☾ lima ✩ @winpeg - Tumblr Blog

hello! i’m lima (they/she) & this is my samdean sideblog safe haven ヾ(´〇｀)ﾉ ♡ (ain’t that a mouthful)

28 y/o spn veteran back from the dead to bother you all about samdean !

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there is 18+ content below, so beware! wincest, proship, some dark themes and good times.

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mothercain

Circus

What if I broke my spine forever? My sister would come into the room to draw her portraits in charcoal, of two bulging eyes in a sea of haze grey. Each portrait is no bigger than an index card, arranged on a piece of rigid stock paper, tessellated and horribly consistent. All those dead eyes staring out at her as she renders them incapable of telling her anything. “I hate you” she would say to me, every time she would finish another. “You’ve ruined it. You’ve completely ruined it.” She would storm out the room, echoing for complete lack of furniture, and I would be left alone with them to watch over me.

I would ask you to pick me up and you would do so carefully, my limp body soft and complete. Can you carry me, lay me on the mattress in the back of the house? Or on the ground, it doesn’t make a difference to me. Sometimes I think you don’t believe I can’t feel anything and most of the time I don’t believe you can imagine what that’s like.

“Crush me” I tell you. I can only blink my eyes and move my mouth. I could probably wiggle my ears if I tried but I never feel up to it. You would gently press down on my breasts and my rib cage.

“Can you feel that?”

I slowly move my head left to right and back again.

I think about outside and what it feels like to be there. The treetops and the june-bugs and the hatred I feel for summertime. Everyone has gone on without me.

“Hit me.”

You look at me like you don’t want to but I know where your wonder hides, in the small places like a boy afraid of his own shadow.

You punch me in my side, my arm, my stomach.

“Can you feel that?”

I smile so big like I’m at the circus.

“Cut me.”

“What?”

“Cut me.”

You look down at me on the mattress. Here I am, unmoving and so horny.

“Please, baby, if I never ask anything of you ever again, just cut me.”

Wonder-boy takes his buck knife and carves a small canyon on my upper thigh. I wouldn’t know if I hadn’t watched him do it.

“Again.”

He looks me in my eyes as he separates another layer of subcutaneous. It is pink and red and yellow and blue and disgusting. I am butter and cottage cheese inside.

He stands there over me, belt unbuckled, denim undone, sweating, afraid, wonder creeping out for a closer look. His eyes are wild, so far from the fog of mine. Yet, we both want the very same thing. He removes his penis from his clothes and his clothes from his body and he slides it, hard as stone, back and forth through the gushing flesh of my upper thigh. I can’t feel a thing but I could cum just from watching. I have my own wonder too. The air in the room is hung from the ceiling unmoving like a puppet sleeping on his gallows. I am so lucky that he loves me, I am I am I am. He fucks my butchered leg like a stray dog and I cum over and over and over again watching him.

We embrace like kin in the hospital waiting room. “I am so lucky that he loves me” I think as he holds me. Despite the bright red picture I’ve painted in the white lobby tonight, they ask of me just five minutes. I don’t mind. If I don’t look, it makes no difference to me.

#i think about this a lot #very often #more than normal #ethel cain #hayden anhedönia

hunnismokah

i have nothing to add to this LMAO

sorry not sorry

#wincest #spn #sam winchester #dean winchester #supernatural #incest #whoop there it is #twitter

chapelh1ll

Sammy and Ethel

weaksspot

trying to remember how to draw 👍

myloveonherknees

@mothercain. “untouched and mad about it” twitter, 9 apr 2021.

serotoninbitch

Perverts - Ethel Cain: a discussion

I am doing a whole album listen in the dark with my noise cancelling headphones on. Let's begin.

(these are just my thoughts as i listen to each song please be mindful that art is up the interpreter and some people may experience the same thing differently)

remember. it's happening to everybody

Perverts

The first song off the album, and it's starts strong with the eerie sounds of an old church hymn. "Nearer my God to thee" It gets more and more distorted, giving the impression that whatever we are experiencing is not entirely real. Is most of it made up in our own heads? For our own sanity? The song suddenly cuts, and we are met with white noise. Soothing at first - but eerie, indistinguishable words are spoken. The white noise gets stronger and stronger, louder, buzzing in our ears. What are we being told here? Are we even supposed to know? Is it subliminal? Who is listening?

