Sitting here right now wondering what to say to you and there's about a million things running though my mind. I don't even know where to start.
I just got off the phone with you, I asked if you would be home tonight or at your girlfriends... You didn't even deny that she was your girlfriend.. I said that I wanted to give you something but make sure that you were alone before I did. I have shared some of our experiences with the world but never intended to share this with you... I could hear people in the background so I could tell you were out. Im surprised you actually picked up after the other night. I am not sure if you could tell I was crying because you said you would still talk if needed but I just had to hang up before more tears came.
This was something that I did during your deployment to help me and help others going through the same thing. Occasionally, I came back and put updates and replied to messages from people but I hardly went on here. Today I did though. Thats because I know tomorrow could be one of the last times I see you... I ask you to read this post and then read from the bottom up, start at day one. Relive what we have gone through as a couple, laugh at our good times, smile at the photos and memes, take it all in one last time before completely letting go. Then please never say again that I didn't love you, or that I didn't love you enough because I did. I love you and I still do.
I apologize for Wednesday. That was extremely out of my character. I have come so far from when we were together earlier this year. However, seeing that person living in our home that we were making killed me inside. It filled me with rage. After all the lying and fighting that he brought out in us. Knowing that he's back in your life and gets to have you as a friend and I don't get to have you as a husband hurts. I truly feel that when our marriage started to go down hill is when everything happened with him. I never was able to work though those emotions. So Wednesday, everything came back up, raw anger and hurt. I was so hurt. I am still hurt. I know you, and when you said that I couldn't go to the home we shared together I knew there was something wrong. Should I have respected what you wanted, yes. However, I needed to know. I needed to understand why. I could have saved myself all of this hurt. You could have saved me from it too by just telling me. We both made mistakes. Then you didn't answer my calls, texts, or anything... The rage built, you poured gas on my fire, and you knew what you were doing. Because you know me and know that by ignoring me, and trying to “make me be patient” in a situation drives me insane. I always wanted to be a private investigator, and truly would be good at it. So when I finally found where you were there was no stopping me. My mom was a victim that night, she didn't know what my intuitions where when I left the house. I just had to talk to you, try and understand why. I did not care about anything or anyone else in the moment. I wanted answers from you because that was probably the most you ever hurt me...
When you finally picked up the phone that night I knew you were with another women... I could hear her in the background. That hurt but I can work though that because I want you to be happy with someone even if its not me.
So to her, Im sorry for showing up at your home at 2am. I can't imagine how scary and weird that must of been. It will never happen again. I don’t ever want someone to not feel safe in their home. I truly apologize for that... Thats not the type of person I am.
The one answer that I did get from you was one I really didn't want. You said you didn't love me anymore. That was probably the hardest part of the entire day. Like I said before, I had hope. I just needed time to figure out my life, who I am, and who I want to be. I just couldn't do that with you right now because we were doing so bad... I had so much built up resentment that I needed to work through. I felt that doing that and still trying to be a good wife was impossible. It is too much on me and I wish I could have been stronger. I just didn't know how to be. I still don’t, I'm working on myself everyday and at the end of the day Im still here...
