Which way is up?

Trying to slowly work out which way is the general direction of up.

[sisterofiris]

Hey students, here’s a pro tip: do not write an email to your prof while you’re seriously sick.

Signed, a person who somehow came up with “dear hello, I am sick and not sure if I’ll be alive to come tomorrow and I’m sorry, best slutantions, [name]”.

[yay855]

I mean, if someone wrote that to me, I’d probably believe they were sick.

[rox-and-prose]

“Slutantions” has me crying laughing

[watermite]

i once emailed my professor with a migraine. a mistake.

“I amsick will not to choir because i have a heache. i Hope its very and i am so sorry

love,

blue”

the subject line was “OW”

[xakumi]

THE SUBJECT LINE IS THE BEST PART JSJFJSJDJS JUST IMAGINE GETTING AN EMAIL WITH NO CONTEXT OTHER THAN “OW”

[themodernsouthernpolytheist]

As someone who has taught college, please send those emails because 1) We WILL believe that; no one would write that on purpose and 2) we need a laugh sometimes.

[asortoflight]

On the other side of this, once after getting taken to the ER by ambulance, I got an email from the professor whose class I’d passed out in, and the message had no text, just the subject line “you good?”

[whisky-gerblin]

Reblogging for the last addition

[badgraph1csghost]

Claritin makes me weird, but I have allergies so there’s about a month and a half block of time where I’m taking Claritin and am just weird most of the time.

Anyway, my last year of college, I got the flu or something in late March and was also taking Mucinex. I told my professor I couldn’t come to class one day by email except I couldnt think of what to say, so my medicated ass decided to make a Fry meme. I think it said something like “Not sure if I can go to class with a head the size of Texas, bottom text.” I didn’t think until the next day that it probably wasn’t socially-acceptable to tell your philosophy professor you weren’t coming to class via Tumblr style memes. When i got back to class, i found that she’d printed it out and taped it to the classroom bulletin board.

[badgraph1csghost]

Oh shit you guys i turned on my WinXP laptop that I used to use back then.

IT WAS ON THE DESKTOP. THIS IS WHAT I SENT.

It’s even worse than i remember it

[omnicat]

I laugh myself hoarse every time this post comes around, so here it is again.

[whicheverwayup]

One of my uni lecturers got so concerned about me one time he followed me on Twitter just to DM me to check if I was alive.

[whicheverwayup]

Just excuse me while I have a mental breakdown in my front yard.

[memeclassheroes]

[whicheverwayup]

@ithoughteventheboneswoulddo

[bae-guevara]

I fully believe the queen is dead and they just don’t wanna deal with a funeral before Christmas so they’re keeping her on ice (aka life support) till spring.

apparently the entire country has to do a 12 day long mourning and the BBC is legally banned from putting on any comedy show during that week AND they have to shut down the London stock exchange for one whole day... now I'm not saying they're weekends at Bernie's-ing that colonizer to keep the stock exchange open, but....

[chillgamesh-the-swing]

I think you're right

[arabellacrowe-deactivated202302]

[domina-honoribila]

For the curious, this chap is processing flax, then spinning it into cordage, then twisting those cords into rope.

[nankingdecade]

What I mean when I say "toxic monogamy culture"

the normalization of jealousy as an indicator of love

the idea that a sufficiently intense love is enough to overcome any practical incompatibilities

the idea that you should meet your partner’s every need, and if you don’t, you’re either inadequate or they’re too needy

the idea that a sufficiently intense love should cause you to cease to be attracted to anyone else

the idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity

the idea that marriage and children are the only valid teleological justifications for being committed to a relationship

the idea that your insecurities are always your partner’s responsibility to tip-toe around and never your responsibility to work on

the idea that your value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on you, and it is in zero-sum competition with everything else they value in life

the idea that being of value to a partner should always make up a large chunk of how you value yourself

[chien-espagnol]

This is excellent

[even-the-losers]

I’m literally gonna reblog this on every single tumblr I have

[cloversnotes]

This is my first coding assignment for my software engineering class that started today. It’s going to be a really good semester.

[cloversnotes]

UPDATE: I got my grade back and

“100″

[cloversnotes]

Since this post has gotten some attention, I feel like it’s worth mentioning that this was just the first half of the assignment.

The second half, which we weren’t made aware of until the day we were meant to turn this one in, was to trade USB drives with the person sitting next to us and MODIFY their “unreadable” code without getting any help from them.

This was to teach us two things:

1) In this field, you’ll spend more time working with code written by other people than you will writing original code from a blank slate. The people who wrote the original code will probably not be around to help you. Learning to read code is IMPORTANT, even if it seems unreadable.

