The Scars We Bear - Part 11
Pairing: Eventual Dean x Reader
Warnings: Angst, Grief
Word Count: 3,233
A/N: I hope you all are enjoying this! Please let me know what you think!
Series Masterlist
Two Weeks Later
July 21
“Honey, leave Aunt (Y/N) alone,” Jess says as her daughter reaches for you to pick her up for the tenth time in a minute.
“She’s alright,” you laugh as you finally pick her up out of the buggy.
“Are you sure you need to be carrying her?”
You roll your eyes. “Seriously? Jess, she weighs like five pounds.”
“Twenty, actually,” she laughs. “My little chunk. Plus, she’s distracting you.”
“Well, I need a distraction.”
“No, you need to focus on what crib you want.”
You look at the assortment of baby things, and an overwhelmed feeling settles in you. “It’s still very early. I have time to worry about this stuff.”
“Yeah, but when you get further along, you’re going to want to have all of this over with. Trust me.”
You shake your head. “I’ll be three months along next week. I can’t imagine getting the nursery ready now, and then having to wait six months.”
“Okay,” she says. “Don’t take my word for it then. You know, I’ve just had a kid and have experienced some stuff.”
“Don’t be dramatic,” you laugh.
“Well, if you’re not going to pick out stuff, then what are we even doing here?”
“I don’t know. You’re the one who picked me up. I figured you had a plan.”
“Yeah, and when I picked you up I told you we were going baby shopping.”
“Okay, in my defense, I thought you meant this baby,” you tell her as you squeeze Kaylee a bit.
Jess rolls her eyes. “Can you at least act like you’re interested?”
“I am,” you laugh a bit. “I promise you, I’m all excited to start putting the nursery together. I can’t wait to pick out the crib and the cute clothes. I can’t wait to paint the walls, and hang up decorations, and spend every night sitting in the rocking chair imagining the baby sleeping in the crib until they’re actually here.”
“Then why does it seem like you’re trying to get out of doing those things?” she asks, frowning a bit when she realizes. “It’s about Scott, isn’t it?”
“No,” you shake your head. “I mean, yeah, it’s depressing that he’s not here. I cry every day thinking about him, and then again thinking about how he’s not going to get to meet our son or daughter. But whether he’s here or not, I still have a baby to prepare for. That’s not the reason for my hesitation.”
“Then what is it?”
You swallow hard. “It’s too soon,” you choke out.
She stops walking and turns to look at you. “(Y/N).”
“I can’t handle it if I let myself get excited for this baby. If I get the nursery put together and the clothes put away. If I let myself imagine them here in my arms. And then lose them.” You sigh as a few tears fall. You’re so tired of crying.
“You can’t think like that,” she says softly. “Just because you’re not far along doesn’t mean something’s going to happen. And just because you make it to a certain point doesn’t mean you’re in the clear.”
You scowl a bit. “Aren’t you supposed to be trying to make me feel better?”
“I’m not trying to make you panic here,” she says softly. “I’m just telling you the truth. You’re going to worry your whole pregnancy, and you’ll think it’ll go away when they’re born. They then get here and you sleep by their crib checking their breathing every five minutes. Then when they turn a year old, you worry about them starting to walk. Then it’s worrying about them at school, and making friends, and then they start driving.”
“Is there a point here?”
She laughs a bit. “All I’m trying to say is you’re going to worry about this baby their entire life. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t let yourself embrace every part of it, and be happy. So if you want to pick out a crib, and start stocking up on diapers, go ahead.”
You take a deep breath. “It’s not just the worry.”
“Well, if you want me to impart the right words of wisdom on you, then you’re going to have to tell me what’s going on.”
You laugh, causing a few tears to slide down your cheeks. “I lost Scott,” you choke out. “But when I got home, he was still there. His clothes were still in the closet. His side of the bed still smelled like him. The coffee cup he drank out of that morning was sitting there unwashed. His toothbrush was in the holder. His shoes were waiting by the door. Every time I saw these glimpses of him, it was a new wave of grief that crashed into me.
