[winsmoke]

The toothfairy welcomes you warmly. You will find angst, smut, and magic here.

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[neocatharsis]

Oh babe~ @ # $ %!

[starryhyuck]

how to marry a rake. (m)

pairing: bridgerton!jaehyun x afab!reader

words: 12.5k+

summary: you are the bane of lord jeong’s existence and the object of all his desires.

genre: fluff, angst, smut

warnings: enemies to lovers trope (kind of), fuckboy!jaehyun, arranged marriage trope, jaehyun is down bad, pussy eating, fingering, loss of virginity

As the new social season approaches, your rising anxiety increases tenfold.

It has been four years since you were introduced to society, which is deemed far too long to be unwed for a lady like yourself. Your mother is nearly chewing her own arm off in anticipation of you finding a husband. She definitely would have married you off to the first gentleman caller by now, but luckily for you, your father refuses to tie you to another man unless you provide your stamp of approval. He possesses a soft spot for his only child that your mother never understood.

Unfortunately, the pool of suitors is extremely lacking, forcing you to pass by season after season with no husband in sight.

“Perhaps this year will be different,” Yerim coos. “They say Mrs. Kim’s son is particularly eye-catching.”

“He’s also a right bore,” you grumble, locking your arms together as you stroll into Mrs. Kim’s soirée. You’ve heard many tales of her son, Doyoung, and how he’s finally ready to settle down and take a wife. However, you also heard he is unwilling to sit for a conversation for more than an hour, and how his expectations for his wife are skyrocketing through the roof. “Maybe I shall just put him out of his misery and marry Lee Donghyuck.”

She struggles to conceal her laughter. “I would love to see that.”

The night carries on as expected, with you and Yerim spending your time near the wall while the other ladies dance around the floor. You deny multiple requests for your hand, conjuring up excuses of a strained ankle or an upset stomach.

It is not until the end of the night when you are confronted with your lie.

“A poor tummy, hm? Perhaps you should have stayed home in case you heave all over Mrs. Kim’s beautiful floor,” Jeong Jaehyun says as he approaches you.

You roll your eyes. “I imagine you find it quite hard to mind your own business, Lord Jeong. I would rather not be subject to hearing your grating voice if it is not deemed necessary.”

Out of all the gentlemen in the ton, Jeong Jaehyun is the one who has stooped low enough to classify himself as a proper rake. A man who preys on the hearts of women and lacks commitment — a rake is not a man that a lady would ever want to associate herself with. They do not take the concept of marriage seriously, and you shall likely find them in the bed of another woman before they grace your own.

Jaehyun smirks at you in the way he knows will dig underneath your skin. He has been out in society just as long as you have, and every year, he never fails to irritate you to no end.

“No luck for you tonight? Tell me, what could possibly be wrong with the wonderful men gracing this room? How have they wronged you so that you have denied every single one of them?”

You try to look for an escape, but Yerim has already made an early departure and the rest of the ladies refuse to mingle with you in fear of also being dubbed as a lonely spinster.

“I did not know you were paying attention to me so ardently,” you bite back, and this has Jaehyun’s ears blooming bright red. You smile in satisfaction.

“I-I was not doing anything of t-the sort,” he stutters. “It is simply hard not to notice when you are the only lady actively rejecting possible suitors. If you really want to drive them away, you should just open your mouth and talk to them. That shall have them running for the hills.”

You narrow your eyes and wonder how much of a scolding you shall receive from your mother if you threw your drink in his face. He guesses what you must be thinking, cupping his hand over your glass and handing it to a nearby staff member.

He continues, stepping closer into your personal space. “Soon enough, the only ones who will be left in this ballroom will be me and you.”

“I loathe the day,” you hiss. “It would personally be my worst nightmare.”

He winks at you. “Trust me, you shall not find a gentleman better than me.”

You hear someone clearing their throat and you both glance over to see Kim Doyoung standing in front of you. You immediately drop to a curtsy at his presence, and you hear Jaehyun scoff at the fact that you did not grant him the same etiquette.

“I hope I am not interrupting, Miss,” Doyoung says.

“Of course not, Lord Kim,” you reply. “Lord Jeong was just telling me how he plans to retire early for the night.”

Jaehyun raises an eyebrow at you and you return his bewildered expression with a heated glare. You would be very content if he made himself useful somewhere else, likely with his hands underneath another maiden’s dress.

“Yes, it seems I have another obligation to head to for the night,” Jaehyun says through gritted teeth, displeased by your dismissal of him. “I shall thank your mother for being a spectacular host before my leave, Lord Kim.”

Doyoung nods once. “It would be much appreciated. Thank you, Lord Jeong.”

Jaehyun departs with one more scathing look thrown your way. You grin to yourself, happy to be rid of his presence, until Doyoung starts speaking and ruins your night.

“I have heard from your mother that you are in search of a husband. I find myself in a similar boat, and I would much enjoy it if you were to accept my offer for tea tomorrow afternoon.”

You could say no. It would not be hard to make up another excuse, but your mother would be absolutely livid to discover you have turned down an offer from Doyoung, especially after she practically handed him to you on a silver platter.

One afternoon of tea shall not kill you.

“That sounds lovely. I look forward to our discussion.”

When you turn to beeline for the exit, you catch a pair of eyes peering over at you, and you swear you see a flash of Jaehyun’s hair before he disappears into the crowd.

Hm. You must be seeing things.

—

Your mother acts as if afternoon tea with Doyoung equates to an audience with the king.

She dresses you in a gown she brings out for special occasions and has your handmaidens spray perfume on you until you are drowning in the floral scent. When she accompanies you to the tea parlor, she lists out your annoying habits that you should try to avoid.

You were not made aware that you possessed so many.

“And the way you look at him, darling, it is extremely unflattering. He can tell you hate him by the way you desire to burn him alive with your gaze. Stare at him with conviction. Make his loins stir from one simple glance at you.”

You pinch the bridge of your nose. “Mother, I shall say that I find this advice to be highly unhelpful.”

She growls at you. “You are nearly four and twenty without a single acceptance for a suitor’s hand in marriage. You shall adhere to any advice I am willing to offer you.”

Doyoung helps take out your chair like a gentleman, and you thank him while your mother sits one table behind you, eavesdropping on your conversation.

He cuts straight to the chase. “What traits do you envision for your future husband to possess?”

Your grip tightens around your teacup. You wonder what to say to ward him off, to get him to move onto the next lady.

“A man who will let me maintain my own hobbies and interests. I want to have children on my own time, not on the timeline my husband sets for me,” you answer, knowing that it is not the typical response a lady of your breeding is supposed to say. You are supposed to submit to your husband’s preferences instead of prioritizing your own. “I ask that he respects my wishes and swears his loyalty to me. I will not, in any circumstances, marry a rake.”

“This one is all bark and no bite, Doyoung. I would not take her threats to heart.”

You clench your jaw when Jaehyun approaches your table with a wide smirk on his face. He appears to be dressed for tea as well, but you see no partner by his side to accompany him. He must be here simply to intervene in your meeting with Doyoung.

“Lord Jeong,” you greet in clear distaste. “I was not aware you had been frequenting tea parlors as of late.”

“Ah, you must not be enlightened of my many passions then,” he replies with a cheeky smile. You resist the urge to slap it off of his face. “The madam who runs this shop has a fond affection for me. I always like to drop by and grab a free pastry.”

“How kind of you to take from the hard work of the common people at no charge,” you challenge with the tilt of your head.

Doyoung clears his throat when he senses the tension between you and Jaehyun rising with every scathing remark. You glance back to see your mother staring at you in abhorrence, and you quickly straighten your posture and adjust your tone.

“I apologize, Lord Jeong. I have been enjoying my time with Lord Kim. I am certain you have somewhere else you need to be.”

Jaehyun, to your chagrin, pulls up a chair. “Actually, my schedule is wide open for the day. I would love to join you.”

Doyoung stares at you, wordlessly asking if this is normal behavior, but you are too pissed off to respond. If Jaehyun wanted to cause a scene, he could have done so when you are not trying to prove to your mother that you still care about searching for a husband.

Your fingernails dig into the corner of the table and you lean forward to hiss at Jaehyun.

“Are you positive you have nowhere else to be?”

He smiles. “Absolutely. Now, catch me up on what you two were discussing. I would love to throw my hat into the conversation.”

Evidently, you and Doyoung have yet to be on the same wavelength for what you should and should not bring up in front of Jaehyun.

“I was asking her what she looks for in her future spouse.”

Jaehyun turns to you with a smirk. “Oh, is that so? Well, please, do not silence yourself on my behalf. I would love to hear the answer.”

“I already gave it to him,” you say in exasperation. “Maybe we should turn the tables on you. What does a rake like Jeong Jaehyun look for in a wife? Likely one that easily spreads her legs?”

You hear a gasp from behind you, and you know it is your mother’s shock at your candor. But you shall not allow Jaehyun to get the better of you and humiliate you in front of Doyoung. You hardly care if this statement will earn you a reputation for your crass nature.

The corner of Jaehyun’s lips twitches in amusement, only fueling fire to your flame.

“I would like for my wife to challenge me. It is not as fun when they comply with my every demand,” he says, and you fail to realize how the distance between you has closed in your heated spat. “I like a lady who knows how to speak up for herself, to voice her thoughts without concern for anyone else’s feelings.”

You scoff. Where in the world is Jaehyun going to find a lady like that?

“Good luck with your search, Lord Jeong. I have conviction that there is at least one lady out there who is meant to be with you.”

“I really should be going,” Doyoung says, standing and nearly toppling over the table.

You glance up at him in alarm. “Oh, I am sorry, Lord Kim. Let me just gather my things and-”

“No need, Miss. It must have slipped my mind that my mother asked for my presence back at home. I hope you enjoy the rest of your afternoon.”

He scurries out of the tea parlor as if the place had been set to flames. You stare after him with your jaw dropped, offended by his poor excuse to leave you behind.

You growl at Jaehyun. “Oh, you have seriously done it now, Jeong.”

“Come on. Do not tell me you were actually considering that man to be your husband.”

Your mother’s figure looms over you and you shyly look up to meet her judgmental gaze head on.

“I believe it is time for us to return home. We hope you have a wonderful evening, Lord Jeong.”

You’re dragged away by the crook of your arm, glaring at Jaehyun while your mother dishes out the biggest scolding you have ever received in your life.

—

“Your mother has brought me a proposal that I think may be in your favor.”

Your father is hesitant when he enters your study, catching you reading books by the fire. It is often the pastime you favor when your mother is upset with you, which has become more frequent in the past year. Your father is the one who searches out for you to try and talk you down, amending your qualms with your mother for a harmonious household.

“I shall not marry Kim Doyoung, father,” you say with the shake of your head. “He embarrassed me in front of the entire ton today! I will not be able to stave away the mortification for days.”

He sits next to you on the chaise lounge and looks at you solemnly.

“I have not come to converse about Kim Doyoung. I am speaking about Jeong Jaehyun.”

You furrow your eyebrows. “What does Lord Jeong have to do with this? He is the reason why Lord Kim fled from me in the first place.”

Your father wrings his hands around nervously, and you speculate on what has him so antsy. He is usually very candid with you about your behavior, which means you must have crossed a hard line if he’s withholding information from you.

“Lord Jeong’s mother came around this afternoon after your incident at the tea parlor. She thinks her son is acting far too reckless and wants him to settle down. She is considering sending him to his uncle’s house in the country if he does not start listening to her wishes.”

“That does not sound like a bad idea,” you reply with a giggle.

He offers you a strained smile. “Yes, your mother was thinking the same thing. Except she was imagining it for you.”

You leap out of your seat. He must be lying. Your mother cannot possibly be entertaining the idea of shipping you off to her brother’s house. He lives on acres and acres of land without a soul in sight except for the farm animals he cares for.

It would be your absolute nightmare.

“Father, please tell me you objected to this,” you plead, your heart sinking to the bottom of your stomach.

“Of course I did, darling,” he sighs, assuring you. “But then your mother and Lord Jeong’s came to an agreement that I could not oppose. I saved you from being shipped off, but in a few months’ time, you shall find yourself married to Jeong Jaehyun.”

You gasp. “F-Father, you cannot! You promised that I would get the final approval!”

He takes your hands in his and pulls you back towards his side. You are trembling at the picture of you and Jaehyun living as husband and wife. You would fight everyday and drive yourselves into a haze of madness.

“Darling, there shall never ever be a man good enough for you. I knew it from the day you were born, but your mother’s insistence on this matter has forced my hand. I think Jaehyun is a fine young man. You may not grow to love him, but he shall never put you in harm’s way. It is the most important quality a father can ask of his son-in-law.”

You start to tear up. “Please, father. Do not do this. Do not make me marry him.”

He pities you. “We shall start slow, darling. He shall be your escort to Mrs. Park’s upcoming ball and we shall ease into announcing your engagement. If he does anything untoward or compromises your virtue, I swear to you I shall back out of this deal.”

“But why can you not back out now?” You whine, wiping away the tears streaming down your face. “Why can you not save me now?”

He winces as if your pain physically brings him harm. You understand your father has bailed you out of your mother’s many propositions before, but you honestly cannot let this one slip through. Jaehyun is the exact opposite of who you envision yourself marrying.

He has to be just as horrified by this proposal as you are. You have no doubt he’s sitting in a similar situation to you, arguing with his mother over her ultimate decision to alter the course of his life. This must be the first agreement you have landed on in history.

“You shall not realize it now, but I am saving you from a lifetime of heartache, trust me.”

You spend the rest of the night weeping in your bedchamber, burdened by Jaehyun’s constant overbearing presence in your life. You think back on all of the memories you have of him, and if this changes the way you feel about your inevitable coupling.

—

When you first met Jaehyun, it had been your first season out in society. You were optimistic back then, drinking in the fairytales of finding your one true love at your first ball.

You were not the only one jaded by love as many of the other ladies your age had fantasized about their first ball as an eligible lady for years. You would gossip to each other while promenading around the veranda, dreaming of the young bachelor who would swoop you up in his arms and make all your dreams come true.

You had known a few of the men from growing up with them as noble families. They were usually brothers of your closest friends, and your nose would twist in disgust at the thought of being courted by them. You were stubborn about your choice in a husband even back then.

Jaehyun had been the talk of the town that year. He already made an impression on the older ladies, winning them to his side with his dimples and classic charm. You heard of him through Yerim and how many of the other ladies were vying after the massive amount of wealth in his estate. He was one of the richest bachelors of the season, and any lady who was wed to him would automatically be elevated to a higher social status.

You assumed that because of his upbringing, he would act in a more gentleman-like fashion than the rest of his peers. You were proved wrong by his display of behavior at your first ball.

“Is he planning to dance with every lady in this room?” You asked Yerim, watching as Jaehyun once again swept through the floor with a different lady latched onto his arm. “I mean, every dance card in this place has his name written on it.”

She laughed at you. “Can you blame him? He has a lot of prospects. Everyone knows he’s the first pick of the season.”

“It is disrespectful. He is toying with their feelings for his own amusement. I do not like it.”

She poked you with a twinkle of mischief sparkling in her eyes. “No, you do not like that he has not asked you. You want a chance with him, do you not?”

You scoffed at the assumption. “Absolutely not. I have my sights set on a much higher man than Lord Jeong.”

You were so adamant on your superiority over him that when he approached you later that night for a dance, you swiftly rejected him.

“I think you have had enough dances for the night. Would you not agree, Lord Jeong?”

He narrowed his eyes at you, likely wondering what he had done to already get on your bad side.

“One more shall not bring me harm. Unless your dancing skills are not up to par, Miss?”

You grinned at him. “My dancing skills are meant for a man who shall actually appreciate my talents instead of using me to cross another name off his list.”

That was the first time you had drawn Jaehyun’s interest.

—

Your mother had not been so gracious with you by your second year.

You had fumbled through a shoddy proposal from Kim Jungwoo, who was far too nervous to actually place a ring on your finger. You unfortunately injured his ego way too far for him to recover, and he quickly withdrew his proposal with his tail tucked between his legs.

Your mother blamed you for the ordeal and ordered at least five new dresses for you to present yourself in your second season. Luckily, Yerim had not caught any gentleman callers either, and you two began flocking together at every event.

By then, Jaehyun’s infamous status as a rake had spread across the ton.

He had been spotted slipping out of brothels late at night, flirting with married women when their husbands were away, and escorting random ladies to balls just for the fun of it. You never possessed a single ounce of respect for him.

Despite this, Jaehyun would not seem to leave you alone.

Every time you turned a corner, he would be there, waiting to surprise you with an insult or tease you about your almost-marriage with Jungwoo.

“Must we keep meeting like this?” He said after the season was nearly halfway over and you had just turned down another suggestion to dance. He stalked you all the way to the bowl of lemonade while you tried to ignore his grating voice. “No one here is up to your caliber?”

“What do you want, Jeong?” You spat out, tired of his nonsense. “I thought you would be halfway down the street by now, searching for an open brothel.”

He chuckled at your jest. “They have put up warning signs about me to all the women. Apparently I caused a few too many internal fights over my rugged good looks.”

You rolled your eyes. “I find it more likely that they figured out you are sexually impotent.”

“There is only one way to find out for yourself, hm?”

“I would rather gauge my own eyes out.”

“What’s the matter? Am I not as pretty as Jungwoo?”

Johnny Suh had been the one to rescue you, asking you for a dance, which was the first offer you accepted that night. You would glance to the side from time to time to catch Jaehyun’s gaze following you around the floor, but you preoccupied yourself by staying near Johnny, preventing the loathsome creature from approaching you again.

