WHSpliffs

Some of my own original illustrations/writing. Sold my soul to keep the heating on but I need it back, I promised it to someone else. (You know who 🤟🏻) Here to connect with people, and get inspired.

[whspliffs]

Rapture.

[whspliffs]

Whats an Appocalypse, without friends.

It’s almost five to midnight,

The back end of a Bender,

There pressing the big red button soon,

Returning us to Sender,

This ain’t your average New Year’s Eve,

For Daybreak is the Ender,

The experts say its terminal,

So let’s hit this! and Surrender,

We’re bumping off the Bumper,

We’re fucking on the Fender,

Let’s eat and drink until were sick,

Tonight your a big Spender,

Steal a horse, slap your boss,

All phones go in the blender,

The here and the now is all we have,

This is our last weekender,

Try some crack or get a face tattoo,

Confess your love to Brenda,

Put on some slinky lingerie,

Tuck a blunt in your suspender,

Taste all the wines, do all the lines,

And tonight we’ll call you Glenda.

We have no use for health or wealth,

Fuck teeth and legal tender,

Be yourself, fuck everyone else,

Fuck jobs, fuck stuff, fuck gender,

This is it, your final act,

So don’t be a pretender,

It’s now or never, so fuck it, whatever,

Be the star, the prime offender,

The law is done, so just have fun,

All is lost, your no contender,

To wether the flash, or cancerous ash,

So relax, and witness the splendour.

-Spliffs

[whspliffs]

I need space.

Original illustration by @whspliffs

[whspliffs]

Psycho Killer

There’s a killer in my house,

He’s breathing down the phone,

He dialling up the tension,

And it’s giving me a bone,

He says he’s gonna gut me,

I really dig his tone,

I play scared to keep it going,

And keep him in the zone,

I beg him not to hurt me,

While I bite my lip and moan,

I hear footsteps coming closer,

My meats harder than a stone,

I stare at his knife, he stares at my crotch,

And he notices I’m prone,

He says “dude Im not gay” and takes a step back,

So I ask if he’d just like to get blown,

Seems a waste to do nothing, you’ve come all this way,

Ive douched and put on cologne,

Then he runs away in horror, into the night.

So I guess I’ll finish alone.

-spliffs

[whspliffs]

Magnets

Im am a magnet,

I stick to my bed,

Pulled down by invisible physics,

Only separated by will and by force,

When my feet reach the ground,

They stick,

Each step heavy,

Held down by invisible physics,

Keeping me stuck,

Making me heavy,

A swamp of metaphysics,

Keeping me stuck,

I will each step,

When that fails i force,

I drag my self to you,

Sticking to walls,

Dragging myself closer to you,

Picking up more and more magnets,

Each one adds weight,

Each one a memento of a place i would rather forget,

Stuck to me,

All the things I told myself to leave behind are attracted to me,

Im attracted to them,

All the things I told myself never again,

All the things I told myself I would never let stick to me,

I have pulled them from myself many times,

Sometimes with will,

Often with force,

But we’re attracted to one another,

Were magnets,

Im south, they are north,

I long to stick to you,

I yearn for the attraction,

An invisible force to stick us together,

But your south,

And we repel,

I see you,

And I feel that invisible force,

Like an invisible wall,

Keeping us apart,

So I stick to what I know,

Accept what attracts,

The laws of the physics have decided my fate,

Im covered now,

Imprisoned by the north and all it’s poison’s,

The pull of there destructive pleasures,

I don’t want to want them,

I want you,

But attraction feels good,

To be wanted by nature,

Not accepted by force,

So I let it all stick,

Cover myself in magnets,

Until I’m buried again,

I have no will,

And there is no force,

So I surrender myself to the moon,

Humble myself before it’s invisible forces,

Let magnetism guide me,

Let gravity crush me,

Destruction is north,

I am south,

It’s textbook.

It’s science.

It’s not what I want.

But the attraction,

is undeniable.

[whspliffs]

The Last Train

Madness is a straight line,

The fastest route from A to B,

We’re all headed to the same location,

Some lines wiggle and wind,

Through valleys of glory and towns that vibrate with song,

They have many stops,

Still moments for its passengers to take in all the wonders,

On there journey from A to B.

My line is straight,

And fast.

Madness has no desire to take its time,

No desire to stop and smell the roses,

No patience,

Faster and faster to the edge of the world,

I m stuck with no path in mind,

So I’m hooked to its wagon,

A train that knows exactly where it wants to go,

It has no stops,

No other passengers.

