Welcome back! Up this week was a an appetizer, simple, but with a couple of twists.
So first off, I wan’t even sure if I’d be able to do this recipe right now, because, well, it’s March, and I wasn’t sure if I could find a decent cantaloupe. But when I went out to the store one night after work, I found this glorious melon. She was heavy, and I could just start to smell a sweet fragrance. I had to have her. So I picked her up, grabbed the delicious pig product, and went on my merry way. However, I’m a dumb ass. I forgot to look closely at the recipe, and completely forgot to buy fresh mint. “No problem” you would think, right? Wrong. It snowed like crazy here today. It was so bad, that my job actually let us all out early (with pay, whoo!). So I was not about to fucking run around town for fresh mint. But we have a store that is less than 3 minutes from where we live, so I ran down... only to find the fuckers were completely out of fresh mint. So... I had to substitute with dried mint. Which was “Meh”... so if you try this, please...don’t be a moron like me, and actually pick up some fresh mint while you are out. Annnny way... lets get into it!
So first off, I wan’t even sure if I’d be able to do this recipe right now, because, well, it’s March, and I wasn’t sure if I could find a decent cantaloupe. But when I went out to the store one night after work, I found this glorious melon. She was heavy, and I could just start to smell a sweet fragrance. I had to have her. So I picked her up, grabbed bacon’s delicious Italian cousin, and went on my merry way. However, I’m a dumb ass. I forgot to look closely at the recipe, and completely forgot to buy fresh mint. “No problem” you would think, right? Wrong. It snowed like crazy here today. It was so bad, that my job actually let us all out early (with pay, whoo!). So I was not about to fucking run around town for fresh mint. But we have a store that is less than 3 minutes from where we live, so I ran down... only to find the fuckers were completely out of fresh mint. So... I had to substitute with dried mint. Which was “Meh”... so if you try this, please...pleaaaaaaaaaaase don’t be a moron like me, and actually pick up some fresh mint while you are out. Annnny way... lets get into it!
Look at this juicy melon! Like... seriously! She’s just gorgeous and it took all of my self control not to just eat the melon. But I did, because I’m not a neanderthal and have some sort of self control (well sort of). So when I got into this recipe (after mentally kicking myself for no fresh mint), I realized just how easy it was. Simple. Cut melon. Arrange meat. Top with mint. Cook glaze. Great. Awesome. Perfect. Except... really the vagueness of this just irked me. I know I mentioned it last time... but I think it is going to be an overall theme. First... it stated to put the meat in a halo. Whatever the fuck that means, I honestly don’t know other than make it look circular. So... I don’t know if I was supposed to roll it, lay it flat out, mold it into a fucking hat. But I went with a simple roll of the meat, and then cut the roll in half because compared to the size of the melon, it was too big. I want to be able to take everything in one deliciously balanced bite. This worked out pretty damn well!
See my shame of dried mint? Yeah.. me too. If you, like me, don’t get fresh mint, please don’t skimp on it! Really, it was such a nice surprise to have that mint flavor with everything else. I really wish I would have been a bit more bold with it honestly! But it went alright. My next critique is the glaze. Don’t get me wrong, the glaze was brilliant. I just didn’t watch it well enough. I didn’t want it to be too liquidy, and the only directions were to cook it until it was “Syrupy as fuck”. Thanks, but that doesn’t really help. A time would have been nice here, even as a guideline. Because I learned tonight... that it goes from glaze to hard candy quickly.
I should have stopped cooking when it got like this, because turns out, this seizes up really quickly because of the sugar content, especially once it touches the cool melon. I mean, it looks pretty below, but about 3 minutes and it became sticky and taffy-like. So my advice, leave it a little on the liquid side of things, and it will turn out just fine.
So what did we think?
I personally thought it was good. Not great, but good. I was really impressed with how well the mint paired with the salt of the pork, and the acid from the glaze, and the sweetness of the melon. It all works really, really, really well together. I would break this out as an hors d'oeuvre or for a small party. I think this is a fuck-ton more interesting than those cheese and meat platters you get from grocery stores. I’m not really let down by the flavors, but more with the instruction. I think if I did this again, I’d be much happier with it the second time around.
The woman that lives with us did not like this. She saw how it was objectively good, but she hates cantaloupe. I was surprised actually that she tried it at all. She did not ask for this one to be made again, but did appreciate how pretty it looked, and could see how it would be delicious to others.