“And I know I’ll be grieving him my whole life. I know that. But it wasn’t just crying over him. It was crying seeing these things that he’ll never use again. Then crying when I had to wash them, or get rid of them.”
Jess sighs. “And now you’re afraid that if you get ready for this baby, and something were to happen, it would be like that all over again.”
You nod. “I know it sounds stupid.”
“No, not at all, (Y/N).”
“It’s just… heartbreaking having to erase these pieces of him out of my life. Did that stupid cup need washed? Yes. But then I felt guilty for days afterwards. Like I was trying to get rid of any trace of him.
“I just don’t want to get too ahead of myself with this baby. Don’t think I’m not thinking about it, Jess. Don’t think I don’t have the nursery already planned. Don’t think I don’t have names already picked out. Don’t think I haven’t been researching the safest car seat, or the best baby monitors. I just can’t bring myself to take that next step and fill my home with these things.”
Jess nods before walking over to hug you, being mindful of her daughter in your arms. “I understand,” she says softly. “And you never have to explain yourself to me. I just… We’re so worried about you, and it’s been breaking my heart thinking you’re not allowing yourself to get excited.”
You shake your head a bit as she pulls away. “I’m definitely excited,” you tell her. “Trust me.”
“Good,” she smiles softly. “Well, if you aren’t going to pick out baby stuff, then let’s go look at the babyproofing aisle.”
“You hear that Lee Bug?” you ask her as you readjust her on your hip. “Momma thinks you’re going to get into all kinds of trouble when you start walking.”
She turns to look at you. “She’s a Winchester. Of course she’s going to get into trouble.”
You laugh at her. “Has she even tried walking yet?”
“No,” she laughs. “Because someone has her spoiled to being held.” She gives you the side eye, and you feign innocence.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You’re literally carrying her right now!”
“Okay, okay!” you laugh. “But in my defense, she’s adorable.” You squish one of Kaylee’s cheeks before looking back over at Jess. “You have my full permission to spoil my baby as much as you want.”
“Okay,” she laughs. “But you’ll be wishing you could take your words back.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You’re really slacking on the coffee tonight.”
You look up from your spot on the swing to see Dean standing at the end of your walkway. You laugh at him as he begins walking towards you.
“It’s too hot for coffee,” you tell him.
“It has been the last few nights,” he shrugs. “That doesn’t mean you can get lazy on me.”
Rolling your eyes, you reach down to grab the extra bottle of water you brought out for him. “Here,” you laugh as you toss it towards him.
“Oh, even better,” he chuckles. He unscrews the cap and takes a drink as he takes his place on the bench. “So,” he says as he looks over at you. “How are you?”
“I’m okay,” you smile softly. “You don’t have to ask me that every time you visit, you know.”
“Yes, I do,” he says matter of factly as he sets the water bottle down on the table by the bench. “You’re my friend now. I have to check up on you.”
“Well, Sam and Jess are doing that enough for ten people, so you can take a break if you want.”
He chuckles a bit. “She told me that she took you shopping today.”
“Yeah, she’s worried about me.”
“We all are,” he says. “I’m sorry if I’m getting on your nerves.”
“Eh, I’ll get over it,” you say, smiling softly at him. “It’s actually been nice knowing so many people are here for me during these past few weeks.”
“Even if we’ve been driving you crazy?”
“Just know that I’ll be getting my full revenge when the baby gets here and I need someone to watch him.”
He raises an eyebrow at you. “Him?”
“Oh, I don’t know yet,” you laugh. “I just… I don’t know. I’ll be excited no matter what the gender is. But I am sort of hoping for a boy. I won’t find out for sure for a few more weeks.”
“You want to know?”
