Color Me Curious
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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
pixel skylines
almost home
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
EXPECTATIONS
cherry valley forever
Noah Kahan
tannertan36
Fieri Frames
occasionally subtle
Not today Justin
Jimmy Eat World
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Claire Keane
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Cosmic Funnies
#extradirty
YOU ARE THE REASON
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@wingedghostperson-blog
Ayahuasca saved my life. I’m not suicidal anymore. It gave me the “want to” to take steps to build a new life for myself at 55 yrs of age. 55 is young. It’s not 21 but there’s still a lot of life to live. I am breaking up with fear and going steady with love.#ayahuasca #yestolove#notofear#livingmybestlife#startingover#suicidal#thereshope
There really is no where to go for help. I’ve tried to kill myself twice and am very disappointed that neither attempt worked. There is no reason for me to live. None. I want out. I’ve prayed for death .... I’ve prayed for deliverance of this heaviness... it’s like a kick in the stomach right now. Chest hurts. I don’t want to wake up. Then I say tomorrow could be better..... but it never Fucking is. I’ve fucked up my whole life and I just can’t seem to make it right or ALLOW.... I’ve been told I can just allow my life to be better and it will be better... just align with spirit and all is well.... I’m lost and wish I was no longer here on this earth. There’s nothing left to miss and there’s nothing to look forward to. If there is a god I wish she’d take me in my sleep tonight. I’m sooo sad. My spiritual retreat was great and now I’m back to being suicidal. God help me if You Fucking care. I’m just done. Checking out. If I had the means to kill myself I would... I’d leave this place and just go to a dark wooded area and hide and just get it over with. Show me something to Fucking live for cuz I don’t see ANYTHING. Amen
Suicidal ideation kinda sucks
I am a light worker stuck in my own darkness.
This house and home not mine, kids not mine, dog not mine, cats not mine, yard not mine, clothes not mine..... am I being selfish to want something that is mine? To do with it what I want?
I get so tired of reading happiness is a choice. FUCK that. You can’t survive trauma and choose to be happy. Who the fuck wouldn’t choose happiness? Something is missing. If I could instantly choose to lift this damn weight off my chest I would. Anyone would.... there is a piece of the puzzle missing. I aim to find it.... and I hope in the process I don’t hurt anyone or myself.
Its not that I want to be famous for something. It’s I want to be special in someone’s life. To be wanted to participate in someone’s life. I guess as I am writing.... it comes to me that when family asks me to participate.... I believe I have nothing to contribute.... they ask cuz they feel sorry for me. I feel there is something in me that I want to scream out.... and I don’t know what it is. I compare myself to everyone around me and I come up wanting. That’s ME.... not YOU. What’s wrong with me? I compare me to my older sister, she’s married over 30 years and 3 kids grown and 2 grandkids.... the love she must feel! How special she must feel when they look in her eyes with awe. I want to feel special to someone. Humans.... are not meant to be a singular entity.... we are feeling beings. Touch is important. Ugh.... this is random af .... but I guess part of my journey. I’m so tired of the word journey, the word story.....
Some moments are waisted on thinking about what could have been. I feel so much of my time here on earth has been waisted in turmoil. I could have been something wonderful. I could have been part of a beautiful life. But here I sit.... hoping that for my future. Now is all any of us have. And in my NOW I feel so sad. Maybe I am in mourning over the me of the past. She’s gone. My youth is gone. My family is gone. My kids are gone. My husbands are gone. My home is gone. My muscles are gone. The spark is gone. There has got to be something left for ME. I can’t just be here for everyone else! What is here for ME? For ME! Yes! For ME. I am 54, not 24. My energy is gone. My vision in this moment is gone. I can’t see how to move on. How to move on without stepping into the shit of the past. THIS is what I want to know. With the help of Rythmia Life Advancement Center I wil have more of a clear view of what direction to take in this life. In the meantime..... I want to appreciate the NOW.... that’s what we all have and will ever have. Today marks 1month since my last suicide attempt. I want to feel like “I’m soooo happy to be alive “.... but I don’t. That’s my truth. I feel like I’m a temporary decoration, just to look at for a time..... and then looked at like “what do we do with it now?” I gather dust and that just is not good enough for me.
I am about to bloom. Does the bud feel like this when spring comes? Does she realize how beautiful she is? Does she know that her perfume is in expectation? When she’s a seed in the ground, when she’s being watered and feels like drowning, when she’s feeling the weight of the earth on her shoulders, does she know how beautiful she is?
I deserve love.
What to do.... what to do.... I feel energies in the room. Very much so. I used to think it was all me... and blame myself for feeling tight in my heart, for feeling useless, for feeling numb, for feeling egoistic, for feeling guilty, for feeling entitled. It’s YOU. Not me. Yes sometimes it’s NOT me. It’s YOU. I need to know this. You don’t. You are on your own path, and I mine. You have confirmed the fact that I am sensitive. I have a knowing. I just do. And in this case I know it is definitely you. Period. I will brush off the negativity you spill out at dinner time. It’s not what you say.... it’s your energy. Your aloofness. Your lack of eye contact. Your position on your chair. The way you comb your hair. It all spells distance. Not from everybody at the table. Just ME.
So much has happened
Since I killed myself twice
Attempted twice
I should say...
I failed.
Now what?
Ayahuasca is what.
That’s what.
That’s what will show me ME
And what I do with her.
I miss my days in the warm sunshine, partaking of maryjane and listening to nature and feeling one with nature. I can’t seem to do that without the plant.
Doing my best to stay away from gluten, grains, spices, sugar, and meat in preparation for my stay at Rythmia Life Advancement Center on January 20, 2019. Here is where I will share my miracle. I’ve watched a lot of videos about ayahuasca and what to expect and also .... what not to expect.... and too, don’t have any expectations. I am open to what Mother Ayahuasca has to show me and tell me. I’m ready to hear it. I’m ready to see it. I do have some fear, mainly of shitting myself! But another thing struck my heart today that I may have to face.... the soul of the baby I aborted in 1988. I’ve thought about her every day since.(my heart tells me it was a girl) that’s probably the scariest thing is to face the soul that I rejected.😢 I’ve always wondered about what happens to that soul, is it reincarnated somewhere? Is it in heaven? There’s still so much sadness there. I’d ask her forgiveness. I’d love to be able to forgive myself. That’s part of the miracle I’m hoping for❤️
If trauma can happen in a moment... so can healing.... just have to know where to look and want to let go. Soon I will be going to Rythmia Life Transformation Center in Costa Rica. 95% success rate. Gonna let some shit go. Gonna meet myself. Gonna retrieve my #soul. #rythmia # ayahuasca
Today... not owning “Mentally ill “.... I was not born that way. I was born free as a perfect reflection of Mother Nature. Claiming my place in the sunshine.