The carnivorous man loved this. He actually ate the seized up glaze (ugh), and loved it. I don’t know if he tasted the mint, but he went crazy for this. He wants that glaze on everything. He even spoke of using it in a couple of ways on desserts (which were horrifying to me). Plus... prosciutto. Really you can’t go wrong with that in his eyes.
So overall, this had pretty great results. It has been a long fucking week, and something easy, light, salty, and sweet really hit the spot. Give it a try at your next get together, and people will think you are this fucking gourmet-suzie-homemaker. Though... I still don’t know if this was a meat-halo..maybe you do.
I can’t wait to see what the fuck I’m cooking next! Happy Fucking Friday!
So here we are with my first “What the Fuck Friday” ! I was a bit nervous about this one, since it was my first, and since really, I’m not the biggest fan of kale. I didn’t get on that bandwagon when everyone seemed to want to shove kale in every sing orifice that they have. You remember that right? Well... either way, I never found it lived up to the hype, but I was willing to give this bad boy a try. So here it is...
So I’m not going to lie... the result of this recipe was fucking delicious. But it has bacon... so how could it not be? It was so well balanced, and even though I had to resist my Italian urges to add more garlic, and was confused at first why I wasn’t adding any type of salt and pepper, I was so happy that I didn’t! So moral of this, do what it says and don’t think you know better then the book.
So I was good and followed the recipe instead of being an ass-hat thinking I know best but honestly, I found that it was a little vague. This was great for me, because I don’t really need someone to hold my hand and pat my ass to tell me I’m doing it right, but I could see how it may leave someone not used to recipes, or cooking in general feeling uneasy. So the recipe was easy and quick, but I can tell this book is not fucking around. You can make it a bit easier by buying pre-shredded kale, or already prepped shallots/garlic, but you fucking shouldn’t. Work on your knife skills. It’ll benefit you in the end. But I’m not your real dad, so I won’t tell you how to live your life.
So I shared this with two others, and everyone was able to get a decent portion. So it probably should make enough for 4, but... fuck that. We all liked this to different degrees. A bit of background though. Me, I’m a foodie. I like to taste the full flavors of everything in the recipe. I don’t want shit hidden, I don’t want to cover everything with a pound of butter and cheese. Yeah, I’m that pompous asshole who is just on the edge of snobby (not organic snobby, but still).
The woman I share with is a veggie lover (not a vegan or vegetarian or someone who does sex stuff with food). She was pretty pleased with this, and already wants me to make it again. She thought it would be great as an “Easter side dish” because the colors were vibrant, and thought it would “pair well” with a ham. I agree on double the porky goodness, and it is pretty. I would definitely double the recipe and use this at a dinner party. People would love this shit. People like “Barbara” and “Chad” and “Susan”. You know... people who were all about that kale fad. Or impress your parents and make them a vegetable when they come to dinner.
The dude I share food with is not a veggie lover. He is like... a food dumpster. Someone who is known for sitting down with just a loaf of bread... or eating a block of cheese like a candy bar. He prefers meat... and fully accepts that he uses vegetables as a socially acceptable mode of transportation for butter, cheese, and dressing. He found this to be “meh”. He liked it enough to eat it, and was very appreciative of the proportion of bacon. He could objectively tell that it was done well, and was a good recipe, but it wasn’t his go-to veg dish (not that he has one).
So all in all, this is a fucking great dish. It could be a real crowd pleaser for a variety of people, and it was simple enough that you could make it within 30-40 minutes (if you don’t prep at all before). I’m ashamed to admit that I’m converted to a “kale lover”. But bacon can convert people to all kind of things, that salty- fatty temptress. Give it a try if you are looking for something healthy... but not too fucking healthy.
I can’t wait to see what the fuck I’m cooking next! Happy Fucking Friday!
So a few years ago, my parents were asking what I wanted as a gift. So I scrolled through Amazon, and was looking at a new cook book. I stumbled on “ What the F*@#Should I Make for Dinner?” by Zach Golden. It was a funny recipe book with some pretty great ideas, and a really funny narrative. However, after the initial read through, I have to admit, I haven’t picked it up since. So instead of letting it continue to gather dust in my kitchen I am going to work my way through all of his recopies, one Friday at a time. In my house, I’m calling it “What the Fuck Fridays”. So here is my journey through each one of them. I’ll update each Saturday with pictures, how the process went, and the overall thoughts on the recipe. So join me, for a foul-mouthed food journey.