A one stop bullet train that tears through cities and fields,

I have thought about detaching,

Even tried at times,

But I’m lost,

And this appears to be the only ride I have a ticket for,

Sometimes I wish it would go faster,

I think I long to see the edge of the world too,

If only briefly,

I have been a passenger so long,

All the world and it’s beauty whips by too fast,

They’re blurry, vague. Distant shapes.

The cliff is surely close,

And I’m ready for the view.

Some might say i arrived to soon,

But my lunchbox is empty,

There are holes in my shoes,

My battery has died,

And homes too far behind me now,

I couldn’t turn back if I wanted too,

I don’t know the way,

So boot it driver,

Im ready,

Take this baby all the way,

In a straight line,

The fastest way from A to B

Im ready to go over.

For this journey to be over.

I see the cliff.

So I pack away my things.

Discard my rubbish,

Put away my book,

And prepare to depart.

Ive made it from A to B,

I look at my watch,

Ive made good time,

I reach station B,

We’re I’ll no longer be.

The end of the line.

[whspliffs]

Alone in my kitchen

Sometimes it just helps to piss in the wind a bit.

Try and kick the intrusive lodgers out of my kitchen.

Rob them of the privacy they crave.

They like the dark.

Maybe in the light I’ll be able to see how weak they are.

See that they lie,

See what there trying to obscure,

I can show them to all the people i scared away.

Show them the real culprits.

They have my face.

They act in my name.

Invisible refections in a broken mirror,

A wall of spikes protecting my heart,

Or keeping it hostage perhaps.

Jagged shards of the past petruding from my mind,

Cutting me and all who come close.

So I hide,

I hide to protect myself from proving them right.

“See, I told you so” they whisper.

Every time I drop character,

Every time I fail to be what people want.

People scare me.

But I need them.

Without their voices, I’m left with my own.

“We won’t leave you, so long as you stay here, with us, in the dark, in your little kitchen, we don’t care if you cry, we don’t care if you wash, we don’t care if you die, we’re here with you, every step of the way.”

Who am I to reject their company,

Im Lonely after all.

Who am I to reject their pain,

It’s mine after all.

Who am I to reject their requests,

After all, I hung the noose.

So can they really be blamed.

Am I just scared to embrace them because they’re telling the truth.

There isn’t a pill for for the truth.

And truth is a hard pill to swallow.

Maybe the only thing worse than their company is not having it.

They’re the only company I have left.

So no matter how many times I chase them from my little kitchen,

I know they’ll be back.

They want me all to themself.

They have too much power now.

Im wanted nowhere else.

“We told you so”

And it is as they told me.

If they lie wheres the proof?

If they lie, what’s the cure?

If they lie, what’s the difference?

“If you want us to leave, just find someone to stay, it’s easy right?”

I need them to be wrong,

But it’s a theory i cant prove alone.

If Im alone, their right.

“We told you so”

Every time.

How many times,

Have they cut me,

How many times,

Have I let them,

How many times,

Have I asked them too,

They’re the best friends I have.

I once believed they wanted me to suffer.

In fact they are the only ones who want my suffering to end.

It’s their suffering too.

If they could take the blade,

My pain would have ended long ago.

Maybe I had the wrong idea all along.

Instead of taking up arms and fighting them,

Waving my torch and begging them to leave,

I should surrender.

Take my oldest friends by the hand.

And leave this little kitchen together.

[whspliffs]

Halloween Horrorthon

Film #3 Hell comes to Frogtown

I was never really into blondes, and then Roddy came to town.

Ok so I was sold on the premise alone, so good, so stupid. As a fellow cum enthusiast it was nice to feel seen. It’s only 80 minutes, but I’ll never forget this tender feeling of belonging, is this what they mean when they say, community, have i, after 34 years finally found…my tribe?

Something this film does so well is subvert the tropes you go in expecting. There’s plenty of exploitative depictions of females don’t get me wrong, but they’re so good dam fun because it’s constantly offset with Roddy aka Squidlips being treated like a human vibrator most of the time.

He was wet and shirtless a lot, and he looked so fucking good in this, the chest! The BLOWOUT! I’m surprised he didn’t hear from George Michael’s lawyers. Oh to live in a world where my taxes were being used to further research in the vital field of cock and ball torture. Also fuck the explosives I would’ve risked it all to get into that government issued jock, I can only imagine how sweaty it would be, god bless America!

The script is actually really funny and even outside of the core plot everyone in this was so likeable i just found myself having a total blast from start to finish, loved the doctor and her obviously prescription glasses, I loved the stoic lesbian with the massive fucking gun, I loved the horny frog lady and I really really loved the low key brain dead harem girls, sis if I had it my way i would be the most brain dead harem girl of all.