—

Johnny had gotten married to Lady Joohyun by the next year, leaving you without a regular dance partner in your third season. Many believed he would propose to you, but you knew that he had only wanted to make Joohyun jealous after his confession to you one night.

Jaehyun, surprisingly, did not bother you whenever you were with Johnny. He had been noticeably absent from any ball where Johnny was your escort.

You believed your luck had taken a turn until your first appearance after Johnny’s marriage.

“Well well well,” you heard his drawl from a mile away. Yerim looked at you hesitantly after you tensed by her side. “Look who has decided to make an appearance on her own.”

At the time, you were giddy about your chances of a husband that season. Many noblemen had returned from vacation with friends and distant relatives accompanying them, nearly doubling the pool of gentlemen at your disposal.

You were absolutely not going to allow Jaehyun to ruin the year for you. You decided to play civil, to hopefully make amends and let bygones be bygones.

“Lord Jeong,” you greeted with a curtsy, which had Jaehyun stifling a chuckle. “How lovely to see you here.”

“Is it?” He replied with a raise of his eyebrow. “If I recall, you compared me to a horrid bug staining the bottom of your shoe just a few months ago.”

Yerim pursed her lips to prevent a cacophony of laughter from slipping out. You squeezed her arm with a scolding glance.

“That was the old me, Lord Jeong. I am a new woman, so you see. I am about to become a bride after all.”

“A bride? To whom have you been betrothed to? I have heard no news of your engagement,” he said in a flurry, his eyes flashing with a panic for reasons unbeknownst to you.

“You have not heard news of my engagement yet,” you emphasized. “The night is young and I am a very willing maiden. Therefore, if you’ll excuse us-”

“If you are so willing, then shall you entertain me with a dance?” He questioned as he held out one hand, challenging you.

You clenched your jaw in frustration. You were all in favor of extending an olive branch, but dancing with him at the first ball of the season was a tad too far. You did not want to be making a statement for yourself by befriending Jaehyun’s company.

The ladies would assume you held no dignity for yourself and the gentlemen would be appalled by your association with him.

“I have already promised my first dance with Lord Lee,” you lied through your teeth. You knew Donghyuck would not mind dancing with you just to save you from Jaehyun. “I shall see you around, Lord Jeong.”

If you had known better, you would have caught the dejected expression on Jaehyun’s face after you refused him. But all you could remember from that night was his teasing smirk and the playful lilt in his voice as he mocked you.

—

Your memories of Jaehyun do not assure you in the slightest that your parents have made the right decision.

Yerim comes over the next morning after the news of your forced marriage, soothing your cries with warm pastries and fresh tea. She rubs your back while you lay in bed, moaning for your misfortune.

“It is not that horrible,” she says in an attempt to pacify you. “At least he is good looking.”

You blink up at her. “Are you serious? I hardly care about his looks, Yerim! He is deplorable! He does not have a single redeeming quality. My mother wants to ruin my life, I am positive about that fact. How could any other suitor ever want me again once I have been tainted by Jeong Jaehyun?”

She chews on her lower lip. “I know you are not fond of him, but he may not say the same for you.”

Her statement has you peeking over your pillow, curious to hear more. She catches your gaze and exhales sharply.

“Have you ever noticed that he attends events when he knows you plan to be there? Or how he talks about you to everyone who will listen? He may have a reputation for being a rake, but you are the only lady he has asked to dance with since our first season.”

The information slowly dawns on you, but Yerim must be imagining things. Jaehyun has never felt any real romantic feelings towards you. You remain faithful that you share this conviction with him.

You shake your head. “He is deluding you as well. Trust me, Yerim, I know where Jaehyun’s true feelings lie.”

She eventually helps you get out of bed and you fail to exchange a single word with your mother while you break your fast. Yerim nudges for you to say the first word but you refuse.

Your mother only acknowledges your presence later in the night when you are due to be escorted to your first public appearance with Jaehyun.

“You are not dressed.”

You brush your hair in front of the mirror, humming softly to yourself. Yerim left to prepare herself in her own home, but you wish she had stayed to help you fight this battle with your mother.

“That is because I am not going.”

“Whatever game this is that you are playing, I do not find it amusing in the slightest. Lord Jeong will be here within the next hour and I expect you to welcome him downstairs with a proper gown and your best smile.”

As your handmaidens help you into your dress, they exchange knowing glances with each other until you grow tired of their mind games.

“May I inquire what has piqued your interest?” You ask in a bored tone.

Seulgi, your handmaiden of over five years, smiles gently at you. She has been dressing you since your first season, and is very aware how irritated you can get during times like these.

“The staff have just been discussing, Miss, since your mother announced your plans for engagement. We have been in communication with the staff employed at Lord Jeong’s household.”

You perk up slightly. “Is that so? And what have you discovered?”

Seulgi beams at you. “Lord Jeong is positively delighted by your coupling. The staff has never seen him more alert. He has been placing orders for brand new decor for your wing of the house and has requested for his staff to research your favorite delicacies to stock the cupboards. It is quite endearing.”

You frown. Jaehyun has wormed his way into the minds of your handmaidens too. His ability to manipulate others should honestly be lauded.

“How sweet of him,” you say through gritted teeth, holding back your true feelings. Although they spend more time with you, your handmaidens are employed by your mother, which means anything you say in front of them could be parroted back to her.

You devise a plan while they continue to adorn you in jewelry and work at pinning up your hair. If you could get Jaehyun to call off this marriage, you are certain his mother would relent. Your cries may go unanswered because you are simply a woman who was born into the right family, but Jaehyun will run his own household after he is married, which means he has superiority over his mother’s decisions.

You hear his voice filter from up the stairs when you walk out of your room.

“It is honestly my pleasure, madam. Your daughter is a gift that I promise to treasure.”

You huff. Where does he keep pulling these lines from?

As you walk down the steps, you take in the scene unfolding in your foyer. Your parents are speaking to Jaehyun with radiating smiles, laughing at every little thing he says. His mother stands closely behind him, joining in on the laughter with a chuckle here and there.

When your heel hits the last step, they turn to you. For the first time, you identify the twinkle in Jaehyun’s eye that tells you he’s excited to see you.

Could Yerim be right? Does Jeong Jaehyun like you?

“There she is,” your mother says, tugging you over and pretending she wasn’t upset with you an hour ago. “She is beautiful, is she not, Lord Jeong?”

“Stunning,” he whispers, and you desperately want to punch him in the face.

“Let us head out, shall we? We do not want to run late,” you say, itching to remove yourself from the spotlight. Jaehyun nods in agreement, outstretching his arm for you to take it, and you reluctantly wrap your fingers around his bicep. You lead the way to the carriage waiting outside, murmuring loudly under your breath so Jaehyun can hear you. “You are so dead to me, Jeong.”

He helps you into your carriage, and you don’t miss the pained look in his eyes as he forces a smile onto his face.

—

Jaehyun never wanted to fall in love.

He has witnessed enough of his friends losing their sanity over the matter, finding themselves on the receiving end of their mother’s meddling into their lives. Some of them have found happiness while the others have settled for what they were given.

Although Jaehyun is the only child and he knows he must marry to continue his lineage, he never imagined he would marry for love. He would likely find a well-bred lady, one who would simply finish her duty in childbearing and leave him alone otherwise.

Before tying himself to her, he desired a little recklessness in his life. He tugged on the heartstrings of the ladies in the ton and stopped by brothels when he was searching for something quick and fast. It earned him a reputation but he hardly cared about what other noble families thought of him. He knew at the end of the day, they prioritized the wealth of his estate far more than his outside trysts, which means he would have no issue in securing a wife when he wanted to.

He really was not intending on taking an interest in you.

His mother had educated him on the ladies of his season, so he knew a little of your background. You are also the only child in your family, but being born a daughter means you must get married to receive an ounce of your father’s wealth. Still, this fact never seems to spur you on in your quest for a husband. He has noticed other ladies approach him quite confidently yet you stay sidelined at every ball, waiting for the gentlemen to come to you, even though you refuse most of their offers to dance.

And he shall admit that your adamant refusal to dance with him has him intrigued.

Although the other ladies are appalled by his reputation, they remain courteous enough to accept a dance or two, mingling with him when they see fit. Since his first season, Jaehyun has made it his own personal mission to get you to join him on the floor, come hell or high water.

He just never expected forcing you to marry him as being the catalyst for you to adhere to his wishes.

“You shall tell your mother that you want to call this marriage off,” you say as soon as the swell of the music starts and you take to the floor.

He takes a step towards you with a raised eyebrow. “And why would I do that?”

“Because I am positively certain I will make your life a living hell if I become your wife. You may not favor me now, but you shall surely detest me once I am finished with you.”

But as you twirl around the floor, he fails to find his voice to tell you that he does not harbor any hatred for you at all. You may play those parts in public and it may be true for you, but Jaehyun has never thought of you as the chip on his shoulder.

The rest of the ton stares at you with wide eyes, whispering to one another about the sudden closeness between you.

“Is marrying me such a stain on your character? What, am I not on par with the likes of Kim Jungwoo and Johnny Suh?”

It infuriated him to no end when Jungwoo was courting you. The man did not even know a single thing about you! He was lured in by your pretty face, and Jaehyun snickered to himself when Jungwoo soon discovered that you have an independent mind, judging the man whenever he uttered the wrong thing. Jaehyun was over the moon when Jungwoo ended your courtship.

Johnny, however, was a player that Jaehyun was not expecting. The man was tall, handsome, and could definitely handle your sharp edges better than Jungwoo. Jaehyun worried that you two would actually marry so he shipped himself off for a vacation to avoid seeing you walk down the aisle. He was content when he returned home and learned you were still single.

“Marrying you would tarnish my reputation. I cannot imagine the other ladies respecting the woman who ties herself to the world’s most infamous rake.”

He falters at the insult from you. When his mother had approached him with the idea to marry you, she expected him to swiftly turn it down, so it came as a surprise that he accepted the deal fairly quickly. He honestly could not stand the thought of you marrying the boring Kim Doyoung. The man would not understand how to entertain you, how to keep you on your toes and humor you.

He would never say it out loud, but the prospect of you becoming his wife satisfied him. He could already picture you running his estate with an iron fist, organizing the awful ledgers he has to sort through and checking if each member of the staff is well taken care of.

He wants it. He wants to wake up next to you. He wants to dance with you when there is no one else around. He wants to bury himself into you, listen to your sweet little moans as he tangles a hand through your hair-

He shakes his head to ward away the lewd thoughts threatening to crawl forward. The music slowly comes to a lull, and before he can stop you, you are darting out of his grasp and heading towards the balcony.

He sees your mother attempt to follow you but he stops her with the raise of his hand. He shadows you, keeping his eyes trained on the floral pattern of your gown.

He stops when you saunter out, slamming the doors shut behind you as you lean over the railing to catch your breath. He observes you silently, watching as you sigh and run your fingers through your hair, taking it out of its neat updo.

He waits a little before joining you in the open space.

“I did not realize I would become such a burden for you,” he whispers as you stand side by side.

You scowl at him. “How did you think I would react? Did you think I would jump into your arms and you would carry me off into the sunset?”

“You hate all of the gentlemen in the ton. You have to concede to this fact. And I understand I am not better than the rest of them, but you know me. I would never bend your will or coerce you into submission. You will be free to do as you please, I will not prevent you from your happiness.”

“But you are preventing me! Does this not register with you? I do not want to marry you. You must feel the same way, do you not?”

He hesitates, and the brief second seems to confirm your answer. You exhale and your hands tighten their grip on the railing.

“How long?” You ask in a small voice.

He swallows. “I do not know.”

“I cannot marry you, Jaehyun.”

“I shall inform my mother of your decision tonight. I apologize for causing you grief.”

You spin and saunter back into the ballroom, leaving Jaehyun’s heart crumpled into a mess on the floor.

—

Jaehyun plans to escape his troubles by embarking on a year-long vacation.

Perhaps it is enough time to move on from you, to stop worrying about you all the time and wondering who you might be with. His announcement to the staff about ending your engagement before it has even come to life has his mother in tears. They were instructed to halt all preparations for your wing of the estate and to eat whatever stock of food they had purchased for you.

He’s barely holding himself together as he packs up his things, intent on leaving and not coming back until he is ready to face high society again.

“Lord Jeong, you have a visitor at the door.”

“I am fairly occupied,” he says without missing a beat, grabbing any article of clothing he can find and throwing it into his suitcase.

But then they tell him that you are the one waiting by the door, and that has his feet moving swiftly.

You are fidgeting in the foyer, squirming as members of his household staff walk around you, carrying pieces of the decor that was meant for your bedroom.

“Lord Jeong,” you say with a curtsy, and his eyebrows furrow from the contrast of your behavior last night to today.

“How may I help you?” He asks coldly, desperately wanting to distance himself from you. You never make any task easy for him.

“I wanted to continue our conversation.”

“I did not think there was much more to say. You made your feelings very clear.”

“May we speak in private?”

He guides you into his office, leaving the door open an inch in an effort not to compromise you. You clear your throat once you are alone.

“I have thought it over and have decided to accept your proposal.”

He narrows his eyes. “You have decided to accept? Forgive me, but the last time we spoke, you distinctly voiced your opposition to marrying me. What has changed?”

You look away, your mouth twisting in the way it does when you are particularly peeved by him.

“You are right,” you admit begrudgingly. “I do not like any of the gentlemen in the ton, and I fear I never will. At least with you, I shall still have my freedom and get my mother off my back. I cannot stand another season of this — the balls, the dresses, the constant dancing. I am tired and I just want to live.”

The tension in his shoulders starts to fade. It is not exactly what he wants to hear, but he will take your acceptance if it means he does not have to leave for a year just to forget you.

“So we are carrying through with this?”

You purse your lips. “I cannot fall in love with you. Not in the way you want me to.”

He nods. “T-That is perfectly fine. I was not expecting you to.”

“And we will forgo childbearing until it is absolutely necessary.”

“That sounds plausible.”

“And Yerim is allowed to come over whenever it suits her.”

“Of course.”

You chew on your bottom lip and he resists the urge to take it in between his teeth.

“Where is my ring?”

He blinks twice. “Forgive me?”

“My ring. You must have one picked out.”

He pats his pockets but blanches when he realizes he’s not carrying his mother’s ring with him.

“Can you wait here for a second?”

He sprints upstairs to his mother’s room, startling her handmaidens when he pounds on her door. She opens it with wide eyes.

“Jaehyun, what-”

“Where is your ring?” He asks breathlessly. “The one that father gave you?”

“In my jewelry box. Why?”

“May I have it? Now? Please?”

She fumbles around to look for it, and Jaehyun bounces on the balls of his feet while he waits, fearful that if he does not get that ring on your finger, you shall disappear through the front door and he will never see you again. As soon as his mother hands him the band, he runs back down to his office, relieved when he sees you still standing by the window.

He drops to one knee in front of you and you stare back at him, unamused. He decides to skip the speech in case you change your mind, slipping the ring on your finger as you admire the diamond sparkling in the light.

“It is beautiful,” you murmur, and he thanks the heavens for your approval. You lower your hand as you state, “I shall not attend another lousy ball just for show. We shall wed as soon as we can and negotiate the details after.”

Like a puppy chasing after its tail, he submits to your every request, dreaming of you and him under one roof.

—

The next week is chaos in the Jeong household.

Members of the staff rush left and right, preparing themselves for a wedding they thought had been called off. The favorite gossip of the ton have been surrounding your wedding, pertaining to why you were getting married this quickly, how you went from despising one another to falling in love, and if tying the knot would finally promote Jaehyun from being a rake to a proper lord.

Jaehyun is keen to sit back and watch it all unfold. He has barely seen you as you have been wrapped up in dress fittings and moving your belongings into his home.

It is only the night before your wedding that you rush to his office in a panicked state.

He is startled when the door swings open and you stand there in nothing but your nightgown. You hold a candle in your hand as you scurry to his side.

“What-” he starts, wondering what could be troubling you.

“My mother has divulged to me what a husband is meant to do to his wife on the night of their wedding. I shall inform you that I do not approve of such indiscretions, if that was not made clear before.”

His cheeks flush red when it dawns on him what you must be referring to. Yes, he has conjured up many fantasies late at night, but he never assumed you would willingly lie with him on your first night together as husband and wife.

“Y-Yes, that is understood.”

“Furthermore, I shall not become the wife who sits idly by while you run to a brothel to satisfy your needs. You shall only lie with me, when I feel I am prepared and ready to accept you.”

He leans back in his seat, one eyebrow raised. “Do you think so low of me that I would disrespect you in such a public fashion?”

You huff. “Jaehyun, I am astonished that you have not done so already.”

He narrows his eyes. Before he can retort, the door bursts wide open again and your handmaiden comes rushing in.

“I apologize profusely, Lord Jeong!” She cries. “We were not made aware of her destination. You are not meant to see her like this-”

“You do not need to apologize to him, Seulgi,” you interject with a sigh. “And he shall learn to see all sides of me soon enough.”

Your handmaiden stutters for a response but you poke your finger at Jaehyun with a stern gaze.

“Do not dare forget what I said.”

“How can I when you come traipsing through here in the middle of the night, disturbing me before the biggest day of our lives?”

You exit with a dramatic flair, slamming the doors behind you as your handmaiden follows after. He slumps in his chair, exhausted and wondering how far he has to go to earn your trust.

His mother wakes him the next morning bright and early, chirping happily for the marriage she has waited years for. He readies himself on his own, pulling on his stuffy suit and tie. He thinks about how you must be faring with the glitz and glamour.

