lift your hands towards the sky

Noa Gefril. Thirty-one years old. Rogue. No, this is not my home. I don't think this can be anyone's home if it stays as it is. All I know is that I can't go back home. Not yet. It has to end here. "The pinnacle, if they can't reach you then they can't top you." RP Account Associated with HeroesRPG.

[detective-cross]

“I’d say the one bright side is the baked goodies and desserts that come with the season, the hot cocoa and snickerdoodles help me retain the little sanity I have left.” He chuckles, knowing that the true reason he didn’t like the chipper holidays was more personal. Yet, it was a good day thus far and there was no reason to bog down the mood by dredging that pain up. “Exactly! I’d rather be on Santa’s naughty list then sit through the annual holiday cheer playlist.”

[whitewingednoa]

“Growing up, I knew that when this time of the year came it meant that I was gonna get my hands on some sufganiyot.” Noa’s mouth is watering just thinking about them. “They’re basically doughnuts, but this bakery my mom got them from would fill them with custard and sprinkle some sugar over them. Man, were they great. I’ve yet to find a Jewish bakery that made them as good as the ones I grew up with.” She laughs softly, thinking back to home, to how she was raised. It’s bittersweet and she decides to distract herself with something else. “Maybe if they were heard once in a while, but not incessantly.”

[piret-koiv]

Piret couldn’t say anything, merely watch Noa as she came closer, and crunch up the paper of the bag in her hand without even noticing. There was a dumb hope in her that she had to name in order to realize how idiotic and destructive it was; the hope that Noa was coming closer to wrap her arms around her, Piret’s, shoulders again and kiss her again, And that hope existed because Piret knew that this was apparently the only language she knew how to speak, the only way in which she could ever be close to the people she wanted to be close to her. Hearing Noa speak was heartbreaking then, a reminder of how she had told herself that she should be talking instead of kissing, and trying to understand instead of taking her embarrassing shortcuts. She didn’t deserve that level understanding, not her who had been trying so hard to get better for so long. “I thought you were supposed to apologize when you feel bad about what you’ve done to someone”, Piret got out, a sentence rehashed nearly verbatim from her therapist, and one that she now regretted nearly instantly. Way to reveal the extent of her emotional dyslexia.

Piret stared at her paper bag and in spite of herself found herself giggling. “That’s this huge part of why I joined as well. Because I was so tired of all this sitting in my apartment on my own in the evenings, feeling like the world is passing me by. So yeah, this is my home now, yeah.” That wasn’t a response to the essence of what Noa had said, Piret realized that, but it was a response to the brunette’s words, and Piret felt like she should say something or she would burst. She had to find the empty words didn’t help much, only felt like stalling, because she knew what she had to say, had known ever since she’d lain in bed awake after Noa had flown her home. And talking about their kiss turned out to actually have been a greater icebreaker than she would have expected, and Piret found herself smiling: “I suppose I have the Bailey’s to thank for that. Bailey’s kisses. I told you that, didn’t I? But I guess I need to say sorry for all the crap I had on top of that.” With a deep breath, Piret grabbed her breakfast bag again, and forced herself to look Noa in the eye to deliver the words she had been working towards, the words that would make her the person she was supposed to be: “Look, if you just wanna be friends, I can do that. We can do that. I can just shove my food into the microwave here, and then you can take your food, and I can take my food, and we can go into the sitting room and have breakfast, and you can remind me of all the embarrassing crap I said last night, because I’m pretty sure I don’t remember all that crap, and then if you have questions about that crap, I will answer all of them truthfully and we can laugh about it, and we can pretend me telling that shit is the only thing that happened that night. I can do that if you want us to do that.” And already as she said it, Piret had to find she wasn’t entirely sure she could really pull that off. But she would try, to become a better person. To stop hurting the people she cared about. Starting with Noa, whose lips she would have killed for to feel again on her own. But now, all she felt was the touch of her fingers on the rough paper of the deli bag. 

[whitewingednoa]

Why did she feel bad? Noa swallowed roughly, trying to understand. “Well,” Noa started, looking down as she gave her lips a quick swipe with her tongue. “If... if you want to apologize, I guess you can. If you do feel bad.” Glancing up at Piret, she continued. “I don’t feel like you did anything you need to apologize for, but if that’s how you feel...” Noa allowed her voice to trail off as she took a step, just a small step back, scratching at her forehead, wondering what was going on. It was as if Piret regretted what happened. Should they have left it at that? Or should they try to make something of where they found themselves in? Noa didn’t know what to do, but she knew she didn’t want to make the wrong choice and the wrong choice would be one that made Piret not come around anymore. She liked her company. Maybe they could try something... “I don’t wanna pretend it didn’t happen, that’s not,” Noa shook her head, knowing very well how unhealthy it is to push things down, to not talk about things. Sighing, she knew if Piret wasn’t willing, maybe she should be the one to bring it out. “You kissed me, yeah, but I kissed you too, you know? I wasn’t the first one, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to kiss you--in either of those times.” One thing was for sure, you don’t want to kiss your friends, but kissing friends led to complicated situations.

