My Spiritual Journey @whiteashyssop-blog - Tumblr Blog

Not quite mind over matter

It’s crazy to think that it’s 3 months into the new year already and nearly 7 or so months since I’ve updated this blog. Since then, I’ve been very fortunate to have the luxury to take some time off. Some of that time spent meeting new people, trying out new hobbies, catching up with some old friends and family. But the vast majority of it was spent mostly in isolation. Some times by choice, and other times due to the reality that people my age are just busy with work/school during the day.

You would think having all this time would allow me to essentially work through everything, compartmentalizing events and identifying emotions and behaviors. That’s partially true. Having the time did give me the opportunity to take my time and walk deep into the recesses of my mind and reach deep within for my identity. But isolation for too long can drive someone mad, which is especially more dangerous for someone who suffers from depression like me.

I met up with couple over a drink the other day, and we talked at great length about what it’s like being clinically depressed. I made her describe what it felt like for her, expecting to hear the same sob story of “that one time when I felt depressed when such-n-such happened” I hear all the time from friends trying to cheer me up. But she didn’t say that. She described it simply…. “feeling heavy.” She didn’t use the word “sad.” I could tell she was struggling to string descriptive words together to justify it’s simplicity but I stopped her and essentially complete her sentences. And for the first time in a long time, I connected with someone on that level again. The level of saying “You’re a human. I’m a human. Life happens. We trekked the same path, and I respect you for it.”

We talked a little more, swapping personal experiences, while her bf and childhood friend of mine silently listened to both of us supportively. Situations like being really excited planning some social event but when the day comes feeling the compulsion to come up with some bull-shit excuse not to go, knowing very well that we’ll feel better if we go. Or the feeling described by Sarah Silverman as “feeling homesick while you’re at home.” Hearing all this confirmed something to me that I had been dancing around trying to put my finger on. That this has been going on in my personal life for a long time, disguised and plaguing my relationships both romantic and plutonic, buzzkilling my yearning for adventure, and creating this reflex of withdrawal. I thought it was introversion….NO this was depression knocking on my door every time. Every illogical anxiety. Every people-pleasing tendency. Every time I flaked on a party. Every morning I felt immobilized in bed. Every episode of having an inferiority complex. Every time I empathize with someone’s pain, drawing me to find comfort and validation in broken people. Stunting my maturity as a man.

I can’t tell if it’s the stem of the problem or the manifestation. But I’ve got it labeled now. It being labeled didn’t stop my behaviors though. This morning I flaked on that same couple with the excuse of packing for my move, which is weird because of all people she would understand. But no, I lied…I didn’t need to and I didn’t want to. I just did it for no damn reason. Some people ask me if depression is something people have and should experience in order to understand people better. FUCK NO! I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Every decision feels like it requires me to be at 100% effort. How humiliating that I need to have maximum effort to do something as simple as taking a shower or eating.

I do know that I can’t do this alone, and I need to keep taking my meds. My spiritual walk has been like wandering in the wilderness for 40 years, and I really need to stop avoiding people at LiDE. I’m not the most emotionally intelligent but I’ve been trying to identify what I’m feeling which is a gambit of anger, loneliness, regret, and determination. The numbness has finally worn off and I feel everything. What got me back on my meds is when I couldn’t stop thinking about dying. My mind actually began to justify why my friend committed suicide. I cried when I admitted to myself. I’m done with the lone-wolf mentality.

God, please show me the way. I never doubted You not being there for me, but I can’t let go. Give me the strength to take action. Please surround me with support. Give me the wisdom to know with whom to connect with and what areas you want me to grow in. Fill me with the Holy Spirit and break down any barriers I put up against You. Amen

Your son

Rediscovering my identity

Sometimes Life has to kick your ass before you truly experience God’s grace. Everyone has a crisis point. I experienced mine this past year. Yours is probably right now. Maybe it’s time you stopped trying to save yourself and let God save you. - my brother

I decided to take a temporary leave of absence for a week from my clinical rotation. There have just been too many catastrophic events within a short time for me to ignore processing them any further. It’s time I advocated for my mental health. No matter how shameful I feel or how much I want to save face in the eyes of my professional higher ups. No one else will. After all true humility is the cure for shame. And after breaking down, I know that the shame I feel in keeping my silence is much greater than the shame I feel openly admitting my weakness.

I needed the time. Time to process this past 5 year relationship. Time to process the violent suicide of my childhood friend. Time to process the health vulnerability of my parents. Time to rediscover who I am. Time to quiet my mind so I can actually learn to listen to God’s voice.