His mother and yours had invited almost the entire population of the city to the wedding. People that Jaehyun has never met in his life greet him at the chapel, congratulating him for the momentous occasion. He thanks them with a nervous smile, worried if you will actually show up at the end of the aisle.

Thankfully, when the music plays and the doors open, you step out, dressed in a long, satin white gown. He loses his breath when he looks at you, the picture perfect beauty of a bride. You hesitate under the scrutiny of the ton’s gazes, tightening your grip around your father’s arm.

Jaehyun inhales and exhales slowly. His heart is beating so hard that he can hear the thumping echo in his ears. He can hardly believe this day has come, and even more so that you agreed to marry him.

You must be running through the same thought process, for when your father hands you over to Jaehyun, you stare at him wide eyed. He takes your hand in his, soothing you by running his thumb over the back of your wrist. It unwinds you a little when you stand in front of the priest.

The priest drones on and on about eternal love and the sacred vow between husband and wife. Jaehyun keeps his eyes trained on you, watching you from the corner of his eye to ensure you are faring well.

When you turn to him to seal your lips in a kiss, his heart stops beating.

“Breathe,” he whispers just before his mouth touches yours. He can feel you trembling in his hold.

“Why do they have to keep looking at us?” You murmur.

“Because you are too pretty for them to look away.”

“You are full of it, Lord Jeong.”

His tongue traces over your bottom lip before he can stop himself. A couple’s first kiss at their wedding should be a light peck, something God would approve of.

Jaehyun does not give a damn what God thinks.

There is a small gasp in the audience when his tongue slips into your mouth. You arch into him, calm for the first time in hours.

When you break away, you blink up at him, and his curiosity flares up. Did it feel good for you too?

The crowd erupts in applause and you step away from him, smiling shyly at them. Jaehyun kicks into autopilot, walking you back down the aisle as you laugh with the people surrounding you.

When you are escorted into the gardens for your reception, he swallows.

“Well, it is over.”

You purse your lips. “Y-Yes. That kiss was-”

Your mother comes around the corner, crying as she envelops you in a hug. You pat her back awkwardly as she sobs.

“Oh, darling, I am so happy for you! So, so happy!”

Then Jaehyun’s mother mobs him, cooing about how handsome he looks. You find yourselves on opposite ends of the large space, controlling the flock of people who demand to know the next steps of your marriage.

Jaehyun fields questions left and right that are clearly an invasion of his privacy.

“How many children do you two want to have?”

“I think the best time to start making babies is right after the wedding. It’s when your hormones are at their peak. Do you not agree, Lord Jeong?”

“My theory is that you should lock yourselves away for at least two months so the seed will sprout and grow. Does that not sound wonderful?”

By the time he finds his way back to you, you both are worse for wear.

“Lord Jeong, Lady Jeong!”

You grab Jaehyun’s hand and sprint into the hedge maze. He tries not to trip over your skirt as you weave through the walls of the garden, catching your breath once you find yourselves trapped in the middle.

“They are incessant vultures!” You hiss, ripping the veil from your hair and tossing it to the side. “I mean, honestly. Who granted them the authority to decide when and how I should have a child?”

“Lady Baek almost gave me advice on how her husband gets it up! As if I need to hear such disturbing counsel regarding a man about to turn seventy!” He grunts.

You shudder. “We shall camp out here until they have all grown too tired to stick around. What was my mother thinking when she invited that many people?”

You collapse on the ground together, paying no mind to the grass stains covering your dress or the dirt coating the bottom of his pants. You listen to the steady sound of each other’s breathing, grateful to be away from the incessant noise.

He clears his throat. “What were you saying earlier? About the kiss?”

You cough. “Oh, um, nothing. It was merely surprising, that is all.”

“Sorry if I did not live up to your expectations.”

“That was not what I meant,” you mumble, fiddling with the fabric of your dress. “I hardly expected you to kiss me so… passionately. In all of the weddings I have attended, the groom never devours his bride like that.”

“I did not devour you,” he corrects, flustered by your accusation.

A moment passes before you burst into a fit of laughter. He should be mad with you, but when he glances over to see you giggling into your palm, he finds the corners of his lips lifting upwards.

You settle into your harmonious laughter for a few minutes, riding on the blissful cloud of your new marriage. He did not think it had become such a huge burden on his shoulders, but he is relieved he no longer has to deal with mingling in crowded ballrooms, debating on whether he should ask you to dance or leave entirely.

The recollection has him springing to his feet. You stare up at him in confusion when he holds out his hand.

“Join me.”

“You cannot be serious, Jaehyun.”

He clicks his tongue. “I obliged to all of your rules. Come here and dance with me.”

You grumble as he helps pull you up. Once you are in his arms, he wraps a hand around your waist, holding you steady as you rest your hand on his shoulder.

The moonlight dances over your features and he swears he has never seen a sight more beautiful.

“Yerim was telling me something the other day that I found interesting,” you say.

He quirks up an eyebrow. “What did she say?”

“That you only attend balls when I am present. And that you will speak about me to anyone who will listen.”

“Do not let it go to your head,” he teases weakly.

You do not allow him to escape that easily because evidently, you love to embarrass him at any given chance.

“How long, Jaehyun?”

He thinks about the night out on the balcony when you were asking him this question with the intention to break his heart and never return.

“A long time,” he confesses. “Likely when we first met.”

You shake your head. “Why? Why me? Out of all the women in the ton-”

“The rest of the women in the ton could never hold a candle to you,” he swears, looking deep into your eyes, hoping you memorize every word. “I know you think of me as a reckless rake who will insert myself into any woman’s bed, but you must know how devoted I am to you. You are the only person I find myself laughing with, the only person who can keep up with me and drive me insane all at once. I dream of you. I understand this marriage is all a means to an end to you, but you are the only lady I have ever wanted.”

He nearly chokes when you pounce on him, smashing your lips together until he’s stumbling back into the hedges. His hands rest on your hips as you chase after him.

Your tongues fight for dominance and he realizes just how hungry he is. He has been holding himself back to preserve your dignity, but with God as his witness, you are now his wife and he gets to make you writhe in pleasure if it is his sole desire.

He bunches up your skirt, slipping his hand underneath the mountains of fabric. He growls when your corset gets in the way of the prize he really wants.

“Get this off,” he hisses, tugging at the tight strands that hug your bodice.

“Our mothers will come looking for us,” is all you can reply with.

“I do not care,” he says. “I need you.”

But a gasp interrupts your fervent entanglement. You jump apart to see his mother standing in front of you, appalled by the sight of you two.

“Jeong Jaehyun, I raised you to be a gentleman!” She scolds, approaching you and helping you look presentable again. You avoid her glare. “You both need a lesson in understanding what is acceptable for you to do in public. Just because you are married does not give you the right to behave like animals!”

She tugs you away with a huff, and Jaehyun’s head crashes against the hedge, his cock aching to be stuffed inside you.

—

You are avoiding your husband.

You do not know what has gotten into you. At first, you were loathing the creature you were forced to marry, hoping one day he would magically incinerate and you could avoid having to call him your husband. But then he was confessing to you, telling you everything a lady has always wanted to hear.

It is the first time you have ever experienced the spark of attraction to a gentleman. It is the first time you became content in getting married. It is the first time you felt… desire.

But you are not supposed to let Jeong Jaehyun get the best of you. You hide away in the daytime at Yerim’s home, brushing off her probing questions.

“It’s your honeymoon. Should you not be at home?”

You smile tightly at her. “And miss spending time with you? Of course not. Now, tell me all about Na Jaemin.”

You do not return back to the Jeong estate until supper, where you have a tense gathering with your husband across the dining table. True to his word, Jaehyun refuses to touch you until you initiate it first, which is driving you both mad with insatiable lust.

“How was your day with Yerim?” He asks stiffly, spooning soup into his mouth.

“G-Good. Sir Na has taken a liking to her. He lives in the countryside, however, and I selfishly do not want her to move away if they are to be betrothed.”

“Yes, it might be quite terrible if you were left alone in the presence of your husband with nowhere to flee.”

You narrow your eyes. “If you are insinuating something, Jaehyun, then please do not subject me to your mind games. I would rather you speak the truth.”

He smiles devilishly. “You first.”

You keep your mouth sealed shut for the rest of the meal. Even when you prepare yourselves to climb into bed together, your bedroom is filled with such unspeakable tension that you could cut with a knife.

You occupy yourself by opening a book, observing from the corner of your eye as Jaehyun turns on his side and blows his candle out. You tap your nails against the hardcover, blurting out your next statement before you can stop yourself.

“You never told me about your day.”

He muses over how to reply before he states, “I was lonely, craving a wife who wants nothing to do with me.”

You pout like a child. “I told you I am not going to fall in love with you.”

“I remember.”

It’s summer when Yerim and Jaemin get engaged. Yerim’s mother is so thrilled that she hosts a celebration party, where you and Jaehyun attend arm-in-arm, pretending to be civil with one another. You are bombarded with an onslaught of questions pertaining to how your marriage is faring, and if the ton can expect a new baby boy or girl to arrive any day now.

You stick with the excuse of, “We are trying,” to get them to go away.

Yerim pulls you aside to her bedchamber later that night, smiling widely. The joy in her expression has not left her face all night, and it comforts you to know she will be taken care of in the countryside, despite being so far from you.

“What a night!” She exclaims, falling on her mattress in glee. “I have never been this happy before, I swear it to you.”

“I can tell,” you laugh, patting her knee. “It satisfies me to know Jaemin has you this giddy.”

She chews her lip when she sits up, and she has the expression on her face that screams she has a secret.

“Can I tell you something? In the confidence of our friendship?”

“Of course,” you say, sitting next to her on the bed.

She twiddles her thumbs, clearly thrumming with nervousness. “The other day, Jaemin and I were alone.”

You gasp. “Yerim! You are not supposed to be with him unchaperoned until after you are wed!”

Her cheeks bloom a bright shade of red. “We did a lot of things we are supposed to do after we are wed.”

Your curiosity gets the better of you, and the prompt scolding you are about to give her dies down in your throat.

“W-What did he do?”

“Amazing things,” she exhales dreamily. “Do you know how good it feels when they put their mouth… down there?”

“Yerim!” You say, scandalized.

She giggles. “So you and Jaehyun still have not-”

“No,” you confirm with the shake of your head. “No, we have not. And we will not until we absolutely need to.”

She nudges your shoulder. “He is your husband now, you know. Not a rake who is looking to bed you just because he can.”

You clear your throat and rise from your spot on the bed. “We should head back downstairs. People might be searching for you.”

She’s slightly downcast by your quick dismissal but follows you without protest. You are warm from the brief discussion, imagining what Jaehyun would look like nestled in between your thighs, staring up at you with unadulterated hunger.

The vision abruptly leaves your mind once you land on the last step, spotting your husband being flanked by Sooyoung, a girl he used to be very friendly with. She is giggling at him, her hand caressing his bicep as she hangs off his every word.

You freeze, your throat growing dry at your husband openly flirting with another lady in front of you. In Jaehyun’s defense, he does not seem to be paying any attention to her, his eyes fluttering around the room.

When he finds you, you dart towards the exit, ignoring both Yerim and Jaehyun’s cries of your name. As you request for your carriage to be brought forward, a hand wraps around your wrist.

“You have made assumptions.”

You tear your hand away from Jaehyun with a glare. “I hardly care who you speak to. I am going home, the party’s over.”

He growls your name and the staff lingering nearby pretend to look disinterested.

“Do not behave like this.”

Once your carriage rolls up, you climb in, refusing Jaehyun’s help. You try to close the door behind you but your husband pushes his way inside, preventing you from making your dramatic escape.

“I do not possess any feelings for Sooyoung,” he sighs. “I never have.”

“I do not care! I am merely humiliated by the fact that you would display your affection for her in front of everyone! I know those people, Jaehyun, and I strictly told you before we were married that I would not become the wife who would stand idly by while her husband is wrapped up in an affair!”

“I am not in an affair!” You are both screaming too loud to hide your troubles from the outside. “I have never had an affair. I am devoted to you! I dream of you! How many times must I say this to you? Sooyoung approached me, asking me how I have been. I told her I was not interested in her folly and I was waiting for your return. What took you so long with Yerim anyways?”

You are riled up with anger and frustration. “She was educating me about how a proper husband takes care of his wife. Tell me, did you ever get on your knees for Sooyoung? Did you press your mouth in between her thighs?”

His eyebrows raise to his hairline, clearly not expecting you to quip back with that. You fold your arms across your chest, pouting and refusing to look at him.

You gasp when his hands suddenly pull up your dress and he sinks to his knees. You back yourself up against the wall of the carriage.

“Jaehyun, what are you doing?” You hiss.

“If you wanted to know what it feels like, you could have just asked.”

You glance around worriedly but the carriage still moves on, and the drapery covering the windows protects anyone from the outside to witness your husband wiggling his way underneath your dress.

You do not stop him, interested in how determined he is to prove himself to you. Your fingertips dart out to hold the sides of the carriage when his lips graze over your core.

You cup a hand over your mouth to keep your moans at bay. You have never dared to touch yourself in your most sensitive area. It’s unseemly for a lady of your status, and you feel as if you shall be damned to hell if you ever crossed that line.

But Jaehyun is your husband, so this must be allowed in heaven, right?

You lurch forward when his tongue runs over your folds. You whimper, squeezing your eyes shut as he starts to lick at your dripping cunt. He laps at you as if you are his next meal and your eyes roll to the back of your head. You are entirely too sensitive that you could cry, your body shuddering as Jaehyun buries himself deeper into your pussy.

The carriage comes to a halt as you sob, your hands tangling into his hair as your peak washes over you. When he pops his head back up, he’s grinning with your slick covering his chin.

“How was it, my dear wife?”

“Get inside the house.”

The staff are flustered when you scramble past them. Jaehyun’s hands dig into the flesh of your waist as he leads you inside, dismissing the staff by hoisting you up on the singular table in the foyer, knocking down his mother’s favorite vase.

You bring his mouth to yours as the spark inside you bursts into flames. Months of tension finally unravel as he pushes your thighs apart, slotting himself in until he’s rolling down into your core.

“Jaehyun,” you whine. “Please.”

“Did Yerim tell you what men can do with their fingers?” He asks, his bottom lip dragging over your jawline.

“N-No.”

You squeak when he unlaces your corset, practically ripping it in half in his efforts to peel it off of you. His mouth is drawn to the swell of your breasts, taking your exposed nipple into his mouth and swirling his tongue around the bud.

A maid comes from around the corner at the sound of the broken glass from the vase, but she chokes when she sees her employers dangling off a tiny table, enraptured in one another.

When he slips a finger inside you, you’re driven wild with lust. None of the noble lords and ladies would recognize you if they saw you now, encouraging your husband to use his teeth while sucking at your breasts and begging him to stuff more fingers inside your cunt.

“Dear God,” you sob when his thumb circles at your clit.

You have never felt pleasure like this in your entire life. Is this why women get married? Is this why they subject themselves to uncomfortable corsets and boring dances?

“You like it, do you not?” He questions in a mocking tone, hovering over you with a darkened gaze. “Imagine how we could have had this months ago if you had only swallowed your pride. Falling in love with me does not sound so horrifying anymore, does it?”

His teeth sink into the juncture of your neck as you chant his name. You cum when he inserts another digit inside your wet hole, curling his fingers forward, causing you to feel boneless in his grasp.

“I will not have our first time be like this,” he says, licking his fingers clean and carrying you in his arms.

“The bedroom is too far,” you reply, wanting to jump his bones immediately.

He chuckles. “You made me wait months. I think you can handle a few minutes.”

The room is spotless when you walk in, making you feel slightly guilty for ruining the staff’s hard work. But then Jaehyun drops you on the mattress and unlaces his breeches, and your focus hones in on his lower half. Your vision grows heavy when he reveals himself.

You never quite understood what gentlemen were packing down there, but you surely never would have guessed this. His member is long, thick, and veiny, startling you when he wraps a hand around his base.

“W-What are you planning to do with that?”

He laughs. “My wife, this is meant to go inside you.”

Your brain stops working for a second. He senses your hesitance, smiling playfully as he leans over you, kissing you gently.

“I shall take it slow. It shall feel good once you get used to the stretch.”

“Do you promise?” You say timidly.

He nods. “It helps that you are already so wet.” You scoff when he swipes his fingers over the wetness coating your thighs. He kisses every inch of exposed skin he can find, helping you loosen up to take his massive cock. “It is going to hurt the first time, but I swear it will get easier.”

“Who said we would be doing this again?” You inquire.

His chuckle vibrates against the shell of your ear. “Trust me. We shall definitely do this again.”

He lines himself up to your entrance, distracting you with a kiss. You never believed kissing could be worthwhile, but you find that you do not mind the act at all when it comes to your husband.

But Christ, is he trying to split you in half?

“Hurts,” you whimper as he gradually pushes in.

He stops immediately. “Do you want me to pull out?”

You shake your head. “No, no. Just… make it feel better.”

“You like it when I touch you here,” he says, returning his thumb to your clit, rubbing the nub in slow circles.

You close your eyes, powering through the overwhelming pain with the small windows of pleasure. Jaehyun does not appear to be experiencing the same issues, gritting his teeth when he bottoms out.

“You are squeezing me too tightly,” he groans. “Ease up a little, wife. I am going to finish before we have truly started.”

“I cannot! You are intent in destroying me!” You retort.

“Fuck,” he curses, dropping his head to rest between your neck and shoulder. “Tell me when I should start moving.”

“Moving?” You pale. “Is this not the entire thing?”

“I thought your mother explained this to you the night before our wedding?”

