Wide awake in bed, words in my head

This is where i put the quiet thoughts. she/her.

[wideawakewords]

a space for the majority; a space for those who can “learn” from diversity put around them and crawl back to their own privileged worlds at the end of the night

savage and i love it (http://williamsrecord.com/2017/04/19/bleaching-our-shirts-beginning-a-dialogue-on-the-ja-system/)

[theorydictatespractice-deactiva]

[wideawakewords]

honestly i’m as glad as i can be about choosing to rewatch all of the Wizards of Waverly Place eps these past weeks because Alex is a flawed human being and legit doesn’t bother to do her work and can be so selfish but i love her so much anyway and like... obviously she isn’t the ideal but she reminds me that all people have value and can be loved 

[wideawakewords]

lmmmao i h8 myself

[wideawakewords]

soo like i have shitty grades in 3 of my classes (3rd marking periods a l w a y s suck and my work ethic is like 0 and chem is ruining my life) but i think i learned how not to let my grades define me, and tbh im proud of myself not even for doing my best (bc tbh i haven’t) but for just finding the strength to do it at all

(also i’m kinda a superior bitch and i think i fully realized that people who get bad grades aren’t dumb, just that tests can be hard and life in general is hard)

[wideawakewords]

cried almost every day this week :):):):)::)::):):):)

[wideawakewords]

whenever i gain weight i also gain boobage but like... i’m gonna lose the weight and therefore the boobage will be gone as well eventually and so new bras are not a sound investment but for now if i stay in my bras for more than 12 hours there’s real pain and i ripped one the other day :/

[wideawakewords]

lemme just say that going from a place where a 1310 on an SAT practice test is bad (in my own standards) and then rlly good (in the standards of my SAT prep course teacher and the other students in the class - which makes sense bc it was a diagnostic) and then awful (when my dad found out) is v jarring and i would not recommend!!!

[wideawakewords]

i honestly hate Spencer asking Toby to kiss her goodbye so much because it gives me weird flashbacks to Meredith’s ‘Pick me. Choose me. Love me.’ speech in Grey’s Anatomy and i remember reading Ellen Pompeo hated that speech and i didn’t love the sentiment behind it either. and Spencer’s goodbye kiss is different; she isn’t imploring Toby to love her... but she knows Yvonne wouldn’t be okay with the kiss and i feel like Spencer should know that the boundaries between exes like her and Toby can’t get too fuzzy because they do still love each other, they’ll always love each other and they shouldn’t indulge and feel gratuitous pain. 

but the other thing is.... Spencer’s been instructing herself to keep her walls up and her eyes on the prize for her whole life, and Toby helped her become a little less guarded and afraid. Honestly if Aria had asked for a goodbye kiss i would be flat out annoyed at her... i don’t know

[wideawakewords]

so. i’ve been not myself a little bit lately. i tend to take on the personalities of the people around me (just generally: if the person makes a lot of jokes i joke a lot, if they’re sarcastic i am) and today i was mean.

and the thing is i love almost everyone. like there are maaybe 7 people who i don’t like and other than that i generally have a high opinion of everyone and i hate to be mean to their face or to their back and today i was mean to someone who i’ve idealized before’s face and i feel stuck like in sylvia plath’s poem daddy where she goes ‘ich ich ich’ because she can’t speak but or get a sentence out and i have so much stuff to do that won’t get done and i just need to stop borrowing other people’s traits and consistently be my own person

[wideawakewords]

i want to

[wideawakewords]

i want to scream scream scream scream

[wideawakewords]

i am a very bitter human being

[wideawakewords]

can chuck and sarah just not be interested in each other maybe then i wouldn’t have anxiety every time i watch this show

[wideawakewords]

something i actually wrote in my journal today: ‘also, Jenny Humphrey is annoying me.’

i don’t understand her???? 

[wideawakewords]

i have so much respect for my mother. Despite my father having a job where 95% of his conversations are in english and my mother not working, she’s so much quicker to understand and respond in english because of all of her experience day to day in conversation with native english speakers and she often translates for my dad

[wideawakewords]

I don't want to be overly possessive but like my sister said a few weeks ago when we were ordering a second tennis racket bc I was using hers to practice and she was leaving for college that she should get the new racket (which she'd use like maybe once a week???) and my sister and I use different face washes and my mom wants me to give some to her when I talked to her abt getting more because I ran out and like it's not my fault you think she doesn't use great face washes I'm fine with people borrowing things but like I don't have that much stuff I value and I value my skincare routine and my tennis stuff (I also got new tennis shoes and they're 😍) and I hate when people casually think they aren't mine and somehow my desires for them are inapplicable