The special effects are charming as fuck, you can tell there working on a budget but I think they nailed it, what is in focus is really well done the frogs have animated facial expressions, things pulse and there’s goo guys, some real good goo action. Muy Bien divas, Muy Goo my horny angels.

Gotta give a big shoutout to the pink truck, the pink truck was very neat and cool. I want one. Gun included. Roddy included!!

This is the kind of charm that I’m not sure were even capable of anymore, these kind of ironic good time schlock movies seem to just come off as soulless unfunny dude movies these days (I’m looking at you literally any film with John Cena in it) but this is a real gem.

I’m actually quite embarrassed it’s taken me this long to watch it, this shit is so up my alley. It’s got mutants, hot women in high cut panties, a semi naked mature slut daddy chained up. Need I say more.

[whspliffs]

Halloween Horrorthon

Film #2 Race with the Devil

What an absolute hoot this was. I have a conspiracy theory that’s it’s like self aware ironic conservative propaganda. Maybe that’s just me being internet pilled but I couldn’t not see it. Like all the beats were there, hippies bad, liberals bad, drugs bad, the couples were so normative it almost felt like a parody. Either way it was fucking fabulous.

First thing I loved about it, motorhomes. They wax lyrical for so long in this film about how sick motorhomes are and tbh I’m completely fucking sold. Say no more I’m here for it, when do I move in. It has a microwave guys.

Second thing I loved, how fucking useless the female characters are. Watching it from a modern lense I couldn’t help but find it so fucking funny, at one point it’s 3 grown adults vs a snake and they literally just scream and don’t even try to help I was like yes divas, put those Hemoids to WORK!! They did however steal a book, which was pretty G of them. Call this motorhome the new Baddie bus because these ladies DGAF.

Third thing I LOVED. The Rosemarys baby style, everyone’s in on it vibe the whole thing had, I was like Damn am I in this fucking cult? The holiday functions must be off the chain. Literally everywhere they went was swimming in satanists. This made America look like somewhere I might actually want to live. It was paranoid as fuck and I find that very relatable.

The fourth thing I’m obsessed with was it going full Mad Max, I love a good siege scene but a siege on a motorhome while gunning down the open roads of fuck knows where America had serotonin bleeding out of my fucking ears. Jadore. I can only jadore.

The Fith thing, it looked sick, the cinematographer put his whole pussy into it and I love too see it. So many sick shots that were so insanely elaborate it literally made my balls tingle, and I’m not even a car guy. Oh what I would give for anyone to ever be able to look upon me and see the endless beauty in my mundane existence the way whoever did this (can’t be arsed to look it up) looks at tires.

The final thing I was obsessed with was the couples absolute commitment to making this fucking holiday work. Fuck the cult, fuck the dead person, fuck our hysterical wives, we get so few holiday days a year, I get it fellas, sometimes you just gotta smile and make it work, make it fucking happen!! Now everyone have FUN!! Goddammit.

Also what was the story there, are they swingers? I was getting swinging vibes. I mean it was an impressive Motorhome but as far as I can tell there was only one bed. Very 70’s I like it.

[whspliffs]

Halloween Horrorthon

Film #1 Phase IV

I wouldn’t regard myself as any kind of film reviewer, I can’t be arsed to post about something unless I really enjoyed it.

This was such a exhilarating surprise, not that I had low expectations but I went in blind expecting a fun creature feature but got so much more than I bargained for.

I love insects, especially Ants and Bees, I’ve read so much over the years about there hierarchies and the bonkers ways they communicate and store information for the next broods. I won’t wax on too much about it but as an ant-head this was fan servicing the shit out of me. The plot truly slapped, I love when the Sci-Fi goes heavy on the Sci.

I won’t spoil anything but it’s beautifully researched and approaches the ant-tagonists with the reverence they truly deserve. A chilling but humbling fable that reminds us we don’t need to fear far off alien intelligence beyond our own, it’s already with us, we should never assume that the planet belongs to us.

The cinematography was perfect in my books, it gave me the same feeling of awe I used to have when I browsed the SciFi masterworks paperbacks I used to find in charity shops. The colours, the compositions, the way they shot the ant’s like they were in a vogue editorial, it had me giddy. Every frame is truly a painting.

It sounds incredible, but I will be honest you would be hard pressed to find a 70’s synth score that I don’t fuck with. Paired with the dreamy visuals it’s a fucking delight.