“She never discussed the specifics!”

His hands cup your cheeks, forcing you to look at him. You blink back the tears threatening to spill and he smiles at you, assuring you that everything is going to be okay.

“Do you trust me? You must trust me a little at this point.”

“A little,” you grumble. “Don’t push your luck.”

He moves to sit on his knees, throwing your legs over his shoulders and holding them in place while he thrusts into you. Initially, he’s apologizing for the pain, but you slowly adjust to his size and your wetness begins to emit a thwacking sound against the flesh of his thighs.

Moans spill out of your mouth before you can stop them.

“That is it,” he murmurs. “Good girl.”

You would not think that Jaehyun’s praise would have such an effect upon you. You are whining for him as his cock batters into your pussy, staining the sheets with the mix of your wetness.

“I shall not last,” he says through bated breaths. “You are squeezing me too tightly.”

Moments later, he spills into you, filling you with the warmth of his cum. He withdraws himself to replace his length with his fingers, swirling them inside your cunt until you are falling over the edge of your third climax.

He collapses next to you, his chest rising up and down. You gaze at him shyly.

“So when shall the baby come?”

He smiles at you. “It normally does not take the first time. We have to keep trying until you feel the babe start to grow.”

You narrow your eyes. “You are surely making that up.”

He winks. “Trust me. We shall practice until you acquire a taste for it.”

—

You and Jaehyun apologize profusely to the staff the next day for your behavior, but they simply smile and tell you to work hard in your baby making efforts.

You are both startled when you approach the breakfast table to see his mother sitting there, sipping on her morning cup of tea.

“M-Mother?” Jaehyun stutters. “What are you doing here? I thought you were away handling matters of the estate.”

She smiles knowingly at you, and you slink behind your husband’s back, feeling like a child who has been scolded for eating too many treats.

“I wanted to check in on you. I arrived last night.”

“Last night?” You and Jaehyun both question in shock.

You recall his messy display of fingering you in the foyer for everyone to witness. Did his mother see her son ravaging you? Did she watch you fall apart under his touch?

Her grin seems to convey your answer. She gestures to the chairs beside her.

“Come and sit. I want to hear all about my future grandchild.”

You return to your bedchamber after breakfast feeling mortified. Jaehyun tries to soothe your worries with a gentle hand at your back.

“It is very normal for a husband and wife to be intimate.”

“Not for a lady to expose herself in front of her mother-in-law and the staff!”

He winces. “I am certain that they found the scene to be arousing, if anything.”

You dig your head into the pillows, pouting. “You fail at lifting up my spirits.”

You feel him peppering kisses over your shoulder, his hands wandering where they should not be. You try to swat them away but he whines in your ear.

“She already knows about us anyway. Let me have a little fun.”

You turn on your side to face him, grazing your fingers over his cheek. You hate that Yerim was right — your husband is very handsome.

“When I said I would never fall in love-”

“It is fine. I understand.”

“No, no,” you correct, tracing his jawline. “I was going to say that I think I could. If you give me enough time and if you do not act like an insufferable rake, I could see myself loving you.”

He smirks. “I am quite flattered.”

You roll your eyes. “Can you do that thing with your mouth again?”

“Happy to oblige, wife.”

this fic was posted for early access to the $5 tier on my patreon, which you can access here!

[winsmoke]

This was too much fun. The title alone was too good to pass up on. I wanted it to go on and on and onnnnn. I felt whisked away into a fairytale. Honestly, I need more y/n courting stories they were too funny. Loved the characters from the SM universe (all of the characters felt so full in general). The longing and y/n ignoring the longing is so good. Wowwww, more of this please! This has stolen my heart awayyyy.

I think its funny how relationships/marriage is a constantly shifting agreement between people and (for the most part) all you need is respect and consent to make it work for both parties. The only convern is that Jaehyun could definitely have an STD/STI if hes had that many previous sexual partners and I doubt the Bridgerton universe has testing...

[winsmoke]

Are we gonna talk about how the music quality of 127 AND WayV jumped off a cliff when Winwin left* both groups? Like, why is Ten's solo music better than basically all of WayV's most recent releases? I will say 127's Favorite was sooooo good but that is an outlier (and this would have been a concept winwin would have been amazing in)

It makes absolutely no sense when Winwin was contributing close to nothing in terms of stage presence, dancing, rapping, or singing. And this is coming from a winwin lover

[winsmoke]

Alright who has the new nct chart. But honestly should we even bother considering a mass exodus may be on the horizon?

[winsmoke]

nct dream reacts to you learning their native language (p. 3)

⊹ 𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 🦷 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞 ALL 23 REACTIONS ARE COMPLETE BITCHES. Read WayV’s and NCT 127′s for the full experience!

[ RENJUN ]You didn’t ask, he tricked you into wanting to learn: He found a Chinese show he knew you’d get addicted to and took away the subtitles. But now that you’re motivated to learn, he uses leftover paints and canvases to teach you how to write the characters because he’s too lazy to buy ink and calligraphy paper.

[ JENO ] Calmly shows you how to write and combine the consonants and vowels. When you move to forming sentences and have grammar questions, he gives you his signature eye-smile to hide his cluelessness and panickedly calls Doyoung. Excitedly teaches you directions so he can take you on his 15km bike rides and not have to worry about getting lost.

[ JAEMIN ] Praises you so often with such egregious aegyo that you have to take classes to escape his attacks. He’ll pack your meals just so he can put sickeningly sweet notes (that you can’t even read) in your bag. Takes daily pictures of your handwriting and videos of you studying so he can (obsess over you) document your progress.

[ SHOTARO ] Starts with something like: Shotaro, can you teach me Japanese? Hai! Huh? ‘Hi’? *Desperately googles how to teach Japanese while you’re distracted. Is a flustered, giggling mess trying to explain to you why Japanese has 3 alphabets. Your hearing will improve more than your language comprehension.

[ SUNGCHAN ] After accidentally talking in Japanese because he’s used to helping Shotaro with his Korean, Sungchan realizes you’d be better off taking classes. Frequently plays soccer and works out in the field below your classroom because (he hopes you’re watching him out the window) he’s eager to hear your beautiful voice in his native tongue.

[ CHENLE ] Ignores you unless you call him lǎo shī (although shīfù is preferred). Will make you talk into a microphone so you can clearly hear how shitty your pronunciation is. Your lessons usually turn into a shouting match, which he always wins, so you have to stand on the table to get your point across. 

[ JISUNG ] Has no idea what he’s doing or how he’s doing it (the members refused to help cuz they want to see him fail). Spends 5 minutes pressing his thinking button extra hard, deliberates out loud what to teach you first. When he settles on food, he buys ice cream for a visual aid but then gets distracted and eats the whole bin.

Cuz Chenle has recently crawled into my top three biases I wrote another one for him :)

*Mark and Haechan were in NCT 127’s reaction

[winsmoke]

[mssishipi]

LOVE IS CANNIBALISM — psh

“To love,” they said, “is to consume.”

content tags and warnings: cannibal reader x sunghoon, angst, psychological horror, themes of cannibalism, body intimacy & body consumption lmao, morally gray characters! description of blood, murder and violence, major character death, explicit sexual content (smut): body worshiping, pussy eating and unprotected sex. MDNI! WC: 10K

note: happy halloween! 🎃 this story is inspired by the film bones and all and the song “pag-ibig ay kanibalismo ii,” which translates to “love is cannibalism.”

it explores the metaphor of love as cannibalism rather than literal gore, focusing more on the emotional and symbolic hunger between two people. the explicit scenes aren’t the focus this time—i wanted to try something different and delve deeper into the concept itself.

this piece is unedited, so please expect a few grammatical errors, typos, and repetitive phrasing here and there. i might be a little late for kinktober, but i still wanted to share it with you.

Hunger.

Others chewed on their thoughts; you chewed on the essence of people. You could taste emotion the way a tongue knows salt. Sadness lingered sour and metallic, like fruit left too long to rot. Anger burned—hot, peppered, alive. Fear, though—that was delicate, like thin slices of cold meat melting on your tongue.

People never understood how their moods had flavors, how every glance, every tremor in their voice, seasoned the air. They talked of empathy, of feeling what others felt. But you devoured it. You took it in, swallowed whole the ache behind their words, the trembling of their secrets.

Humans bare themselves like animals when they think no one sees. The body always remembers it has teeth; the soul, that it once knew how to bite.

“What the fuck?!”

Sunghoon almost screamed, the flashlight shaking in his hand before he nearly dropped it. The beam landed on you, catching the red smear across your mouth, the wet shine of blood dripping down your chin. For a second, he couldn’t move. Every hair on his body stood stiff as his brain struggled to make sense of what he was seeing—the body in front of you, torn open, ribs cracked, skin peeled back like something butchered.

His stomach twisted, a heavy wave of bile crawling up his throat. He had seen people die before—hell, he’d caused plenty of it himself. Death wasn’t new. Blood wasn’t new. He knew the smell of it, the weight of a body cooling under his hands. Killing was part of his work, orders are passed down and he will pull the trigger, he don’t think.

But this—this was different.

He couldn’t even call it killing. It was something beyond that, it was filthy and wrong in a way that made his skin crawl. He kept staring, his pulse hammering as the sound of you chewing reached him.

He’d been running for hours, hunted by the same men he used to work with, desperate to get away. He thought he’d lost them, thought he could sneak back and grab the stash of cash before disappearing for good. He’d even killed one of them on the way out, no time for guilt. But now... Jesus Christ! Now the man he’d killed was lying there, and you were crouched over him, tearing into the flesh like it was food.

Sunghoon’s throat closed up. His grip on the flashlight tightened until his knuckles went white. He wanted to back away, to bolt, but his legs wouldn’t listen. He just stood there, staring, the echo of his own heartbeat pounding in his ears, thinking one single thing over and over again— What the fuck did he just walk into?

You just stared at him, eyes blank and unbothered, gnawing on the bone. Sunghoon crouched a few feet away, his legs shaking as he tried to steady his breathing. His eyes flicked between you and the corpse sprawled out in the dirt. He could see the knife in your hand glint faintly. For a second, he tried to figure out if he could knock it out of your grip, maybe grab some cash from the dead man’s pockets before getting the hell out of there.

But you didn’t even look at him when he slowly reached forward. You were too busy tearing into what was left of the man’s ribs, the wet sound of chewing filling the air.

“Uh… eat well,” he muttered weakly.

He froze when a distant noise broke the silence—boots trampling through the far end of the cornfield. His body stiffened instantly, his hand going straight to the gun tucked at his belt.

“Fuck…” he whispered under his breath, teeth clenched. He knew that sound. His old co-workers. The bastards were close, sweeping the area.

He glanced at you again, and to his horror, you were listening too, tilting your head toward the noise like some curious animal. You dragged your tongue slowly across your bloody fingers, sucking the red off one by one.

Sunghoon made a face, disgust crawling through him. “Yuck,” he hissed quietly. He had to go. The cash he’d grabbed was enough to keep him alive for at least a week, maybe two if he was careful. That should’ve been enough reason to leave you there and run.

He turned off his flashlight and started moving quietly, crouching low, every step careful not to draw attention. He counted his steps—one, two, ten, fifteen—trying to ignore the sticky sound of your chewing that still rang in his ears. But then, for reasons he couldn’t explain, he stopped. He stood there in the dark, breath shallow, before cursing himself.

“Idiot,” he muttered. He turned back.

You were still there, crouched in the dirt, eating. The sight made his stomach twist again. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, then whispered harshly, “Hey. You’re gonna get yourself killed. Those guys—they’ve got guns. You should run.”

You lifted your eyes to him slowly, then looked down at the corpse again. “I’m still hungry,” you said.

He stared at you for a second, not sure if you were serious or just completely gone in the head. “Yeah, well, I don’t give a shit,” he muttered, but his feet didn’t move. He watched as you tried to crack the bone again, struggling with the angle, grunting quietly as your hands slipped.

“Fuck’s sake…” Sunghoon hissed under his breath. Against every bit of sense he had left, he knelt beside the body and grabbed the limb. The bone gave a wet snap as he pulled it free, the sound making him gag. The smell hit him harder this time, thick and rotten. He had to swallow hard to keep his stomach from turning inside out.

“Done. Let’s go,” he rasped, wiping his hands on his pants. You didn’t argue. He grabbed your arm and yanked you up, and for a moment you just stood there staring at him, blood still dripping down your chin. Then, as the voices in the distance grew louder, you both ran.

The two of you stumbled through the cornfield, the dry stalks slapping at your arms. Sunghoon’s breath came out ragged, his chest burning with every step. You clutched the bone close to you like it was something precious, refusing to let go. And neither of you looked back.

Dumb. Sunghoon is so fucking dumb.

He knew it from the start, but seeing you sitting there on that dirty bench just made it hit harder.

The morning sun was creeping up over the horizon. You sat there quiet, legs still, holding a cracked bone in both hands and sucking on it like it was breakfast. The blood had dried into dark stains down the front of your white-brown dress. You didn’t care. You just kept pulling at the marrow with slow, steady motions while the world around you started to wake up.

A few meters away, Sunghoon was finishing a deal with a man near a dusty motorcycle. The guy looked like the kind who’d sell his own mother if it meant getting a bit of extra cash.

Sunghoon tossed a folded stack of bills at him, impatience in his voice. “You sure there’s no damage here? This shit’s expensive. I’m the third person who’s gonna use this, and if you’re scamming me, I’ll fucking blow your head off.”

The man caught the money awkwardly, trying to smile. “It’s full tank, runs smooth, I swear. Still in good shape and, uh…” His voice trailed off when he noticed you on the bench. His face twisted a little, eyes narrowing.

Sunghoon stepped sideways immediately, putting himself between the man’s stare and you. “She’s in character for the Halloween party downtown,” he snapped. “Stop looking at my girl. You’re pissing me off.”

The man lifted his hands fast, muttering an apology, and handed over the key. Sunghoon didn’t even thank him. He grabbed the keys, turned his back, and walked toward you, jaw tight.

He regretted this already. Taking you along was the dumbest fucking idea he’d had in years. The smell of blood on your dress was pissing him off, the sight of you was pissing him off, and the memory of what he’d seen you do last night wouldn’t leave his head. He already had more than enough problems—people after him, a bounty probably already circulating, and nowhere safe to go. Now he had a quiet freak sitting next to him, chewing bones in daylight like it was normal.

He stopped in front of you and stared. You just looked up at him, face blank, eyes too calm for what you were. There was something almost childlike about it, which somehow made it worse. He’d heard about people like you—stories of lunatics, cannibals, cult weirdos—but never thought he’d meet one who looked so damn harmless. It didn’t make sense. None of it did.

He sighed hard, rubbing a hand over his face. “Look,” he said finally, “I can’t take you with me. I can’t afford to. We’re not even that far from the next town. You can walk there, maybe find someone who’ll help. Go back home, or wherever the hell you came from.”

You didn’t answer at first. You lowered the bone, your lips pressed tight, eyes darting to the side like you were thinking about something you didn’t want to say. Then, softly, “Can I… be with you?”

Sunghoon frowned, brow furrowing deep. “Are you fucking deaf? I said I can’t take you.”

“I have money,” you murmured.

He barked a short laugh that wasn’t really a laugh. “The hell do I care about your money? Go back to your home.”

“The villagers are hunting me,” you said, voice even quieter. “They burned my house.”

Sunghoon froze for half a second. He almost said it—that’s what you get for eating people. But he stopped himself. He didn’t need to get involved. Whatever shit you were in wasn’t his problem.

Then you reached into the pocket of your dress and pulled out a small folded wad of bills, handing it to him with both hands. Sunghoon blinked down at it, dumbfounded.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he muttered as he took it, unfolding it just enough to see the amount. “Ten bucks? You’re giving me ten fucking dollars?”

He stared at you like he couldn’t believe what kind of joke the world was playing on him. You only looked back with those wide, unbothered eyes, as if ten dollars really meant something.

Sunghoon cursed under his breath again, stuffing the crumpled bills deep into his pocket and staring down the empty road that stretched ahead.

He didn’t know whether to laugh or scream at himself for what he was doing. Every nerve in his body told him to walk away, to leave you sitting there on that bench and never look back.

But somehow, an hour later, you were clinging to him on the motorcycle as he drove toward the city. Your arms were wrapped tight around his waist, your chin pressed lightly against his back. The smell of blood still lingered from your dress. It made his stomach turn, but he kept his eyes on the road and told himself it was only until he found a safe place to drop you off.

He didn’t talk during the ride. The wind was loud, the road rough, and every time he glanced at the side mirror, he saw your face — calm, eyes half-closed, hair flying around you as if none of this was strange. He wanted to shout at you, ask what the hell was wrong with you, but he didn’t. He just rode until the city outline came into view.

He stopped at a gas station on the outskirts, one of those rundown. Sunghoon parked the bike near the restroom and turned to you, wiping sweat off his neck. “Stay here,” he said. “Don’t follow me.”

He locked you in the bathroom before you could respond. You didn’t resist, just watched him through the small dirty window as he walked off. He came back after a while with a plastic bag of new clothes — jeans, a plain shirt, something cheap from the discount rack inside. Without saying a word, he tossed them through the door before unlocking it again. You came out quietly, dressed in the new clothes, but still holding the same damn bone in your hand.

He left the gas station and walked down a narrow service road until the sound of cars faded away. There, behind the trees where no one would see, Sunghoon dumped both your old clothes and his into a pile on the dirt. He poured gasoline from a small bottle and lit it with a match. The fire caught quick and you both stood there watching the flames eat away the blood, the dirt, everything that tied you to last night. The light flickered against your face, and you still didn’t move, your hand gripping the bone tight.