My mind oscillates between the different stressors throughout the day. Abruptly shifting from violent anger to broken tears at the sight of bittersweet mementos both from the relationship and from my childhood. Things are different now. I’ve been brought to my knees. Stunned by the reality that this is as far as I can go on my own. Now God wants me to finally let go of control of my life. This is the result of a ship manned by a broken man without God.

Surrender has given me comforting peace as if a great burden has been lifted off of me. I’ve started attending a new church now, called Life in Deep Ellum. This might be the church I was looking for. The complimentary styles of the pastoral couple. The young adult demographic. An appealing balance of: nurturing & outreach, experience & scripture, artistic creativity & tradition, and diversity & community. A place I possibly feel at home yet uncomfortable enough to be challenge to be out of myself.

I used to think letting Jesus “be me” would essentially take away my identity in God’s eyes. But I’m starting to see how selfish I am to think that way. This isn’t my story. It’s God’s story. We were created in His image after all for that purpose to begin with. As much as I feel like I am losing my identity, I am actually rediscovering it. Or I should say He is redeeming it. The newest paradox/revelation that still baffles me. Yet as chaotic and volatile as my world feels, I am oddly comforted...hurting badly....but comforted.

I hope you’re doing well

Passion lost

“I’ve lost my desire for helping people and hence I’ve lost my desire to do PT. The weird thing is I know I should love helping people but for some reason I don’t anymore Maybe I’m too depressed with what the world has to offer. Sure, there’s lots of things to be thankful for. To me family sticks out the most. But they won’t be around forever. The world just saps the life out of me. It’s a dog eat dog world in my mind. There are nice stories now and then of people helping other people and the hope of having a world holding hand in hand. That’s not reality is it? We want to believe it, but it’s an ideal and a dream. Something that won’t occur til Kingdom Come. Until then I stare out into the world with hopelessness. All of the blessings in all the world, which makes me only feel worse. So many people work so hard to live as comfortable as I do. Maybe I just don’t have a feeling of purpose. I always thought helping people was my purpose but let’s say I do help people. Am I done? I don’t like abstract goals. As it shows true in my lack of care for healthy eating, exercise, or relationships. I’m even bored if I finish a video game. An existential crisis. Love God; Love others. Why doesn’t this goal excite me as goals should? Why try to be a positive impact on an inevitable black hole of a world? I have no desire to take my own life. But I don’t want to feel as though death will liberate me from this hopelessness” -5:03 PM at UTSW library After I had written this I fell into an hour nap in the library cushioned chair for an hour. I then woke up oriented myself then resumed my autopilot. This is kind of been my cycle of thoughts during this past year. As you can tell, it’s not just school/work-related thoughts. This debilitating pessimism has permeated into my faith as well. It’s hard whenever you may have a mountain top experience, like a mission trip, a spiritual revelation, or a miracle happens, you get thrown back into the societal pattern of the world. If you don’t have a good faith support system around you or isn’t prominently in your sphere of influence, you’re faith and optimism dies without the encouragement or careful pruning by God-fearing friends. Of course, this is expected. Nothing Jesus expected of us comes easy and we’re not meant to do it alone. My counselor and some close friends have been trying to help me combat these thoughts but I’m awfully tired. Maybe I’m just filled with too much self-pity that I gave up on maintaining. I’m awfully tired of having extremes of the spectrum ranging from feeling counter-culturally detached to being extremely sensitive to others’ pain and feeling unable to help them. Haven’t quite figured out why God gave me such sensitivity to understand pain and such little sensitivity to things like joy and enthusiasm. I’ve been looking through some spiritually inspiring articles, videos, and blogs that have either popped up on newsfeeds or nostalgia. From the spiritual wisdom for new grads to a testimony by a Jewish man’s faith story (imetmessiah.com), to even looking at my girlfriend’s old faith blog posts from years and years ago. Each of which have poked my faith a little bit which tells me that it’s still alive somewhere. But it’s crawling on the ground. Weary, doubtful, and blind to heavenly vision. It’s not like I’ve been actively or earnestly seeking. In reality, it’s probably more me running from God. The immediate results of me relying on myself seems more appetizing to me kinda like eating junk food instead of food with nutrients. In both cases, you feel like shit and you know it’s not working but you still try. I just want to feel excited about life and life in Christ again. I always hear God has a plan for droughts like this. But right now I don’t have any perspective. I guess that’s what prayer is for right?