There's mechanical whirring and beeping, very industrial, especially with the sound of large fans - almost as if you're in a shut down factory. You feel very lonely. Maybe the voice is in your own head.

There's soft moaning, it echoes in the background. For all we know, it's you. Droning picks up. It builds and builds and builds. Louder, stronger. As if we are coming closer to the source of this noise. Will we finally figure out what lies ahead?

Sudden, loud noise, it's shocks you at first. It drones on with a voice telling you "no one you know is a good person" is this you trying to convince yourself? or someone else telling you what you already know to be true?

the sound continues. it's almost deafening. the whirring won't stop either. the sound turns off ... and back on, almost like an alarm. a security breach? are we somewhere we are not meant to be?

Heaven, heaven, heaven

Heaven has forsaken the masturbator.

Are we condemned? doomed to live out eternity in the nothingness we experience now? or is this our subconscious? reliving the shame and guilt we are taught from such a young age.

that noise again.

louder this time.

we are given time to sit with these thoughts. a long... long time, it feels like. will this ever end? the persistent, monotonous drone of life?

it ends suddenly.

"it's happening to everybody" is a powerful way to end the first song, it establishes that what we are experiencing here isn't the only time it has happened. everybody goes through this. the things you feel, the things you do; it's what every human goes through.

Punish

The second song, the single off the album. I feel that this being released a single gave us a lot of insight into what was to be expected off this album. The song starting off with an uncomfortable, violin-esque sound. It's out of tune... grating almost. However, we still have the soft piano over top of it. Sugar coating the experience. Letting us in gently.

Hayden has expressed what this song was written about - so i'm not here to reiterate that. This is pretty much just how i personally feel and interpret while listening to this.

"Whatever's wrong with me, I'll take to bed." We see that there is no use in changing the way we are...how fucked up we are. It's something we have learned to live with.

"Little death like lead, poisonous and heavy - it has always been this way." as stated before, we have learned to live with the guilt and shame of being sexual, it lives with us every day. it was engrained in us from a very very young age to be ashamed. to not express yourself or feel things that are natural to come to you in adolescence which follows you into adulthood.

What does it mean to be punished by love? That is a very personal question. When it feels like whatever you love you destroy? That you are incapable of love itself?

"Shame is sharp, and my skin gives so easy." to me, this is an easy metaphor for self harm, and it cuts deeper when you can relate to it. being so ashamed of yourself, seeing only one way to end the torment in your mind. to let it all out in hopes it'll never come back.

but it always does.

"Only God knows, only God would believe, that I was Angel... but they made me leave-"

We are met with an intense guitar at this line, which is repeated to us. sending chills down your spine. goosebumps covering your body.

we were punished... by who? who made us leave? we did things only God himself would know about.

The song picks up in intensity, we are met with the aggressiveness of her tone. it's changed. are we no longer ashamed? are we now angry? possessive?

Housofpsychoticwomn

The song fades directly into this, a beautiful transition. And we are immediately met with an incessant ticking along with a voice repeatedly telling us "I love you."

There's that mechanical whirring again. Are we still where we started? Did we ever leave? Find the source of the noise? Are we forever doomed to stay here in ignorant bliss?

The noise becomes distorted. Louder. It feels as if the room is spinning. Your heart picks up speed along with it. There's someone here with you. Talking into each ear, barely above a whisper. You can't hear it above the whirring. It's too loud.

The voice still tells us "I love you" but there's a different explanation with each time it's said. The voice can't come up with a clear meaning for us. Telling us maybe it isn't meant to be explained... but they love us still.

An angelic voice raises, the droning has not stopped. We strain our ears to try and listen to the voice.