2) There is a strong brotherhood/sisterhood among programmers and software engineers. Respect that bond when you’re writing code and documentation. In my professor’s words: “When you write code, pretend that the person who will have to maintain it after you’re gone is a homicidal maniac who knows where you live.”

This class and professor are incredible.

[phantomrose96]

I respect poetry so much because it does what I cannot do - say so much with so little.

When I have something Much to say, it takes me just as many words to say it. I say it with words that are each of them bland and common, unimaginative by their lonesome, with the hopes that if I stack so many together and squeeze a single drop of Much from each that it might flow into something meaningful.

When I have something to say, I say it twice. I say it three times. Because the first or second may not have captured the point. Because I do not trust myself to express the full essence saying it just once. Like just now, those last two sentences. I’ll repeat myself a third time for good measure - because I do not say it right just once or twice.

Poems say things in only a half, only a quarter. They choose single words worth more than ten of mine. I want to know how their minds shop for words. I want to distill myself like poets do. I want to trade in all my too many common words for the way they use an extraordinary few.

If I keep writing this, I’ll write it forever. I’ll explain myself again, as I have already, as I’m doing now. With more and different other words, with the hope of saying myself fully, like how all the hatched and messy wanton scribbles from a pen might finally color in a page. I want to change that. I want to not rip the page I’ve oversaturated by the tip of my pen.

I’ll start tomorrow, maybe, to explain myself less.

[shirecorn]

[phantomrose96]

O h...

[memewhore]

[peppermintquartz]

the eye was removed ... in 2019

[jcalvinist]

[waywardmarbles]

An Emu that walked up to me yesterday along the Poudre river… anyone know if animal control caught it?

r/FortCollins - An Emu that walked up to me yesterday along the Poudre river… anyone know if animal control caught it?

0 votes and 1 comment so far on Reddit

@gallusrostromegalus you seem fairly likely to know if there's any big bird farms along the Poudre?

[gallusrostromegalus]

MOTHERFUCKER

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT FUCKING HOUSE THAT EMU CAME FROM.

I THINK I KNOW THAT EXACT BIRD.

Hang on, I'm gonna leave Animal Control a message if they haven't rounded it up yet and then I'll explain.

[gallusrostromegalus]

OK north of Foco there's a large system of resivors around the Poudre River, and my parents live in a neighborhood around one. On the other side of the resivor, there's a guy who keeps "Pet" Emus. Now, his property backs up to the water, and Emus are not keen on swimming so as long as the water levels stayed high, the birds would stay in their yard.

Except.

It's a RESIVOR.

THAT THING THEY DRAIN WATER OUT OF.

So for a few years there every late summer the city would draw down the water, and the Emus would go "ooh! beach!" and they would go have an amble around the beach and peek in the neighbor's windows and generally terrorize everyone who was not ready to have a 6' dinosaur in thier vicinity.

I know this because when I was still living with my parents, My Dog and I were stalked by one for the better part of a week before they caught him.

So, apparently emus don't live much over a decade, and this was about 15 years ago now, so it's probably not the same bird but likely one of his offspring, but one morning I woke up from a weird scratching and bonking noise outside my bedroom window, thought the squirrels were having particularly Robust Intercourse outside, and rolled over to see an Emu looking in my window.

My bedroom was on the second floor.

Now, part of the roof is less than three feet from the ground which is how I guess he got up there, but now he couldn't work out how to get back down, and had taken to pecking at random bits of roof and window in hopes a solution might present itself. The dog we had at the time was Cody, a 90lb German Shepherd with a personality made entirely of Mashmallow Fluff. He was the sweetest of boys. Ceritifed Therapy Dog. Scared of Mice. Slept on my feet every night.

I recall rolling over, seeing the bird, thinking 'Man, I really hope this is one of those really vivid dreams because this would suck in real life' rolling back over, and seeing Cody on my other side, attempting to hide behind me, crying.

"Aw fuck."

So I go wake up my parents in the next room.

"Hey mom. There's an emu on the roof."

"...What?'

I pointed out the window in my parents room, where the Emu had helpfully followed me. Mom sat up, looked at the Emu, rolled over and asked Dad what the number for animal control was.

It took them

THREE HOURS

to get the Emu off the roof and Honestly I Do Not Blame The Bird, becuase that's a long way to the ground when you are six feet tall and have a brain the size of a peanut, and all Animal Control sent over was two High School Interns with Brooms. Eventually, he more or less fell off the short end, and immediately did a runner out of the yard and down the street, presumably homeward bound.

The next morning, I wake up.

Guess what is outside.