“Throw it away,” Sunghoon said, his voice sharp with irritation.

You turned to look at him out of the corner of your eye, not saying anything. Your gaze dropped to the bone, your fingers tightening around it.

“I said throw it away,” he repeated, louder this time.

When you didn’t move, he clicked his tongue hard, snatched it from your hand, and tossed it into the fire. The bone hit the flames with a small crack, the white turning dark as it burned.

You gasped quietly, your lips trembling as your eyes began to water. Sunghoon didn’t look back. He was already walking toward the motorcycle, his shoulders tense, his patience gone.

“Hop in,” he said over his shoulder, voice rough. “I’m tired. I want to rest. Stop wasting my fucking time.”

You wiped your eyes with the back of your hand and followed. The night swallowed the sound of the fire behind you as the two of you got back on the road. The bike roared to life, and neither of you spoke again.

Sunghoon had gotten used to surviving off scraps, pickpocketing strangers and trading whatever junk he could find in the city. It wasn’t easy, but he’d done worse before. The hard part wasn’t stealing or running from cops; it was switching places every few days, finding new cheap inns that didn’t ask questions, and keeping his head down.

What made it unbearable was you—always walking behind him like a quiet shadow, following him through the noise and the smoke and the stinking food stalls with that same blank, innocent look on your face. He didn’t know why he hadn’t told you to fuck off sooner. Maybe it was guilt. Maybe it was stupidity. Probably both.

A week passed, and somehow you were still there. You didn’t eat anything he gave you. He’d tried everything from bread to instant noodles to a street hotdog, waving it right under your nose, telling you to stop being so fucking weird and just eat something normal. You only shook your head, calm and blunt, eyes down, as if food wasn’t for you. He gave up after that. If you wanted to starve, that was your problem, not his. He told himself he wasn’t responsible for you, not anymore.

You didn’t talk much, either. Sometimes he wondered if you just couldn’t, or if you chose not to. When you did speak, it was short—your name, that one time, and nothing else. He told you his in return, and that was it.

After a few more days, he started thinking seriously about leaving you. He didn’t owe you anything, and you didn’t seem like you even cared where you went. He figured he could just ditch you somewhere safe, maybe by a bus stop or a marketplace, and you’d find your own way. The thought rolled in his head for a while until, one afternoon, as the two of you walked through a busy street, he decided it was time.

“Stay here,” he said, motioning to a bench near a line of parked bikes. “I’ll just buy something.”

You looked up, eyes blank but obedient. “Buy what?”

“Some shits,” he muttered, already walking off.

He could almost taste the relief as soon as he turned the corner. His chest felt lighter, his steps quicker. That was it. He was free. He didn’t look back.

He went straight to the inn he’d been renting, shoved his few clothes into a plastic bag, and stuffed them into his backpack. When he turned to the table and saw the dresses he’d bought for you folded neatly on the chair, his stomach twisted a little. He stared at them for a few seconds before shaking his head, muttering something under his breath he didn’t mean. Then he grabbed his things and left, ignoring the weight sitting in his chest.

He crossed into another town the next day, rented a new room, started picking pockets again, selling whatever stolen goods he could. Life went back to what it was supposed to be—simple, quiet, and ugly. But no matter what he did, he couldn’t shake the thought out of his head. It crawled back every night when he tried to sleep, every morning when he looked at his reflection and saw the same tired face staring back.

Ten days passed. He couldn’t stop wondering if you were still sitting on that bench, if you had moved, if someone had found you. He told himself he didn’t care. You weren’t his problem. You weren’t his responsibility. You were probably long gone anyway. But something about it wouldn’t let go.

“Idiot,” he muttered, cursing himself as he kicked the bike into gear and turned the handle. The engine roared to life, loud enough to drown out the guilt in his head. He drove for hours, back toward the same city, the same street, the same damn bench.

When he arrived, his chest went tight.

You were still there.

You were in the same place where he left you. Same bench, same clothes, same blank look. It was like time hadn’t touched you at all. You sat still, staring at nothing, hands on your lap, hair a little messier, face pale. For a long moment, Sunghoon didn’t move. He stayed by the bike, helmet still in his hand, his throat tight and dry. He felt that familiar guilt crawl back up — sitting in his chest like a bad meal he couldn’t digest.

He muttered a curse under his breath, ran a hand through his hair, and finally took a step forward. You were really still there. He couldn’t decide if you were just dumb, stubborn. Yeah, you were definitely dumb, more than him.

Then, as if you’d sensed him, your head turned. Your eyes met his instantly, that same innocent gleam sparking up like it hadn’t dimmed once in all those days. Your lips parted, soft and surprised, a small gasp escaping as your expression changed. You stood up in a hurry, wiping your hands on your dress before waving at him, that strange smile spreading on your face. It was the first time he’d ever seen you smile at all. It caught him off guard — it looked so out of place, too pure for what you really were.

He didn’t even know what the hell came over him, but before he could think twice, he parked the bike and started walking toward you. His steps were slow at first, then quicker, and the next thing he knew, his arms were around you.

You made a small, high sound, shocked by how tight he was holding you. He didn’t care. He just held you, eyes shut.

“Sorry,” he said quietly against your hair.

You hesitated for a second before mumbling, “Back… you’re back…” Your voice shook a little as your arms awkwardly came up to return the hug. “Hungry… I’m hungry…”

He sighed into your shoulder, half tired, half relieved, feeling something heavy loosen in him. “We’re going to eat,” he said, finally letting go and looking down at you. “What do you want?”

You looked up at him with that same calm, innocent face and answered without thinking, “Happy people.”

Sunghoon let out a short laugh.

He didn’t say anything after that, just stared at the wall of the warehouse he'd found.

The night air was cold, the wind blowing through cracks in the metal sheets. You sat on the floor with your knees pulled close, watching him while he cleaned his knife again and again without reason.

He told himself he wasn’t doing this for you. He told himself that over and over as he went out that night, wandering through the alleys, looking for whatever would quiet the voice in his head that kept repeating your words. By the time he came back, hours later, he had a large case in his hand. He didn’t tell you what was inside, and you didn’t ask. You only looked at it with that soft, hungry smile that made his skin crawl.

When he dropped it on the table, you reached for it right away.

He turned away, sat on an old wooden chair, and pulled a worn book from his pocket. The paper edges were yellowed, the letters fading, but it was something to look at while you busied yourself behind him. The sound of you eating echoed in the background. He tried to focus on the words in front of him, but they blurred.

After a while the noises stopped, and the silence pressed down. When he looked up, you were walking toward him with something wrapped in a torn cloth. Your hands were shaking slightly, your mouth messy, your eyes bright. You sat beside him and pushed the bundle toward him like a child giving a gift.

“For you,” you said softly, then turned your head away, shy and uncertain.

Sunghoon stared at it for a long moment before shaking his head. “Keep it,” he said quietly, his tone flat. “You need it more.”

You hesitated, then set it aside and leaned a little closer to look at the book in his hand. “What’re you reading?”

He shrugged. “Some literary crap. Poems, stories, old shit.” He flipped it so you could see the lines printed on the page. “You read?”

You nodded, smiling faintly. “I can read.” Your voice was calm, almost pleased. “You like reading?”

“I used to,” he said after a pause. “I loved writing more. But that crap doesn’t feed you. It’s useless when you’re broke.”

You stayed quiet for a few seconds, then spoke again, voice small. “You could try again.”

Sunghoon huffed a dry laugh, shaking his head. “Try again? For what? You think words are gonna pay for a room or buy food? Nah. It’s just nonsense.”

You watched him for a while, then smiled again, quiet and strange. “I love reading,” you said. “But I don’t have books.”

He looked at you out of the corner of his eye, sighed, and pushed the old book toward you. “Then take this one. It’s not worth shit anyway.”

You touched the cover like it was something delicate, then nodded once.

Weeks turned into months, and the two of you never stayed in one place for long. You traveled from city to city, sleeping in rundown motels or abandoned buildings, always moving before dawn. People kept disappearing — faces shown on missing posters, names called out on the evening news — but Sunghoon never cared enough to watch. He knew how the world worked. The police would drag in some poor bastard to take the blame, the public would sigh with relief, and everything would go quiet again.

He did the killing; you did the eating. Later, when you were done, he cleaned up the mess — burning clothes, scrubbing blood from the floor, making sure nothing was left behind.

Sometimes, when the night was calm, and you were sitting by a fire licking the blood off your fingers, he’d think about what you said once — about writing again. He’d laugh to himself, realizing that somehow, you had become his weakness. You, with that small voice and strange gentleness that made him forget what kind of monster he really was.

Sunghoon was dumb, he thought. Dumb for feeling anything at all while watching you crouched over a body, eating piece by piece with that same innocent look. The sight should have made him sick, but instead, it made something in his chest ache in a way he couldn’t explain.

When you were done, you wiped your mouth with the back of your hand and looked up at him. “Thank you,” you whispered, smiling shyly.

He nodded and flipped a page in his book, pretending to read, but his eyes drifted to you again. This time, there was no blood smeared across your face. Only your lips were stained red, glossy and clean, like you’d been careful not to make a mess.

“Eat with me?” you asked, pointing to the body sprawled open on the floor, blood still dripping from the ribs.

He stared at it for a moment, then back at you. “No, thank you,” he said quietly.

You pouted, turning your head away with that same shy motion he’d seen so many times. “You want it cooked?” you mumbled.

He blinked, caught off guard. “Huh?”

“I’ll… cook for you,” you said, your voice barely above a whisper. “If you want.”

Sunghoon stared at you for a moment, your face shy and your lips still red from feeding.

Something in him twisted, the usual coldness breaking apart. Without thinking, he reached out, his fingers sliding to the back of your neck. He pulled you close and pressed his mouth to yours.

You let out a small sound of surprise, muffled against his lips, but you didn’t pull away. The warmth of his mouth caught you off guard. Your heart skipped wildly as his grip tightened, and he angled your face to deepen the kiss. His tongue traced your lips, tasting the faint metallic flavor that still lingered there. He groaned low in his throat, his breath hot against your mouth, and kissed you harder until you felt his tongue slide deeper, exploring you like he wanted to devour you whole.

A soft moan escaped your throat, and your hands clawed at his back, pulling him down until his chest pressed against yours. The air between you burned as the kiss turned desperate, messy, full of need. You could feel his weight on top of you, and still you wanted more. Your lips moved against his skin, finding the curve of his neck, biting softly until he groaned again and pushed himself closer.

“Sunghoon…” you breathed as his mouth found yours again. The kiss came slower this time but deeper, his tongue sliding against yours while his hands moved down the sides of your body, tracing the shape of your waist before grabbing the edge of your dress. He pulled it up without breaking the kiss, his breath mixing with yours.

You let your eyes fall shut as your legs parted on their own, your body giving in to his touch. The heat building fast under your skin and you could feel his fingers pressing against you through the thin fabric, teasing, dragging slowly until they found the wet spot between your thighs. The touch made your hips jerk, a soft sound spilling from your mouth into his.

Sunghoon deepened the kiss, swallowing every noise you made. You arched your back, grinding into his hand, trying to feel more of him. Each stroke of his fingers sent a shiver up your spine, and every time he pulled back to breathe, he came right back, like he couldn’t stop tasting you. Your breaths tangled, mouths opening and closing against each other.

You moaned into his mouth, clutching his shirt, pulling him closer until there was no space left between your bodies. His weight pressed against you, and you could feel his heartbeat hammering against your chest.

Sunghoon’s mind was a blur. He wanted to stop, to think, but he couldn’t. You ate people, but right now he wanted to eat you too — not with teeth, but with his hands, his mouth, his whole body. The kiss had been the first step of consumption, and God knows how much he craved it.

His fingers lingered on the curve of your thigh, feeling the tremor in your muscles, the heat of your skin. In the back of his mind, he thought about the strange balance between hunger and want, about how thin that line really was.

Sunghoon pulled away just long enough to strip the rest of your clothes from your body, his fingers trembling slightly as if he couldn’t decide whether to be gentle or rough. The air hit your bare skin, and his eyes drank you in with a hunger. His mouth parted, breath coming out heavy as he took in the sight of your breasts, round and flushed from his touch. He swallowed hard, a low groan escaping him.

He leaned in, his lips brushing your collarbone before his teeth found your neck. He bit down—not hard enough to hurt, but enough to leave the shape of his mouth pressed into you. His tongue followed, tracing the edge of the mark, soothing and claiming at the same time. You shivered beneath him, fingers digging into his shoulders.

When he heard the soft whimper escape your lips, something inside him snapped. His grip tightened, one hand sliding beneath your back to pull you closer, pressing you into him until you could feel every inch of his body.

You clung to him, your nails scraping down his spine as though anchoring yourself, yet the gesture only spurred him on.

You arched your back instinctively, offering yourself to him like a meal placed before the starving. He devoured every inch of you with his mouth—your throat, your shoulders, the soft curve of your breasts—leaving trails of warmth and sting wherever his lips went. Each kiss felt like a bite, each breath between them a growl.

You were open to him, like a wound that refused to close. He tasted you slowly, deliberately, savoring the salt of your skin as though it could feed him.

He took your nipple between his lips, sucking deep until your breath broke into a sharp sound that filled the room. The noise drove him mad; his tongue circled, flicked, and licked at your areola with unrelenting focus, the wet sounds between you are obscene and unashamed. Every gasp that escaped you made his body tighten, and when he groaned against your skin, you could feel it vibrate straight through your chest.

His hand never stopped moving. His fingers slipped lower, sliding along your thigh until he reached the heat between your legs. He pushed the thin fabric aside, and when he plunged two fingers inside you, your whole body arched. The sudden stretch made you gasp, and his name fell from your lips before you could stop it. He left your breasts with a wet pop, his mouth glistening, and then he pulled your panties down the rest of the way, tossing them aside before lowering himself between your legs.

When his tongue met you, it was filthy—slow and wet and relentless. He licked from the base of your slit all the way up to your clit, dragging his tongue through every fold before pressing his mouth flat against you. He sucked hard, drawing the taste of you into his mouth as if he couldn’t get enough. Fuck, he thought, dizzy from it. You taste so fucking good.

You could feel every flick of his tongue, every breath he exhaled against your skin. It sent jolts through your body, from your spine down to your toes, until your legs wrapped around his head and refused to let go. He didn’t fight it; he wanted you tight around him, wanted to drown there. His tongue worked faster, licking, flicking, sucking at every drop that slipped out of you.

Sunghoon was moaning into you, humming when your thighs trembled, slurping every bit he could reach as though feeding from you.

Then his hand moved again. You barely noticed at first, too far gone, until his fingers slid from your thighs up and found your nipple. He pinched hard and your body jerked against his face. The pain melted into pleasure so fast it made your head spin.

"Keep it loud, please." He said, he didn’t stop; his fingers rolled and twisted.

Your hips moved with their own rhythm, sliding against his mouth again and again, using him without restraint. He gripped your thigh tighter, urging you to squeeze, while his other hand kept playing with your nipple. His cock throbbed, ignored but straining, the need pulsing through him, but he didn’t care. He wanted this more—to taste you, to take everything you gave, to keep you open beneath him and devour every part of you that trembled.

You could barely breathe when the pressure started to build deep inside you, your body trembling under his mouth. “S-Something’s c-coming,” you whimper, voice breaking, hips moving on their own as if your body had already decided it couldn’t stop.

Sunghoon’s tongue doesn’t slow; he licks up and down your slit, his mouth open and greedy as he sucks and laps at you, chasing every sound that falls from your throat. The harder you shake, the more desperate he becomes, his tongue dragging through.

You cry out, your voice splintering into a scream as your whole body convulses, every muscle tightening around the heat of his mouth.

He doesn’t stop when you come. He keeps licking, sucking, and eating you out until you’re trembling uncontrollably, his mouth wet with everything you’ve given him. The sound of it is filthy—loud slurps and low moans—and he doesn’t care how obscene it gets. He wants to crawl inside you, lose himself there, mold himself into your heat until he can’t tell where you end and he begins.

He pulls away, breathless and flushed, his face glistening with your slick. Without a word, he strips off his pants, his hands trembling slightly as if the need in him has turned to ache. He leans over you again, his mouth finding yours in a rough, hungry kiss.

You moan into him, still trembling, whispering against his lips, “So good.”

He grinds against you, his cock sliding through your wetness, the friction making you both gasp. You can feel how hard he is, how close he’s holding himself back, and it makes your voice crack when you plead, “So good, want more, want more, Hoonie…”

He groans at the sound of his name, pushes forward slowly, and the first stretch makes both of you cry out.

His hand comes up to cup your cheek, fingers pressing into your jaw as his other arm hooks behind your back, pulling you closer until your chest meets his. The kiss deepens again, his tongue slipping into your mouth to taste you the way he tasted your skin.

You try to chase his lips when he breaks the kiss, your mouth open, needy, and when he raises himself just enough to look down at you, the sight almost breaks him. Sunghoon groans low, his body shuddering, and he pushes back in—deeper this time, harder. You meet him halfway, your hips rolling up to take him in.

You can feel the hunger in the way he moves, in the way he breathes your name against your ear.

His love is not soft—it’s desperate, consuming, something that wants to eat and be eaten until there’s nothing left but the sound of flesh and breath.

You became clingier, your body pressed against his every time. Your arms wrapped around his shoulders, your lips brushing along his neck and jaw, leaving soft kisses that grew, needier. You murmured between them, words barely formed but full of meaning, your breath hot against his ear.

“I love you, Hoonie,” you whispered.

