Warehouse Living

Reports from the front line of the London Warehouse Community

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Found in the wild

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Results: Everybody’s favourite toilet

The People’s Choice for Best Toilet has been revealed at last. We are pleased to announce: the one on the right at the end.

Similar to the one on the left but overall preferred by 65% of the household, the one on the right at the end gets chosen 9 times out of ten (when available).

Subletter Saiid had this to say:

“It’s a bit further than the other toilets, but well worth the journey. It’s just better”

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Bad news: All housemates missed bin day

It seems by some kind of freak clerical error, each and every single one of your housemates has missed their turn to take the bins. We’re afraid you will have to wait until the next Lunar Eclipse before the bins can be taken out again.

Failing this, there is talk that a better system for tackling this issue may be in place by 2020.

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Exclusive to WHL

Your very own cut-out and keep storage tariff!  Stick it on your door, corridor, wall or around any other area you need to.

You’re welcome x

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Breaking: Missing Mail signed for by shirtless man

News just in that your missing parcel was definitely signed for by local bleary-eyed, shirtless man. The man gave no name and the signature was illegible. 

Good luck.

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Survey results: “It’s A Warehouse” voted most popular phrase

“It’s a warehouse” has been voted the most popular phrase for excusing a whole range of antisocial behaviour it has been found.

The latest results show that it has replaced “I know you are but what am I” and “So’s your mum” in terms of popular usage among entitled over-20s.

Similar phrases including “Get used to it” and “Well don’t live here then” were also in the top running.

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New Artists’ Hub to open

Developers have today announced that a new creative hub is to open in the centre of London’s Artist District. The announcement comes as part of an exciting new scheme that plans to subsidise artist’s renting costs.

A spokesperson from the initiative explains how it will work:

“We recognised that artists need space in order to ‘do their thing’ but space these days costs a premium. We also realised there there are people out there willing and able to pay that premium in order to live in an up-and-coming area, so our scheme has found a way to bring them together.

“We provide artists studios to the artist for free. We then convert the surrounding space into luxury living apartments and rent it to wealthy individuals who want to take part in the warehouse lifestyle. These individuals are then free to watch or simply ‘chill’ in the vicinity of real artists in their natural habitat. It’s a win win.”

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Research: Hidden signal contained in perpetual Techno causes ‘despair’

New research has discovered a ‘hidden signal’ contained in the rich layers of Techno music that when played incessantly and through walls induces a kind of despair in those trapped in its vicinity.

Scientists observed that its effects vary but it is particularly prominent in people working from home and those who are trying to sleep at a goddamn reasonable hour.

We spoke to some local residents who believe they have been subjected to the Techno signal. Some names may have been changed.

Bilko: “This research just confirms something I’ve known for a while now. I’m self-employed and often work from home. I might be trying to concentrate on some basic admin and realise that half an hour has passed and all I can think about is how the sound of Techno has been going for the last two-hours and hasn’t changed at all in that time”

Wendy: “I love music, I often go to parties, gigs, raves. I began to suspect Techno was ruining my life when I realised I hadn’t slept properly for at least 8 weeks. There’s something in the signal that enters my ears and then my mind, especially when it’s playing through the wall after 10.30 on a week night. I can’t explain it, it’s just weird.”

Researchers have not yet come up with an explanation as to the source of the ‘signal’ but Dark Web forums have suggested that it could be a Russian plot to weaken the economy.

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Exclusive: Housemate who could easily resolve this confusion decides to ‘sit this one out’

Thomas Worble of Industrial Road recently decided to excuse himself from a rising conflict in the house, citing that it was “just too much bother” to get involved.

Thomas had been witness to the brewing tensions in the house and realised early on that there “had been a simple misunderstanding”. 

Thomas had this to say: 

“I realise I could say something that would fix it all, but it would probably just take too much explaining.”

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Revealed: Most-hated ‘tat’ in house actually belongs to no one

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Kitchenware makes shocking reappearance

Kitchenware that had been long-thought missing last night made a shocking reappearance in what is being dubbed ‘a complete mystery’. 

Housemate Terry describes the scene: “I walked into the kitchen and it was like a washing-up Santa had been in the night. Suddenly all the plates and cups that had been missing for so long were just there on the sideboard, all washed up. There’s even my mug that I thought must have been broken. There’s just no explanation for it.”

The event has caused quite a buzz in the house with most residents reported to generally be happy and relieved about the surprise reappearance. But reservations have been expressed from factions who claim there is now nowhere to put the old kitchenware as replacements were purchased some time ago.

More as the story develops.

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Revealed: Bedroom walls much thinner than previously assumed

We can reveal today that the bedroom walls in the warehouse are much thinner than had previously been assumed by some warehouse tenants. The shock comes as what should have been a private conversation was quite audibly overheard by neighbours.

We spoke to Wendy who was on the scene.

“At first I thought someone had come into my room for a chat but when I turned around, no one was there. It was then I realised I was hearing my neighbour through her wall. 

I was quite shocked. All this time I thought the partitioning had been fairly adequate for sound-proofing, but it turns out she’s just been really quiet this whole time. 

Now I’m worrying how many of my private conversations she might have overheard. This sucks”

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Oldest housemate moves out: Takes surprising amount of furniture

The house woke up this morning to find the communal areas almost completely bare as it seems the oldest-running housemate took most of it in their move to a real house.

Missing items included a coffee table, x2 broken sofas, the fish tank and most of the kitchen ware. Thankfully the pool table with missing cueball was left in place.

One witness was quoted as calling it ‘an improvement’.

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Breaking: Worst housemate blames new girl for missing stuff

Everyone’s least favourite housemate has an explanation for all the missing stuff and blames it on the new girl. The new girl, who until now had been widely liked, is yet to be informed of the allegations.

This revelation has caused further confusion for the rest of the housemates who had previously all privately blamed the least favourite housemate for all problems.

More as it comes.

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Update: New housemate discovered

Reports had been coming in for the last 2 weeks of a suspicious looking man with a lurking quality seen locally around the house. Much speculation had surfaced about his origin and purpose and it had been agreed on the local WhatsApp group that security should be tightened to prevent strangers accessing the building.

New information has come to light and we can now reveal the aforementioned man is in fact a new housemate. The shocking news came out last Tuesday when the unknown man tried to borrow a chair. Housemates immediately seized on the situation to ask who he was.

One witness describes the scene:

“We were all just in the kitchen talking about the man who we keep seeing and how he never speaks when suddenly he nonchalantly walked in and asked borrow a chair. None of us knew what to do but one person jumped up and introduced themselves. It all happened so fast. I couldn’t quite hear what they talked about, but apparently his name is Dave and he lives here. We still don’t know which room though”

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FOUND: Entire meal in sink.

Reports from early this morning tell of an entire meal being found in the house hold sink drain. Witnesses described the scene as ‘quite chunky’ and ‘probably enough sustenance for a small child’. One source even claimed a shadowy figure was seen late last night scooping from the sink with what appeared to be a chapati, but we have yet to confirm this report.

We spoke to Vicky who was on the scene: 

“When I saw the sink was blocked, I thought someone was just being a filthy human being, but then I realised - it was an entire meal!” 

She describes how her feelings toward the blockage changed.

“Once I realised what was going on, I was so excited. This is the kind of thing that I think could really catch on around Haringey, soon, we’ll all be eating from our sinks!”