How do you make fandom friends?
*sits my bun butt down* LONG POST ALERT. I call this one…
The 7 Horcruxes of Fandom Friendship.
Dear anon, I’m not sure if you’re asking me this seriously or not, but just in case, I will answer it seriously, because I feel this question *hard*. I don’t know if I’m the best person to ask, but?? I’ll try!
A little backstory so you can hear where I’m coming from and maybe some of that will resonate with you:
For those who don’t know me from FFnet, I’ve been a writer in the HP fandom since 2012. I’ve written for other fandoms, but I never got as into them as I did with the HP fandom (harrymort/tomarry, to be specific). I read reviews and replied to them all almost religiously back then, in hopes of starting a conversation with someone or just plain interacting with my reviewers.
Maybe around less than 1% ever replied back to my reply, which is ok, sometimes you just don’t have anything to say, but that was pretty much my only interaction with fandom at the time. I had a grand total of Zero fandom friends, even as my follower count grew and so did my regular reviews per post.
Fast forward a bit to 2013. I’ve received my Ao3 invite, I start posting here. Ao3 has a pretty great comment system (at least leagues ahead of FFnet, for all the flaws it does have), so I get a little more interaction with my readers. I remember names. I have my favorites (shh don’t tell anyone), and it’s a very amiable (though distant) relationship. Still a grand total of Zero fandom friends.
Now we speed up even *further* to 2016. Yeah, that’s right: 2016! From 2012 - 2016, I didn’t have anyone I considered a fandom friend, and I’ll get into that, but first let me introduce you to what happened:
Now, this was all because one of my irl (non-fandom) friends had a tumblr at the time and was always sharing posts with me. It looked fun, and I decided to make my tumblr fandom-based under RenderedReversed.
I make posts, I follow people, I reblog, but mostly it’s just a site where I can update my (few followers) on the progress of my writing, as well as tid bits I don’t want to post on either FFnet or Ao3. Asks? Messages? Very little of those. I’m pretty sure the only one I ever messaged more than once at the time was @strangesoulmates–she’s awesome btw.
THEN came the big changing event: Tomarry Big Bang 2017. I decided to join it with Strange_Soulmates, hoping we could keep each other on track. The Tomarry BB had a group chat vote, and the group chat vote chose Skype.
How To Make Fandom Friends Tip #1: Be brave and join things!
I join that, all excited in hopes that I could go about making friends with other fellow writers! But…
That didn’t really happen.
You see, the thing about wanting to make friends is that you have to actually try and make friends, not just want. You can still freeze up, watch the text scroll by, or maybe just don’t find anyone you click with. You get nervous, you get passive…sometimes it just doesn’t work out.
How To Make Fandom Friends Tip #2: You can’t stop trying!!!!
Well, the Skype group didn’t work for me for a variety of reasons. At the time, a user (@linana101) messaged me asking if I knew about the Tomarry/Harrymort discord group. I was using discord for something else at the time, so I was excited to learn there was a server!! I quickly asked for an invite, and was promptly sent one.
How To Make Fandom Friends Tip #3: Reach out! Talk to people! Send asks to people you admire or like or think are pretty cool, and if they reply, keep the conversation going and reply back. You can test the waters with anon if you like, but I encourage you to ask off-anon if you’re cool with that. Or even shoot them a message later on! It’s a little awkward at first, but I guarantee you that you won’t get bitten by anyone.
I’m very fortunate to have joined the TMR-LV/HP discord group and immediately recognize a familiar name. That person was @whitepinkdandelions, who immediately greeted me and is still one of the sweetest, cutest people I know <3. There was also @swordofatagaris there as well, who is still one of the coolest, awesomest people I know!!!
They were very welcoming, and also, me and Jessie recognized each other as “holy shit you’re the writer of X fic!!!!” and ended up squealing over each other about each other’s works hahaha
How To Make Fandom Friends Tip #4: If you don’t know how to break the ice, talk about the one thing you know you have in common: fandom!!!!
The warm reception encouraged me to stay an active participant of the discord server. I met a lot of new people there, some familiar names and some I had never seen in my entire life. I talked a lot!!! And here’s one of my most important tips….
How To Make Fandom Friends Tip #5: Once you start, don’t focus on making friends. Focus on being yourself, meeting new people, and learning more about them!
Sometimes it’s easy to tunnelvision on goals. Making friends is a very respectable goal (and an important one!) but sometimes it can get put a lot of pressure on how you interact with people. So….forget about all of that! Just be yourself, be openminded, be willing to listen and share in return.
How To Make Fandom Friends Tip #6: Friendship is a two-way street. Actually, it’s more like a ferriswheel–you both get on the ride, and if only one of you is having fun, then it’s not fun for either of you.
One important thing about making and having friends, either in or out of fandom, is respect. You both have to mutually respect each other!!! No ifs, ands, or buts. No one wants to be friends with someone who doesn’t respect their thoughts, their efforts, their likes and dislikes. Once you’re good friends, you’ll know the difference between being offensive and teasing, and that’s a make-or-break-it boundary.
Be kind to people. Be kind to your friends. Have a conversation with them: listen when they talk, give them a thoughtful reply. Share your experiences, listen when they give you a thoughtful reply.
Friendships are still relationships. You put in work and effort (even if it may not feel like it sometimes because you’re having so much fun) and you get a reward out of it: getting to know the other person!
And….if all of that just sounds so theoretical to you, jesus heck rere ok, sure, I can do all of that, but what can I do now, immediately, right now?
How To Make Fandom Friends Tip #7: Shitpost
In the legendary words of @darklordtomarry, the key to friendship is "join a discord and become a shitposter”. While you don’t have to follow all two (2) of those steps, the essence of it is this:
No, really! While “shitposting” may be a little memey of an answer, I really am serious. It embodies a lot of the important stuff: humor, approachability, cameraderie…
Make jokes! Be friendly! Commismerate! Misery loves company, and dark or shitty humor is a very, very good way to let people know what your personality is like. You like spongebob memes? You prefer cats? How about what your FBI agent is like? Jackie Chan? An oldie but a goodie. Office memes are always acceptable.
It’s 2k18, my friend. Memes are a perfectly legitimate way to communicate, and if that’s how you roll, I guarantee you someone else is all about that shitposting life, too.
(Besides, shitposting can easily lead to having inside jokes with your friends–that’s when you know you’ve definitely got a fandom friend: you have inside jokes with them.)
I hope these tips have helped you out a bit! Remember: someone has to take the first step towards friendship, and on the internet, the chances of that happening are very, very low.
So why not increase your odds? Take that first step! The worse thing that can happen is that they never reply to you. Seeing as you can just message another cool person five minutes later (your fandom probably has tons of them), being ignored really isn’t that big of a deal.