Sunghoon smiled without meaning to, his lips curling before he could stop them. Every time you said it, something inside him warmed and ached at the same time. He wanted to answer you, to say it back and let it fall heavy between you, but the words stayed trapped in his throat. He couldn’t force them out. Instead, he kissed you again, hoping the way his mouth lingered could say what his voice couldn’t.

You didn’t seem to mind. You just held him tighter, swaying your hips gently against him, as if your bodies could speak the rest of what your mouths couldn’t. Your fingers traced the lines of his face, following the sharp edge of his jaw, the slope of his nose, the soft curve of his lips. His skin was pale and warm under your touch, the faint light catching on the small moles scattered across his face.

He was too beautiful. So beautiful it made your stomach turn, made you ache to taste him. You thought about how his teeth flashed when he smiled, how honest they looked, how much truth was hidden behind them. You loved him in a way that felt hungry, the kind of love that wanted to consume rather than simply hold. You could almost taste his emotion when he kissed you back—the sweetness of it mixed with the salt of your own breath.

You pressed your lips to the corner of his mouth and whispered again, “I love you.” He just breathed out softly, his hands resting on your hips, holding you close.

You and Sunghoon spent your days drifting from one place to another, his bike carrying you both through quiet roads and long stretches of open space. The wind whipped at your hair as you pressed yourself against his back, your arms locked around his waist. Sometimes you’d tilt your head just enough to see the curve of his cheek, the way his mouth softened when he focused on the road, and you couldn’t help but stare.

When the day began to fade, the two of you often stopped somewhere to watch the sunset. You’d sit behind him on the grass, your head resting on his shoulder as the sky turned gold and then deep red.

Sometimes, when you couldn’t help it, you’d lean closer and whisper something small and soft into his ear—words that melted before they were fully spoken.

Loving him felt like eating slowly, like tasting something rich that lingered on your tongue long after it was gone. You didn’t just want him—you wanted to keep him inside you somehow, to swallow every part of the feeling before it could fade. You loved Sunghoon so much that it frightened you, because every time you thought you had enough, you only ended up craving more. Loving him meant devouring what you wanted most, even when it began to consume you too.

Love, you thought, was cannibalism. It was a kind of hunger that never ended, a sweetness that bit back if you dared to take too much. To love him was to risk being eaten alive by your own desire, to let the sharp edges of it scrape against everything tender inside you. And you accepted that willingly. You wanted him to take from you—the small pieces, the soft parts, every bit of yourself that you’d kept hidden from the world. You wanted to offer it all as tribute, a sacrifice to the kind of affection that didn’t promise safety but felt worth the pain.

He gave you food. You gave him yourself.

You were lying on the thin mattress in the small, dim room Sunghoon had rented, your body stretched lazily across the sheets as the faint hum of the outside world leaked through the walls.

He had gone out earlier to make a trade, saying he’d be back before dark, and you had passed the time staring at the ceiling, counting the cracks that looked like branching rivers. You didn’t think about much; there wasn’t anything worth thinking about when he wasn’t there. You just waited for the sound of his bike, the faint growl that meant he was coming home.

"Huh?" You whisper quietly when you hear a sudden noise.

A noise came from beyond the door and your head tilted slightly. Curiosity was mild and passing, and you pushed yourself up, feet touching the cold floor, and went to the door, pulling it open just enough to see.

There were men standing there. Dressed in black, holding guns that caught the dim light. They looked at you the same way you looked at them—blank, and confused.

“Shit, I think we got the wrong room,” one of them muttered.

You blinked, silent. You tilted your head slightly, studying their faces, the way they shifted on their feet. Your pulse stayed slow, calm. You didn’t ask who they were or why they were here. You just wondered, faintly, when Sunghoon would come back. Maybe he’d bring the snack he liked, or another book to read while you lay beside him.

“We should leave,” one of the men said, voice uneasy.

“Are you crazy? She saw us! She could report us to the cops or something,” another snapped, lifting his gun to aim at you.

You didn’t move. Your eyes stayed fixed nonchalantly on the weapon pointed at your chest. Your thoughts drifted again to Sunghoon, if what he was doing right now.

“Stop it,” a third voice said sharply. “The girl looks like she’s not all there. She’s not reacting. We can just pay her off or—”

“I’m not trusting you with that. We just need to kill Sunghoon, that’s all.”

Kill... Sunghoon?

It was only then that your body moved. There was no scream, no warning—just the sudden, exact motion of your hand snapping forward to grab the nearest gun. Your fingers wrapped around cold metal and before the man could react, you twisted hard, the shot going off. His body jerked back and fell against the wall, blood splattering across your face.

The three remaining men froze, caught between shock and fury. You turned it slowly toward the next one, your eyes steady, your expression still empty.

They moved at once, a rough hand seized your arm and yanked you forward. You gasped from the sudden jolt that rattled through your body. The man’s grip was strong, you twisted in his hold, trying to wrench free. You sank your teeth into his forearm until you tasted blood. His scream tore through the room,m and you kicked your feet against the floor, trying to throw him off balance, grunting through the effort.

“Kill her! Fuck—just kill her already!” the man carrying you shouted, spitting out the words in fear. Another raised his gun, aiming for your head, but you were moving too much. The bullet tore through your shoulder instead, the pain sharp and burning as you stumbled, your body jerking in his grip.

“Grab a knife!” one of them yelled.

You saw the glint of metal a second before it sank toward you. You twisted again, but not enough—the blade slashed across your stomach, you screamed but you kept moving even as your skin split and blood ran down your body, fighting with raw, desperate strength. Your head spun, the edges of the room fading and brightening at once.

Sunghoon. Where was Sunghoon? You wanted him. You wanted him to come in and kill them all. You wanted him to feed you, to make this stop, to make it mean something. You wanted to eat.

The man holding you shoved you against the wall, his arm pressing hard against your throat. Your vision darkened, the air leaving your lungs in a broken rasp as you clawed at him. Your voice came out hoarse, a raw sound that barely resembled a scream—until suddenly, another sound tore through the room.

Gunfire.

The weight pinning you down fell away. The man’s body hit the floor, blood pooling under him. You blinked through the haze, vision too blurry to make sense of anything, but you smiled anyway because you heard his voice—Sunghoon’s voice— he was angry.

You turned your head, dragging yourself up against the wall. Sunghoon was there, his face hard and furious, his shirt streaked with blood that wasn’t his. He was fighting the two remaining men. One swung a knife, but Sunghoon ducked and shoved him back, slamming his fist into the man’s throat before driving his own knife straight into his stomach.

You pressed your hand to your wound and forced yourself upright, staggering on your feet. The room spun around you, your skin slick with blood, but all you could think about was him—his back to you, his shoulders tense. You wanted to reach out.

Suddenly, you saw the last man standing lifted his gun, aiming straight for Sunghoon’s head.

Your heart felt like it cracked open inside your chest. You didn’t think, you just moved. You stepped forward, half-running, half-falling, trying to grab his arm before he could fire. But he was faster. The gun went off.

The sound hit you before the pain did. The impact threw you back, a hot, crushing ache blooming in your chest as you fell.

Sunghoon froze. For a moment, everything stopped—the fight, the shouting, even his breathing. The man who shot you barely had time to blink before Sunghoon lunged, tackling him to the floor and smashing his head into the ground until the gun slipped from his hand. The world around you blurred into noise: another shot, another scream, the dull sound of a body collapsing.

Sunghoon dropped to the floor beside you, crawling on his knees until he could gather you in his arms. His hands shook as they wrapped around your body, trembling from the blood that wouldn’t stop leaking out of you. He pressed you closer, holding you against his chest. His breath came out uneven, his words stuttering through sobs.

“No, no, no,” he whispered as it cracked under the weight of panic. “Don’t—please, don’t do this to me.” His arm stayed locked around your shoulders, his thumb rubbing over your skin in small, desperate circles that smeared your blood over both of you.

You looked up at him, your eyes heavy but still searching for his face. He looked like he was falling apart—his lips trembling, his tears mixing with the red streaks on his cheeks. You could almost taste the sadness coming off him.

“I-I want to eat,” you murmured weakly.

Sunghoon’s head jerked slightly, and he let out a choked sound, a broken laugh that caught halfway through his throat. “T-There’s food here,” he said quickly, as if saying it fast enough would make it real. “I’ll cook for you, okay? I’ll make something. I’ll get you to a hospital, I—”

You shook your head weakly, your fingers twitching against his shirt. “No money for hospital,” you whispered, your voice almost gone, eyelids fluttering before you forced them open again just to see him.

He looked down at you, and your lips curved into a small, faint smile. “Beautiful,” you whispered, and the word came out like a sigh.

Sunghoon’s chest tightened as he watched your eyes, still bright even as they began to dim. He swallowed hard, his own tears were thick and so ugly on his face. “You’re beautiful too,” he said, voice trembling as he tried to steady himself, but his throat closed around the words.

You blinked, your breathing shallow, uneven. “D-Did you eat?” you asked softly, barely forming the words, but he heard you.

He shook his head, his whole body shaking with it. “No. Not yet,” he said, and his voice cracked again. His tears fell freely now, dripping onto your cheek, sliding down to your neck.

“Eat now,” you murmured, your lips barely moving. “Okay? I—” The rest never came out. Your body stilled for a moment, and the sound of silence hit him harder.

“Fuck, no—no!” Sunghoon’s voice broke open as the panic ripped through him. He pressed his forehead against yours, his tears mixing with your blood. “Please, don’t leave me, don’t—please.” His words became jagged, tumbling out in a blur. “I love you, okay? I fucking love you. Are you hungry? I—”

He looked around the room, searching for something that could fix the unfixable. His eyes landed on the knife still lying near the bloodstained floorboards. He reached for it with shaking fingers and clutched it hard, so hard the blade sliced into his palm. The blood welled up quickly, running down his wrist in dark streaks.

“Thirsty?” he said, almost tender, almost insane. “You can drink my blood, it’s fine. You can have it all. It’s warm. It’s yours.”

He lifted his hand toward your mouth, and you, half-conscious, obeyed without thought, your lips parting slightly. His blood touched your tongue, you didn’t even have the strength to swallow, but the gesture made him sob harder, his body shaking over yours.

“I love you,” he cried. “I love you, please stay with me, please.” He pressed your hand to his chest, right over his heart, where it beat too fast and too loud. “Feast on my flesh,” he whispered, his voice breaking into a trembling plea. “Drink all my blood. You can eat me if it means you’ll stay alive. Just… please…”

He leaned down, pressing his lips to yours, not caring that they were cold or that his blood was now smeared between you. "I love you, I love you, I love you." He whisper in your lips as he kiss you.

You smiled faintly,. “L-love y-you too…” The sound barely escaped your throat before it broke off, your lips parting slightly. Your eyes stayed open, still staring at him, but the light was gone. The pupils widened, dark and still, like deep water that no longer reflected anything back.

For a few seconds, Sunghoon didn’t move. He stared at you, waiting for your chest to rise again, waiting for your fingers to twitch or for your lips to move. The silence pressed down heavy on him until the ringing in his ears started.

He shook you gently, then harder, tapping your cheek over and over. “No. No, wake up. Please.” He slapped your face lightly, his voice trembling, but you didn’t respond. You stayed still in his arms, your head lolling to the side, and something inside him started to break apart.

“Fuck!” he yelled. “You can’t be gone. You can’t be fucking gone!” His voice cracked halfway through the scream, breaking into a sob he didn’t recognize. “You can’t do this to me, fuck, please.”

He pressed his forehead against yours again, his body shaking. “I should’ve left you the first time I saw you,” he whispered, his tone hollow, more to himself than to you. “It wouldn’t hurt this fucking much. I should’ve walked away.” But even as he said it, he pulled you closer, his fingers tangling in your hair, his lips brushing your ear. “Why does it hurt like this?” His breath came ragged, uneven. He didn’t like it—the ache, the emptiness. It felt like his heart was trying to crawl out of his chest, trying to escape the body that no longer wanted to hold it.

The memories hit him all at once: your voice calling his name, the way he kill people to feed you, the way you touch him gently, breath him in.

“How dare you leave me,” he whispered hoarsely, his fingers gripping your face. “You ate people, you try to fed me pieces of them, and I hated it. I fucking hated it.” His voice cracked into a sob. “But I loved you. I loved everything you gave me. Every disgusting, beautiful piece.”

He looked down at your neck, the small vein beneath your skin as if refusing to admit what had already happened. His breathing turned sharp, his jaw tightening as a single thought clawed its way to the surface. He didn’t want to lose you—not even now. If love was devouring, then maybe he could keep you inside him forever.

With trembling hands, he lowered his head and pressed his mouth to your throat. His teeth sank into your skin, deeper and rougher than before, tearing it open until the taste of iron filled his mouth. He bit down harder, his tears falling faster, mixing with your blood as he swallowed. You didn’t move. You stayed perfectly still, eyes open, your body limp in his arms.

The taste was bitter and sweet all at once, the way you always were. He sobbed against your neck, his whole body shaking as he clung to you. The warmth faded from your skin with every passing second, but he didn’t stop. He wanted to taste you, to keep you with him in the only way he knew how.

“Don’t leave me,” he whispered into the wound, his lips smeared with red. “Please, don’t leave me.” His words blurred into the sound of his crying, into the soft hum of his breath against your skin.

He pulled back just enough to look at your face again. You were gone—beautiful, still, almost peaceful—but to him, you were everything. He leaned forward and pressed another kiss to your forehead, his voice shaking as he spoke against your cooling skin.

“I love you, I love you,” he murmured against your skin, the words breaking apart between his teeth as he bit down again and again. Each bite was rougher than the last, his mouth shaking, his breath uneven. He didn’t stop even when blood began to mix with the salt of his tears, his body trembling as he whispered your name.

When morning came, the room was silent except for the faint sound of birds outside and the soft creak of the floor beneath his feet. The sunlight slipped through the broken curtains, washing everything in a dull orange glow. He moved slowly, carefully, his hands still stained with red as he gathered your body. He wrapped you with a tenderness that didn’t match what he’d done, tucking you inside a large old luggage that barely fit your frame.

He closed it gently, locking it, then dragged it across the floor. His breath came heavy as he pulled it outside and strapped it onto the back of his bike.

He drove across town, then another, passing empty roads and quiet stretches of forest, his eyes blank but his grip firm on the handles. The road blurred under him, and every few miles, he’d stop, open the luggage just a bit, and look at you. His fingers would brush over your skin before he leaned down again.

When the hunger returned—because it always did—he would stop somewhere no one could see, unzip the bag, and take what he needed. He ate quietly, almost peacefully, his face calm as if it were nothing more than a meal shared between lovers. Afterward, he’d wipe his mouth, close the luggage again, and get back on the road.

And he kept going—town after town, night after night—feeding on what was left of you, the taste of love still clinging to his tongue. He never looked for anyone else, never spoke to another soul. Just drove, and ate, and whispered your name into the wind.

ACT OF DEVOURING

written by anonymous

There’s a hunger in me that never quiets—not when I sleep, not when I breathe, not even when I say your name. And It all started the day I met you, the day I realized love could sound like an empty stomach growling for something it can never digest.

When I first undressed you, I didn’t just want to touch you. I wanted to know you in a way that skin alone couldn’t offer. I wanted to break you open and see what your heart tasted like—if it was sweet, or bitter, or human at all.

They say to love someone is to be gentle. But I’ve never known gentleness that didn’t hunger in secret. My affection grew like a thorn, the kind that cuts even as it clings. When I kissed you, I could feel the edge of it pressing into me—the ache to consume, to pull you inside until there was no line between us. The mouth was never meant to hold back love; it was made to devour, to draw flesh close enough to become one with it.

I used to think love was a way of saving. But what if it’s a way of eating—to keep what we desire from disappearing? You offered me yourself so freely, and I took you as any starving thing would: slow at first, then desperate, afraid you’d vanish before I could finish.

And even after your voice is gone, you remain in me. I feel you in the weight of my tongue, the rhythm of my heartbeat, the warmth still crawling beneath my skin. I’ve swallowed pieces of you so deep that I no longer know which hunger belongs to me and which was yours.

To love you was to consume you, to cradle you between my teeth, to love is to eat and chewed through grief.

And when the world asks what love is, I will tell them this: it’s the ache that drives the starving to sing while they feast on the ones they can’t let go.

END.

[winsmoke]

Wow, I'm feeling so blown out of my body, out of my bed into this story and its characters and their emotions. Your words melted into my brain as the story filled my room. This was truly excellent.

I listened to the song and read the Wikipedia summary of the movie. I see, in some ways, why you wrote what you did and I'm amazed. There is so much beauty in the bitterness, exhaustion, and repetition.

An underlying theme I'm interested in is who deserved to live? Sunghoon, had a purpose, to write. The reader gave herself up so he could do that. I'm interested in the reader's back story and why you decided that the reader needed to die. Also, I'm interested in why you thought Sunghoon was the appropriate member for this story.

Something I thought was really clever was that I connected a lot more with Sunghoon's perspective initially. I rarely distrust the reader's perspective and the fact that I was suspicious of myself is so delicious and fresh. I loved that I began to empathize with reader's perspective the same time Sunghoon was falling in love with her. Brilliant, so, so brilliant.

This was the angst I needed. It will haunt me for a while. Everyone read this!!

[winsmoke]

Concept ▰ Combine a NCT member with a winter holiday, an illicit substance, and a romantic endeavor.

Author’s Note ▰ General warnings include substance abuse, smut, troubled characters/relationships, fucked up behavior, and proximity to death. I’m very proud of these three fics and they best define my writing style on tumblr.