“Maybe I would like to kiss you again,” Noa gave a small shrug, her voice more of a mumble than anything. “But what I know for sure is that I don’t want to lose you. I care about you.” She offered a small smile, her words true. “We can talk about things, P,” she took a step forward, feeling more confident now. “You were telling me about all the stuff that was bothering you that night. If you can talk to me about that, we can talk about... this,” she referred to what was happening. It was hard to be vulnerable, Noa knew that and it was especially hard to be vulnerable with someone else. “You can trust me. Above everything else, no matter what happens we’re friends and I always want to be here for you.” Maybe the relationship won’t work out, maybe it will, but Noa knew the importance of friendship over the importance of a romantic relationship. There had to be friendship, otherwise the romance turned cold. It definitely made working through potential problems--and Noa knew her own problems would soon be disclosed to Piret, and if Piret felt Noa was worth the trouble, what could be so wrong?

[whitewingednoa]

detective-cross

“Now we’re forced to endure until around Valentines. Sheesh.” The man responds with a grunt of annoyance. It was for these reasons he was reluctant to go to any stores during winter time – yet it was inevitable. “It’s really amazing how there are 87 different popular covers of the same horribly over-played jingles.”

Despite his clear agitation, Noa couldn’t help but give a small smile, not for politeness sake, but just because lack of Christmas cheer was always so amusing to see. Having never really celebrated the holiday, she still just went along with it most of the time, especially since arriving here. “At least bring in some variety, right? I’d hate to be working in a store during this time. They just play the same music over and over again. That’s gotta be some form of torture.”

[detective-cross]

*Aggressively hates Christmas Carols*

[whitewingednoa]

“Jeez, looks like they’re starting early this year.”

[whitewingednoa]

babybirdofthesea

Her eyes travelled down to the man at the window, the act alarming in and of itself. She ditched her furrowed eyebrows for a nod and the corners of her lips moving upwards ever so slightly. “He does seem a bit strange.” She agreed softly as her eyes had travelled back down to the man at the window, before quickly turning back to the woman in an attempt not to catch the man’s attention. Unsure as to how to reply to such a request, she simply smiled and replied with “You can stay here as long as you need.”

“He was, trust me,” Noa laughed, looking at him as he eventually turned and walked out. “I think he had a bit of a crush on me and I guess he’s never gotten over it even after all these years!” It was then Noa took a closer look at the younger girl, particularly what she had in front of her. Was she studying? “Oh, am I bothering you? You’re probably studying for some monster exam right?” Giving a short chuckle, she shook her head. “I definitely don’t miss that, let me tell you.” Noa did not miss school, but she definitely missed learning. It was one of her favorite things to do. Now all her knowledge was locked up in her head, with no way to put it to use. 

[whitewingednoa]

piret-koiv

The night with Noa at the bar was by no means the first time Piret had woken up after a night out drinking only to feel the embarrassment of gradually returning memories burning on her cheeks all day. The difference was that usually, she had been able to solve the entire mess by resolving never to set foot into that particular bar again (she had a bad track record there) and to never talk to the person in question again (Piret played Champions’ League when it came to that). But this was different for two reasons. First, Piret knew she couldn’t avoid Noa forever - the Rogues were supposed to be her ticket to a better future, so she would run into Noa sooner or later again during their work for the group. Second, and more importantly, Piret cared. And while she first frantically tried to keep busy with work and errands in order to have an excuse not to set foot into the mansion, and then frantically tried to find as much time as possible to lounge around at Gavin’s place without yet knowing for certain what she would tell Noa, the realization grew in Piret that maybe the most important thing was to make sure that she would still be able to be around Noa. In whichever way. But in order for that to be possible, they would have to talk. So after a night shift and getting a bagel and coffee from deli on her way back, Piret made her way back to the mansion, heading for the kitchen for cream cheese.