Recollections/Testimony Part 2 - Mission and Jesus Freaks

4th grade This year felt drastically different at CCA. Lee had just graduated so his absence was weird but at least Conrad was still there. My 4th grade teacher’s name was Stephanie Hahn, and she was a caucasian missionary in Syria. I really want to know if her and her husband are still missionaries.

These were the years where she would have set aside times where she would read to us. You know, things like “Tales of the Fourth Grade nothing” series. However, she would also read to us excerpts from this other book called “Jesus Freaks,” which is a compilation of stories of Martyrs for Christ. That’s right I was exposed to the idea of Christian persecution very early. Some stories stuck with me. Mrs. Hahn was very delicate and genuine in how she read them. We would always debrief the story. She would always remind us of the how amazing Jesus is and how even in death and torture God has us in His hand. Even she admitted when she had goosebumps with a story. As terrified as I was of torture, I was strangely encouraged and proud of these martyrs and can only imagine how much more proud God was of them.

Mrs. Hahn had a profound effect on me in many ways than one. Let’s face it, at this stage I was a know-it-all kid and an asshole. I liked attention and getting straight A’s. I was definitely more cut-throat then. So much so that I would make fun of classmates who didn’t know the right answer or who weren’t familiar with some Bible stories. One time I called out this one girl in our class, and Mrs. Hahn pulled me out of the classroom. We stood on the porch outside of our classroom (which were portable buildings). She sternly but gently rebuked my behavior and challenged me to think of others first. “Not everyone has heard of these stories,” she told me. “Be careful of what comes out of your mouth because you can’t take it back once it’s said.” It’s strange how I remember this after 14 years. But it’s definitely stuck with me, and I wonder if that’s where I get my timid and careful wording. That’s where I really got my first real challenge to put others before myself. Being a Christian isn’t about knowing the right answers. The people in “Jesus Freaks” can attest to that.

This was also the year when I experienced death in the family for the first time. On March 25, 2001, my Lolo (grandpa - we called him Lolo Narding) had passed away. It was a Sunday….I remember. We had just gotten home from church and I had fallen asleep in the van. Naturally, I had “sleep-walked” myself from the van to my room. When I woke up, I had realized my parents were gone. I went to the kitchen to see my Lola (grandma), on my dad’s side, sitting at the table with the lights off looking sad. I remember asking her where my parents were, and she said “your lolo narding died” in her grandmotherly way. I didn’t believe her. She must be mistaken and meant something else. So I went back into my room to play some video games. Later that night I heard my dad come back into the kitchen. I greeted him happily as I usually did. “Did Lola tell you yet?” “Tell me what?” “Lolo Narding died, nako…” (Nako was a tagalog word my dad used to call us - I’m not quite sure what it means but I always took it as endearing). I remember becoming really sad and wanting to cry. I walked over to my dad and hugged him.

I understood what death was. I also knew my Lolo was a man of faith. I have no doubt he was in heaven with the Lord. My aunts always let me know that I was his favorite because he always got to babysit me. But I had never felt a loss like this before. Going through stages of denial, hoping to wake up from a bad dream. Even to this day I treasure these memories of building my boy scout pinewood derby car with him, hugging him every time I opened the door after he rang the doorbell, and falling asleep on his lap in the couch hearing his pacemaker-driven heart beat. Death was real and painful to me at this year. It was also one of my greatest excitements of the idea of heaven. I’ll be able to see him again. I can’t wait…14 years and counting is a long time. I’m excited that after this life everyone will be reunited with the people we haven’t seen in a long time. This experience alone was good enough to believe that “heaven is for real.” I don’t need a poorly-made Christian movie to try to tell me that.

2001 was a tough year. This was also the year 9/11 happened but I won’t get into that. I just thought it was interesting because I had just visited the 9/11 memorial for the first time this past weekend. Anyway, I might be getting off track so I’ll stop here for now.

Testimony (part 1) - When I first accepted Jesus

One thing has been coming to the forefront in my mind over and over again: testimony. I haven’t really given mine the right amount of thought. I hope that through this mind dump I will be able to sift through which aspects of my testimony are canned answers I tell unbelievers that make them drown in cheesiness and which are actually reflections of my experience of God. I want to try to recall these things as honestly and unfiltered as I can because if I do filter I may skew what my true emotions and experiences are. Here’s to all my victories and defeats. Let’s go!