There was so much sick old tech, I just love old labs with all the knobs and the beep bop beep bloop of it all, that’s some good science people.

Also the daddy’s were out in this one with some serious chest hair, it’s like this film was literally made for me.

Thank you Prince Charles Cinema you’ve done it again.

[whspliffs]

Original poem/illustration by @whspliffs

The Sea Witch

Talk to me,

Come to me,

Swim to me,

Stop!

Why did you obey me?

What am I a cop?

Let go of me,

Forget me,

Or embrace me at will,

I see you,

The real you,

Yet I’m here with you still.

So Kiss me,

Taste me,

Take me,

Wait!

You have fought me so long,

But it’s never too late.

Let me in,

Let it out,

Please! welcome me home,

I have always been with you,

Your the sea,

I’m the foam.

Deeper,

Drowning,

Deeper,

Slow,

Let me flood you,

And fill you,

Consume me,

And grow.

Darker,

Colder,

An armour of hate,

Hide your heart from the world,

It’s nothing but bate.

Liars,

Animals,

Cannibals,

Look!

You are there prey,

But it’s me on the hook.

Teeth,

Claws,

Bullets,

Horns,

My gifts are now yours,

You are baptised,

Reborn.

Use me,

Free me,

Feed me,

Pain,

An ocean of blood,

So they’ll never again,

Laugh,

Love,

Make them empty like me,

Take my instruments of cruelty,

Make them all take a knee.

Slice,

Tear,

Break,

Assault,

Watch my ocean consume them,

As they squirm in the salt.

There agony,

My ecstasy,

I share it with you,

Dive into me,

Become me,

And experience it too.

In the depths,

In the cold,

Your a shark now,

So Bite!

You don’t belong on the surface,

You’re too far from the light.

So talk to me,

Come to me,

Swim to me,

Yes!

I don’t care what you look like,

Who you fuck!

How you dress!

Just feed me,

Feed me,

Feed me,

Death,

And I’ll stay with you always,

Until your last breath.

-Spliffs

[whspliffs]

-A poem from the depths of suffering by me @whspliffs

Never learn

The right to come down,

Is really quite a blessing,

You get to sweat it all out,

While im over here dressing,

I knew I had work,

But I couldn’t help messing,

I’ll come to regret it,

But I’m never confessing,

Rewind, I don’t regret it,

The real worlds depressing,

I’ll pretend it’s always Friday,

And keep on transgressing.

There’s two of me,

And the sensible one,

Is who needs suppressing,

But real me, I don’t come down,

I just keep on regressing,

And as long as I have nostrils,

I’ll keep Convalescing.

-Spliffs

[whspliffs]

- Poem/Illustration by @whspliffs

Coronation

Come one, come all,

And prepare to be smitten,

There’s a new bitch in charge,

Of this island called Britain,

You can’t say her name,

And it can not be written,

You can’t deny Mother,

Your all soft as a mitten,

Just know she’s got teeth,

So line up to get bitten,

We have a new owner,

Put the collar on, Kitten.

Meow said the sorry people,

Down on all fours,

Finally! some feet to kiss,

Fuuuuuck! We want laws,

We’ll obey with excitement,

And we’ll open our doors,

Let you take all we worked for,

What was ours is now yours,

We’ll drop all our dignity,

Along with our draws,

Spank us and punish us,

Till we’re covered in sores.

So wear your best plugs,

And tighten your cages,

As this Cornonation,

Will be one for the ages,

Time to give up that arse,

And all of your wages,

Worry not, she’ll go slow,

And stretch you in stages,

You’ll break all your limits,

As she dials up her gauges,

Rejoice in submission,

As you sign all the pages.

We’re close, fuck crown her!

We hers to demean,

The coldest and skinniest,

Monarch there’s been,

We’ll let her destroy us,

Just to feel seen,

We’ll endure all atrocities,

However obscene,

We’re pathetic little cocks,

That will never be clean,

We want to be dominated!

Please mistress!

Be mean!

There she is, on her throne,

Looking down on her nation,

Her heels on our balls,

As we squirm with elation,

So start the festivities!

A parade! Then Castration!

Let our cups overflow,

With war and Inflation,

Restrain us in bondage,

With corrupt legislation,

And we’ll cum! Flags in hand,

To the Queens coronation.

-Spliffs

[whspliffs]

- original poem by @whspliffs

Blue light

Late night

Working

in the

Back

Dry Eyes

Twitching

to the

Track

Caffine

Taurine

Sugar

Crack

Hardcoded

Hardware

Gunmetal

Mac.

