i'm becoming a snake so i will never have joint pain again see you losers later i'm going to go warm myself on a rock in the sun
well team it seems i don't actually know anything about snakes
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@when-bookworms-age
i'm becoming a snake so i will never have joint pain again see you losers later i'm going to go warm myself on a rock in the sun
well team it seems i don't actually know anything about snakes
I’ve just finished giving the “Song of Ice and Fire” books another chance, and I think I’ve finally got a handle on the main reason why I can’t get into them the way millions of others have done.
To me, they’re monotonous - mono-tone.
That’s not a comment on being long-winded - after all, they’re a big, sprawling epic fantasy. It’s because it seems to this reader that everything and everyone are variations of a tune played on one string: the world and everyone in it are grim, or ugly, or cruel, or devious, or just doom-laden and depressing.
These are five thick volumes which carefully describe, from different points of view, manure heaps big and small, ancient and modern, foreign and domestic. Yet - unless I blinked and missed it - they don’t spare a single chapter that breaks away from grimdark gloom to take non-cynical pleasure in anything, even the crops and flowers those manure-heaps should help to grow.
Well before I reached the end, it had started to feel as if heaping manure was an end in itself.
And then there’s Tyrion saying this:
“Most of the stories you hear about dragons are fodder for fools. Talking dragons, dragons hoarding gold and gems, dragons with four legs and bellies big as elephants, dragons riddling with sphinxes … nonsense, all of it.”
It’s always worth remembering that The Character’s Opinions Are Not (usually) The Author’s Opinions, but this raised my hackles.
It seems deliberately aimed at Smaug and Glaurung and Chrysophylax, Yevaud and Kalessin and Orm Embar, Hasai, Morkeleb, the witty “real dragon biology” of Peter Dickinson’s “The Flight of Dragons”, a long list of other fictional dragons and every writer who created one.
Cheap shot. Bad show, I think.
*****
Keep reading
School story recs ?
Any specific kind?
I like to stick with the old-fashioned ones. Malory Towers (by Enid Blyton) has a lot to recommend it, so long as you are prepared to overlook how spitefully they sometimes enforce conformity. If you’re happy with all that Enid Blyton entails, I’d definitely recommend picking up Malory Towers over her other school stories. It’s by far the most lovable.
The Chalet School Series (by Elinor M. Brent-Dyer) is absolutely delightful, but sometimes very Christian-preachy so whether it works for you depends on what you’re able to withstand. Lots of exciting hijinks, drama, and wholesome girlhood stuff if you’re alright with the churchy stuff - and a much more diverse cast than your average school story of the era, though still very white-Christian. (Honestly, even if you don’t want to read most of them, I’d recommend reading The Chalet School In Exile anyway simply as a heart-wrenching piece of history.)
The Dragonfly Pool (by Eva Ibbotson) is an enchantingly lovely school story, one of my all-time favourites, but it’s not quite the standard mould. It’s a free school, so there’s lots of strange children, absent parents and unusual lesson structures. There’s also the outbreak of the Second World War and a refugee prince from a small European country to deal with. It’s charming, and very friendly. Ibbotson also has another book - A Song For Summer - which is set in a boarding school in Austria, but this focuses on a member of staff and is really intended as a romance so while the school elements are definitely there, it’s less traditional “school story” and more “historical romance that involves a school”.
If you’d prefer something a bit more fantastical, there’s always Harry Potter but I’d suggest checking out The Worst Witch (by Jill Murphy), which has a very down-to-earth school feeling despite all the witchcraft.
Or maybe you want a murder mystery? Cat Among The Pigeons (by Agatha Christie) is a delightfully over-the-top mystery including jewel theft, murder and the ever-popular Poirot. You might also consider A Murder Most Unladylike (by Robin Stevens), which I have personally never read but heard so many good things about.
I hope there’s something here for you! If you’ve read all of these, of course, you might be far beyond my reach. My mother tried to limit the number of school stories I read as a child (that’s a long story) and I’m still catching up!
percy jackson audiobooks but they’re narrated by john mulaney
“You want the lightning bolt? Go get it!”