“Definitely,” you nod. “It’d be really hard to get the nursery put together and everything not knowing. And buying clothes is going to be a nightmare anyways, but where in the world do you find clothes that could be for either?” He chuckles as he moves to stand, wincing a bit. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” he sighs. “Leg’s bothering me. I was listening to you, I just had to move a bit.”
“It’s all that walking,” you tease him.
He laughs again, but it’s laced with a bit of pain this time. “I’m sure my doctor will take that as a valid excuse when I tell him why I’ve quit exercising it.”
“Tell him your psychiatrist recommended you have a break,” you tell him, watching as he winces again when he tries to move his left leg. “Do you need something?”
He shakes his head. “I’ll get it worked out in a minute. It’s the heat. It causes it to get stiff sometimes. I twisted it a bit at work today too, so that didn’t help.”
“I didn’t know being a surgeon was so dangerous,” you tease, before thinking maybe it was the wrong thing to say. “Sorry, I didn’t mean…”
“I know what you meant,” he smiles at you, letting you know he didn’t think anything of it.
“I just meant like in a normal hospital and… You know what? Nevermind. I’ll shut my mouth.”
“It’s okay,” he chuckles. “Really, (Y/N).” He takes a deep breath before moving enough he can lean up against the house. “I twisted it running down the hallway towards an emergency.”
“Ouch,” you frown. “Are you sure you don’t need something? Ice? Pain medication?”
“No, I’ll take care of it when I get home,” he says before looking down at you. “I should probably go on.”
“Okay,” you reply. “I’ll see you tomorrow night? If you can walk, anyways.”
“Actually, I have to work tomorrow night,” he says.
“Oh, well, the next night you don’t have to work then.”
“Well, duh,” he smiles. “We have a good tradition going. I don’t want to mess it up now.”
You laugh softly and nod your head at him. “Goodnight, Dean.”
“Night,” he smiles before moving to walk off. You frown as he limps across your porch, and pauses at the steps. He white knuckles the railing going down.
“Are you sure you can walk home?”
He’s breathing a little hard, and he shakes his head. “Not really,” he laughs humorlessly. You go to stand, but he holds a hand up to stop you. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll call Sammy to come take me home.”
“Nonsense,” you tell him as you stand up off the swing. He rolls his eyes as he leans against the railing.
“(Y/N)...”
“You stay there and let me get the car out of the garage.” You make it to the front door before you stop and look over your shoulder at him. “I can do that now because someone fixed it, so I owe him one.”
“Um, you baked me cookies.”
“Then you helped me when I burned my hand, and you also brought me lunch the next day. I owe you one,” you repeat. He shakes his head.
“Scott always mentioned you were stubborn.”
“You’re the one arguing with me,” you laugh before you hurry off inside.
You know he can’t move fast enough to get away too quickly, but you don’t want to take your chances. When you back out of your garage, you’re relieved to see Dean waiting for you at the edge of your driveway. You stop and go to get out, but he quickly stops at your door.
“I can get in myself,” he says. “It might just take me a minute.”
You give in and let him shut your door back. You watch as he walks around the front of your car, using the hood as leverage. True to his word, it takes him a minute. When he finally makes it, he eases into the passenger seat with a relieved sigh.
“Dean, maybe you should go get your leg checked out.”
He shakes his head as you put the car in reverse again. “A night of resting it and I’ll be alright.” You don’t miss the way he winces when your car goes over the bump at the end of your driveway. You put the car in drive and head down the street.
“You have to tell me where to go.”
He nods, watching the road until you get to the right street.
“Turn left here,” he says. You do, and in a minute he points to another road. “Right here.” When you reach a dark blue, two-story house, he nods. “This is it.”
“Wow,” you breathe out as you pull up in his driveway. “Nice house.”
“Says the woman who lives in a mini-mansion,” he chuckles.
“It is not,” you laugh. “It’s just very spacious.”
“I don’t like the way you said that either,” he teases in a fake offended tone.