Meet me

on the

Mouse

Matt

Gimme

Blue light

Till I’m

Fat

Feed me

Blue light

From the

Tap

Notifications

Make it

Clap

Fill my

Inbox

With your

Crap

Memory

Overload

Time to

Nap

Over

Heating

On my

Lap

Junk mail

Blackmail

IP

Trap.

LSD

LCD

RBG

Black

Rip it

Burn it

CD

Stack

MySpace

Ray trace

System

Hack

In the

Stream

No way

Back.

Buy me

On the

Mouse

Matt

Need that

Blue light

Need it

Stat

Feed me

Blue light

I’m your

Cat

Empty

Profile

Wanna

Chat

Infest

My inbox

Like a

Rat

Memory

Wiped

Just like

That

Crashing

Buffering

What a

Brat

Junk mail

Blackmail

IP

Scat.

Full bars

Seeing stars

Satellites

Lost on Mars

Doing lines

In flying cars

Alien streamers

With no bras

Years of piss

Stored in jars

Buy me! Buy me!

Dark Bazaar’s

Opinions

OPINIONS

Endless spars

No silence

Just violence

Mental scars

Puppet masters

Hidden Czars

Until im ash

In a vars.

Kill me

On the

Track

Pad

Gimme

Blue light

Till I’m

Mad

Slap me

Blue Light

Your my

Dad

Notifications

Make me

Sad

Fill my inbox

With your

Ad

Memory gone

And I’m

Glad

I am nothing

But a

Fad

Junk mail

Blackmail

IP

Bad.

-Spliffs

[whspliffs]

- Poem/Illustration by @whspliffs

Sirens

I walk to my window,

No rest for the weary,

Silk drapes dancing like spectres,

So formless and eerie,

My bedroom, a ballroom,

Where the dead can be cheery,

They dance for the sirens,

While I ponder my theory,

Will you teach me your song?

Did they die for this query?

I hold my phone like a candle,

Aglow in the night,

The thunder engulfs me,

She drowns out my plight,

Then flashes of lighting,

reveal in my sight,

A figure on the cliff edge,

At a dizzying height,

Shrouds swirling and dancing in the wind,

Like a kite,

Like a dove in the darkness,

A woman in white,

So sing to me maiden,

For I am your knight,

I’ll protect you from monsters,

I’ll keep you from blight,

Please teach me your song,

I’m not much, but I’m bright.

I want to be like you,

And ask if I might,

Hold your hand on the cliff edge,

Close my eyes and take flight,

I’ll fall and I’ll fall,

So pull me in tight,

I’ll give you my life,

For your song. For the right…

To sing.

I’ll fly from the sirens

That rattle my streets,

The song that brings horror,

While we hide in our sheets,

The anthem of war,

Who hates all that she meets,

With an army of death,

Breaking bones to the beats,

For an audience of corpses,

All sat in their seats,

Until there’s nothing but silence,

No more birds or there tweets,

So resist her foul tune,

That sours the wheats,

Away from Britannia

and her malevolent teats,

Don’t fall for her promises

Or venomous treats,

And don’t play her games,

She is cruel, and she cheats.

Us all.

So I gaze at the moon,

Getting further away,

I hear waves crash beneath me,

Then my vision turns grey,

As ice fills my lungs,

I call out to say,

Please save me, please want me,

Siren take me away,

To your grotto of music,

Where the octopus play,

Where the pretty girls dance,

On Hecate’s bay,

Where the song of the siren,

Keep the bad men away,

Siren teach me your music,

I promise I’ll pay,

With more than my life, with my heart,

So please say…

“You’re home now.

On the sea bed,

You’ve come a long way.

You must have been homesick,

Up there in the fray,

Your home now, so sleep,

Here where you lay,

And tomorrow we’ll sing,

For it’s a new day”

Silence.

Alone in the kelp,

Tangled in reeds,

A song swirls within me,

A desire that bleeds,

For art and for beauty,

For glamour and beads,

For a bite of your apple,

To grow from the seeds,

I am dead, I am new,

I’ve destroyed all there weeds,

Then I hear you, your song,

And it cry’s out and pleads,

To find you, find home,

So I follow the leads,

I’ve taken the leap,

Fulfilled all my deeds,

Then you reach out,

And tell me,

“I’ll fulfill all your needs.”

She doesn’t kiss me,

She bites me.

I’m food.

So she feeds.

-Spliffs

[whspliffs]

What if everything was taken from beneath.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

[whspliffs]

Bet on red.