Growing up in the United Methodist Church, I learned a lot about the stories in the Bible. Very familiar with Sunday school. I knew that God was important and Someone (more realistic to my mindset: something) I couldn’t see that oversaw everything I did. I really didn’t come to understand the Gospel until I started school at Covenant in 3rd grade.

3rd Grade: I could honestly say that I do remember learning about the Gospel for the first time. It was in Mrs. Scott’s class and we learned about everything that had happened in the Garden. We actually had gone through all of Genesis which is something I haven’t done in a long time. Anyway, I learned about the fall of mankind and how Jesus bridged the gap to unity with God and us again. I can also honestly say that I felt very happy and excited about this good news. That’s why I can still remember this. It really had a profound effect on me. I finally understood the meaning of the praise and worship songs I had learned at Faithumc and CCA. I may say a lot of things about unfavorable things about CCA right now but CCA is very well intended and I can say it has shaped my life in a positive way.

So yeah we went through all of Genesis chronologically, following alongside for the first time: Adam - Noah - Abraham - Isaac - Jacob - Joseph. Seeing the stories unfold before my eyes as if it were an interactive TV show well all of our Bible assignments and role playing. We carried over into parts of Exodus too. One thing about 3rd grade that also sticks out is Latin class. Yeah, we learned Latin and I enjoyed it because I was good at it. Mr. Cabiero (sp?) was our teacher and we watch a movie called “The Robe,” which was a story about how Jesus’s robe as it was given to a Roman general and how the general and his slave fit in with the events of Jesus’s crucifixion (I think I might watch it again). It was cool because of everything we were learning about ancient history about the Greeks and Romans. CCA had a very comprehensive curriculum which I can appreciate even more now.

Prayer for depression

Lord, I want to thank you for the support you have surrounded me with regardless if I am fully aware of it. I earnestly pray that you will lift this depression from me, but if you choose not to, that I may remain faithful to you. Help me to not simply wait for the cloud to be lifted for me to continue my journey but to constantly be leaning on you for strength for today. Open the eyes of my heart that I might be made aware of your presence in the moment, even in these shaded times. Help me to not be discouraged by the state of the world but to be hopeful that the best is still yet to come. Give me confidence in your promises and peel away my self-esteem issues and doubt. Forgive me for the times I will fail and keep me humble during the times of victory. Let me not conform to my usual pattern in mirroring the world, and help me to strive for the righteousness, knowing that you have already done the hard part. Amen

2014 Reflections

I want to remember this year. This has been my most trying year and the year that I feel I have really started to come to grips with myself in who I am and what my tendencies are. As I look back at my previous entries, journals, tumblr posts, and logging of events and ideas, I can see the trials and growth through pain. I’ve never liked writing out every word and lists have always been an easier approach to me, but I feel like it makes my thoughts come out “too clean” and less raw.

My burden. My weight. My cross. It has become a little more apparent to me that my depression can be an issue and limitation to living life. But through this 2015 year I want to use it to my advantage. Through my depression I have found that I have become more sympathetic and empathetic to those around me. I will use that into a strength with those I interact with, intentionally being aware the everyone is fighting a hard battle and may need a helping hand, a listening ear, or voice of reason.

My tears. My failures. My mirror. Having my failures, struggles, and child-like sobs be apparent has cause me to do one of two things: hide in my room or be invincible in my transparency. I am who I am and projecting anything else but my true intentions is a waste of time and energy. I will strive to embrace transparency in a way that I hope will be welcoming of others to approach me and do the same. Praying for wisdom and guidance to not corrupt my intentions with self-praise or security.

My purpose. My resolve. My ambitions. As of this year overall, seemed to be a lack thereof. Days, weeks, months, and maybe years spent flowing about in life planning/waiting for better days to come. I know now that there really is no such thing as living in the present as oppose to living in the past or future. Living in the present is simply a reflection of learning from the past and planning for the future.

My priorities. My values. My promises. Words are cheap. Actions are hard. Yet faith is belief combined with action and trust. I will not promise to “do better” this year, which is more of a reminder to me that promises are cheap too. Rather I will strive to clarify what my values are to myself. My family as a priority has always been obvious. But what is really beyond if I think about it honestly. My running home every we is a reflection of that. My trust. My peace. My calm. Through the trying year, the only thing that has more consistently given me peace of mind through my demons has been the Christian country hymn pandora station and reading the gospel of John. It wasn’t talking to family or friends this year, nor video games or basketball. My personal prayers are empty words if my heart and mind are not in the right place. But somehow those two things gave me peace these past two months.