Gods: glad u survived the monsters we saw it from the throne room.
Percy: and you SAW what the monsters were doing to us
Gods: yeah bc we were sitting on the thrones
Percy: and yet you did NOTHING
Gods: ya bc we were SITTING on the THRONES
*minotaur shows up to the Battle of Manhattan* and THAT’S when the afternoon went from BAD to TERRIBLE
“I’ve never really cared about Greek Mythology. But then, last spring, the STRANGEST THING happened!”
“And then Mr. D said: “If I had my way, I would cause your molecules to erupt in flames.” You know, how you talk to a child.“
“Grover asked me if I liked Annabeth, and I said “No.” You know, like a liar.“
my mother wants me to wear a dress. But i don't want a bunch of young males leering at me with their horny imaginations filled with images of me naked in bed with them.
Mothers can be like that, it’s true. I understand how you feel. It doesn’t even matter at this point whether only a few of them would think of you that way or all of them would - if you feel uncomfortable, it won’t be a fun party for you. I suppose it must be possible to get modest, non-sexualised formal dresses - after all, prom dress codes can be so strict that surely there must be a market for them. But I have no idea how to go about finding them. I wish you the best of luck, though.
Thanks. It's really hard having a figure that really stand up and say "Hi!", my mother had in mind this sleek, liquid gold colored dress but like 99% of formal dresses, it's designed for tits and ass. I explained as tactfully as i could, that i didn't want to hear the male erections as i walked into the ballroom.
Awesome as sleek liquid gold sounds, I know exactly what you mean. I don’t suppose there’s anyway you could get away with wearing a suit? It’d still be formal but you might feel more comfortable that way. Glitz it up with some fancy cufflinks and coordinate your tie with your lipstick, you can still be the belle of the ball but you might be saved from the sound of male genitalia springing to attention.
I'm being dragged to a dance next weekend. Having to wear a dress which i dont want. a lot of dresses are designed to show off tits and ass which makes it hard to shop for formal events. dresses had either a plunging neckline or a wide leg slit.
I feel your pain. Dress shopping is the worst. My mother’s secret trick was to take me shopping in costume shops and modify the outfits for the occasion. You can usually get interesting, less revealing things that way but I don’t have the sewing skills to adapt them for myself. :/ You could always stitch a modesty panel into a plunging neckline? Depending on the style of dress, it might not be too difficult just to add a little triangle of fabric that could feel more comfortable?
Whatever happens, I wish you good luck. You never know - maybe the dance will be fun even if the dress is appalling.
Malory Towers vs. The Chalet School
School stories – especially English school stories – exist in such great numbers that you could probably read nothing else all your life and still not run out of options. Nevertheless, there were two that were at the core of my growing up and they were so very different that I feel compelled to compare. There were, of course, Enid Blyton’s “Malory Towers” (perhaps the most popular of all English school stories from the era) and Elinor M. Brent-Dyer’s “The Chalet School”.
The basic premise is a little different for each. ‘Malory Towers’ sees a young girl going off to a famous and established boarding school in the south-west of England for the first time and details her exploits there, whilst ‘The Chalet School’ sees a young woman take her sickly little sister to Austria to found a girls’ school of her own high up in the mountains. As such, ‘Chalet’ has a very different approach to schooling and structure than the more conventional ‘Towers’.
Datedness of Language
Malory Towers: 3/10 – minor uses of dated slang (e.g. “buck up”, “wizard”, “frightfully pi”) but nothing untoward
The Chalet School: 4/10 – more frequent uses of slang (e.g. “topping”, “golloptious”, “ripping”) in ways that might put the modern reader off slightly but won’t hinder their understanding
Datedness of Portrayal of Femininity
Malory Towers: 5/10 – high expectation for a certain standard of femininity to be conformed to and an expectation for demure clothes, properly kept hair, etc. HOWEVER lots of games and the expectation that many of the girls will go on to have successful careers in journalism, nursing or teaching
The Chalet School: 7/10 – huge amounts of assumption put towards women marrying and taking care of their homes, including the original headmistress leaving to do precisely this and any character who expresses alternative views soon being pushed to change her mind HOWEVER many of the girls do go on to higher education, are permitted to wear breeches, often climb mountains and sail boats and are rarely denied the wilder adventures available
Datedness of International Relations
Malory Towers: 5/10 – while not often mentioned, there is a jovial colonial sort of patriotism to it all that can be expected for girls raised in Britain’s imperial days and Americans are all cordially detested. Aside from that, there is no indication that any other countries exist, apart from France where everybody is apparently emotional and melodramatic.
