)

gabi is not a person, he is an angel

and this lemon verbena tea is almost just as perfect as him

violentwavesofemotion-deactivat

“This is something I know: damaged women? We don’t think we deserve kindness. In fact, when kindness happens to us, we go a little berserk. It’s threatening. Deeply. Because if I have to admit how profoundly I need kindness? I have to admit that I hid the me who deserves it down in a sadness well. Seriously. Like abandoning a child at the bottom of a well because it’s better than the life she is facing. Not quite killing my little girl me, but damn close.”

Lidia Yuknavitch, from “The Chronology of Water: A Memoir,” wr. c. 2011

menta1-illness

*quietly, from under 6 blankets* what the fuck

untamedunwanted

“One of the purest things that will ever happen to you is when you are having the worst day, and you’re rushing around mundane tasks inside your life trying to avoid catching up with yourself because you will crumble and you don’t want anyone to see that, and someone takes your hands and says “Hey, slow down. Just tell me what’s wrong.” Suddenly that huge hole inside your head and your heart feel just a bit better. Because someone does care. And someone loves you enough to know you need to crumble and doesn’t let you do it alone.”

— Nikita Gill

purplebuddhaquotes

Commit to loving yourself completely. It’s the most radical thing you will do in your lifetime.

Andrea Gibson (via purplebuddhaquotes)

I'm going to hate myself for staying up this late

here i am again, wanting to stay away from the male population and just hole up in my room with Hachi

i want toy hurt the asshole who stole my external hard drive. i really do. it’s one thing to take an electronic device it’s something to steal a collection of precious memories from someone... your karma will come to you.

Day One

July 22nd, 2017 post podcast listening. i’ve been investing some attention into self help plugs to try to educate myself a bit. found that listening to Tim Ferris’s podcast has given me a nice pull to some insight while i’m sitting at my desk at work. yesterday i was tuning into his interview with Blake MyCoskie and they were talking a bit about ritual practices. the highlighted one on journaling, specifically, morning journaling. so, i took that into consideration as i’m in my own process of trying to pick up better habits while i ween off the ones that no longer serve me. so basically you’re going to get more public diary and see Fay tryna do tings. removing the weight. i dont want to lauch this journaling with crazy goals or standard it with a full page essay. so im just gonna keep this simple for now and start with magnifying my insecurities. 1. your physical, emotional, and mental scars are going to weigh me down for the rest of my life. going through another cycle of inconsistent emotions in huge waves. it’s never been a comfortable thing to share, what i’ve always thought to be the lesser part of myself, with a significant other. im constantly worrying about how much he’ll eventually see and how that it could push him away. its an ugly cycle of closing myself off out of fear of abandonment and then spilling everything onto him all at once with the hope that it’ll be absorbed. but when things tide over and i manage to feel less cloudy i realize he’s still holding my hand and expressing how much he really loves and cares for me even though he doesn’t fully understand. for me, it comes down to the fact that i dont want to be weighed down by repressed insecurities and that i can recognize im not the only one dealing with my own bullshit. at least this time around i truly have someone who genuinely wants to invest in me and supports me in my struggles more gracefully than ive ever been able to with myself. being able to freely love him and accepting his love even when im at my most deterrent state says a lot about the kind of strength i want to really develop. ive progressed in this struggle and im learning more each time around.

four day work week and it somehow still managed to feel long and exhausting. still, feel pretty good about the time overall. reason being, there’s much to be excited for. started getting back on track with budgeting and finances. started tracking down my meals and cutting out as much sugar as possible putting myself on a scheduling regiment to help organize myself and stay productive. paint life is coming along nicely and planning my life around is actually my favorite thing I’ve been working on as of late. not to mention things with Biii have smoothed out since our last talk and I feel like I’ve improved in the way I try to communicate my feelings and concerns and he’s re-adjusted to being more gentle with me again. learning with someone you love can be exhausting but it strangely is satisfying at the same time. blessings.

aight. getting real about my health

public forum, not my usual style. but maybe leaving it here might help me address it personally and better than I have been this recurring UTI is no joke. after all the antibiotics I've taken... precautionary practices are really the only thing that better ensures another visit to the doctor’s office. no more having sex during my period no more crazy food intake and chilling the fuck out about the rest of my life

cause I mean, what’s worse than potentially developing chronic UTI is also putting an ulcer on top. You’re a big girl Fay, your body isn’t always going to be so forgiving

im going to probly hate myself in a couple hours for staying up so late

my fucking heart guhhhhhhlulululluhhh

So my car window got shattered last night by some asshole in my ghetto neighborhood. Was fuming about it when I found out this morning. But I marinated a little bit Realized there's much too be thankful for so this shit doesn't even need to be stressed on. Thank Gabi for always being an angel Thank Nahum for being a chill housemate Thank myself for having my shit together enough where I wouldn't be able to afford to get this fixed right now. Tryna stay on the come up. Gotta keep working hard to get my shit in order. Thank the heavens for Hachi because his fluffybutt always makes me smile

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