My Eventual Penis

An FtM Trans Journey Blog

[wildberrybunny]

It’s finally happening; in two days I’m undergoing stage 1 phalloplasty!

[wildberrybunny]

First of all: MY EVENTUAL PENIS is 4 months post op! I guess it’s now just MY PENIS. Ha. I went for stage 1 phalloplasty in Montreal on May 25th, stayed in hospital + adjacent recovery home for 10 days before returning home to finish recovery, and oh boy was it the best and worst experience - and worth the ride.

Anyone looking into this surgery should realize that this is a hard recovery, after all you are getting skin taken from your donor arm, replaced with skin from your thigh, and then the former is used to form the new penis. Plus there’s incisions being made to reform said genital area and connect all the veins. I returned to work after 3 months. My arm is still not as flexible but returning to my job which involves a lot of lifting is actually really nice since I’ve been building the muscle back up. So far post op I don’t have full feeling back but I’m told it’s at least 6 months to a year.

[wildberrybunny]

I am 9 months post-op so it’s time for some updates.

Feeling has been slowly coming to the shaft, the top/bottom has been improving faster than the sides of it, and a little on the tip. Also the psudo-testicle area on my right side where a large incision was made is only now beginning to recover. It’s still mostly numb.

They say that full feeling might be within 1-2 years so patience is a virtue. I remind myself “what else would I be doing?” or “What is 1, 2, even 3 years of this vs the rest of my life?”

I got myself some of those grip doughnuts of different weights to help with muscle. My left arm isn’t as strong as it was before, however as long as I stretch before heavy lifting I do pretty well. It’ll take time.

[wildberrybunny]

First off - It's been a while! Hi! I'm over the 2 year mark from my phallo surgery, and in addition I went for stage 2 (urinary hookup) this past May.. putting me additionally at 5 months post-op! "patience is a virtue." Yes! Feeling has returned to my genital area/spread up the shaft as intended. I'd say the 1 year mark was when I really started to get the full feeling. My rating at over 2 years (June 2021): The shaft is not as sensitive as my pre-surgery genitals, feeling has spread to approx 90% of the shaft. Overall I'm satisfied because this was ultimately the goal. I went into it not expecting perfection, but a result that was satisfactory. I ended up waiting longer than I thought to finally get stage 2, but it's such a relief being able to pee from my penis now (previous to the hookup I still had to sit) Lastly my arm. I'm planning tattoo cover-up over the scar tissue. I've been largely successful in regaining strength in my arm. It is stiffer than my right arm, and the graft section doesn't have much surface feeling (if that makes sense) where the nerves were taken.. but I've seen that as a necessary sacrifice. Thoughts on stage 3 phalloplasty (The last stage): Testicular implants and a rod which allows for intercourse. I'm unsure if/when I wish to go forward with stage 3. These past 3 years I did stage 1, 2, plus (like a goof) broke my ankle really bad between those. Since I've been really happy with how my body functions, I won't be doing more surgery at least for some time. Additionally, at least right now intercourse isn't that high on my priorities.

Updates have become more sparse as I've reached the end points of my transition... But to anyone who has continued to follow my journey, I hope you've enjoyed it! It's crazy to look back almost 10 years now when I first came out, started T, looking into surgeries... where I began this blog "My Eventual Penis." :)

[wildberrybunny]

The FTM's illustrated Guide to looking like a hot dude

From the hair to the clothes, it gave me a better idea how to embark on my transition goals successfully and I'm forever grateful to the author. An old but still the best transition resource for FTMs I've ever seen. So I take every opportunity to re-share to the broader community - esp the new trans folk.

Happy Pride month!

[wildberrybunny]

It’s finally happening; in two days I’m undergoing stage 1 phalloplasty!

[wildberrybunny]

First of all: MY EVENTUAL PENIS is 4 months post op! I guess it’s now just MY PENIS. Ha. I went for stage 1 phalloplasty in Montreal on May 25th, stayed in hospital + adjacent recovery home for 10 days before returning home to finish recovery, and oh boy was it the best and worst experience - and worth the ride.

Anyone looking into this surgery should realize that this is a hard recovery, after all you are getting skin taken from your donor arm, replaced with skin from your thigh, and then the former is used to form the new penis. Plus there’s incisions being made to reform said genital area and connect all the veins. I returned to work after 3 months. My arm is still not as flexible but returning to my job which involves a lot of lifting is actually really nice since I’ve been building the muscle back up. So far post op I don’t have full feeling back but I’m told it’s at least 6 months to a year.

[wildberrybunny]

I am 9 months post-op so it's time for some updates.

Feeling has been slowly coming to the shaft, the top/bottom has been improving faster than the sides of it, and a little on the tip. Also the psudo-testicle area on my right side where a large incision was made is only now beginning to recover. It's still mostly numb.

They say that full feeling might be within 1-2 years so patience is a virtue. I remind myself "what else would I be doing?" or "What is 1, 2, even 3 years of this vs the rest of my life?"