"Do you think you'll ever understand what it means to be loved? You don't, and you never will"

How does the voice know? Why are they holding us to such high standards?

It reiterates "I love you" "I do, I do, I do, I do." The voice becomes deeper, the words don't sound meaningful, they sound menacing.

In what way do they love us?

There's a garbled noise, it sounds monstrous. Like something is about to devour you.

"I love you" is repeated to us. over and over and over and over again. the throaty noise returns. Do they mean it? We will never know. But it's the only love we have been shown so far.

Are we being comforted? Are we being threatened? It seems we are stuck somewhere in the middle.

Heavy breathing. The whirring picks up now. We are reaching the peak. The climax. Everything has built up to this point.

Do you think after each love you it becomes stronger or weaker?

IT"S LOUD

Our system is shocked. Is this the end?

"I love you." We keep hearing it. Throughout the mind-numbing sound.

Then - just like that it's over.

The come down from the high. To me, this song is very erotic as much as it is a bit terrifying.

i love you

Vacillator

"Vacillator" is someone who is indecisive, often due to fear.

The transition to this song is much more drastic. It's quiet. We are met with a steady drum beat. To me, very reminiscent of a heartbeat.

The chills this song gives me. It reminds me of a love song in the beginning. Sweet nothings.

The title of this song becomes clear with the lines: "You won't lose me to thunder and lightning, but you could to crowded rooms." your attention is pulled elsewhere, and you are found having to make a hard decision, which isn't your strong suit.

"Close to door, let me in." i imagine the lights are turned low, the door being closed softly, crawling onto the bed and lowering body on top of body. let me in.

the drums again. hearts beating togehter.

"If you love me keep it to yourself." there's that indecisive nature again. afraid of being loved, of showing love and affection if it isn't a sexual act. because then that makes it real. tangible. instead of living in the fantasy that is sex.

it's said over and over again. akin to the previous song. getting the point across.

the heartbeat has stopped. we are left with white noise.

Onanist

"Onanist" is usually referring to a man that masturbates. it comes from the name "Onan" who is referenced in the Bible as son of Judah.

This is one of my favorite songs off the album.

The static sounds in the background give it an analog feel. The whole album really does, but this song shoves it in your face (which i enjoy)

The background vocals are hauntingly beautiful. They make you want to chase for more.

The lyrics are drawn out, hymnal, angelic. You feel the reverb as if you are seated in an empty church.

"But there, before the grace of God, Go I" This is a line used in a song off of the Inbred EP in "God's Country". a nice callback and the way she sings it differently here so it has a completely separate meaning. wonderful.

The song drops heavily, bass ringing in your ears with her words. it's intense, a stark contrast to what we have witnessed the past few songs. it sends chills throughout my body.

the song gets higher, louder, messier, before it drops off completely.

"It feels good." we hear this repeated. the words spoken in a monotone voice, not of someone who is actually experiencing anything good. are we saying it feels good to appease someone else?

it feels good

there's hesitation before saying "good" as if we are trying to convince ourselves that is does actually feel good. that we are doing a good job. to live is to perform.

at the end of the song we are left with

"It feels-"

and we are never given an answer as to what it finally feels like. that;s up to us to figure out.

Pulldrone

probably the most controversial song off the album and to me the most beautiful. you can see the care and work that went into the album as a whole and this song really emphasizes that.

this song describes the stages of "Simulacrum" a theory by Jean Baudrillard which talks about the phenomenon of a copy without an original. Basically, finding relationships between symbols, reality, and society.

the definition of "Simulacrum is ...The simulacrum is never that which conceals the truth—it is the truth which conceals that there is none. The simulacrum is true.[3]

we are led through each stage 1-12. I won't go through describing each one, I think this is a personal experience. but we can grasp the feeling of needing to know throughout the entire album. this brings it home.

After stage 6, we are met with a sort of gong ring, it calls attention to us, sort of like we are meditating. to this song, I like to close my eyes and visualize what she is speaking about.

i will say the one that stands out to me the most is Eight

"Eight, resentment Are these laurels to be proud of? Let me tell you how much I've come to hate you since I began to live Hate, hate"

it's also here that the droning begins to pick up, you can tell we are reaching some sort of peak... or at least we are on our way there. i feel like I need to go somewhere, to do something, to get up and away.