She saw Noa before Noa saw her, and first stood frozen with her deli bag in hand, lowering it only when Noa began to talk, a light smile of relief on her face. “Way too tired. Just had a night shift. How bout you?” Already, the silence was getting too long for Piret’s taste. Maybe she should be going to get the cream cheese from the fridge now, but Piret found that she was afraid that if she was to do so, she would break that resolve of hers that still felt far too shaky. And Noa leaning on that very fridge gave Piret an extra push. So she continued standing in the doorway, weighing the bag with the bagel in it in her hand. “I’m really sorry about what happened. I’m always like that, you know. When I feel good about someone, I tell them all that stupid stuff that nobody wants to hear. And then I make up dumb stories about why I need to kiss them because I’m bad at being friends with people I care about. Even though they maybe would prefer that. I guess I’m like that king for whom everything he touches, it turns to gold. Except everything I touch turns to shit.” She had to give a dumb smile at how accurate that sounded. The words being off her chest felt like a weight had been lifted, as Piret had spent way too long ignoring the various construction sites her life was littere with. So a flicker of a smile could flitter across her lips again, and Piret relaxed enough to lean against the doorpost, finally putting down her food on the kitchen counter. “You kiss really well though. Don’t know if anyone’s told you that before.”

Noa looked at Piret for a moment, not too long, not wanting to meet her eyes. So she looked elsewhere. She saw the bag and wondered what was in there. Food most likely, maybe that’s why she was in the kitchen. Despite being interesting in what was in the bag, Noa still listened to Piret. At the question of how she was doing, Noa brought up the apple in her hand. “Uh, hungry,” she answered shortly before giving a smile and taking another bite. She looked up, only meeting Piret’s eyes briefly before looking at her forehead. It was weird, but she didn’t want to be rude. Noa wasn’t rude. Sure, a bit too blunt sometimes but she never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings. At the apology, Noa’s face softened, not wanting Piret to feel apologetic. Did she regret it? Should they regret it? However, she didn’t want Piret to blame herself for anything, to make herself feel bad. That was far from what Noa wanted. Still not sure exactly what she did want, but she knew what she didn’t. “Hey,” she she took a step, setting the apple on the nearest counter before walking over to Piret. Her steps were slow, very conscious of the distance they were erasing between the two of them.

“You don’t turn anything into shit,” Noa reassured offering a small smile. Nothing was especially bad in that night. Maybe rushed, maybe bold, but not bad. Not bad at all. “So, don’t--don’t apologize.” Noa swallowed roughly, still not sure if Piret regretted it only because she thought Noa didn’t like it or if she too felt it was a huge jump forward. “I would be there for you, any night, any place. Life can get lonely sometimes, I get that.” She looked at Piret. “And you shouldn’t ever feel like you’re alone, okay? I’m here--we’re all here, but I am here. Most likely right here in this place,” she chuckled softly looking around the kitchen. She bit her lower lip, unsure of what to say next. How does she tell her she wanted it but felt like she shouldn’t get it at the same time? Sighing, she smiled at the compliment. “You’re not bad yourself, you know? Even if you were drunk and tasted of alcohol.” Noa teased her, her smile widening. “Honestly, drunk kisses aren’t supposed to be that great, but yours is up there, definitely.”

[whitewingednoa]

Noa had been meeting with the younger Rogues as directed by Erica, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t been thinking about what happened with Piret nights ago. It was sort of in the back of her mind, always, but like other things, she could forget about them for a bit until her mind went silent and that was all that could think about. She wanted to talk about it, it was always better to talk things out rather than let them fester. At least when they involved other people and not just herself. She wondered if Piret had it on her mind as well. Truth be told, Noa wasn’t sure where to go from it. She liked Piret, she liked kissing her, but there was more to it then that, wasn’t there? She worried she might be reading things wrong and maybe all Piret wanted was a one-night stand and not a relationship. Noa didn’t know what she was afraid of more, that that was the truth, or that it wasn’t.

Noa’s stomach led her to the kitchen and she opened the refrigerator door and took a peek inside, crouching down to grab at an apple. She studied it for a bit, standing back up to close the door before taking a bite and turning to continue on her way only to spot Piret. Her eyebrows raised in slight shock, but she smiled as she chewed, despite feeling a knot in her stomach. Letting out a soft sigh, she leaned against the fridge. “Hey,” she greeted. “It’s good to see you. How--how’ve you been, man?” she added. Noa knew they had to talk about things, but she was afraid it was going to lead down a path she didn’t want. What did she want, anyway? She didn’t know. She hadn’t known for a while. Things used to be so easy before everything. If this were seven, eight years ago, she would have gladly tried to start something with Piret, but now, there was an apprehension created by the paranoia plaguing her mind. And she worried that paranoia would hurt someone she cared about.

