whynotstarburstdance

Thoughts of consciousness, life, love and all things awesome.

[whynotstarburstdance]

Grateful

Do not dwell so much on the before

that you miss the beauty of the now

and the lessons learned, that can be applied to the future, 

God willing. 

[whynotstarburstdance]

7.19.20

When your heart hurts in the moment it feels like it will never end.. 

I have faith though and I have hope, about feeling better. 

Most things are not beyond repair. 

Staying optimistic :) 

[whynotstarburstdance]

A Great Mission

I sent you a mission in the dark of night because I knew if I told you in the light of day you might tell the kingdom. And the kingdom would have an uproar and would try to keep you from leaving. 

I say not to fear the kingdom having negative thoughts of you or hating you, for I am keeping the kingdom, holding it up, healing it and keeping it safe. The kingdom will never hate you. 

I say be free and move through this mission with ease and grace and with confidence in me.

Focus on the mission I gave you and do not dwell on the kingdom. I know you love and care for the kingdom. Yet if you dwell on it too much you will get distracted from the mission and you might fall backwards. Do not worry, I say, the kingdom loves you and cares for you too. I will give the kingdom understanding and grace. 

You can continue on your mission knowing that the kingdom will be well taken care of while you are away. Do not have anxiety or fear, everything will be fine.

Yours truly, 

The Most High 

[whynotstarburstdance]

For the kingdom of peace and love

I feel like a queen announcing to the entire kingdom “Enough! of this foolishness! I am leaving and I will not return unless order is brought

back to this land.” “Otherwise I will seek out counsel for many years 

and a new kingdom will be brought to me and order and peace and love 

will prevail, under God’s laws and all will be humble before Him!” 

I have been set out a new mission of compassion and wisdom and I 

must follow it all of my days, to receive the glory awaiting me.

When you are given clear instruction from the most high

you must follow it or fool yourself

and I am no fool, yet a humble queen awaiting her rightful place.

Unfailingly I will listen, act accordingly and for it I will be 

greatly rewarded. 

[whynotstarburstdance]

all the bright places

I am sitting here watching a movie and I imagine how nice it would be to be with you right now

the movie is good, you would like it I think

it reminds me of the beginning of us, when everything was possible

I never asked you to tell me a secret and I did not stop to ask you about your hidden pain. I wish I would have taken a moment to ask you more questions.

We were so wrapped up in the happy. That isn't a bad thing. 

I just have so many questions and I think they are best asked sitting in the grass somewhere far away or lying on the floor together under a blanket in the night 

In a world our own where nothing can harm it, where there is no threat 

and we could be completely free

I wish you were here and at the same time I don't

I want to be somewhere very far away, from everything and everyone, with you

and I want to laugh and I want to feel free

In my mind we can go there and maybe in reality we can too

One day.

[whynotstarburstdance]

April 22nd

Something joyful happened yesterday in the mist of this gloom

Something terrible happened today in the mist of this gloom

Life is like that

One day something inspiring and exciting is happening

The next day it’s a tragedy 

That is life though

“Beauty and Terror” as Rainer Maria Rilke put it

“Just keep going. No feeling is final.”

“Don’t let yourself lose me.” 

He was writing about God 

“Give me your hand.” he wrote

I am taking God’s hand and never letting go.

No matter the circumstance. 

No matter how beautiful or ugly it gets.  

[whynotstarburstdance]

No Title

It seems really crazy yet I don't really know what I want to do with my life or even how I am going to get there. I know what I love yet I am not sure what I want to do with it or how to find where I am meant to be in all of it. The only thing I can think of is to do what I can and be patient with the rest. I just want to live a life that feels meaningful. I want to feel alive you know? 

[whynotstarburstdance]

It’s Been A Minute

Hi, Hello, HIYA, Its been a minute, I mean a real minute, what has it been, 6 months? Half a year?! Wow. That can happen to us right? Time really keeps moving, meanwhile seasons are changing, you're leaving a job, starting school and catching up with people you hadn't spoke to in 6 years. Life really is amazing like that. Anyway I’m just hear to update you on the currents. Recently finished a Biology class with a 4.0 grade point average ( yay! it wasn't easy ), in the process of going back to school ( broadcast journalism! whoop! ) and I have a dance performance in a couple weeks with a very good friend of mine. All things considered, its been a good 2019 and things are looking up. I also had a birthday in October, and while I don't feel much different, I do feel good about my journey thus far. Alright that’s about it, over and out! 

