#random musings

[seaglassmelody]

Why is this so much preamble

Why does it take so much writing to set up the situation I actually want to write

[seaglassmelody]

Should be thinking about DavRook week

very much thinking about drawing a fic cover for my Destiny stuff

[princessresurrection13]

Random Musing

The past couple of days, I have been cleaning my room. I am extremely thankful, that my dad has been helping me. Lets just say I went through a depressive episode. I love that my dad is not judgmental towards me. He has been encouraging me, and keeping me disciplined. My mom also is encouraging us to go back to church. My family likes going to Lakepointe Church, because it feels like home.

While I was throwing away old things, I came across my yearbooks. I could not bring myself to throw them away. I know I am pathetic, but I looked at his junior picture, and memories came flooding back. I cried, like I cried while I was a teen girl. I know people change and don't look the same, myself included but I still feel that it is love. Personally I think sometimes, that I felt that way because I was depressed, and the depression clouded my feelings. Yes we were both at fault, and we had bad blood against each other.

You know, its not like he comes looking for me. He probably moved somewhere else, and got an apartment or a house. He probably is dating someone, or sleeping around or got married. I hate myself for being so delusion.

All I keep thinking about is the lyrics to Can't Make You Love Me, by Britney Spears

[seaglassmelody]

Never ask a woman her age, a man his salary, or an OC creator how much money they've spent on commissions

[heartofthomas]

TW // CSA discussion but it's just in relation to manga

Whenever people talk about Midori/Shojo Tsubaki/Mr Arashi's Amazing Freak Show like there's no artistic merit and it's just depicting rape for no reason I question if they've actually read it. (I see this a lot in Instagram comments.) I've never seen the anime, to be fair, but I've read the manga and I thought it was very intentional the way her reality spiraled into horror and surrealism, and how she wasn't sure what was real anymore. It is a very violent depiction, and it can be hard to read at points, but acting like it condones it is kind of wild to me.

I felt it captured that feeling of being trapped and dissociated pretty well in an abstract way. Though I completely understand why people stay away from it, I just find it kind of frustrating when people write off things like they couldn't possibly have any purpose but shock value or something.

I guess my issue is looking at people's opinions in instagram comments though!

[justletmeon12]

Thinking for far from the first time about my experience when I first tried marijuana.

Specifically, it made it a lot easier to mask - the slowing of time made it easier to read microexpressions, I was less anxious about getting things wrong, less hypersensitive to sound so I didn't need to stim as much, etc. Some (annoying) people have argued that things like this are justification for "treating" autistic behavior chemically.

I think the thing that that argument misses is that I still experience those changes as a cognitive loss. Marijuana affects the parts of your brain you normally use to perceive and solve short-term problems. It doesn't make me neurotypical - it makes me stoned and autistic. I still feel less aware and in control on it because I need to be looking arounc onstantly because I tend to miss major context clues when people move or change group activities, I'm used to navigating hyperacusis and rely on it for some environmental context, etc.

Anywya, no idea if this is coherent and might delete it later - have thought about talking about this a few times, but I can never seem to think of a way to phrase it that doesn't make it sound weird or that doesn't seem to be flattening a variety of experiences and symptoms into my thing. I'm mostly talking about the people who think drugs should be used for "behavioral" or social differences specifically.

[seaglassmelody]

Fact about me: if you hand me a man who is/can be interpreted as aroace, he will become an integral part of my brain

[tearsoftime0086]

Self-indulgent weary knight's respite Steve doodle! This is probably a year or so after the Casablanca fic, when he decides to do a PhD under Rebecca.

(AU rambling under the cut)

Lots of little details for me here - at this point, they've found a medication to keep a lot of his Veronica symptoms at bay, which includes the self regeneration! So he can get his piercing back that he missed so much. It's a sign that his cheeky/rebellious kick isn't fully buried. Also he has to wear glasses because Veronica's enhanced sight is gone (like father, like son).

Claire jokes that he always used to feud with the strait-laced guys, and now he's gone full academia (but she has to admit, he can pull off the cable knit sweater vibes p well). His dad nagged him all the time about how he should get a career in biomed r&d, it pays the bills, he knows the ropes to get him there, etc., etc. If pre-Rockfort Steve saw him, he'd probably ask who the hell this nerd is. And yeah, Steve never thought he'd end up like this either. But having walked away from absolute hell and almost mutating into a mindless beast in the year after Antarctica, he's still kinda terrified of himself. Learning about the mutation and sating it through research is his way of fighting and contributing to the cause without worrying he'll misstep and leave people dead. Sometimes, he really wishes he was as dependable as Claire or Leon. Part of him wants to be on the front lines of it all. But he can't. He can't risk screwing up, not when there's always so much at stake.

On a meta note, it makes it so much fun to compare end-stage Weary Knight's Respite Steve with my other + my friends' AUs, because a vast majority of them don't walk out of Antarctica freely and become living weapons/monsters. Meanwhile this guy doesn't realize it but he basically ends up the most normie out of them all. For a kid who worried so much about messing up, he figured out his own way to it all ^^