[babybirdofthesea]

She sat in the corner booth of the cafe, her legs tucked underneath her thighs as she kept her eyes glued between either the pages laying across the table, or the door as it opened and closed for anybody other than the person she was waiting for. A classmate of hers, as well as her roommate, was to meet her here to study for their Music History course together. 

She would not admit it to anyone at her new school, but she had never been a very studious person in her previous years. Joining a “terrorist” organization after graduating high school hadn’t left much place for picking up college courses, even online ones. But Sarah Fairchild never did any of that. Sarah Fairchild took a few years off, and after videos of her playing came across the Dean’s desk (her name had never been released in the videos, after all), she was offered a scholarship to attend the school. Sarah Fairchild. She had memorized the story over and over again, just like she was asked. She would do it for her safety, and especially for her sanity. The feeling of being watched had created a paranoia in her that would possibly have ended her in a few years time. 

She was Sarah Fairchild; she was just a girl, and that was all she needed.

[whitewingednoa]

Mm, no that was definitely not the kind of look a stranger should be giving her. Sure, she had the odd look now and then because who the hell wears a trench coat in the heat. But there she was and there he was. No, Noa didn’t like the feel of this. Thankfully, it was nice and full with people on the sidewalks and even better, it was full of people who were taller than her. She threw herself into the crowd and ducked into a cafe, thankful to get out of whatever was happening back there and enjoying the coolness of indoors.

She wasn’t out of danger yet, though and caught him looking around from the window. Sitting in the first seat available, she slouched, her eyes on the window momentarily before looking to the person she sat with. “Sorry,” she mumbled. “Can you pretend you know me for like, five seconds?” She sat up straight and leaned forward, partly to get the young girl to hear her better and also to kind of hide behind her as the man walked through the doors. “I really don’t want go through catching up with someone I haven’t seen in years,” she lied with a soft chuckle, not wanting to alarm the girl. “I mean, hello, Frank, there’s a reason we haven’t spoken since college. You’re a weirdo!”

[whitewingednoa]

[piret-koiv]:

If Piret had to pick one thing, one tendency about herself that had made her keep screwing things up (and still continued to do so, if she was honest), it was the fact that she apparently was unable to leave off with an appetite No, she was far more likely to keep gorging herself to the point of nausea; the tingling setting in being her tipping point, the goosebumps a sure-fire way of knowing she was still alive and breathing. She would have wanted to drag her lips further downwards, feel the skin on Noa’s throat and chest with its warmth a contrast to the chilling night’s air, and later, in the light of her room (good sign she could picture the room light, right? Progress) study her skin and finally feel protected again. Like she mattered.

When Noa started to speak, Piret tried to face her with a gaze of practised nonchalance that didn’t belie her thoughts, with limited success. But you had to be cool about these things, that was part of it all, right? And at first, Piret could still smile as she took I’ll take you home the entirely wrong way, a smile so radiant it reflected the way her heartbeat had sped up. It took a while for what Noa was getting at to sink in. When it did, Piret buried her face where Noa’s neck met her shoulders, mumbling into the other’s skin: “I’m not that drunk,” mumbling because she knew that she was lying. But did being drunk really mean that what you were doing didn’t mean anything? Piret didn’t believe that, but her head was spinning too much for her to argue that point. A mumbled “Yeah” was followed by an even more muffled “isn’t doing something more important than memories” that Piret hoped Noa wouldn’t hear, because as soon as the words had passed her lips she realized that she was doing exactly the one thing that she always seemed to be bound to do when she cared for someone: Too much too soon, when in actuality you had to pretend that you really didn’t care. Anything else left you with embarrassment the next day, and in the long run, with a whole bunch of ruined would-be relationships you wouldn’t want to touch with a ten-foot pole. And having the option of being around Noa meant too much to Piret in order for her to let that happen. Surely she could pull herself together for the sake of shared future laughter in the mansion’s livingroom? So Piret draped her chin over Noa’s shoulder, focusing on her voice for a moment to make sure she wouldn’t sound like she was going to cry: “Yeah, yeah, let’s go home.” And then, switch the topic - not so hard when they were surrounded by water: “Did I ever tell you that I used to be terrified by water? Like when I was kid, I couldn’t go into the sea without wanting to cry Pretty ironic, hu?”

Noa needed to take Piret home. This was nice... better than nice really, but words weren’t coming so easily to her at the moment. Her wings started picking up more lift as she prepared to take her home. Noa needed to think about this more than she would have seven, eight, years ago. Now, whoever was going to be willing to get inside Noa’s head, they needed to know, they needed to be prepared for what was in there. Not nice things. The furthest from nice things. Maybe it was Noa that wasn’t ready, the one who said she’d always welcome love with open arms, found herself with her arms wrapped around herself, hesitant to let love inside. It didn’t take much observation to know Piret had issues herself and Noa wanted to help her, like she wanted to help everyone she cared about, but she was worried if she allowed herself to let Piret in, she wouldn’t like what she would find. She would find Noa to be too much of a handful.