The Chalet School: 3/10 – while some of the colonial aspects remain, the fact that it is an international school ends up showing a great deal of respect towards the variety of students from across Europe, the absolute condemnation of anyone who would look down on those who are not English and a reluctant acceptance of Americans. Later in the series, students arrive from as far afield as Kenya.
Spitefulness
Malory Towers: 7/10 – the girls are frequently cruel, petty and use public humiliation as a means to force other girls to conform, though this does decrease slightly as the books go on
The Chalet School: 3/10 – a few girls show spitefulness at times but these are usually plot points to be dealt with and the general ethos of the school is towards sisterhood, friendship and understanding
Quality of Characters
Malory Towers: 7/10 – though some of the characters are very simplistic, there is depth and development there that is easy to appreciate as the series goes on
The Chalet School: 6/10 – though many characters are interesting, complex and very varied in their personalities, there is a certain chaos when it comes to which characters actually feature in the stories, with those who lead one plot arc vanishing from the narrative for the latter part of a book, which can be somewhat confusing
Moral Value
Malory Towers: 6/10 – emphasis placed on duty, responsibility and hard work as well as honesty and self-control HOWEVER a huge push towards rigid conformity and a tendency to accept petty and judgemental behaviour, or even encourage it
The Chalet School: 8/10 – though sometimes dated, the emphasis is always placed on kindness, courage and responsibility, with a side-line in thinking of others before oneself. There are also a great many subplots concerning compassion and empathy, and the importance of those in a position of privilege (e.g. moderately wealthy girls in a prestigious boarding school) to help those who are not so privileged (e.g. impoverished locals and the suffering people at the nearby sanatorium).
Plot Structure
Malory Towers: 9/10 – though not dynamic or innovative, the structure of each book is straightforward and easy to follow with multiple subplots running through it and the series as a whole ties neatly together
The Chalet School: 4/10 – the plots are in chaos, with subplots appearing and disappearing at will, little consistency in which characters are taking centre stage and a tendency for incidents to just appear out of nowhere without even the barest hint of foreshadowing HOWEVER this can be overlooked quite easily so long as one knows not to get too deeply invested in anyone except perhaps young Joey Bettany and the Robin
Moments of Dramatic Tension
Malory Towers: 7/10 – for a school series, such dramatic incidents as Mary-Lou’s fall from a cliff, the incident with Amanda in the sea and so on are more than adequate
The Chalet School: 9/10 – the only fault here may perhaps be that some are too dramatic, with the mountainous environment providing the school with no end of lost or kidnapped students, blizzards, floods, buildings being struck by lightning and characters nearly dying of pneumonia
School Pranks
Malory Towers: 8/10 – often simple, but with one reliably occurring every term, pranks such as the deaf trick through to the magnet-and-hairpin trick are delightfully enjoyable
The Chalet School: 7/10 – though pranks are numerous and often creative, there is a tendency as the series progresses for students to repeat against one another tricks that have already been played before and none are presented in as much charming detail as those of ‘Towers’
Desire to Attend the School
Malory Towers: 7/10 – the buildings are beautiful, the days full of excitement, the surrounding countryside enchanting and the values mostly admirable HOWEVER the atmosphere could be deemed stifling in its rigid conformity and one single standard of achievement
The Chalet School: 9/10 – the surrounding lake and mountains are enchanting, the fiercely loyal sisterhood of the girls is appealing, their extracurricular activities busy and interesting and their relationship with the locals charming HOWEVER the chaos and untidiness of life at the Chalet would be impossible to live with
By my calculations, this gives Malory Towers a final score of 17 and The Chalet School a final score of 26, though what conclusions you draw from that, I have no idea.
