8 years of university studies later, 4 months out from graduating, and I almost feel like I’ve lost touch with myself so much. It was so interesting, as I was getting acupuncture yesterday, and then a massage, that a part of me felt subconsciously guilty for treating my body and taking care of it. I guess as a health care practitioner you give, give, give, and then forget to take care of yourself, as if it feels selfish that you aren’t serving anyone apart from yourself. And then I remember, to be the best chiropractor I can be, I need to make sure my love tank is constantly full, so I can give to others.
It’s been one hell of a 2 years in clinic. The highs and lows felt in the past 2 years, are emotions I didn’t realise I could jump from so quickly. From feeling like my side postures suck, to getting all my adjustments on a patient in one day, to my mentors telling me to chill the f out and that I’m smashing it in clinic all in one day, has honestly made the past 2 years in my mind such a blur.
It’s so interesting reading back to my posts, because all of them, I write about how my negative thinking will eat me alive, and my perceptions on perfections will also create so much stress in my body. I was listening to a podcast the other day, talking about how to give less fucks, and it was interesting how they said that every fuck that we give, is just our fear of a social construct that we’ve built up in our mind. For example, no where in society tells us that we aren’t good enough, or that we can’t wear those jeans because they make you look phat. It’s the perceptions of ourselves that we’ve built in our own mind that have told us that we can’t do that. But it’s literally once you toss that fuck away, that it takes up less energy, and you can focus on other things that celebrate you on a day to day basis.
It’s interesting my perception on myself, that it always needs me to be constantly validated externally, and that’s something I’ve been consistently trying to work on this year. That when I work from my heart space, that everything is perfect, and that I’m doing my best. It’s only when I am thinking in my head, that I give a poor adjustment, it’s the critic, it’s the fear of failure, it’s the ego talking. You have to surrender the ego, go with the universe, and you will always deliver a damn beautiful adjustment, perfect for that patient’s energy and body.
There was a turning point this year, when I honestly would measure my self worth based on whether I get my side postures or not. And my body would become so tense, that it’s so hard for that patient’s energetic field to even communicate with mine, because mine was so shut off. One day, I got asked by my dean to create a health talk for patients in clinic, and then next to mentor some students the year below me. I took a step back, and was like WOW the fact that here I am thinking I suck, I suck, I suck, and then there’s mentors and deans watching me from afar, and asking me to mentor others, I am obviously doing something right. I am on the right path, and I am absolutely smashing it, and I just need to get out of my own head, and take everyone else off the pedestal. I think that belief came from when I was younger, being the youngest off my family, feeling like everyone was above me and feeling like an outsider.
I sprained my wrists the other day surfing, and it’s been such a mental battle, it’s stopped me from being able to do a bunch of things, and I’ve had to take 2 weeks off clinic. It’s so funny, because the universe has handed me this beautiful gift to heal, connect and just recuperate from the year. Yet, here I am panicking on how I’m going to get the patient numbers, retain from a patient drop off, and WHAT DO I DO WITH ALL THIS SPARE TIME?! fuck, now I have to hang out with myself... It’s funny how the human brain has to always be consciously thinking or complaining or being fearful of something. I know that my wrist injury has deeper emotions that go with it, my confusion on whether I am a manual adjuster or a tonal adjuster?! That omg what is wrong with me that I enjoy manual adjusting? That am I doing my patients a dis-service from manually adjusting them?
4 months to go, and I could just let go, enjoy the process and let it be. Life will sometimes throw your curveballs, but it’s all about the way you handle it. I think that everything is a blessing in disguise, and that if you can learn from it, then everything that happens in life is a gift to me. I am so excited to graduate, so excited to be serving people, to connect and allow others to express themselves the way they want to. I want to move to Melbourne next year, and the thought excites but also terrifies me.
And that is why I have been doing things out of my comfort zones this year... SKYDIVING! was amazing, going to Splore by myself, hitching a ride with a random to Splore lol, walking up to a guy sober and giving him my number, surfing despite my fear of big waves... bloody proud of myself. All these fears are just creations in your mind, and once you realise that you can literally FUCK FEAR, you set yourself free from the prison that you’ve kept yourself in your own mind. I am so excited to keep on setting my fears free, connecting to my heart space, and healing without fear.
Sindy xxx