"Ten, degradation, nature chews on me." We are brought back to "Punish"

"I am that I was as I no longer am, for I am nothing." The way she says this line, so sure of it. the way her voice deepens and distorts at the end. the droning and mechanical whirr louder now. the only thing we hear.

is this... nothing? are we all... nothing?

the buzzing picks up, it's metallic, dangerous, enticing. it's a violin out of tune, it's a rusty windmill on the side of a dead highway. the sound picks up. drones on and on.

there's that bell again, longer... fading, echoing away in the distance. it's farther from us now. we are being brought closer to the source of this whirring. it picks up up up. large, industrial fans threatening to take off limbs. there's no one here to operate them. we are alone. we are nothing it seems.

a hack saw. cutting through nothing.

it's vibrating. thrumming throughout your body.

the sound is cut off. the severe shift throws you off. it's back as soon as it left, harder this time.

electrical whirring in the background of all of this. heat. radiating.

the bell again. much softer than last time. are we being summoned back?

it's up and down and up and down. unsure now which way is up.

at this point to me, it sounds like a vibrator. you're desperate for release. it's dying. you're dying to get off.

and it's back, louder, higher, you've reached the peak. we sit in this high for a while. until is breaks off awkwardly a few times. though we still try to keep that high. eventually left with nothing.

Etienne

another favorite of mine

this song is so melancholic. i cried my first listen. the rushing water beneath the ethereal piano. it feels like saying goodbye.

i think this is meant to make us feel saddened, alone, empty.

then the guitar picks up. we are given a sense of hope amongst the nothingness. it's the sort of heartache where you hold on to one last string, grasp at straws, leaving nothing untouched until you finally can't hang on any longer.

the ending words cut deep. wanting to die. seeking a way out and it doesn't work. we can take the running literally. running away from our problems. eventually - we will all have to face them. our time will come.

Thatorchia

my absolute favorite

after the melancholy and acceptance of Etienne, we are met with strong, grating noises. it brings us back to our senses.

the sound fades into wispy, effervescent noises. there's vocals in the background. calling to us.

it's haunting. it's beautiful. like a siren calling you to your death. I'd surely follow.

we go deeper, the sounds are picking up, we are too far gone

that guitar... FUCK it's so good. chills every time. it fills me with DREAD. it makes me excited. it makes me scream in agony. i feel everything and nothing all at once. it's a heavy weight on my chest I can't bear to lose.

we have this build up - to a beautiful outro. and it cuts out. leaves you hanging on for more.

Amber Waves

a perfect ending to this album. waving us goodbye.

"Take just as much as you need. to feel good."

is this good advice? probably not. but i understand it and i would do it too. i want to feel good.

"Days go by, time on without me." We are feeling disconnected from the world, watching it go by. in a catatonic state.

"Is it not fun, to feel many other ways?"

it's not, which is why the alcohol is abused, in order to feel nothing instead of everything. numb.

"But I'll be alright, me and my amber waves" here meaning alcohol, keeping her sane, yet keeping her detached from reality.

"I'll be alright, I'll-" we are cut off here, back to the

"Is it not fun, to feel many other ways?"

this song is denial, turning to other things instead of having to face reality. why would we do that? it hurts.

we are met with strong chords, emphasizing the point. there is nothing. we have to sit with these thoughts for a while. let it all soak in. the reality does finally hit us. it will happen, no matter what we do.

it's happening to everybody.

it's quieter now. soft. comforting. laying us down to rest. she sings to us. a choral, echoing voice, fading softly.

"I can't feel anything."

this album feels so personal, so important. i really feel like Hayden has come into herself and her music style. listening to her ambient projects on soundcloud really emphasize this point. it's going double platinum in this house!!

thank you Hayden! thank you to everyone who worked to make this project happen. ♡

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☾ lima ✩