“I think that’s impressive you not only conquered your fear, but fell in love with it,” Noa spoke softly to her, giving a small smile. Noa always had her eyes to the sky from an early age. And once she discovered she could fly, it was as if the only place her eyes knew to look, was up. She cared about Piret so much and Noa wanted nothing but good things for her, but was she a good thing? It was stupid, really. Noa never saw herself as doubting whether or not to move things along with another. Fast-paced was her thing, but after everything that happened, she moved much slower than she once did. What if she wasn’t who Piret thought she was... and judging from how little she has told her, how little she has told anyone, really, Piret didn’t know her at all. Maybe all Piret wanted was to be comforted. While Noa would be happy to provide it, this kind of comfort could lead to confusion. Noa wasn’t as strong as Piret thought, maybe hoped. Noa knew it was only a matter of time, a misplaced bang, an unexpected voice, it was enough to send her spiralling back into the memories of being imprisoned and she couldn’t let Piret see her like that. She couldn’t let anyone see her like that. Once she arrived at Piret’s place, she landed softly, letting go of Piret to allow her to head to the entrance. “We’ll talk soon, okay?” She assured and waited outside until she was sure Piret was inside and flew off. 

[felix-shaw-blog]

Anyone there?

[whitewingednoa]

[felix-shaw]:

Felix enjoys the woman’s laugh and that she caused it. Even under the dimmed club lights, she can tell this woman is quite pretty. She begins to understand why she needs the drink, though. When the other woman leans in so closely to her, she feels her face warm a bit, but she grins at the bit of information. If I was asked to point out someone I think is a lightweight, you’d be the last person I’d suspect. She smirks slightly. Does that mean I’ll have to woo you through flirting instead of flattering you with drinks, then?

Is that right? Noa’s surprised it's something you could tell based off looks. However, she decides to call the girl’s bluff. And what makes you tell a lightweight from a--a heavyweight? Noa asks, raising her eyebrow. She laughs at the girl’s question, nodding. Yeah, I’m old fashioned that way, I’m afraid. You’re gonna have to depend on your own charms without the help of alcohol. You think you can do it?

[whitewingednoa]

Open Up My Mind | Erica & Noa

[whitewingednoa]

[erica-jackson]:

Erica sank back forward, hands at her temples again and an expression of concentration. Had she wanted to look like thinking didn’t take any effort, she probably would have managed to, but at that particular moment, she didn’t want to. Let Noa know she was doing her best, they all were. “To tell you the truth, New York appears to be working better than California. Probably also because both PROTECT and Nexus are based here as well. So at the moment, it doesn’t look like we should be moving on anytime soon. But in general, I think one of the strongest points we have at our disposal is flexibility, and that includes the ability to move camp should the situation require that.” She looked up again to conclude: “So no it’s not in the books yet, but I can’t exclude the possibility of us ever having to move.” She clicked her fingers. “It’s brilliant, exactly. The tool of those at a material disadvantage. Seems like it was just fashioned for us, doesn’t it? That’s why I think we should get on that, and assign that task to someone who doesn’t need major instructions.”

Erica swallowed as she tried to get the nagging feeling of inadequacy under control, a feeling of how she had been doing so, so much to make them believe in her, had tried so hard to make them see that she believed in them and only thought of their best only for it all to be in vain. But in a family, you didn’t voice that sort of thing. In a family, trust was implicit and innate, and Erica would do her best to foster that trust. “I’m glad you came to me with that concern but let me restate that there are no grounds for it. Where do I go if I’m not here or in California, hu? I understand that there are no alternatives for many of us, and there aren’t for me either.”

Responding to Noa’s comments about Carmen was harder, and Erica was silent for what she felt was too long a time. Maybe that was what happened if you had never really learned how to communicate in a real family - with the foster families, she had never really cared either way if a wrong comment would lead her to be expelled. They had all been as bad as one another. “Well, to begin with, I think it’s worth remembering that Famine unfortunately had to bear the brunt of too many things. Which was not fair on mine or Piper’s part, I admit that. But maybe she knew that it wasn’t anyone else? Maybe she, much like I do at this particular moment, felt she could trust you with that? When the pressure gets too much, everyone has to let go of things, even if it’s just for a very short moment. We’re all human..” she had to giggle at how that had slipped out, “….somehow.” There were some actual concerns in there though, things she should adress. Primarily about the communication culture. She’d need to be circumspect about it, but there was no alternative to building on their little family here. There hadn’t been in many years. “I will talk to Famine about that though, about how you feel you can’t come to her. That shouldn’t be happening. Take it as a sign of her trust in you though - things get to all of us, and everyone copes with that in different ways.” She paused, hoping for her next words to sound as genuine as she meant them to be. “Thank you for telling me all this.”