Okay, does anyone around here remember a children’s book with a magical school teacher? And the school got its first computer and the magical wizard teacher didn’t know how to work it and accidentally magicked all his students inside the internet? So they wandered about in this weird geographical personification of the internet? And it turned out that “world wide web” was literal and the whole thing was run by this giant evil spider lady?
I need somebody else to remember this for two reasons. 1) because otherwise I might have made this up and that would be weird and 2) because I NEED to know how the damn thing ended! Was Spider Lady ever defeated? How? How did they get out of the internet? What happened here??!
remember the Son of Neptune book where Hazel describe Percy and he was so RIDICULOUSLY powerful and beautiful and terrifying she thought he was god and my son is honestly so strong and must be a horrific enemy and a force to be feared
…but we forget because we know his inner dialogue is 50% “fuck fuck fuck AHHHHHHHHH well shit” and the other 50% is “I have no idea what’s going on but let’s just roll with it and hope I survive”
And honestly Percy Jackson is 10/10 the most relatable fake adult millennial to ever bluff his way through life. A true icon. The hero our generation deserves.
A Jane Austen Analysis of Self-Proclaimed “Nice Guys”
They look around them and see that most girls are dating Mr Darcy or Mr Wickham. They cannot tell the difference between the two. Either way, they wish to explain to the poor dear lady what a dreadful mistake she is making.
They consider themselves to be Mr Bingley: all good manners, amiability and charm. They are unable to see that they are Mr Collins: self-important, oblivious, insulting.
All “Nice Guys” should be made to read the section of “Pride and Prejudice” where Mr Collins proposes to and is rejected by Elizabeth. It may be an eye-opening experience for some of them.
the funniest thing about kkc is that the chandrian are kinda comparable to modern day cryptids. most don’t believe in them, then there are probably some who are like “the chandrian are real and they tried to eat my ass”
no wonder kvothe doesnt want to tell anybody what happened. poor dude is out there like someone who’s parents got killed by the actual bigfoot.
I am plagued by Mr Collinses who think they are Mr Bingleys.
Writing Female Characters
I’m not sure I can write this without coming across super patronising but whatever. I’ve had a few guys ask me how to write women and, though I’m hardly the expert, I thought I’d write a basic outline.
- Remember to use your female characters as more than just a plot device. It’s easy for a love interest to be nothing more than that, with no character or life beyond their relationship with the protagonist. (This is totally something that many writers are capable of doing, gender aside, by the way). This makes for a weaker character and tends to annoy people. Try giving them hints of a personality or existence beyond their connection to the protagonist. What do they do when he’s not around, for example?
- Don’t over-sexualise your characters. They can be sexy if you want. Sexy is great. But if a woman is coming across as sexy and seductive 24/7 in real life, it’s a performance. Trust me. If you want your sexy woman to be more realistic, give her a few slips in that façade. Show her tired and mortal as well. It gives the character depth.
- When describing female characters, don’t be too vague. All too often you get women (love interests in particular) described in such terms as “she could have been anywhere between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five” and “she was unconventionally beautiful” with no further elaboration. There is nobody in the world who could be anywhere between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five. That is far too wide a margin. Equally, “unconventionally beautiful” doesn’t mean anything at all. I’m not saying go the other way and describe every aspect of her in creepy detail. Just make it sound as though you actually know what she looks like.
- Don’t focus too much on breasts. This gets mocked so often that I am constantly surprised when men continue to do it. If you’re writing in first person and your protagonist is really into breasts, you can get away with it. Some of the readership will be alienated but, sure, narrative voice and stuff. But if you’re writing in third person and you are going on and on about her breasts…enough. Real women do not think about their breasts that much. They just don’t.
- Do brush up a little on basic anatomy. This applies mostly to sex scenes, but some other stuff as well. If you’re writing about the female body, make sure you know how it actually works.
- What does your character want? Don’t just settle for “true love and a career”. Think deeper than that, like you would for anyone else. Why do they want these things? What kind of career? What are they hoping to get out of them?