Also I hope your 2019 treated you well and if not, don't fret, only 14 more days of December and then new adventures await! Treat yourself kindly, take it slow, talk it out and remember to SLEEP! its so undervalued and extremely important :) 

[whynotstarburstdance]

Time

You ever think about time and how quickly it moves. I have a performance today at 7pm and I thought about it so many times and how far away it felt when I was first asked by my friend to be apart of her piece. Now it’s 6:16am meaning its 12 hrs and 44 minutes away. Soon it will be 12pm, when I blink again it will be 4.

 I thought about this yesterday because there are all these moments and there have been so many moments in my life and I wonder did I really relish them? Even the in between moments when you are making your bed or drinking some water from your kitchen, or tying your gym shoes before leaving your apartment. Those moments are really special and precious and easily loose value partly because of the society we live in. 

Basically we are told that our lives or time does not matter as much if we are not as productive or making as much money as our other fellow humans. The dreams we have, our call to find purpose, our personal legend, while all very important I believe, greatly shadows our every day life, the moments in between. They get taken for granted and are rarely noticed because we move through them so quickly. It is easy to not think of these moments as great because we are all usually moving towards a goal and in pursuit of that we almost want to move out of these “ordinary” moments to get to the great exciting ones.

Well I want to be here and appreciate them. Be grateful for being able to sit at my golden yellow chair and type at my computer and then go put on my indoor shoes, walk down the hall and put my laundry in the dryer. Come back and sit and breathe while just looking at my wall. These moments have life too and have beauty and excitement, if you can only let yourself be fully in it. There is much more to discover in time... if we take the time... to be. 

[whynotstarburstdance]

Vices

I have a vice. or a few. One is sugar, another is carbs ( like tortilla chips, sometimes Cheetos ) and finally tv. I use all three to hide, to runaway, to comfort, to get lost in something else. Otherwise I would have to let go, have to change and let myself be. Let myself be who I want and that is scary because it comes with change and change is scary. I mean I don't know the future and what if it doesn't go as I want it to? Then what? What if I put in 100% effort and don't get my dreams? Then what? Yet you never know until you do it and staying in the same place is maddening and gets you nowhere. Resisting change is never a good idea and usually ends poorly. Better to, as they say, “lean in” but like actually do it. Softly lean into letting go, into feeling, into free falling. I promise you won't hit a hard ground, you’ll float into possibilities. 

Until next time <3 

[whynotstarburstdance]

Its funny

Its funny it seems like only yesterday you were helping me in class, asking me if I was okay from outside the bathroom stall. “ Lauren, this is Claire, are you okay?” you said. Seems like only yesterday you were standing outside class watching us. And when I would notice you I realized, or thought to myself, I have an audience. And in that moment I did all I could to show you I had the chops, that I could do this thing, this professional dancer thing, if only someone would see it and give me a chance. I still can't believe it. Seems unreal that I am here and you aren’t. Seems odd. It makes me very sad and yet... I feel the greatest privilege to have known you at all. An enigma you were to me at times. In the best of ways of course. Mysterious, at times stern, loving and formidable. I miss you.

Its also very early and very late. 3:12 am, make of that what you will. 

[whynotstarburstdance]

Be Still

Your best friend and your love, they are out there. 

On the other side of your control. 

Let go and have faith.

The end.

<3 always 

[whynotstarburstdance]

HIIIIYYYYAAA

HIYA! More like Hiya! vs HI-Yah! ( karate chop! ) Alright, now that we have that all sorted out, how are you? How are you feeling? How is your heart? How do you feel at night, right before you go to sleep? Or do you sleep? Hopefully you do. It’s really no fun not to be able to sleep. Anyway I ask because I am wanting to gage everyone else’s emotions. It is easier than doing so for myself, granted that would be smart... so okay let me do it!

 Right now I am feeling pretty good since I ate a sensible and yummy dinner I made myself. Now before you go thinking I am a chef ( or maybe you would never think that ) I made a salad of baby kale baby spinach, evoo, lemon and seasonings and I sautéed a clean high protein veggie burger and topped it with perfectly ripe ( so satisfying ) avocado slices and horseradish mustard. I also did a little light exercise ( a plank, Russian twists, leg lifts and “girl” pushups. ) As far as my heart, well I am thinking about this more and more often these days. I am realizing that even while going after my dreams and working a job that is 75% good with people that are 90% great, there is something missing and I have a few ideas. 