Trust. Noa hadn’t thought about this, about the fact that Famine might have thought to trust Noa with her... lack of confidence. However, it was a very disruptive thing to do. No one wants to pull back the curtain and see how they kill the chicken, they only want to see the cooked chicken on their plate. There was a time and a place for that kind of conversation and that wasn’t it. Noa still felt like she was getting to know these horsewomen and that just didn’t sit well with her. She would have liked to only see them as a figure for a while longer, but she supposed that wasn’t possible. But yikes did that reveal they needed some cleaning up to do. “I do get it. I’ve been in high stress and high pressure situations, but it’s not healthy to just unleash on someone. Although I wouldn’t say I’m the poster child for doing things in a healthy manner...” she trailed off, averting her eyes from Erica. She definitely did not do things in a healthy way. Noa held in a lot of what happened as a soldier and what happened as a prisoner. She felt that if it was bottled up, untouched, it couldn’t hurt her anymore. But boy did she continue to feel the ramifications of her past and she was not aware. Remaining undiagnosed, believing that you can just control the symptoms, it was denial at its best. If no one else notices but me, nothing is wrong. Everything is okay. And Noa longed for the days when everything was okay.

“I just want what’s best,” Noa assured, looking back at Erica, hoping she believed her. “I don’t want to see any of you fall apart. You’re all strong enough for this. I know that.” She didn’t want them to fall and for the movement to fall with them. She knew of Christopher and his desire to lead and she wasn’t too sure about him, but after seeing Famine--Carmen, whatever she wanted to be called now, after seeing how she reacted, well, maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to put someone with more mental stability. God knows Noa would never be in any condition to lead any form of group the same way she did years ago. It just wasn’t in her. It was gone... like a lot of things she once was were gone. All that was left was her attempting to pick up her own pieces, but even if she put herself back together, she wouldn’t want to be the same. Then again, is that what she wanted, to be the same person she was those many years ago? Someone who is willing to go to war? It was disgusting. “Thanks for listening,” Noa was also appreciative that Erica was willing to take her issues seriously. She could have just laughed it off or made Noa feel like she couldn’t criticize the leaders, the latter is what she was most worried about, that all three of them would become unapproachable. She was glad that wasn’t the case.

“I need to ask one question though,” Noa squinted her eyes slightly as she looked at Erica, knowing this one wasn’t on the serious side, but it felt dumb to ask. “She kind of made it seem like she didn’t like to be called Famine, which was weird. I just thought that was what we called you, like a nickname, not necessarily as a figurehead. So, I guess my question is, what do you guys prefer? I find it kind of weird to call you buy your real names.” She chuckled softly at what it reminded it her of. “It’s like calling your teacher by their first name. It’s just... weird.” Noa saw like a sign of respect almost, not something to separate between a horsewoman and a member of Rogue.

[piret-koiv]

The thoughts always came whenever Piret felt someone else’s skin on her own; thoughts of how she was so godamn unattractive now over having let herself go in spite of trying not to, memories of how she had always ended up fucking things up. But the thoughts had accompanied her for more than a decade and by now, Piret had found her way of handling them: Ignoring them and pressing on. Kisses and anything beyond them was beautiful while they lasted, more than that, they made you forget how crappy everything was, all things considered. And Piret had always been a person very susceptible to physical sensation: The prickling that spread from her lips, telling her that Noa was willing to take a risk with her, that she could still be beautiful and desirable, spread throughout her body in a tingling sensation that gave her goosebumps (which she hoped Noa wouldn’t take the wrong way). Goosebumps made life worth it.

