β Β strap in βcause this one is rough. Β β
β Β itβsβ itβs yucky. Β β
β Β iβm aware of some details of this and itβsβ itβs yucky. Β β
β Β iβm not a gambling man, but i donβt really like those odds. Β β
β Β we could conceivably run into this guy taking a dump in the woods or something. Β β
β Β are you fucking out of your mind? Β β
β Β iβm starting to think you want to die. Β β
β Β you turned a corner on that one pretty quick. Β β
β Β oh my god, itβs fucking horrifying. Β β
β Β thereβs an elk, though. thereβs a deer over there. Β β
β Β hereβs the remains and rubble of one of the greatest unsolved mysteries of all time and youβre looking at the fucking deer in the forrest. Β β
β Β maybe they were in there telling ghost stories. Β β
β Β thatβs not what pillow talk is, i donβt think. Β β
β Β pillow talk could either mean something you do after sex or it could mean whatβs like sleepover talk. Β β
β Β do you tell ghost stories after sex? Β β
β Β all very effective forβ for murder. Β β
β Β they stabbed him so hard that the knife bent. Β β
β Β you would think that thereβd be at least one witness. Β β
β Β you see someone running through the forrest covered in blood, youβre probably not gonna bat an eye. Β β
β Β thatβs not how the forrest works. Β β
β Β excuse me, sir. why are you covered in blood? Β β
β Β iβm glad to know that you would be the worst crime scene witness of all time. Β β
β Β oh, you were phrasing it in a dramatic way. Β β
β Β what is it about killersβ that they want to be caught so badlyβ¦ or like they want to get as close to being caught without being caught? Β β
β Β i canβt put my mind into the mind of a criminal. Β β
β Β i can put my mind into the mind of a criminal. Β β
β Β some of them must be friends, others would like to plunge knives into each other. Β β
β Β i can imagine one friend of yours murdering you. Β β
β Β iβm pretty sure there was a coverup by the police department. Β β
β Β 70β²s and 80β²s police were always just like, βoh, you murdered someone? you got forty bucks?β Β β
β Β great! what else do you want?! i murdered people for you! and nowβ¦ what? Β β
β Β oh, so iβm the psycho cause i murdered for you!? Β β
β Β what, the police were just writing fan fiction? Β β
β Β this is just baffling to me. Β β
β Β i guess thatβs their job, but can you imagine how much goddamn paperwork is involved in that? so much! Β β
β Β iβm pretty sure weβre being watched, so i kind of wanna leave, to be honest. Β β
β Β iβve had enough of this place and i havenβt even been here that long. i hate this place. Β β
β Β this boogeyman is very thorough. Β β
β Β i guess weβre lucky he got lazy. Β β
β Β the greatest safety precautions of our time are written in blood. Β β
β Β i think theyβre tired of this ongoing saga that never ends. Β β
β Β you know, i actually disagree with that last sentiment. Β β
β Β this is like straight-up end of days shit going on. Β β
β Β this couldβve been the beginning of the zombie apocalypse, in my mind. Β β
β Β iβve daydreamed about having an amazing bunker that has satellite tv. Β β
β Β βbad advilβ sounds like a shitty indie band. Β β
β Β the wild west was the 80β²s. Β β
β Β in the 80β²s you could walk in a store, pocket a soda, punch a guy in the face, and then be like βsee ya later. fuck you!β cops wouldnβt get to your door for weeks. Β β
β Β he had books that were just titled βhow to crimeβ? if he had a book called βhow to crimeβ then thereβs your guy. Β β
β Β oh, yeahβ¦ nah, iβm good. eh, bit of a reach. Β β
β Β some old lady in florida bought the unabomberβs typewriter? Β β
β Β maybe this guy was really in the dog house and was just desperate for any kind of turn of affection from her so he thought, βi know that iβll do! iβll write the fbi!β Β β
β Β no, i didnβtβ what, is there anything to suggest that i would chase my mom with an axe? Β β
β Β i think you wear a mask sometimes. Β β
β Β maybe you should keep digging and see what happens. Β β
β Β these are two messed up weirdos who have found each other and itβs almost a shockingly beautiful love story. Β β
β Β i donβt get it. i just wanna talk about my work and everyone just keeps seeming to bring up all my past of all the shitty stuff iβve done. Β β
β Β ugh, this guyβs gross. Β β
β Β it mustβve been fun to be a criminal in the 80β²s. Β β
β Β everything before the 80β²s β just lawless. Β β
β Β get your sunglasses ready because this one is packed full of bright stars. Β β
β Β iβm good to go. iβm always ready, baby! Β β
β Β it came true so she was actually warranted in all these fears. Β β
β Β this would be like if you were eaten by a shark. Β β
β Β i thought for a second we were talking about things that are actually scary. Β β
β Β iβm gonna let this slide because i know youβre just trying to get a rise out of me. Β β
β Β does that man have a magical penis or something? Β β
β Β you think the only reason someone would go back to someone is because they have a magical penis? Β β
β Β i feel like divorce is probably a lot of work. Β β
β Β do you not know how love works? Β β
β Β maybe i donβt know how love works. Β β
β Β i have a hard time imagining someone going gaga over christopher walken. Β β
β Β i bet when you get in a room with christopher walken, he commands the space. Β β
β Β i brought some cocktail weenies. Β β
β Β one of my greatest fears is that someone will trick me into doing heroin. Β β
β Β thatβs the dumbest fear iβve ever heard in my life. Β β
β Β how many situations can you be in that would put you up to that potential danger? Β β
β Β how many parties are you going to where heroinβs involved? it seems like a lot. Β β
β Β itβs the fear that someone would come up to me on the street and put heroin in me and then iβm hooked forever. Β β
β Β hereβs what mustβve happenedβ¦ these forty things, in succession. Β β
β Β what are you trying to do, fuck my wife? Β β
β Β why would he make this up? Β β
β Β heβ he was just trying to fuck someones wife. Β β
β Β i canβt imagine murdering someone even when drunk. Β β
β Β when you drink you can imagine murdering someone?! Β β
β Β i ate a pumpkin once when i was drunkβ¦ i just took a bite out of a pumpkin. Β β
β Β thatβs a rational fear! Β β
β Β that is not a rational fear! Β β
β Β these are the musings of a paranoid man. Β β