One, that I am lonely from having no close, call you at any time, hangout at least twice a week, have brunch every weekend, Sex and The City type friends ( minus the crazy fashion and moolah and NYC that I don't care for anyway ) and that two, I don't have a boyfriend, a partner, a best friend who loves me and lifts me up after a long day of dancing and working and talks with me about my thoughts of worrying about whether I will ever “make it” and will I ever make enough money to actually pay off my student loans and travel, or SAVE?! Who would console me, hug me, tell me everything will be okay and to keep working hard and believe in myself ( yada yada , yet in sincerity. ) 

With all this being said, I guess the only thing to do right now is to keep moving ( physically and emotional head space-y ) to keep the faith ( thank you God for everything, even these sad, slightly crisis feeling moments ) and to take care of myself in the best way I can ( get enough sleep, laugh a lot and appreciate your family. ) 

I don't know if anyone else feels like me or if you all are riding high on a unicorn rainbow cloud ( which if you are, is there room for one more?! ) whatever you are facing in life at this moment, take stock of it, pay attention and breathe. ( that is what I am attempting to do at least ) Oh heck, lets just throw caution to the wind and say I’M DOING IT. Whoop that feels good :) 

Love,

Figuring it out. <3

[whynotstarburstdance]

Blah Blah Sad

So not too long ago I was crying and it felt good, a release of pent up emotions most likely, the brave face only works for so long until your truth has to be revealed because that is how the soul works I guess. You can not out run your truth, your issues, your loneliness, or your energy. It will all meet you where ever you go and it will hit you at the strangest of moments, like on a perfectly calm Wednesday evening when you are deciding whether to go to Whole Foods and buy some snacks or go back to the gym and meditate in a steam room that smells of Eucalyptus ( which is bomb and so relaxing. def the best part of the gym.) Any way all this is to say that you have to face yourself and you owe it to yourself to listen and answer the call. No matter how scary or unknown what might happen next. You do not need to know the path to take the steps... is all I am saying. 

Love,

Working to take my own advice 

[whynotstarburstdance]

Short and Sweet

You pray all the time right?

Yes.

Well I’ll leave you with this; How can you hear what God is saying when you are always talking? There is nothing you can say, he hasn't already heard.

Wow.. true. 

Listen, listen, listen. Namaste. :) 

[whynotstarburstdance]

#Lolla

HI! So yeah I meant to write about this a couple days ago yet I got busy, distracted, etc. Any who! I went to Lolla for the first time ever, this year, with my work and it was surprisingly great! I usually am not down with huge crowds of people yet I was with two awesome coworkers ( Natalie and Miles ) and I got to have fun the whole time and then more fun. There were very interesting outfits ( or lack there of ), lots of super friendly Aussie’s and beautiful people of Asian decent, and a bunch of happy ping pong players ( we are a ping pong lounge ). Also a few of my other awesome coworkers ( Gavin and another Natalie ) were there as well and enjoying themselves. I walked through a misting fan ( which is actually a lot cooler than it sounds lol), danced and basically acted a fool with Nat and Miles and fully enjoyed all the happiness and exuberance around me. In the evening we all went to Arctic Monkeys show and it was AWESOME and even more awesome, was the company and the togetherness we shared after working together for 5 straight hours in the heat. Hmm the wristbands were also really cool and we all got dope t-shirts that ( Jaylin ) my other amazing coworker personalized for me because he is dope ( just like my shirt ) 

Over and Out... Until next year!

[whynotstarburstdance]

#2

Its day 23 out of 365. It is a good day so far. I woke up around 6 and had lemon water, went back to rest until 7:20, and now here I am typing this. It will be a fun day today. I am working at a music festival and granted large crowds aren’t my favorite, I am still looking forward to it. Last night was good too. I took a long walk and I treated myself to raw tiramisu and organic green grapes and 6 month aged manchego cheese and it was all quite wonderful. This morning as I worked to quiet my brain and heart and hear Jesus and God, I keep coming back to a message of surrender and let go. Let go of where I believe I am supposed to be, let go of the wonder or worry of when I’ll find a mate and let go of wondering about the future and money and grand success. Right now, all I can do is focus on the present gift that I have: life. Right now. So as I go I will think about all this and I will meditate. Someone I am getting to know meditates a lot and I think I ought to give it a go. Who knows. It might reveal things to my heart that I have been waiting to hear for a while. Alright here is to a good day full of a lot of gratitude. 

Amen. 

Over and Out. <3