This time, Mom decides she's perfectly capable of hitting things with a broom until they fall off the roof by herself, and the emu is sent sprinting away in much shorter order.

Day after that he's not on the roof but instead in the garage. On top of the car. Stop Climbing things. We name him Jerry, because he feels like a Jerry.

He does not return the day after that.

Foolishly, we are relieved

NEXT MORNING, JERRY IS KICKING AT THE BACK DOOR, INDICATING HE WANTS TO BE LET IN.

Cody is in hysterics. He is a gentle creature, full of love, and desn't like it when there are mice in the house, or the rabbits fight in the yard. This massive, home-invading dinosaur is too much for him. Measures must be taken.

The Neighborhood website has been abuzz with Jerry sightings, and by now everyone knows to which address he must be returned. Also, that the guy has not put up a fence and jerry will be back again tomorrow.

Jerry is currently in the back yard. I am tasked with preventing Cody from having a total nervous breakdown while my parents chase him around the yard with brooms and a rake, until they herd him into the back of the minivan. Mom comes out with a bowl of peas (google indicated it was ok as a treat) and a piece of paper.

YOUR BIRD WILL BE RETURNED WHEN YOU POST PROOF OF A REAR FENCE

it read, in 72-point font, and she propped it in front of him where he sat, Dad taking pics while mom tossed him peas until they got one where he looked suitably bewildered, and posted it anonymously to the neighborhood website.

I assume he started building the fence when Jerry first went missing, but part of me also believes he installed a 10-high (to account for water level changes and the slope of his yard) 300ft long chain-link fence in less than three hours while Mom drove Jerry around to every vet clinic in the city to see if SOMEONE would hang onto him. I was tasked with sitting in the passenger seat with a broom and making sure Jerry stayed in the back. Which he did, actually. he sat very politely and looked out the windows the whole time, having a grand adventure.

He was returned to the house and the owner given an extremely loud and public lecture in the front yard about the responsibilities of animal husbandry and How Resivors Work.

I can only assume that the fense has fallen down and that the Son Of Jerry is having an even grander adventure.

This video was taken on 9/26/21 in the McMurry Natural Area for those of you in FoCo, so until we can confirm capture, stay out of the area, esp if you have dogs. Emus can kick hard enough to kill humans and animals.

[the-truth-shall-make-ye-fret]

Was kind of expecting this to be irrelevant by now but

[promethiae]

The only one I disagree with is the luggage. The luggage is wreaking absolute havok, as it doesn't have an immune system. Or lungs. And it's *bored*

[xiranjayzhao]

Guess what, y’all? I’M OFFICIALLY AN AUTHOR NOW!! My book Iron Widow has been published by Penguin Random House. It’s a sci-fi reimagining of China’s only female emperor, featuring giant mechas inspired by Chinese myth creatures and an M/M/F love triangle that resolves in ✨polyamory ✨. You can get it pretty much anywhere books are sold, though I recommend buying it from your local indie bookstore if you can. If you’re in the UK/Australia/New Zealand, it comes out on Oct 7 instead!

An audiobook is also available! (Get it from Libro.fm because they support indies!)

Translations into French, Italian, Spanish, German, Russian, and Portuguese are to come.

(PS. I’m dressed as a huadan, a type of character in Peking opera traditionally played by men. If you enjoy that kind of demolishment of gender roles, Iron Widow has plenty!)

[charlesoberonn]

[spyderqueen]

#this is how vampire siring works

[mamalaw1021]

@thebibliosphere ^^^

[thebibliosphere]

I hurt far too much right now to be laughing this hard.

[depsidase]

[thickness-protection-program]

Don’t say NOTHING just reblog and go

[vnjn]

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

something about the wave of Alfred Molina thirst makes me think of that "Everyone is Beautiful and No One is Horny" essay. shan't elaborate right now but give me a moment.

[pcklesthings]

I'm sorry, the what essay?

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

so glad you asked

it was this article, "We All Simp for Alfred Molina" by Chingy Nea, that made me think of it, particularly this paragraph that one assumes the Nea must have composed whilst drooling like a cartoon wolf:

But gravity isn’t all Molina brings to the role [of Doc Ock]; he carries with him a stunning degree of raw sexual magnetism. As a larger man, Molina really carries his massive appendages, moves deliberately with a menacing cool and delivers one-liners in a sultry arch tone. The physicality of the role also plays into it with Octavius in an open trench coat with his titties out and with a bit of his paunch hanging over the metal tentacle corset around his waist, letting us really take in the beauty of his body.

