wildest demons @wildestdemons - Tumblr Blog

I think some people just end up alone. No matter how hard you try, sometimes it just doesn’t work out. You open yourself up to hurt and pain and vulnerability, but sometimes you’re just not enough. Sometimes your dream, and your wants, and your hopes just don’t work out. “It’s gotta be somebody. Maybe it’ll be you,” they said. You just didn’t realize they were talking about the negatives.

hplyrikz

I need a life that isn’t just about needing to escape my life.

Robert Polito (via hplyrikz)

ruinnoir-deactivated20191210

brynnsbeat

This year

This year I will not allow the damage you did to me to effect the good I can do to others. This year I will not let the demons you unchained inside me to sway my motivation and my fight for my dream. This year I will not allow the negative you let me be comfortable with to outweigh the positive that is naturally within me. This is my year, not yours. You will not win, because I already have.

oomshi

do i have a crush on you or am i just lonely

glitterproxy-blog

do i like you or do i like that you like me

sweetsugarydeathx-deactivated20

do I like you or do I like the idea of you

nerdswithanxietysaywhat

do i want to be in a relationship or do i just want to prove that i’m worthy of one

cityofchestpains

do i like you or have i been emotionless for too long

wildestdemons

Anxiety.

I tried to explain my anxiety to my dad earlier today. I told him how it made me feel, to the best of my ability anyway. It’s so hard to communicate the experiences I face every day. I tried my best, though. His response? “That’s like when I had to give a speech at your brother’s wedding. I got up there, and I started crying in front of all those people. It was really embarrassing, but I powered through. I think what you’re feeling is pretty normal, Brynn. Everyone feels that way.” Wrong. I don’t expect my parents to ever understand what I go through on a daily basis. The immense amount of effort it takes to get up in the morning, to decide to make myself look presentable, to find the value in finding something to do that day. I don’t expect they’ll ever get how it feels to be sitting in the middle of class, and when the professor asks a question, to break down crying because I don’t know the answer, and I feel like everyone thinks I’m stupid even though I KNOW that’s not true. I can’t control my emotions and the way they make me think. There’s no good way to communicate that. No one that has not experienced it first hand will ever truly understand. But dear GOD, do NOT try to compare the normal anxiety you get from talking in front of a crowd or having a meeting with your boss or going to take a test to THIS anxiety. It’s not the same. It will never be even close. Say I’m dramatic, say I’m begging for attention, say I’m taking it too far. All I ask is that you try to wrap your brain around it and that you’re forgiving of my bad moments and my worst days. I won’t apologize for this part of me, but I will work on it. I will keep learning, and I will keep finding the one reason I can to get up and try.

yungist-blog

brynnsbeat

I just need to vent.

Today I randomly clicked on a video called “10 Signs Your Mental Illness is Made Up For Attention”. (That video is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uk9KtIXXfv0) I clicked on it because the name alone set me off. However, the video was from a channel by Claudia Boleyn (who has more than one mental illness) discussing an “article” that set HER off. (That article is here: https://anongalactic.com/10-signs-your-mental-illness-is-made-up-for-attention/) She went through the entire article giving her commentary on each “sign” the author presented. I agreed with everything she said. Everything. The article enraged me. It was all I could think about, so I posted it on Facebook. I did not post it for attention. I posted it so other’s could relate. I posted it to spread awareness that there is, in fact, a stigma associated with mental illness, and that there are awfully ignorant and rude people who propel that stigma. Obviously it attracted several comments, most of which were peers expressing their disgust at the “article” and discussing the points that stuck out the most to them. Of course there were a few people who agreed with the article and commented saying so. I am not one to argue with other’s opinions because what’s the point?…

As someone who struggles with mental illness, it is very inspiring to see someone like Claudia not only post very honest, personal, real, eloquent videos, but also to see her be so strong and so brave by standing up for what she knows to be true. I feel like Claudia truly understands what I have been feeling for the past year. Mental illness is different for everyone, but it is always a good thing to find someone to relate to.

It has been hard for my parents to understand my struggle. My mom tells me to just wake up and decide to have a good day, to be happy. If I could, I would, Mom. I’m not the type to wake up and say “Today I think I’ll lack motivation, energy, and positive thoughts and lay here until I absolutely have to get up”. There are lots of days when I wake up saying “Today is going to be one of my good days. I’m going to go to work, hang out with my friends, and then drive home and see my parents and take a bath”, but instead I go to work, come home, and nap because I am too exhausted to do anything else. It’s not fun. It’s not just being lazy. And it’s not my choice. I want to see my friends. I want to WANT to go home. But when it comes down to it, it takes a lot of effort just to get myself to cook dinner.

And as I sit here typing this, I keep thinking “God, something is wrong with me. Why am I like this? I am so lazy. I am so pathetic. Why can’t I just get up out of bed and go do things that I need to do?” But that’s the thing. It’s NOT ME. It is my illness. It is not my choice; it is not my doing. It is the anxiety and the depression and the whatever else I am fighting that makes me feel that way, this way. It is the devil in my head that spits out hateful comments that he knows will turn my rare good days into bad ones, and I can only fight his taunting for so long before I start to believe it.

I have never been suicidal. I have never gotten to the point where I wanted to end my life, and I don’t think I will ever be there because I know I have great family and amazing friends that surround me and make me feel good about myself. They are the ones who help me combat the low, awful moods and the days, weeks, months, periods of bad times. I am forever grateful for my support system. God really did bless me with that.

Man, did this post get lengthy. I hope someone actually reads this. (I’m looking at you, author of the “10 Signs” trash.)

-B ♥