“The way I said what?”
“Nice house,” he says as he crosses his arms across his chest. “You said it like you expected me to live in a falling down shack.”
“Good grief,” you laugh. “I just didn’t expect a house this size for a single man.”
“Yeah, well, I plan for the future,” he says, causing you to laugh again. “Plus when I decided to move back to Lawrence, it was pretty much the only house in my price range that wasn’t falling down.” You can see the smile he’s trying to hide. When you start laughing even more, he cracks and the smile spreads across his face.
“I didn’t mean to offend the injured,” you tease as you go to get out.
“I don’t need help,” he says softly.
“I know,” you reply. “But how about I just stand there for back up? Just in case?”
He gives you a reluctant look before nodding. You get out and go to his side of the car. He sets his right foot down onto the pavement, and then winces as he tries to do the same with his left. After a minute or two, he finally gets it to move enough he can swing around. He pushes himself up with his right foot, and your reflexes kick in when he stumbles a bit.
“Thanks,” he says when you catch his arm.
“I’ll help you up onto the porch.”
“No, you won’t.” He says it with finality in his tone, but his expression is soft as he looks down at you. “I’m not letting you help me up the steps with you being pregnant. I’ll be okay.”
“I hope so,” you say truthfully.
“You don’t have to stay here and watch me like I’m a little kid you’re dropping off,” he says. “I can make it into the house.”
“Fine,” you laugh a bit. “But please be careful.”
“Yes, Ma’am,” he smiles. You roll your eyes before walking off to get into your car.
Despite his orders, you do sit in the driveway and watch him. He gets to the bottom of the steps before he turns and looks at you. It takes you a minute to realize that you’re both waiting for the same thing. You’re waiting for him to get into the house. He’s waiting for you to leave.
You roll the window down and stick your head out. “Stubborn!” you holler.
“Says the woman stalking me on my own property,” he smirks. “I can get you for trespassing, you know.”
“You wouldn’t dare,” you laugh. He chuckles before waving you on.
“See you later, (Y/N).”
“I’m not leaving until you’re inside that house.”
“Okay,” he shrugs before leaning up against the porch railing. “Fine.”
You wait at least three minutes before you realize he isn’t budging. You feel bad for leaving him until you make sure he’s okay, but you know he needs to get inside and get his left taken care of.
“Fine,” you mutter before putting your car in reverse. He gives you a triumphant smile, and he doesn’t move until he makes sure you’ve disappeared down the road. As soon as you pull into your own garage, you grab your phone and call Jess.
“Hello?” she practically whispers.
“Hey, is this a bad time?” you ask softly.
“No, Kaylee’s asleep in my arms, but I can talk,” she says. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to let you know that you might want to tell Sam to check up on Dean later. He walked by my house tonight and I ended up having to drive him home.”
She sighs a bit. “I bet it’s his knee again,” she says. “He’s going to have to have that surgery done before long.”
Surgery? You frown a bit, but decide not to say anything for now.
“I didn’t want to alarm you, but he seemed to be in a lot of pain.”
“No, thanks for telling us,” she says softly.
“I’ll let you go,” you tell her. “Give Lee Bug a goodnight kiss for me.”
“Kaylee,” she says. “And I will.”
The line goes dead. You wait a minute, debating on whether or not to drive back by Dean’s to check up on him. You never did get his number, so you can’t call him.
But then your phone lights up with a text.
Thanks for the ride home.
You sigh in relief and your phone lights up again.
This is Dean, by the way.
You smile and shake your head a bit before replying.
Who else could it be?
I don’t know. Maybe you moonlight as an Uber driver.
You laugh before replying.
Nope. You’re it.
You get out of your car and walk across the garage to the door. You walk into your house and shut the door behind you before walking towards the stairs. You make it to the living room when your phone pings again.
Glad I’m the only one, sweetheart.
If your heart rate speeds up just a bit at that, you decide to ignore it.
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