THERE REALLY HADN’T BEEN A CHOICE. thrown into this world & this time like the deep end of a pool, but more like an ocean really. at first steve had felt like nothing so much as a stone, heavy and weighted with his own history & grief. like all his strength was not enough to keep his head above the waterline, no matter how furiously he kicked his feet and struggled. like all the air, all the lightness and buoyancy had gone out of him.
then-- just when he’d thought he would slip under, drown alone in the dark & cold water again. he felt like there was a grip around his biceps, underneath his shoulders something and someone who cared enough to lift him up. save him from himself.
not all their world saving was the dramatic flash of ruined cities, it wasn’t all armies of aliens from outer space and huge smouldering wreckage from the burnt remains of one doomsday device or another. sometimes it was a was as simple-- as quiet as tony opening up his home to him-- to all of them. sometimes saving somebody's life could be a quiet little thing-- a different kind of heroism than running into a battle shield first against stacked odds.
steve knew that, because it was the way he’d been saved. not from any world ending threat-- but from himself. still hard to thank him-- because tony would cut him off, kissing steve to silence. never letting him finish.
but of course, tony would save him. tony was heroism itself-- modern heroism embodied really. heroism that didn’t just save the world from the big world-ending threats...but worked at building it better everyday-- on the big & small scales.
tony never saw that though, only saw--- bloody hands & the chance for self-redemption but steve has kissed those knuckles, felt the sweet rough catch of those mechanic’s callouses against his face, his neck-- all over. he’d never tasted copper on them, or flinched away from their touch.
even now-- even with ULTRON. it doesn’t change anything. tony saved him and steve-- steve wants to save tony back. wants to catch him when he falls. already failed him once because he should have seen. seen the fear in tony’s eyes and known somebody was trying to manipulate him.
& he knows how much tony hates that. hates being manipulated. being used for the worst aspects of what his brain was capable of.
steve should have protected him -- but he’d been too distracted by his own thoughts. too busy with his renewed bloodlust for hydra, for his own side search for bucky barnes. for all the people steve should be saving lately-- he’s not saved much of anybody at all. not even himself.
he has to DO BETTER. he can do better.
( can save tony from himself the way that tony saved him from himself. a beautiful & poetic symmetry. the way they can compliment each other at their best. )
“ all of you, yes. “ tony was part of them, a fundamental part, part of the foundation of this. whatever this still was. the avengers, so mighty but cracked along fault lines. but they haven’t fallen apart yet. and as tony was prone to reminding him ‘we can rebuild it. we have the technology’ laughing at the references that steve didn’t get and didn’t have to-- not if it made tony smile like that. so maybe there was hope for them, the avengers. & just maybe-- for steve & tony as well.
and tony is whispering to him that he doesn’t think he’s a saint. it’s both a lie & an absolute truth. steve knows that because he knows how tony values him, his happiness but by the same turn-- ignores his own well being. devalues himself and his contributions. & steve tries to tell him that it’s not that way, that he wouldn’t be with tony if he thought tony were---not worth it.
TONY IS WORTH IT. he will always be worth it to steve.
( he should have told tony that more than he has.)
“ okay, not a saint but--still worth more than you right? in the equations that big brain of yours spits out. i know you think i’m-- better or.. or more important than you. “ he hates the words even as he says them, lip wobbling threateningly before he bites it into stillness.
tony is cradling his face, palms on his cheeks and fingers into his hair. like there’s an edge of desperation to it, like tony thinks he’s not going to be allowed to touch him like this much longer. like he’s expecting to be rebuffed for it even now. steve learns into it even more because of that, like he can still soothe this one fear. like he can still the hero tony needs for him to be at the moment.
“ i’m not in the habit of saying things i don’t believe. “ but it’s not enough-- can’t just say that. he opens his eyes. gives tony the full weight of his gaze, the truth of his convictions, the unshakeable foundation of him.
“ i think everything you do is motivated by love. ”
“ for us, for the world, for science and the infinite possibilities you see in it to help people. you love the world & the future. i think-- it think it’s the best part of you. you have so much capacity to care about people tony. “
