Yeah, but I don't want to be with a man.
Nor do I want my "change" for (or because of) a man -- or my success being because of, or given by a man.
I want that one thing for me.
I want to be responsible for creating my own happiness.
I understand God is the one who gives anything I receive relating to my destiny, but also...what about what I have to do; the work and dedication to my dreams and goals -- in also making my happiness happen? I play a huge part in creating my own happiness while I simultaneously team up with God for His guidance and redemption throughout the process.
And that's the thing...to trust the process, I need to be allowed the time it takes for that process to complete without having a man (or men) perpetually bombarding me virtually (or in reality) for love and ships and all that stuff.
I can't do that right now. I'm not in the right place in my life to commit myself to something like that atm.
God gives, but I am still responsible for being happy on my own. I don't want that to be something a man gives me, I want to allow God to help me give that to myself.
Then, and only then will I be in a healthy, loving, and caring place to reciprocate that kind of mutual, mature, respectful, tender love to someone.
I'm not giving credibility for my personal growth and the reason for my inner happiness to anyone but me because that is exactly what I've already been doing my entire life.
Depending on a man for my supposed existence...my miserable existence because I never really took any real time for myself and making my life what I truly desired it to be.
So, for now...it's like this because this is how I feel. I don't want to be involved with a man -- not even my own husband.
Not in the virtual world, not in real life. I don't want to live with a man. I don't want to attempt to fulfill all the irrational expectations a man has of me every day.
I don't want to cohabitate with a man, wake up to a man, or share a bedroom or bed with a man. I don't want to be the on-call holes he pokes or gropes or taps or slaps. I don't want to see him as the last thing before I fall asleep at night.
I need some time for myself. Time to grow and figure out who I am all over again and make amends with my past and heal from the painful baggage that has plagued me since forever...and I can't do that while a man is expecting me to attend to his needs of happiness stemming from the expectations he has of me.
I'm not ready for that. I'm in the PROCESS OF HEALING.
I haven't fully healed yet so you need to step back and allow that to happen. Because true love does that stuff. If it sees by holding something is harming or killing it, then the kind and loving thing to do is set it free. You need to do that with me. Because until I'm free and on my own, I'll never learn to let love in again. I'll never be able to feel love again...and I do miss that feeling of love...but also...
I've learned some things about myself in the last year...my details 💯
I like sleeping by myself.
I like having the covers all for me.
I like waking up to sunshine instead of grief.
I like being able to do what I want when I want how I want and not having to answer to any one man in particular.
I like being free from the obligation of tending to a man's sexual needs.
I desire freedom and independence more than I desire a man...and I just need the universe to please understand that.
baratheonpilled
blakekathryn