She could have drowned in this moment, forever, the way Noa followed her lead, the tension in her own body and the one she could feel in Noa’s arms adding to the excitement of the moment. Her head was tingling, but Piret wasn’t thinking of where that was coming from, be it the sparkling on the water’s surface, the alcohol coursing through her bloodstream or the knowledge that only Noa’s power separated them from certain death right now. God, what a sight they must have been. Piret could have cried that out to the high heavens, but instead she put the tingling into her tongue, and she noticed Noa’s breath going faster, hers followed suit. She had to take a decision now, Piret realized as the first wave of the tingling wore off, and she couldn’t risk Noa breaking their kiss. Piret was done losing opportunities. She broke the kiss slowly, not really even, simply withdrawing her tongue, only letting her lips linger on Noa’s for a long moment, before tracing a trail of pecks all the way from the corner of the brunette’s mouth to her earlobe, and finishing by kissing the latter. Finally, she withdrew her head and took a moment to let her breathing settle. Her words still came out breathless but godamn, that was what she was like, messy: “I can’t decide what’s more beautiful, you or the water, but I think I’m gonna go with you. Let’s go home, shall we? I bet your wings are even more beautiful in the light.”

[whitewingednoa]

Someone had to be the voice of reason here. Someone had to have a clear head, but it had been so long for Noa to just feel the intimacy of another person and it turned her brain into mush. Piret was gorgeous and she never would have expected something like this to happen so soon. There was so many things she needed to change. The anxiety, the nightmares, it would be too much for someone other than Noa to handle. She wouldn’t want to burden Piret like that. Burden someone who needed that sense of perfection. It was stupid really. Noa was well aware that keeping things to yourself did more harm than good, but how could she rely on someone who was barely making it on her own. Piret was dealing with a lot and for Noa to add to it... it just seemed selfish. Besides, if things went to far, if Piret found out why she dealing with so much anxiety, why she had those nightmares... after a while she wouldn’t be able to blame it on Nexus and who would want to be with someone after learning what a monster they were?

It was cliche, the feeling of Piret’s lips still lingered even as she slowly pulled away. Noa wanted to lean in further to continue, but her wings were struggling to remain calm and steady and not erratic like the rest of her. A breathy laugh escaped Noa’s lips as she opened her eyes and looked at Piret. She knew what it would mean to take Piret home and while part of her wanted to continue on with it, her reason was returning. “I’ll take you home,” she said, looking into Piret’s eyes, trying to find the person who would agree that tonight was not the night. She hoped her next words wouldn’t hurt Piret, that was the last thing she wanted to do. “You’re drunk, P.” She attempted a laugh to lighten things. “You wanna remember this, yeah? Yeah,” She added a little softer than her previous words, trying to appeal to Piret’s sensitive side. It just wasn’t right. The kissing shouldn’t have happened, but Noa was glad it did. But not right now. Right now she had to take a drunk girl home and her wings started to flap to get her moving.

[felix-shaw-blog]

Anyone there?

[felix-shaw-blog]

Felix smiles slightly at the other woman’s laugh. Lukewarm is better than roofied. Her eyebrows raise at her saying it was for show. What do you mean by it was for show? Not here to get wasted and grind up against some girls?

[whitewingednoa]

Noa laughs at the girl’s bluntness, something she always appreciates in others. Nah, nah, she starts, still giggling. Company’s nice, but if you’re without a drink someone’ll offer to buy you one and one turns into two then three. She leans in close to Felix. And between you and me, I’m a big lightweight.

[whitewingednoa]

carmen–rivera:

We’re not always assholes, Carmen interjects, shrugging. Well, when you leave us alone, that is. She motions at Noa’s lip, Someone hit you?

Noa looked over at Famine before back at the bottle in her hand. “Nah, managed to find a biter. Went a little further than I’m into,” she inhaled through clenched teeth, her eyes widening. “Yikes.” She let out a soft chuckle to ease her sarcastic tone before looking back at Famine. “Assholes are always assholes.”

[whitewingednoa]

Open Up My Mind | Erica & Noa

[whitewingednoa]

erica-jackson:

“That’s a good thing to hear. Not that I expect that from everybody; it can be difficult to rouse yourself again after a setback and God knows we’ve had enough of these. But we’re still working on assigning tasks now that I’m back in New York and everyone who wanted to come over from California has made it, so a little initiative goes a long way there.” Though too much initiative could also be harmful, both New York and California seemed to be brimming with young people ready to launch into action, but someone had to bring that energy into order, to assign tasks and draft plans. It hadn’t been fair of her to leave that task entirely to Carmen and Piper, so Erica had pictured herself getting right on it once back in New York, only she hadn’t expected to be so overwhelmed with work. Better not to bring up her concerns though, energy shouldn’t be hindered. That obviously didn’t make Noa’s next words sound too promising so Erica sat for a moment massaging her temples: “It’s infectious, isn’t it? Seeing young people who know the world can change for the better. If you know someone who is really good with social media, maybe someone who’s a professional, could you maybe tell them to come get in touch with me? Having an interest in something is fine, but we’ll need people with comprehensive expertise as well.”

