Crybaby @wiishingthiin - Tumblr Blog

I really am below worthless. Nobody cares about me at all. Like not a single human being. I throw myself at everybody and beg for attention and even that doesn’t work on the grimiest of men because of how repulsive I actually am lol I will never find actual love. I’m going to be alone for the rest of my miserable life. And the best part is it’s all my fault. I’m a bad person. This is exactly what I deserve.

I starved myself for you today

I put on my prettiest dress and sat in the sun

I felt the turning in my stomach

My insides being consumed

I smiled

You held my face in your hands and told me I was lovely

I felt faint

I wondered silently if you’d still think so If I had just one bite

I decided no

The birds sang from the trees

You waved goodbye

I laid in the dirt and felt the ground breathe with me

I asked my mother once what it means to be loved

All those kids and 30 years she certainly must be the expert

She didn’t think for a second

“it’s to be beautiful.”

I repeated this in my head while I watched the clouds move in the sky

In the evening I thought of you but you didn’t think of me

Moonlight poured through the windows

You sighed into her neck across town

My reward growled in my stomach

I curled into bed

I couldn’t wait to be beautiful

I couldn’t wait to be loved

Been crying a lot lately for the things that I will never have. Children I’ll never raise. Love I’ll never have. Friends I won’t make. I’m repulsive and I’m going to rot alone.

Idk how to exist when how much I hate myself feels like it’s bursting from the inside.

It sucks just knowing like in a world of incredible beautiful skinny smart kind women why the fuck would anyone ever pick me lol

If I could I would literally surgically remove u from my brain lol

Forgetting u!! Bye!!

weltenwellen

Richie Hofmann, from "Breed Me"

The person I used to be

Is holding onto love for you

She begs me to see what she did

In another universe

Sometimes I remember the way I used to love you

I still don’t know what love is

And maybe that’s the problem

I mistook indifference for passion

How could I know if you love me

When I don’t know what that means

I was still shocked

It started when her name started to drip out of your mouth

With such ease

You didn’t care if it hurt me anymore

The old you had restraint about such things

The old you handled me with care

Like I was valuable and made of glass

Maybe the old you loved me

But I wouldn’t know

I wish you took me seriously. Like at all. Do I even mean anything to you??? It doesn’t feel like it most of the time. You used to make me feel like I mattered.

Does anybody see me as a whole person????

I wish i knew why I love you and I wish I knew how to stop. I wish I could come to terms with the fact that I don’t mean anything to you. I don’t know why I torture myself by believing that you could ever love someone like me. I don’t deserve to have love. I don’t exist to anyone and certainly not to you. I hate that I miss you. I wish I knew how to respect myself to leave you behind. I wish you respected me enough to leave me behind and not pretend to care. If you knew the real me you would hate me.

weltenwellen

Erika L. Sánchez, from “La Cueva”, Lessons on Expulsion

Today was ok. Lonely. Talked on the phone for like an hour. I feel kind of like a shell of the person I used to be. I also feel like I’m annoying everybody all the time. I wish I didn’t come across so weird and irritating all the time. I feel like most people don’t like me. Especially at work. I am extra polite to everyone. I think it’s a thing you learn to cope when you’re fat. Now I’m “normal” sized but being formerly morbidly obese everything is a weird transition. It’s sad and scary to see how differently everyone treats you when you’re smaller. And it only encourages me to keep eating less. Even my own friends and family treat me different. Someone also told me I have chubby cheeks today and I wanted to cry lol.

When I’m beautiful I will respect myself

I want to be worthy of something. I want to exist for someone as an entire person. I want to be myself and still be loved in spite of me.

I want to tell my old self she didn’t deserve it

I want to hold 7 year old me in my arms and make her feel like she matters

I want to look her in the eyes and tell her I never meant all those things I said about her

To hold her hand and remind her she is a person too

That she is brave

That she exists and is loved

I want to tell her i’m sorry

That if we change how things can be different

I want to show her the love she puts in to all things

To keep her safe

To encourage her

I want to tell my old self she is deserving of all the love and kindness she needs

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