I got myself some of those grip doughnuts of different weights to help with muscle. My left arm isn't as strong as it was before, however as long as I stretch before heavy lifting I do pretty well. It'll take time.

[wildberrybunny]

Happy 7th year T-versary to me!

It's been a long haul, I'm now 31 years old and on my 7th year. Lately I feel like "the before times" were a whole different life. It's surreal.

It's also been 9 months since I had stage 1 Phalloplasty.

[wildberrybunny]

It's finally happening; in two days I'm undergoing stage 1 phalloplasty!

[wildberrybunny]

First of all: MY EVENTUAL PENIS is 4 months post op! I guess it’s now just MY PENIS. Ha. I went for stage 1 phalloplasty in Montreal on May 25th, stayed in hospital + adjacent recovery home for 10 days before returning home to finish recovery, and oh boy was it the best and worst experience - and worth the ride.

Anyone looking into this surgery should realize that this is a hard recovery, after all you are getting skin taken from your donor arm, replaced with skin from your thigh, and then the former is used to form the new penis. Plus there’s incisions being made to reform said genital area and connect all the veins. I returned to work after 3 months. My arm is still not as flexible but returning to my job which involves a lot of lifting is actually really nice since I’ve been building the muscle back up. So far post op I don’t have full feeling back but I’m told it’s at least 6 months to a year.

[wildberrybunny]

It's finally happening; in two days I'm undergoing stage 1 phalloplasty!

[wildberrybunny]

Since I started transition my dysphoria and mental health has only gotten better, but since I took the final steps towards my reassignment surgery it’s taken a nose dive into major dysphoria.

Disassociation: A disconnection between a person’s thoughts, memories, actions, feelings, or sense of who they are.

(Depersonalization) – experiences of unreality or detachment from one’s mind, self or body. People may feel as if they are outside their bodies and watching events happening to them. 

(Derealization) - experiences of unreality or detachment from one’s surroundings. People may feel as if things and people in the world around them are not real.

Lately- especially at night when my mind wanders I feel like I’m disconnected from myself. Talking to people during the day - like friends makes it feel real again but I may need to seek actual help in time.

[wildberrybunny]

In a couple weeks I will be flying out to Montreal to see a surgeon for my consultation for SRS!! I’m super excited however the current situation definitely puts a damper on the trip (which originally was supposed to involve an actual vacation) I’ll make the best of it.

[wildberrybunny]

Update: I flew out to Montreal and my consultation went quite well! Maybe I’ll hear in 3-6 months about a surgery date, not really sure. Due to covid I am now a week into quarantining but it’s alright - I was prepared for it.

Aside: Flying in the pandemic is weird. My local airport was practically deserted, I was actually taken by surprise at Toronto’s airport when I first arrived - they are one of the hubs in Canada. They weren’t even that busy either.

[wildberrybunny]

In a couple weeks I will be flying out to Montreal to see a surgeon for my consultation for SRS!! I’m super excited however the current situation definitely puts a damper on the trip (which originally was supposed to involve an actual vacation) I’ll make the best of it.

[wildberrybunny]

Today marks the 5th year anniversary of my top surgery!! (necessary post) How time flies..

[wildberrybunny]

Pride of Trans-ness

Pre-amble: This is a hard topic to explain when it comes having pride. I feel out of touch with the younger gen of trans folks just coming out. I know it's not just me, there's a problem with the mentality of the lgbt community in general, but I'm here to sort out my opinions on the trans community specifically.

The current climate has seen a new acceptance and celebration of transgender folks and its amazing.

The act of coming out as trans (on realization) is an active choice someone makes. It doesn't feel like a choice, and I find the community at large seems to push that it isn't one. Yes it feels like a non-choice (transition or deny) BUT it's an empowering active choice to pursue the path of transition. The reason we celebrate trans folks coming out is that they are taking their lives and future into their own hands.

I find it worrying when people make their identity all about their trans-ness, I find it hard to be prideful of myself because in all honesty who the fuck would want to be trans - in all honesty here. The dysphoria, depression, anxiety, process of coming out including backlash, transition itself complete with surgeries...so who the fuck wants this?

Yet. I see trans folks who are so actively proud of themselves (which in itself is great actually). But they make an effort to make sure people know about it. They revel in revealing to anyone around them of their trans identity. Alienating themselves from others because "fuck cis people". Conclusion: there's a toxicity of trans victimhood.

There are many, many reasons for the trans process to require support (41% suicide rate is no joke)

It's important to accept that you cannot control what other people say or do. Often you can't control your environment. The only thing you can control is what you say or do. You made an empowering choice, but you can't then go about life blaming the world for your problems and call that empowerment. There seems to be an issue with "trans victimhood" where no matter what everyone else is getting in the way of your happiness. This is a false conclusion, I won't pretend I'm that happy all the time, but at the end of the day I must make the best from what I've got and be happy in spite of things I can't control (The world in general)

[wildberrybunny]

Had a conversation with a straight friend about dating trans people.

