I love bartending so much. Itās easy, itās fun, itās lax, itās lucrative. I think itās slowly killing me, though. Itās taxing. Exhausting. Mentally and physically. It encourages my bad sleeping habits of staying up all night and sleeping all day. I feel as though I live my life in the dark, wasting the daylight hours away.
Iām afraid Iām going to wake up one day and be in my forties and not know how the fuck I got there or what I did that whole time. Iām so scared of losing my life. I just donāt have energy to live.
For so long, Iāve believed it was my depression ruining my life, but itās recently dawned on me that the real problem is the way I physically feel. Depression hinders me, make no mistake; I suffer from episodes of random crying, random moments of dread, of thinking itād be easier to not be alive. I go blank, Iāll feel empty, I wonāt feel much of anything. I wonāt want to leave my house. I think the real kicker, though, is the fatigue I constantly experience.
Iāve blamed my depression for making my body feel like lead, but upon doing more research, Iāve found that thereās such thing as chronic fatigue syndrome. I experience every single symptom; itās like someone asked me to fill out a questionnaire, thatās how close to home it hits.
I want to paint, and draw, and take pottery classes, and learn how to sew, and learn how to make jewelry, and I want to exercise, and do yoga, and go for walks, and grow plants. These are things I want so bad, but lack the energy to do. To move my arms, to move my legs. To have to think. To have to move. It makes me want to sob because it sounds so fucking exhausting. I want to do things but Iām so fucking tired all of the time. Iām always in pain. Thereās always some part of my body that hurts. My knees, my wrists, my shoulders, my back, my neck. I almost always have a headache. I have no quality of life because Iām in constant pain and constant exhaustion.
Of course thereās no sure-fire remedy for this chronic fatigue syndrome, but there are ways to help. I think one of the biggest life changes I need to make is to get a daytime job. It sucks, because I make such incredible money bartending, and Iām so afraid to let that go because regardless of what job I take on afterward, itās going to be a significant pay-cut for me. Iām getting to the point though where I feel like the money doesnāt even matter anymore. I need a regular sleep schedule. I need to be awake during daylight hours and asleep during nighttime hours.
Maybe itāll help. Maybe it wonāt.
prguitarman
amandla
blakekathryn
gracieabrams
romaincrisis
jacobvanloon
ellievsbear