it's Nea's appreciation for Molina's physicality, specifically the fond attention drawn to his visible paunch, that made me think of R.S. Benedict's essay "Everyone Is Beautiful and No One Is Horny." it's a good read but also a long one, so I'll summarize: Benedict posits that current standards of American attractiveness stem from post-9/11 anxiety - "When a nation feels threatened, it gets swole," she writes - and has created a national mentality of bodies as commodities to be honed to perfection without indulging in any of the pleasure a body can bring, a vessel disjointed from any sense of self and meant only to be looked at with awe.

she opens particularly by noting the very particular brand of sexless-ness that pervades mainstream media, leading to action heroes whose beautiful faces and implausibly sculpted muscles are attractive in theory but also seem to exist in a world apart from anything like genuine sensuality. their bodies are inhuman in their perfection, and this comes at the cost of doing anything as human as fucking. to quote:

In the films of the Eighties and Nineties, leading actors were good looking, yes, but still human. Kurt Russel’s Snake Plissken was a hunk, but in shirtless scenes his abs have no definition. Bruce Willis was handsome, but he’s more muscular now than he was in the Nineties, when he was routinely branded a bona fide sex symbol. And when Isabella Rosselini strips in Blue Velvet, her skin is pale and her body is soft. She looks vulnerable and real.

Benedict mostly speculates about the neutered nature of DC and Marvel's movie characters, but they're hardly the only blockbusters falling into this trend. Alison Wilmore's "Why Doesn't The Rock Get to Make Out More Onscreen?" calls attention to this with a particular focus on Disney's new Jungle Cruise movie, describing Dwayne Johnson and Emily Blunt's roles as "characters who are to Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn in The African Queen as Funko Pops are to people," with their inevitable kiss playing out "as though they’re dolls whose heads are being smashed together by a child enacting a rudimentary idea of passion."

similarly to Benedict's point, Wilmore notes that "There’s a striking divide between the body that Johnson is so famous for and the characters who are supposed to inhabit it... his characters rarely if ever seem to take pleasure in this physicality beyond its capacity to intimidate and serve as a spectacle."

and by now you're probably saying okay Makenzie that's swell, but what the fuck does this have to do with people thirsting over Alfred Molina? well, look at him.

take in the tits and paunch Nea loves so much, and compare Molina's body with the kind that have dominated the biggest movies of the last decade or so, since the MCU set the tone for the future of the superhero genre. Quoth Benedict again:

Actors are more physically perfect than ever: impossibly lean, shockingly muscular, with magnificently coiffed hair, high cheekbones, impeccable surgical enhancements, and flawless skin, all displayed in form-fitting superhero costumes with the obligatory shirtless scene thrown in to show off shredded abs and rippling pecs. And this isn’t just the lead and the love interest: supporting characters look this way too, and even villains (frequently clad in monstrous makeup) are still played by conventionally attractive performers. Even background extras are good-looking, or at least inoffensively bland.

Molina's Doc Ock isn't bland; he has character in the form of features that are, increasingly, written off as too ugly or undesirable for film. I think the reason people may be reacting so strongly to him nearly two decades after the movie's release is that a pretty-normal looking body has now become a spectacle unto itself, by virtue of being so normal.

the current crop of superhero stars are exercised, waxed, dieted, dehydrated, and quite probably steroided into something the average person could never achieve on their own, a body that's fun to look at but is ultimately alien to anything most people will ever experience. whereas what we're looking at with Alfred Molina's Doc Ock is something like a body that many people actually have, a body that many people have known and loved, a body that, frankly, many people have had sex with - certainly more than have ever had sex with, say, Chris Evans' Steve Rogers all hairless and shiny fresh out of getting shot up with super soldier serum.

it's a sexy body because it's a palpably human body, in a genre that increasingly shuns exactly that.

plus, you know, those are just some nice tits.

[oodnessharpiesandfireflies]

Both of these articles are worth a read, but this post sums them both up pretty nicely.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

got my first positive review lads :)

[colubrina]

[deviousthinkers]

yes please.  this would be a great day for this to come true

[jackironsides]

When I was a kid, I couldn’t imagine how ‘May you live in interesting times’ could be a curse. But now I would so love to not have a year’s worth of news happen every week. PLEASE.

[tygermama]

likes to charge, reblog to cast

[ariminiria]

I can't believe staff deleted all of their initial @/postplus blog posts and just pretended that the survey and the encouragement-of-illegal-fanfic-monetization backlash never happened. As if they don't know how their own site works?? As if those now-deleted posts aren't still floating around in 100,000 different reblog chains and even more mocking screenshots?? As if we, the gremlin userbase of this hellsite would ever forget how they initially approached the whole mess???

[mnemonicpneumaticknife]

They build castles in the sand and ask the sea to pay rent

[pigeonriot]

this reply is so fucking raw