- Don’t fall into the trap of writing a woman the way you’ve read about women. By this I mean, if you’ve read a lot of female characters written by men (or seen them in movies) you can get a certain idea into your head of how they can and should be written. This is a trap. When you’re writing a woman, don’t think about other characters in books but think about the women you know in real life. How do they think? How would they react?
- Ask real women about aspects of the female experience. If you want to check a woman’s perspective on something before you write about it, ask one. Ask a sister, or friend, or girlfriend. Even ask your mother. They’re not a spokesperson for all women but they might give you a few pointers when it comes to what it is like being a woman in certain situations.
- Contrary to what a lot of media will tell you, most women have female friends. They can be cattish and competitive, of course, but that’s actually a minority. Don’t fall into the trap of making your female character despise all other women, or hate any other woman who enters their circle automatically. If you are going to have your female character be that insecure, jealous or plain mean, think about why. What in their backstory caused them to feel that way about other women? Give them a reason.
- Make their insecurities realistic. If you have an insecure woman, it’s tempting just to write about how she “doesn’t know how beautiful she is” and feels embarrassed by the size of her breasts or whatever it’s going to be. That is common in a teenager but most adult women don’t worry about that so much. Try to come up with something more interesting for them to worry about.
- Don’t overthink it. At the end of the day, there isn’t very much difference between a female and a male character. Don’t get so caught up on the idea of writing about a woman that you forget to write about a person. If you really can’t figure it out, try imagining them as male and see how you would write them then. Most of the time, there really won’t be any great difference between the two.
Just a few pointers. Feel free to add more.
Iconic Cat Royal Moments
Cat Royal is the ragged queen of my childhood and I haven’t ever found anybody else who appreciates her so I thought I’d share some of her finest moments.
- When she grabbed a broom and fought a sword-wielding maniac
- When she swore enough to stop a lynch mob in its tracks
- When she marched blindfold across a narrow bridge five stories up without even hesitating
- When she drunkenly got a tattoo in Bermuda
- When she danced at the Paris Opera and escaped in a laundry basket. I mean, wow. Do you know how hard it is to get into the Paris Opera?
- When she rode on horseback right into a crowded ballroom whilst dressed as a Native American (complete with weapons)...
- ...and then proceeded to let her horse eat the potted plants whilst she danced with the most eligible young man in the room
- When she saved a duchess with an impromptu concert. Inspired!
- When she persuaded a pirate captain to offer her tea instead of killing her
- “You revolutionaries can only bear so much change, can’t you? It’s skin deep - literally! If it’s an African or Indian - or, heaven forbid, a woman who wants her equality, then you start to panic!” Yes, girl! You tell him!
- When she threw herself off a waterfall to save her adoptive family
- When she spent a vicious gang fight chilling in the corner with the musicians
- When she disguised herself as a Cambridge student and turned cartwheels across the forbidden lawn. What a rebel.
- When somebody told her to steal the crown jewels so she did.
- When she crossed miles of vicious terrain in the middle of a bloody revolution just to check her friend was happy
- “I’m going up in the world.” “He means from louse to cockroach.” You keep on insulting violent killers, Cat! You tell them how it is!
- When she was given a slave as a gift so the two of them sat and burned the girl’s deeds of ownership together because no piece of paper can ever tell you who you are or who you belong to.
- When a schoolteacher didn’t believe she could read and write and told her to try writing “The cat sat on the mat.” on the blackboard so our little Cat wrote it in English, French, Italian and Latin just to prove her point. That is a very intellectual kind of sassiness.
- When she screamed “To hell with you!” at the highest gentlemen in the land before trashing their private club. Smash the patriarchy! Literally!
- And, of course, never forget when our little badass fainted at the sight of a wasp.
Kendrick sighed with anticipation, and blushed, for he had just remembered that the prelude of Rosenkavalier was supposed to depict, in music, the act of love. Was this something he should explain–but very delicately of course–to Ellen? She listened so nicely when he told her things, her head on one side, her lids drooping a little over her gentle eyes. Sometimes he felt that that was what he had been born for–explaining things to the girl he loved so much.
Eva Ibbotson, being gently, unrelentingly savage about mansplaining in a 1997 romance novel (via unfavorableinstigation)
Summing up my entire existence.