Links ▰ disclaimer | masterlist

CHENLE & CHRISTMAS & ALCOHOL:

Twisted

8.3k・angst & smut ▰ It’s December 23rd and you’re ready to ease yourself into a thin dress and evade your mind for another night

Preview ▰ “Why do you do this to yourself?” Chenle questions, irritated that you are stupid enough to dress so carelessly in -10º C weather. Chenle fidgets with his hands, fighting the compulsion to rub your arms and breathe warmth into your shaking fingers. “Because it’s fun,” you reply drily.

Status ▰ Posted on Christmas Eve; edited & reposted June 19th

Dear Chenle

0.7k・angst & smut ▰ Small extension of Twisted

XIAOJUN & NEW YEAR’S & MARIJUANA:

Blazed

5.3k・angst & smut ▰ Xiaojun wants a girlfriend so badly… but his hunger is unpredictable

Preview ▰ “Trying to trade a couple grams for love again?” Hendery scolded, dragging Xiaojun down the ratty hallway. “They’re freshmen you idiot.”

Status ▰ Posted on January 9th

SHOTARO & VALENTINE’S DAY & MDMA:

Fun Dip

7.3k・angst & smut ▰ Shotaro was always happy, too happy

Preview ▰ “I would say it’s too cold for you to wear that but X will warm you up.”

Status ▰ Posted February 19th

[winsmoke]

Winter time means.... I gotta read these again.

[spiderjeong00]

baby got a type (yunho x reader)

synopsis: Something has been watching you from the shadows of your room for weeks- you’re sure of it now. After many sleepless nights, you finally confront this specter in a fit of courage. What occurs may just seal a fate you can’t quite grip.

incubus!yunho x fem!reader // 18+ ONLY, MINORS AWAY🫵🏻// smut, demons, oh my !

a/n: ahhhh baby’s first published fic. I wrote this right before the iyf comeback and have been debating publishing… so please let me know any thoughts!

warnings for the fun ahead: power play, demons, supernatural persuasion, thigh riding, fingering, mostly reader receiving, riding, penetration, unprotected sex, creampie, brief spanking, hickies, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, inhuman abilities, reader is losing her gd mind, PLZ LET ME KNOW IF I FORGOT SMTH.

word count: 8.6k, just a lil one shot typa thing

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Sleep had always been a fickle concept for me. Some nights, sleep greeted me like an old friend, our conversations smooth and easy to slip into. Others, sleep was that word you desperately sought but couldn’t put your finger on. The sheep are accounted for, songs are sung silently in my mind from start to finish, intentional breathing rhythms- all to little avail.

Once sleep does arrive, however, it is a visitor that doesn’t bother taking their shoes or coat off at the door. No, it will be leaving shortly. Every night, regardless of its start, is the same. My body naturally awakens as I check my phone only to see it’s 3:00 am. The first few nights, I didn’t think much of anything. While the Witching Hour often carried a state of uneasiness, I relished in the silence. A time when the world directly around me was asleep and still.

It was the sixth night when I noticed the first change. The fan rotated as it did every night on the highest setting as I laid snug under the heavily weighted blanket. Typically, this was my sweet spot; however, as I awoke during the night at my usual time, I found the temperature to be significantly warmer than my room was accustomed to. At first, I thought I was getting a cold, growing more susceptible to sudden sweats. I rid myself of the thick, heavy blanket, but it wasn’t enough. Changing into a tank top and ridding my sweatpants altogether does just as little.

A new feeling developed the following week: paranoia. Everyone is guilty of thinking something is in your home, but often we know better than to fear such a thing. Yet, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. Shining the flashlight of my phone, I always felt silly to see that nothing was there. Because of course nothing was. There wouldn’t be a feasible explanation. Living alone, my bedroom door was always locked and I am a light sleeper. Surely, I would hear something in the event someone was indeed in my room. Surely.

The third week was when I first saw something. I had heard of sleep paralysis, but never witnessed it myself. I still had full control of my body, but when I saw the figure standing just out of the moonlight peaking through the curtains, I chose to not move at all. Having just woken up, I assumed it was residual pieces of a dream I was having. I blinked slowly, firmly- and the figure was gone. The figure continued its visits in this fashion for two weeks. I began waking up and immediately shining my flashlight, but of course, nothing was there.

I took melatonin. Tea to make you sleep. Zzquil, you name it. Every night, at 3:00 am, I was awake staring at this vague outline until I blinked it away.

I grew tired of its games. Whether the “it” in question was truly something corporeal or just my mind’s tricks, I had had enough of sleepless, anxiety-filled nights. On the Tuesday of the fourth week, I awoke as usual. I sat up, looking at the figure who never moved an inch.

In my irritable, exhausted state, I spoke to it, fully aware of how insane it was, “Are these theatrics going to lead somewhere eventually?”

Silence formed once more after my voice had destroyed it. A chill spread down my body as my mind spiraled. You’re not meant to provoke ghosts, spirits, demons, and so on. If you speak to it, you’re inviting it in- or at least, that’s what I’ve always been told. My chest felt tight and completely empty at the same time as I watched the figure, for the first time, move. Its head, very slowly, tilted downward at me, and it was at that moment that I seemed to grasp its height. It was tall.

Fear creeped into my skin sending goosebumps all throughout me. I blinked furiously, and to my relief, it was gone.

The entire following day, I thought about the figure. I was tired of feeling unsafe in my own apartment- in my own room. My friends told me it’s common and to see a doctor possibly. For them to tell me I’m having silly dreams and charge me hundreds of dollars? Pass.

The following night, I tried to stay awake out of fear of seeing it again. On this night, however, my body beyond fatigued from countless sleepless nights, sleep was all too friendly and familiar. I jolted upright as I awoke, the figure watching me unmoving. With a burst of courage, I swung my feet off the bed, landing into the plush carpet. I watched its head slightly turn, tracking me. As I approached, I realized this thing was over a foot taller than me. Nearing it, I could vaguely make out hair in the dark shadow, as well as a long jacket it appeared to be wearing. It appeared a human-like form, but possibly made of shadow. My mind couldn’t understand.

I stopped a few feet away as I felt an almost warning heat intensifying as I drew near, immediately feeling the perspiration setting in on my temples. My voice was quiet, rasped with a lack of energy from months of interrupted rest, “Is this going to be forever?”

The figure dipped its head down. To my shock, a clear, deeper masculine voice emanated from it, “Would you like it to be?”

My body froze, locked into place. Was it its influence or my own? I couldn’t tell. I felt myself growing more tired by the second, a dull ache hitting my head. My eyes forcing themselves closed, a numbness spreading over me.

Suddenly, I woke in my bed once more. The voice echoed in my mind nonstop. I knew the voice, I had heard it before. The accent, the tone, the bass, the slight, easy to miss nasally undertones. But now, I couldn’t place it.

It didn’t seem hostile. Weeks of watching me and that’s precisely all it did: observe. If it wanted to hurt me, it would have done so already, right?

So, the following night, I would do the same as before. When I woke, I didn’t bother checking the time. I knew it was 3:00 am, my body had its own internal clock at this point. I sat up, eyes locking immediately onto the figure who remained in its spot beside the window, in the shadows of the velvet curtains.

I inhaled deeply, willing my voice to remain strong, “Why do you watch me?”

The figure didn’t move, “Should I not?”

That voice. It tickled my brain, sitting on the tip of my tongue. I knew it. If this were a regular occurrence with a stranger, I would have outright scoffed; but here, with this currently neutral entity, I chose my words carefully.

“It’s uneasy, it makes it hard to sleep,” I started, wondering if it would evade my question or give me some semblance of logic.

“I’m learning you.”

Its voice hung in the air, ruminating. The way it spoke sounded nearly inhuman. Most would say “I’m learning about you” or “I’m getting to know you.” “I’m learning you” felt…odd. Intimate.

“Was it you that put me to sleep last night? Did you lock up my body?”

“Hm,” a low rumble came from the figure that seemed to shake the room, sending shivers down my spine. “I didn’t expect you to remember that. Sorry about that.”

Confirmation. This thing was outing itself as something supernatural. It possessed the ability to freeze my body and force it into unconsciousness. My mind ran with what other abilities it possibly owned. In that moment, I realized the very real danger I could be facing mere feet away.

“Why did you do that when I just want to understand?”

A low, dangerous chuckle rang from the figure, and against my better judgment and fear, I felt a wave of warmth spread down my body, “I suppose I wasn’t expecting you to approach me- not yet.”

I blinked hard, feeling my eyelids grow heavier as I rubbed them, “Why visit me? Why now? For weeks? I’ve lived here for over a year, I don’t understand.”

A silence followed and I wondered if I stepped too far, but then he responded, “I’m not something that haunts this building, if that’s what you’re implying.”

I kept my voice light, airy, so as to not sound accusatory, “Then, why are you here?”

Another heavy pause.

“You think about me a lot, it’s difficult to ignore.”

His words crawled up my legs, through my torso, into my chest. My body broke into a cold sweat, my palms growing slightly clammy despite the growing temperature of the room. Goosebumps erected all over my arms and legs, and suddenly, I recognized his voice.

“Can you step into the light? Please,” I spoke softly, my eyes widened. My heart was thumping against my chest wildly, my stomach swirling. It couldn’t be.

With a soft step forward, I watched the moonlight bathe his soft, tan skin in a haunting glow. He wore a long, luxurious coat that undoubtedly swept the floor around his shoes. Swirls of black and red designs framed the black dress shirt he wore underneath that tucked neatly into black dress pants. His full lips were reddened, as if he had bitten them and they were showing their agitation. Familiar warm, brown eyes looked into my own underneath his parted, perfectly messy black hair.

My mouth was open slightly and I had to manually close it, wetting my dry lips momentarily as I stared in awe. Words pawed at my lips, but I denied each one freedom.

Exhaling lightly from his nose in a small laugh, he smiled softly, “Not so scary, hm?”

His eyes remained on mine, clearly waiting for a reaction of any sort. His stare made that warmth emanate again, a pulse. My stomach was swirling with nerves as I tried to make sense of how this man was standing at the foot of my bed. The heat radiating off of him grew stronger as I felt my legs growing uncomfortably warm under the weight of my bedding.

I cleared my throat, “I’m dreaming, aren’t I? All this time, this was an odd, repeating, continual dream?”

“Oh, I’m sure,” a mischievous grin danced across his lips, his eyes never leaving mine as he nodded.

After silence surrounded the room again for a few seconds, he took a few smooth steps now, the moonlight reflecting beautifully along his neck and chest. Here, in the dead of night, he seemed a lunar prince, something of fairytales. Despite his teasing, this had to be a dream, because there was no practical explanation for how or why he would be here.

As he leaned forward, his hands resting on the footboard of the bed, I became increasingly insecure in the fact that he was dressed so regally, while I wore nothing but underwear and a baggy, old work shirt. I pulled the covers more snugly over my lap, but froze when he reached his hand out, gently placing it on my covered calf. It felt as though I stuck my foot into a readied oven, the heat immense.

“You don’t need to do that, there’s no shame between us,” he whispered, caressing my shin as he retracted his hand to the bed frame. Breath ceased to enter or exit my body, his touch electrifying, even through the thick material, as I felt that intense warmth sweep over my legs. “You know me, right?”

I nodded, but he continued staring, his head tilting slightly now as if to challenge that I did know him. My skin heated, forcing my mouth to find the right shapes, “Yunho.”

That captivating, warm smile I had seen so many times on screens, on albums, now shone brightly just feet away, “And I know you.”

My fingers began to play with the blanket to cope with the immense pressure I was beginning to feel in my lower stomach, that warmth turning into something much more dangerous. Nerves swallowed me whole, “You do?”

I swallowed hard, the feeling seemingly growing more intense by the moment, and he seemed to know it. My legs unconsciously tightened together, and his gaze followed their movement, his lips curling into a cocky smirk.

“I’ve been learning you, beautiful. Your likes, your dislikes, your muses, your thoughts,” he paused, his eyes flicking up to mine again, and for a moment, I swear a red gleam shined in his eyes, “your fantasies.”

Despite still standing at the foot of my bed, I felt his words on my neck, his breath hot. It felt so real, but I reminded myself this had to be a dream. Even still, I could not deny the uncomfortable slick I felt running down my thigh. This was unlike me. I had never been so worked up to this extent, let alone without someone touching me. Something was undeniably supernatural about his presence and it was affecting me, deeply.

I attempted to come back to reality, ignoring the pool in my underwear, “You’ve learned that from watching me sleep for a few minutes every night?”

That laugh again, it seemed to echo over the room. Its source, though right in front of me, felt as if he were in every corner, down the hall, right beside me, a whisper against my ear, “You wake only when I allow you to feel my presence.”

Though I tried to remain calm, he seemed amused by the expression that took my face. How long had he been watching me?

“Does that scare you, dear?” His voice sounded full of concern, but the smirk on his lips showed his true emotion. “That I’ve observed you silently for months?”

Months? The idea of him, Yunho, watching me for so long filled me with questions, fear, worry…need, and yet, my eyes never left his, “All because you hear my thoughts about you?”

His eyes trailed down my covered body, eventually landing on his hands which tightened around the footboard, the veins bulging, “And they’ve caught my attention. You have caught my attention.”

His eyes lifted to mine as we locked eyes in silence. In the darkness of the room with only the moonlight, it was difficult to read his eyes, but they looked almost frightening. This was a look on Yunho I had only seen a handful of times when performing an intense song or acting, but it was of course exaggerated. Now…now it looked as if I were a meal to him. And due to the overwhelming, sudden lust that was overtaking every fiber of me, I was perfectly content with that very real possibility.

“Can you hear my thoughts right now, too?” I asked, trying to sneakily squeeze my legs together for any semblance of relief. Fruitless of course, and his eyes immediately narrowed in on my covered thighs. The wood creaked underneath his hands as his grip tightened.

“I’m trying to be a gentleman, restrain myself,” it sounded as though he were speaking through gritted teeth. “But you’re loud, baby.”

My entire body tensed. The power and effect he was having over my body was involuntary, however my thoughts matched every heartbeat, every pulse below, and every shiver.

“I hear your need, your desire,” he was breathing hard, and I realized then, our breathing was synced. As my pulse quickened with this abrupt lust and fear, his chest fell and rose faster. He took a rasped, broken breath, “Tell me you want my help, and I’ll give it you.”

If our shared lust wasn’t so deafening, I may have questioned what this would mean. If this were a dream, this was the first time I was ever in control of my actions. But maybe I wasn’t? Maybe this was all his effect over me. No. My thoughts were clear, my body shouting at me. I needed him.

“I need your help,” I breathed, and as I said those words, I couldn’t help but feel as if I had sealed my fate in some cosmic way.

Not a second later, my bed weighed down as he lowered his knee to the mattress over the footboard. Crawling up my body, he slid his leg between mine as he opened my thighs. His hands pressed into the mattress on either side of me as he hovered, his face just in front of mine now as I still sat up.

Holy shit. I looked up into his eyes, my own scanning his face. It was really him. Not a trick of the absence of light. From the small moles under his eye to the rich chocolate color of his eyes, it was him. The heat was intimidating, sweat beginning to line my temples and neck immediately as my body adjusted to the sudden temperature increase.

His big brown eyes narrowed with lust, his pupils dilated as his gaze consumed me under heavy eyelids. Despite his eyes, he smiled softly, “Touch me.”

My chest was rising and falling violently, and I watched as his did the exact same. I raised my hand slowly, hovering just beside his cheek. His eyes were on mine again, tempting me further, pulling me deeper into this painful lust with him. Finally, my hand landed gently on his cheek, and it felt scalding hot. Almost like when you accidentally touch the toaster before it’s cooled off. Reflexively, I jerked my hand away, but he chased it, pressing his cheek into it once more. Involuntarily I hissed in pain, his eyes carefully tracking my reaction. It hurt, but my body seemed to adapt quickly to it. In fact, the feeling became addictive. I found myself desperately wanting to feel him, this burn, all over my body, but instead, I looked into his eyes, unsure.

“Let go, baby,” he whispered. “Your fantasy, I hear it. It’s beautiful. Sit in it.”

From his words alone, my pussy pulsed again. A chill spread throughout my body that could only be subdued by his heat. My other hand found the side of his neck, the sting of his heat deliciously painful. His lips were centimeters away, his gaze looking down at me expectantly, unmoving.

“This is crazy,” I breathed. His eyebrows rose, almost as a challenge, a playful smirk appearing before me. I took it. Pulling him to me, his lips landed on mine and I felt the fire. It burned against my lips and melted into longing, carnal lust. All resistance snapped. My hands moved into his hair, pulled slightly as our lips moved messily and quickly against each other. I yelped as he bit down into my lip, sucking it softly into his mouth before teasing my tongue with his. My mind was falling apart in his hands, and I didn’t do a thing to stop it.

Growing used to his heat, I hardly flinched when his hands grazed my sides as he threw the blanket off of me. His hands scooped under my shirt and landed on my bare waist. I couldn’t help the moan that left my lips and rumbled against his at the feeling of his hands on my bare body. His hands glided higher, enveloping my tits as he began to thumb over my nipples, my head feeling dizzy. I needed more.

Hearing my thoughts, he leaned back for only a moment, his hands grabbed my thighs and pulling me down, forcing me to lay all the way down. The moment my head hit the pillow, his lips were suddenly on mine again with supernatural speed. As I reached up to hold him, I realized his jacket was gone, discarded by some means I didn’t have the mind to comprehend. His leg was between mine again as he nudged his thigh against my heat, his mouth landing on mine, stifling my pathetic whimper at his contact.