I’ll need to make a plan of how I want to approach these things this coming year. I’ll probably make that tonight or tomorrow. For now I wanna makes sure I got these things right.

Meditations on scriptures today

Too often we try to label things and fit things to a mold of plan But in reality we must learn to be receptive to the Holy Spirit's guidance and voice. When we are lost or things feel silent that's when our plans and molds become useful. This is why terms like “born again” “Christian” bother me. We're all wrong to some extent and I don't enjoy stressing out over it cause that won't change anything. I guess that's why we have to trust in the person of Jesus, who did get it right, to be our whole being. I do wish I had somebody to hold me accountable to keep growing in my faith everyday. Someone who genuinely cared about their own walk and was just willing to share their thoughts on their own experiences with Jesus

Don't waste your time on jealously, sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself

FEAR & FAITH

Recently, I've been feeling very paranoid and anxious. Anxiety is nothing new, but it drives me crazy when I cannot figure out why. My teeth keep chattering no matter how hot it is outside and my blood pressure's been high. During the long drive to the TPTA conference, I had a lot more time to my thoughts. I was thinking about my confrontation with my neighbor, which got me thinking about my old roommate, Ben, whom I had a falling out with. I don't typically make a lot of enemies, mostly because I'm pretty easy going. But I know that there will be times when people are just unreasonable and not like you. I need to learn to be okay with that.

I think the root of my agnst is fear. Nick Vujicic made an acronym for it: F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real). Fear of being alone. Fear of losing my loved ones. Fear of not achieving my full potential because of laziness. That's probably why I like Batman so much is because he seems to embrace and master his fear into something positive.

On Sunday, Paster Volfe talked about our calling. In more ways than one during the sermon, certain aspects hit home for me. The reason why I don't have motivation is because I have lost sight of my purpose. I used to be excited by the idea of sharing God's love and sharing my experience of Jesus. However, I haven't really thought about it much. I need to take some time to reexamine the journey God has lead me through thus far. I need to remember that all of this stuff I worry about is trivial compared to where I stand with the Lord. God help my unbelief. Please surround me and Kristina with those that will nurture our faith and inspire us every day. Lead us to help others who are less fortunate and to be filled with an unrelenting desire to follow you. Help us to have faith or as Nick terms as Full Assurance In The Heart. Break my fear, Lord. Break my passive tendencies.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭4-7‬ NASB)

Another possible source of my depression

All of my friends have either moved away or are too far to drive to on a regular basis. I used to like loneliness and time to myself but having it day in and day out with no other physical contact than what I have with my patients is just too much. I'm not too good at making new friends more or less growing close to anyone unless we have at least some similar interests. None of my current classmates do. I feel pathetic

My Battle

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Living ONE DAY AT A TIME; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen

This past week was a pretty crazy week. Both with its highs and its lows. The biggest event for me was telling my mother about my “depression.” I put depression in quotes because I’m not clinically diagnosed or anything. Without getting into too much details, she was very supportive of me and handled it the best way a mother could in my opinion. I’m very blessed to have her comfort me the way she did. Later that day my mom told my dad and he brought it up. He was also very supportive but thought about it more from the angle I thought of it. Fatigue. Although I do think some emotional stress might be playing a role, but who really knows.

For a while that gave me a peace to continue the rest of that day of work. Willing to take more risks in my decision-making because I had felt a huge burden had been lifted. I didn’t want them to seem me as a burden either. As the breakthrough moment wore off, I eventually saw the UTSW Student mental health center. This encounter was completely useless in my opinion. The environment felt too sterile and though they were nice, I could feel that they treated everyone else the same way.

What did help was talking to Pastor Job later that night over dinner. Our conversations felt very natural bouncing around from funny stories, to depression, to faith, to our views of heaven, etc. I had never felt more at peace with my situation. It even carried over into the next day. I felt light on my feet as I interacted with each patient, reacting to unexpected situations, talking naturally, and even had some fun banter with the coworkers. When work goes well, I feel good. To cap off the week, I got to spend all of it with Kristina in Dallas. To put everything in a nutshell again, it was another learning experience to let go of the things I cannot change (like broken A/C units and weekend plans going a wry). It was great though. Full of eating amazing food to catching up with some family and friends.

However, now the action is over and I’m starting to feel the next wave about to start. Though I don’t feel as bad as I did last week, I don’t feel nearly 100% either. I don’t know where to conjure up my next source of energy. All I can think of is negative thinking. I don’t like it. But it’s going to take a lot of discipline on my part to fight the negative thoughts with some of the hopeful ones that Wilfred gave me. And this might be very useful to whoever reads this also so it’d be good for me to share it.

