How do I life?

Just a blog. 

[just-shower-thoughts]

Humans made up the concept of “dog years” as a way to keep from being sad that dogs die young.

[whythehellnotstartablog]

my mood goes zero to one hundred real quick. 

[whythehellnotstartablog]

thank you sophomore year

the semester is almost done, and here I am finishing up my second year of college and thinking “wow, I survived.” How? It’s incredible to think about the amount of stress, heartbreak, and joy that i’ve felt in two semesters. All i can think is that I made it. I literally survived what felt like hell, and I’m not quite sure how I did it. All I know is that I did, I made it through some of the hardest times of my life, I survived through the emptiness I felt in my heart, and I sit here crying because I made it. 

It’s incredible to think that I lived through losing my best friend, my lover, the one person I always want to be around. I survived through the lonely nights, where I cried without end, and although I still hurt, I’m alive. 

I’ve made the biggest mistakes ever this past year, yet I am alive. I’ve hurt those that I love, and those who cherish me, I’ve been selfish, and although there is a lot of change I must overcome, I am alive. 

So, at the end of the day, the one thing sophomore year has taught me is that I am alive, and I’ve made it through some major shit, and even though I’m a little broken, I’m alive. Brighter days will come. 

[whythehellnotstartablog]

I've become what I hate.

And you did this to me.

[whythehellnotstartablog]

I hate everything, i hate myself and you.

[volcainist]

do you ever say something so bitchy that you’re like damn i need to chill lol

[whythehellnotstartablog]

Am I that unlovable?

[whythehellnotstartablog]

letters to my ex

it’s currently 2:50 in the morning and I can’t stop thinking about you. 

it’s been two months, technically one month, but we both knew it was over a month prior to the actual break up so I say its two months. 

It would be so much easier if I just hated you. but I don’t hate you, which makes things so much harder on me. 

i’ll see you in 12 days, when move in day occurs and i’m dreading it, dreading the way my heart will drop to the pit of my stomach as soon as I see you. the way i’ll pretend i didn’t see you and i’ll just walk away. 

you’ll remain unaffected, you always were so unaffected by everything, “these things happen” you would say. 

i know our break up wasn’t my fault, nor was it yours. we just aren’t meant to be. but that kills me inside, i wanted it to be you. so badly. but it’s not you. 

you said, “i just don’t want a serious relationship” and then you told me you loved me, something I had said to you but you didn’t say to me. the first time you told me you loved me was the last time you will ever tell me you love me. 

am I that unlovable? that you had to do when we were breaking up and not five months into our relationship and I said I loved you and you just looked into my eyes and said “I just can’t say it back right now.” I accepted it, i understood. But you never understood me. I was always so scared that you didn’t love me because of the way I am. yet I felt comfortable enough to bare myself to you. 

i miss the way you would hold me when i cried, the way you would look when you woke up in the mornings. the way you carried yourself, the way you made me so much more confident in myself. the way you kissed me and called me baby. 

i don’t know if i miss you or our relationship.  

[whythehellnotstartablog]

love.

it makes me kind of angry when people say “you never loved me” to someone that once told them that they loved them. 

as a culprit of doing this myself, it angers me that i’ve done this because maybe this person though that they did love you but then they realized that they didn’t and thats not their fault. it’s no ones fault if the love just isn’t there, you can’t blame them for that. 

you just have to think that in the moment, they probably thought they did love you and you can’t blame them for that. 

side note: if this person was completely shitty to you, and did shit that hurt you and then came back and told you they loved you then you have every right to say that they never loved you because you should do your best to not hurt the people that you love. #fuckthatbitch 

[whythehellnotstartablog]

i’m a pile of dry bones.

[whythehellnotstartablog]

Unhappiness.

I’m a strong believer that one single person cannot bring all the happiness you need. Sure, they can give you happy moments, and they can accompany you in life but they will never make you completely happy. 

I often times forget this fact - I let myself think that if I have this specific person, than I will finally be happy. 

However, there will always be a little piece of you in your heart that is missing. An incomplete happiness per say. This is when we blame our partner for not making us happy when it’s not them. it’s you. You who were putting all this pressure on someone to make you happy and when they dissappoint you, because they will, you just blame them for everything. We are humans, our imperfections are perfect but we cannot base our happiness on one sole person. I believe in a high power, God, that will truly make us happy. I know i’m probably wrong and you can point out the many ways that I am incorrect. 

But I needed to write this out - for me. 

[whythehellnotstartablog]

January 8th, 2015

I have this feeling, it's really weird and it freaks me out. It freaks me out because it's a feeling that something is going to go wrong. Something good, is just going to crash and burn. 

I can't help but wonder if it's just me being paranoid and untrusting but I just can't deal with this feeling. 

Things always crash and burn somehow, but from the ashes arises the most beautiful flowers. I just hate the crash and burn part - the pain, the sorrow. All of it. Freaks me out. 

why am i so scared? 

[whythehellnotstartablog]

What to do

Okay I said I wanted to write this blog regularly - obviously that didn't happen. But who cares, no one reads this. 

Anyways, hello internet. How are you doing? I'm pretty terrible myself glad we are all on the same page. Why am I terrible you ask? Well, I have no idea. A week ago my life was okay, I had a great boyfriend and we didn't have problems, I was ending my first semester in college, my roommate was being a regular bitch but that is to be expected, my friends and I were great. Life was just okay. 

Today, however, things are much more different. You see I still have a boyfriend - I have no idea if he's still great since all of this drama happened because of his ex girlfriend (yay her!) and I'm waiting for my professors to put in their grades and I'm dying with anxiety. If my grades are terrible, well then my life is terrible. Probably the only good thing going on is me not having to see my terrible roommate and me sleeping in my own bed. 

I think the purpose of this blog post is to say - never let a boy or girl ruin your day. What's the point? I'm a strong believer in the idea that if you two are meant to be than it'll happen. If not, oh well you'll find someone better. 

I can't stand it when girls get extremely upset because their boyfriend continuously cheats on them or when boys get mad because their girlfriend is whoring around. Paramore's wise words are: Once a whore, you're nothing more, I'm sorry that'll never change. Paramore is obviously correct, I mean hello. If he cheats, he will most likely continue, drop him like a hot cake. 

This post was useless, I just needed to talk things out. I apologize, better quality text posts will come soon. BYEEE. 

[whythehellnotstartablog]

The first of many.

Hello my lovely darlings, 

I am writing this to no one in particular, but to everyone in general (if that makes sense). Today, September 14, 2014, I decided to create a blog where I could talk about anything. 

So today, I sit here from my little dorm room in the College I attend and I try to figure out how to write a blog and I also contemplate the meaning of life. So excuse me if I'm really bad at this. 

Which is some deep shit bro. 

Have you ever experienced a moment when you're not sure what the hell it is you're doing with your life? Yes? Okay cool, me too. It's all good, we all have those days I suppose and honestly, It feels like I'm making a mess of things. But you know what the beauty of life is? No? I have a theory, the beauty of life is that everything will be okay, everything in life turns out to be okay even though right now it seems like life fucking sucks. Which it does, BUT no one said it would be easy. 

All that i'm trying to say, is that if you're reading this right now, feeling the way that I'm feeling (like what the hell am I doing with my life?) then I'm here to say that I have faith that everything will be okay, and that you and I will be okay. Hopefully you have faith too. 

See you soon.