There's supposed to be nothing wrong with being who you are. If your sexuality is binary that's just how it is, in the same way that if someone's gay that's just how it is. At the moment our climate is in into shaming people who are simply straight.

As a straight guy he expressed despite fully feeling that we're completely valid he is just into cis women, for straight up admitting it's uncomfortable. It's just as valid to take his sexuality and preferences into consideration. I'd be cool with dating trans woman as well as cis women but in my pursuit of partners - I consider myself straight/into women.

And if you're not convinced it's valid, consider the idea of hooking up with someone with an expectation of what you're getting. I wouldn't want to have someone assume they're getting dick when that's not happening for instance, it sets up disappointment - a lot of people might roll with it but I wouldn't expect everyone to, it just makes the situation awkward for everyone.

[wildberrybunny]

“If there was a new therapy that - even if you had to take it everyday, it would be just like taking your hormones, that changed your sexual attraction I’d take it. It would alter your sexuality for a short period..maybe after you revert back you’ll be like “ew gross! why did I do that??” but you’re altering your pov of who you find attractive so..maybe it would change your perception entirely. You’d also get to find out what it would be like to be attracted to other people you normally wouldn’t be attracted to at all. If there was a magic pill or therapy that allowed me to correct my gender identity - let’s not kid ourselves it’s an abnormality at the very least, I’d take it. DESPITE the fact that I see myself as male, and my entire life I’ve wanted to be male and felt I should have been born male. At this point in time I’ve lived with gender dysphoria and the BEST I could do for that I have done. Which is transition. It is the best solution that we have at this moment. However: If there was a therapy that allowed us to correct the gender identity/”cure” the gender dysphoria in our brains..why the would that not be the new best solution?  I say this as the person I declared myself to be above, because without a doubt if you eliminate dysphoria what need would you need to transition? You would without a doubt be able to live as the sex/gender that you were born as. I ask WHO would choose a path of psychological suffering and a long road of medical transition when there’d be an option available that would correct the problem. Being trans is seen as something to be embraced if it’s something we’ve found that we are. Not everywhere of course, but it’s pushed strongly as something we should embrace and be proud to be. I am proud of the person I am - transgender tag included.  I also value wisdom. I believe that true wisdom and empathy is gained from understanding or exploring a POV or idea that I disagree with strongly.  To tie this all together; I imagined what living my life would be like as a female who identifies with her sex sans-gender dysphoria..The thought makes me INCREDIBLY uncomfortable - to have continued living as female. I STRONGLY without a doubt identify as male- enough to go through transition! It was the best I could have done - the only thing I can continue to do for myself because I don’t have another choice.

[wildberrybunny]

Becoming the thing you sought to destroy : Pride Edmonton

https://globalnews.ca/news/5154261/2019-edmonton-pride-festival-cancelled-email-april/

This is really upsetting to see Pride in Edmonton shut down due to this group. Why do they feel the need to wreck the parade? Why can’t they just be a part of it? The self-centeredness of these people is absurd, it’s basically having a tantrum. I know it’s name-calling but seriously wtf do they think they’re doing? The rainbow flag, the LGBT community, and Pride has always been a celebration of these communities, we’re known for our inclusivity. They have become the very toxicity and anti-inclusivity they sought to destroy.

[wildberrybunny]

Happy Hysto-versary to me!

A whole 2 years since I had my hystorectomy, wow does time fly.

[wildberrybunny]

Please, be proud of yourself.

There's a troubling trend that's made it's way into the lgbt community that by all intents is meant well but has turned into a poison instead.

With the introduction of race and gender politics I'm troubled to hear of what was previously a sense of pride; passing as a cisgender male, is now a sense of shame. The intention was to do your best to pass as male, but instead members of my community go so far as to stop T or forgo surgery because they want to stay in the transition limbo and retain visibility - to not be read as a 'straight cisgender male'.

This isn't right, nobody should be shamed out of being who they are, its exclusionary and only widens the divide between people. It's rediculous to shame someone for being normal, first we're ashamed to begin transition and now we're ashamed to be what we wanted all along? Its the worst! Shamed if you do and shamed if you don't.

Don't get me wrong, I understand how it's weird to transition from a visible lgbt member to a non visible one. But it is what it is, be proud of it. You know who you are.

TL;dr Even if you transition and are read as a straight cis male, be who you are and don't do yourself the disservice of being ashamed about it.

[wildberrybunny]

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.

If you’ve found yourself in the abyss, though you can’t see it, it doesn’t mean there is no light. You simply cannot see it because of the dark shadow blocking your path- and circling around you.

You might be able to outrun it, but like a shadow it’s connected to you- always circling, always waiting.

You might fight it, if you choose. But it’s ethereal and elusive- you better have the right tool to bring to the fight..and if you beat it down will it be ever defeated? Sometimes in order to pass through the abyss rather than oppose the dark shadow haunting you, you should accept it as it stands.