Paraphrased: “No matter how good or bad things are going right now, the best is yet to come. Sometimes it’ll be during a later time on this earth but even if it isn’t, the ultimate end is true joy in eternity. This is something to be excited about” I had a hard time fully buying into it because I had no idea what heaven would be like. How could I get excited about something that completely beyond me? He then pointed it out another way by saying “Imagine your happiest memory and heaven is infinitely better than that. THAT is heaven” I guess that is something to look forward to and be excited about. My happiest memories are always with family or with the people that I love. If heaven means that, I can get behind that. Even though anxiety is creeping in my corner, I can muster up some faith for that kind of hope. After all, God’s never let me down before

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surprises all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 4: 6-7

Learning to be okay with the "nothingness" feeling

Usually during the calm before/after the storm I start to feel a little depressed. Not because I just LOVE studying so much (-_____-) but more of just the voidness of activity. My default is usually watching a movie or playing a video game (most of the time it's NBA 2k14). However, my hard drive got wiped so I don't have it on my mac anymore. I have it at home on the PS3 where I log so many hours into it.

Games are fun and I love outsmarting the game and kicking some ass. However, after I'm done playing, the nothingness feeling happens and the only change in my life is that lots of time has passed and all of my responsibilities and assignments are still there. The hard part about being an adult is learning to control yourself and catching yourself when you're stuck in a slump or pattern.

I promised myself that I wouldn't play any game this weekend for a few reasons. 1) to prove that I am capable of mustering willpower to stop a habit 2) to get me to start thinking/praying/self-examining again (hence writing in my blog and journal again) 3) hopefully work on some assignments early so I can actually have a relaxing Sunday. So far that last one isn't looking to good but at least I'm doing well so far working on #1 & 2. Hopefully I don't go insane with emptiness in the meantime

Hope

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

-James 1:2-4

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

-Romans 5:3-5

I just saw X-men: Days of Future Past and it was amazing. The action was good, the story was good, and the message was good. Overall, the message is about hope. And I really liked that. It really fits in with what I feel like I have been struggling with these past few weeks/months. Lack of hope. Or depression. A lot of times I forget that in the end of everything it is Jesus that really gives us hope.

We could have everything in the world (money, family, friends, all the greatest life experiences) and still feel depressed. I think the reason is because deep down we're not really meant to be on this world forever. Yet we are still put on this earth, and I think we're meant to be in this world so that we have the opportunity to be there for each other in our brokenness. After all we're all in the same boat. "We are each angels born with only one wing so the only way we can fly is by embracing each other." It's really a beautiful thing to see/hear how God reaches into people's lives in their lowest low and highest high just to let us know He is there with us.

The greatest hope for me is knowing that the All-Powerful being in the entire universe is the epitome and essence of Love. No matter how much we love our family, friends, significant other, or dog, God's love is greater infinity-fold. The future is so uncertain and scary at times, but I'm tired of trying to figure it all out. I'm ready to trust the One who knows it better than anyone. I'm laying all of my anxiety, all of my guilt, all of my regrets, all of my frustration, all of my fear at Your feet. Please feel us all with hope and peace and help us to lead others to home in Your arms.

Trying to understand my own burdens

My greatest fear is that I will not live up to what I am capable of and all of it due to my inability to act. Stricken with tiredness all the time yearning for rest and energy to go on. Crippling myself with my excessive perfectionist cautious approach to life. What purpose do you have for me, Lord? Will I forever be a bad investment? All I want is to enjoy leisure time and not do anything. Has school worn me out or have I always thought this way? I see myself repeating the same pattern of behaviors I made in high school and less so in college. This is a character flaw I cant seem to shake off but refuse to accept. What a lonely life this will lead to. God, please guide me and show me how you want me, Cullen Capili, to act. I need inspiration. I want something to be excited about. Something to look forward to. I don't want to just “get by” like I did in high school. I want to be comfortable in myself. What does it personally mean for me to be happy in knowing who I am in You. I don't want to be passive anymore, simply at the wills of those around me both good and bad. I don't like the way people look at me and act around me afraid to offend me as if they kicked a puppy. That's why I get flustered when a classmate or blunt friend does say something backhanded toward me; I'm just not used to someone actually willing to dish back what I say to them. It's a healthy change I guess. Regardless, I pray God changes something deep down in me that will put an end to my insecurities and anxiety.

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