Bumming it. That expression hit Erica like a fist to the stomach. Like she ever could do such a thing - this was her family, blood over water, she continued to sacrifice so much for them every day in the knowledge that  she could demand the same sacrifices in return. And then -bumming it. She shouldn’t be taking it as an insult though Erica found her skin running cold at the fact that the word had come to Noa’s mind in connection with her. Erica forced the next words into her usual template of rationality spiced with subtle emotion, she needed to maintain everyone’s trust and she knew of no better way: “We started in California and people there still know about us. Occasionally people might still want to join from there so it’s worth to check up on that regularly and to send a message that we are spreading rather than moving. There was never a moment between the raid and the moment I am sitting on this sofa that I considered to, as you say, bum it, and frankly, I am disappointed that you would imply otherwise.” She kept her eyes on Noa while she internally resolved not to take it too personally, but to little avail. “Everyone is needed but thank you, I’m also very glad to be back.” Now Erica raised her eyebrows and couldn’t keep the slight quivering out of her voice of which she didn’t know whether it stemmed from fear or anger: “How is Famine shaky? Holding such a large group of people together all on your own is no easy feat, and I should believe you are aware of that.”

“How does that work, though?” Noa questioned, honestly curious and unable to understand. “I get wanting to make sure Rogue presence is felt throughout the nation or.. farther, but, are you planning on only planting your seed, so to speak, here and then moving to another state or country like you did with California? Like, is it temporary?” If it was only to be temporary, Noa wondered if she would follow them to wherever they went nect. If she had no home to go to, she wouldn’t have a choice, really. But as for now she both had a home and didn’t. “Uh, professional… I can try, yeah. I mean everyone seems like a pro compared to how well I am with it, but I’m sure we’ve got a couple floating around. Or just one good one. I think the whole social media is brilliant, honestly. You can reach so many people and get so much attention so quickly, which I think is really crucial for our movement.” Was it a movement? Rebellion? Uprising? Movement was probably a word with better connotations than the other ones she thought of.

The disappointment comment made Noa frown and shift in her seat. “I don’t know you--and I knew you even less until we started talking just now. My judgements were based on someone who, well, isn’t you, obviously. Nothing personal.” Noa felt that this time her comment needed to be explained. She barely knew Erica and how could the other woman expect Noa to know what she would and wouldn’t do? However, Noa found her words provided a very unstable foundation in forming a response to her next words. She exhaled deeply, looking down with raised eyebrows. “Well, where do I begin,” she gave a huff of a laugh, trying to lesson the potential blow of her explanation. “I understand insecurity, everyone’s got it. I understand not being perfect, cause, shit, who is? But the whole self-deprecation stuff? It’s not something everyone can hear. Some people will hear that,” she leaned in, speaking softer, “and it’ll be like the animal kingdom in here once they sniff out the weak one, especially if it’s a leader. I mean, she literally told me it was over when I talked to her. I understand if you’re having a bad day, but had I been someone else, someone with a bigger mouth, it would have spread amongst everyone--that a leader of Rogue had given up.” 

If anyone could understand that Noa was looking out for what was best for the group, Erica could. At least she hoped. Noa straightened as she continued. “And she does this thing, ‘fake apathy’, she calls it and pulls away from the conversation which is not good at all. It fosters bad communication and if you want to make this group thrive, you’ve got to be able to communicate with those in charge effectively. That being said, I understand constructive criticism, believe me, I do, but I had a conversation with her, suggesting alternate methods and everything I suggested she nitpicked and found one little flaw and that was it while she wasn’t so quick to do the same for her suggestions. I’d be the first to admit if my plans sucked, and maybe some were wishful thinking, but that kind of stuff, if done to a young Rogue, being shut down so quickly--that’ll really negatively impact your relationship with them. They’ll feel like they can’t come to you, which is honestly how I feel with her.”

[felix-shaw-blog]

Anyone there?

[felix-shaw-blog]

Felix looks over at the other woman as she slides her drink over, smiling slightly with a raised eyebrow. You didn’t put anything in this, right? Because as much as I’d love to be lured away by a woman as pretty as yourself, I’d like to do so without being drugged.  

[whitewingednoa]

Noa laughs, ducking and shaking her head. Nah, you’re safe. It might be a bit lukewarm though since I haven’t touched it since I ordered it. It was just for show. She gives a small shrug and smile.

[felix-shaw-blog]

Anyone there?

I have money I’d like to give to buy a drink, so if you could take it, that’d be great. 

[whitewingednoa]

You probably won’t have any luck shouting. Save your vocal chords and have mine. She slides over a drink to her. I haven’t touched it. Nor was I planning to.