Against my lips, that haunting chuckle rumbled as he nudged me again, “Go on, use it. I know you want to.”

A wave a brief embarrassment rippled through me, but he immediately silenced it with his mouth on my neck. He began leaving sloppy, fiery kisses along my neck as his leg remained planted between mine.

Reason and reality were things of the past. All I could see was him. All I could feel was him.

Angling my hips and shifting down, I grinded down on his thigh, the muscle firm and unwavering. With only my thin underwear as a barrier, my swollen clit finally caught some relief, but it only made my need more intense. At the contact, I couldn’t contain the moan that rang into the room. Beneath it, I heard a deep grunt from Yunho as well, clearly enjoying the idea of me using his thigh for my pleasure. I continued my movement, the tight feeling in my lower stomach growing more and more tense, and both Yunho and I seemed to get louder and louder. It was as if he was sharing my sensitivity…and I wondered in my haze if maybe he was.

The sensation began to feel overwhelming, and I could tell he was aware. He latched onto the space between my neck and collarbone and began sucking aggressively, his teeth sinking slightly into the delicate flesh. His thigh began moving against my grinding, adding friction and intensity.

It hit me all at once. I came hard onto him, soaking my underwear and no doubt his dress pants as well. My eyes shut tight, I focused on the explosive feelings in my stomach, waiting for it to die off and feel a little more level-headed, but only half of that came to be. As I came down, I felt that my need for Yunho hadn’t lessened in the slightest. In fact, I needed him more. More of him. All of him. Meeting my gaze when I opened my eyes was his knowing, smirking face. Trailing down his arms, I watched him roll up one of his sleeves, his fingers rubbing the wet spot on his dress pants mindlessly. His chest heaved with mine, his eyes dark.

Taking his lip between his teeth, he spoke lowly between his breaths, “Need more, don’t you?”

Desperately. It felt as if I might die if not satiated right here and now with this man. I began to question how anyone or I ever got myself off before. He felt like an integral piece of me, like my desire incarnate. My need was growing, my eyes tearing as I looked over him, nodding pathetically.

“Tell me,” he mused, his hand coming to cup my face seemingly sweetly, until his thumb swept over my bottom lip. The soft pad of his fingertip swept over my bottom teeth before dipping further. Without any consideration, I sucked lightly on it and he grunted through his words. “What do you want, gorgeous?”

Retracting his thumb, he began unbuttoning his dress shirt slowly, but stopped, his eyes on me, waiting for a response.

“I thought you’ve seen it all, my desires,” I whispered, curious to how he would react to a gentle jab.

He smiled for a moment, before dropping it, meeting my eye as he found the last few buttons, “Yes, but I want to hear you ask for it.”

His shirt fell around him as a tear finally dropped from my eye. I didn’t know who I was. I was so full of blind desire, my need to be engulfed by him, taken by him, that I was driven to desperation. His skin was so smooth, little moles here and there littered his skin leaving abstract constellations in their wake.

His hand returned to my chin, lifting it back to his eyes, “Ask for it, beautiful.”

Though his demeanor was still dark, his words were soft. Only this man could make me feel this insane sense of danger and safety in equal parts.

“Please, just take it all. All of me, please,” the words poured out of me, sounding completely desperate. Because I was.

He smiled, “I will have all of you, don’t worry. But I know you’re thinking of something. I need to hear you say it.”

A wave of embarrassment washed over me, but once again, he sensed it. His hand flew to mine, dragging me to sit up with him as he led it to his dick, painfully hard underneath his pants. A sob nearly freed itself from my throat, but I swallowed it. If he felt this good over his pants and only with my hand, I didn’t know how I would take all of him.

“I want you, too. There is no shame between us, like I said,” he groaned, using my hand to stroke his covered dick before throwing it away, knocking me on my back again as he clearly restrained himself. “Now, say it.” He crawled over me, completely encompassing my body with his broad form. Caging me.

Forced to look at him, I broke, “I need your hands all over me. I need that burn. I need your fingers, please.”

That cocky smile returned to his face as his hand caressed down my body, trailing right to my already drenched underwear.

“Should I be gentle?” he teased.

I shook my head, resulting in another low laugh from him, “I need the pain. I need to be full of you.” My own words surprised me, my tone unrecognizable even to myself, but I meant everything I said.

Hooking his finger into my waistband, he flung my underwear down my legs as they fell out of view. His opposite hand planted on my waist, rubbing firm circles that felt greater than skin-deep. His fingers wasted no time. It was as if he knew my body already, as if we had done this countless times. With startling accuracy, his fingers immediately found my dripping hole, and he plunged two of them inside of me. His long, slender fingers stretched me out, his fingers curling and tapping my g-spot. I cried out, the feeling excruciatingly pleasurable. My hands flew to his back, pulling his body to mine. His soft, smoldering skin was wrecked under my sharp nails as he moaned against my mouth, relishing the pain.

Moans left my mouth endlessly, his name rolling out of me without control. His fingers kept a pace that left my brain thoughtless, my eyes squinting shut from the pain-filled pleasure as I felt tears falling freely now. I needed more of him, his skin on mine.

At the thought, he suddenly leaned up, biting the collar of my shirt while his free hand tore it. The shirt messily ripped in half, the sides falling to the bed as he closed in again, his torso flush with mine. It burned so fucking good. This feeling was intoxicating, mind numbing. My legs wrapped around his waist, needing more. My legs shook as he continued his pace, his heat enveloping them. The shifted angle allowed him to finger me even deeper, sobs leaving my mouth without warning. He was destroying me, words were struggling to form in my mouth- the only word I could manage was his name. The sound of his fingers sliding in and out of my drenched pussy echoed around the room, his grunts and my moans following each one. My hip ached where he still held me with an iron grip, but I savored the bruising that was sure to appear later. My mind was foggy, my lower stomach both tight and tingly from his fingers curling into me over and over.

“Yunho,” I choked out, his eyes darting to mine with a primal, dark gaze. “I’m close again, fuck-“

Without warning, I felt a third finger slide in as his thumb found my clit, rubbing softly at the sensitive bundle of nerves. I bit down hard on my lip, barely catching a scream from erupting out of me. This pleasure was incomparable to anything I had ever felt. The burning heat from his body, his curled fingers thrusting in and out of me, his hand fusing with my hip, his gaze dark and adoring, his grunts in perfect harmony with my whimpers, it was unnatural. His fingers shoved deep into me where they stopped as he pulsed them, rubbing my g-spot torturously. My legs tightened around his waist as he closed in, swallowing my obscene moans as I came undone around his fingers. This time, I saw stars. My entire body shook as I clung to him. Feeling my walls clench sporadically around his still pulsing fingers numbed my senses. I lost feeling to every part of me, aside from my core which throbbed now as I came back down. His fingers were still inside me, his lips still on mine as he kissed me slow and passionate. He pulled back, looking down at me with a soft smile.

His voice was gentle, “How do you feel?”

I took a moment to really listen to my body. I ached. My pussy still throbbed around his fingers, my hips bruised from his grip, my lower stomach sore from where his fingers reached, my mind completely befuddled. Still, all I could think about was him inside of me.

I looked down his body, watching his chest rise and fall with mine, my eyes drifting to his dick hardened beneath the restrictive dress pants.

“You’ve given me so much,” I sighed, subconsciously biting my lip as I looked over his face and body, utterly perfect. “You deserve to feel the same way.”

His fingers finally pulled out of me, leaving me with a painfully empty feeling. A silent gasp took me as I watched him suck off his own fingers, tasting my slick. As he looked to me again, his eyes flashed that same deep red color from before. This should scare me, but it only made my cunt shudder with need. What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I afraid? I didn’t care. Not really. Not right now. Right now, I needed him.

“I said I would help you and I did. But, it seems it’s not enough, is it?” His voice teased me, his smirk driving me mad. His eyes scanned down my now completely nude body, as if he were communicating with it on a level I couldn’t understand. “You need my dick, don’t you, sweetheart? Say it.”

In the past ten minutes, I had already came twice as a result of him. This has never happened to me. Ever. My body was exhausted, my mind still partially reeling, and still, my desire for him, for all of him, was at its peak.

Staring into his blown out eyes that likely resembled my own, I tilted my head down to look at him through my lashes, showing my obedience, my willingness to submit to whatever he would give me.

“You’re making a mess of me. I don’t know what’s happening to me, what you’re doing- but I need all of you.” I reached for him, my hands gliding down his arms to his back, his waist as he tilted his head back in pleasure, his eyes not leaving mine, “I need your dick.”

The room was silent for a moment before he took a deep inhale through his nose, leaning his head down to be level with mine, “Are you sure you want this?”

There was a softness to his gaze, his eyes looking back and forth between my own, reading me. Somehow, after everything we had just gone through together, this question, this need for clear consent, felt heavy. Intense. Altering. As if the chance for returning back to normalcy was fleeting.

And yet.

“Yes. Yunho, I need you.”

Without hesitation, he pushed me back to the bed as he followed me down, chasing my lips. I could hardly keep up with his kiss, his teeth nipping at my lips, his tongue dominating mine. My hands caressed down his torso, feeling every ridge and curve, before arriving at his belt buckle. With ease, I undid his belt before taking to the button that held his dick back from me. My fingers fiddled with it, but I was growing impatient as I struggled. Feeling my difficulty, Yunho laughed against my lips, but it wasn’t the dark one from before. It was the laugh I had heard countless times before. Genuine. Goofy. Innocent. Realizing the moment for the silliness it truly was, I couldn’t help but giggle against him.

Oddly, that moment felt more intimate than anything else that night.

One of his large hands slid over mine, easily undoing the button and sliding the zipper down. Seamlessly and without separating our lips, he slid both pants and underwear down his legs. Needing to see him, I turned to the side as he began kissing down my neck again. My eyes widened at the sight of all of him, completely perfect. Every detail sculpted and refined by the gods. He had remained fully hard the entire time he had his way with me, and I craved him.

“Need to see you,” I muttered. “All of you.”

He finally allowed his lips to part from me, leaning back so he sat on his knees now in front of me. I sat up on my elbows, in absolute awe. His dark hair sat messily over his forehead, slightly sweaty in some areas that clung perfectly to his skin. Droplets of sweat lined his neck and chest which heaved in tandem with mine still. His dick sat erect, as if it were awaiting my attention. The moonlight was his spotlight, highlighting his beauty.

“Yunho,” I breathed, struggling to find words. “You’re so beautiful. So angelic.”

His lip twitched slightly before smiling, his gaze intense on me, “There are things more beautiful than angels.”

He leaned forward, gently kissing my lips once more and I melted into his hands. His tender, soft nature was still there, but this was like another side to him entirely. No one could see this coming.

Myself included, as suddenly, he gripped my thighs, pulling me flush against him. As my back hit the bed and I was dragged to him, his dick pressed against my slick pussy. I had wanted to do something for only him. Blow him, jerk him off, anything he would let me, anything he wanted. But it became apparent to me, as I reached for his dick and he enveloped both my hands in one before pinning them over my head, that I was the focus tonight.

I couldn’t help the whine mixed with a moan that escaped my mouth, “I want to touch you, too.”

His voice was hoarse and low, “I’m helping you, remember? We agreed.”

With his free hand, he ran his fingers through my folds as I squirmed beneath him, “Still soaked, still so sensitive. Are you ready for me?”

I nodded my head, my heart pounding, “Yes, take it all.”

Swiftly, his hand moved from my heat to my ankle, carrying it to his shoulder as I wrapped my other leg around his waist. I watched him take himself in his hand, guiding himself to me. His eyes locked onto mine, narrow and dark. As his head buried inside of me, he groaned low, tensing his jaw as he pushed all the way into me, his head immediately hitting my most sensitive area. My lips remained pressed together, but the whimper was very audible if just strained. My mind was blank, buzzing. All I could focus on was how full I immediately felt, my legs immediately shaking from his size. My arms still pinned over my head, I realized how vulnerable I truly was. This man I had fawned over for, but never truly knew, was balls deep inside me with one hand keeping me restrained while the other firmly held my ankle in place on his broad shoulder. He could do anything to me right now and I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. And I reveled in that fact.

“I can’t hold back, love,” he whispered, placing a kiss to my shin before looking back down to me. “Are you okay?”

I knew he could get into my head and learn everything I thought and felt. He’d proved that point. But the fact that he needed a verbal confirmation from me gave me butterflies. Butterflies at a time like this. I had never felt so full and stretched. I swear his tip was nudging my stomach. It burned, that fiery, addictive heat.

I nodded too quickly, my mind a furnace powered by lust and desire alone. My next words rumbled out of me, feeling foreign in my mouth, yet I agreed with the sentiment, “Ruin me.”

With confirmation and encouragement, his hips immediately rolled fluidly into mine, his dick retreating for moments before slamming into me again. My body jolted as he picked up the pace steadily, his hips snapping into mine as he seemed to reach further and further in me. Never would I have known I could run so deep until he was there to fill me. My body reacted involuntarily, my eyes squeezed shut, my legs shaking uncontrollably with every merciless thrust. He steadied my ankle on his shoulder, his grip tight and dominating, not allowing it to drop from him. Cusses were falling in waves out of my mouth, his name mixed in between them. His eyes trailed from my face down my body, watching my tits bounce with every thrust he gave me. The sight seemed to rile him further as his pace somehow quickened even more so. Startlingly, the impact and power into every thrust did not lessen with his increase in speed. It only grew.

“Touch me,” he muttered as he released my wrists, trailing his hand down my body, “while you have the sense.”

I should have been wary of what he had meant, but his body and energy warped my perception. I reached for him, sliding my hands up his torso, raking my nails across him as he groaned. His name came out in a sob as he squeezed my tit before lowering his hand and pressed down on my lower stomach where I felt him slamming into me.

I felt my third orgasm of the night building deep within me. I had never cum from penetration alone, and I felt a wave of anxiety briefly wash over me before his voice interrupted.

“You’re taking me so well, gorgeous,” his voice was slightly hoarse, but he hardly sounded out of breath. “Let me feel you cum on my dick, go on.”

As if his words were a command, I felt that deep building ache release into pure euphoria. My legs shook violently, my nails digging into his back, my head dizzy. He did not stop. Whimpers flew out of me, cries, but somehow I didn’t want him to stop. He fucked me through my orgasm, unrelenting, and as my glazed, half-lidded eyes met his, I was met with his deep crimson ones narrowed, a smirk on his face.

I nearly screamed his name, reaching for his face. I need his lips, his warmth. His heat to ground me.

His hand guided my leg around his waist as he leaned down to me, his body flush against mine as he caged me. His kiss was deep, slow, almost passion-filled, a stark contrast to his rough pace. He swallowed my rasped breaths and moans, his tongue working over mine. His kiss trailed down my jaw and onto my neck, forcing me to turn away from him. As I opened my eyes, I caught a glimpse of our shadows against the wall in the moonlight. Now- it could have been from my lust-filled haze. It could have been due to the fact that I was being thrashed back and forth with each thrust. It could have been a simple trick of the light. But I swear I saw the unmistakable outline of large, jagged wings sprouting from his back and surrounding our bodies. I trailed my hands up his back as if to prove to myself that nothing was there, his smooth skin igniting my touch. I slid them up the base of his neck, through his hair, and landed on his cheeks, pulling him back to my face. His eyes only that deep ruby flare now and I found myself deeply entranced.

I hadn’t fully come down when I started to feel myself building again. My body was exhausted. It felt as if he were ripping me in half, but there was something deeply addictive and intoxicating to the burn. Never did his pace waver, only his low chuckle ringing in my ears as I know he felt how worked up I still was. I kissed him again, my hands tangling messily into his hair. I couldn’t get enough of him. It was nearly embarrassing. I felt both of our breathing picking up rapidly with every bite and thrust.

“Still not enough for you, is it?” He spoke gravelly against my lips.

“More, please-,” I whispered, my throat raw from moaning and nearly screaming his name. “I need more.”

His eyebrow raised, his tongue in his cheek, “Then take it. Show me how badly you need it.”

It was as if I was suddenly possessed by something carnal, something primal. With my hands on his chest, I pushed him as he allowed himself to fall onto his back, his dick sliding out of me and onto his stomach. Unconsciously, I wiped the corner of my mouth of the drool that quickly accumulated as I noticed how much larger he had grown. Hungrily, I straddled his lap, taking his dick into my hand. He felt painfully hard, and yet a sly smirk remained on his face as he watched me as if he was proud. Proud of this animal he had quickly made of me. I watched him run his hand through his perfectly messy hair and tried to catch him off guard as I stroked him with my own slick that coated him still. Dropping his elbow, his head hit the bed as his hand lowered over his face, concealing his eyes but his smile was on full display. Creating a crescendoing tempo, I continued pumping him and found myself sharing his pleasure. Every stroke had my own legs shaking along his sides, every twitch of his cock echoed the pulsing of my cunt, our moans tangling together in the thick fog of our heat. My body responded to his, a conversation of lust and need. I wanted to tease him as he had done to me, coax him for longer before riding him as I so desperately wanted to- but I lacked the strength.

With an unsolicited whimper and strained expletive from me, I lifted my hips and slid him back inside of me. My hand flew to just above my navel where I felt him, pressing slightly almost to prove to myself that was truly where he was hitting. I felt frozen, impaled on him as whimpers left my throat. His hands flew to my hips as he groaned before chuckling once more and taking his own bottom lip between his teeth. His brows scrunched together momentarily deliciously and I delighted in this perspective of him. His gorgeous skin on full display, every mole along his neck and chest which raised and fell once again with mine. If I could pause time, I would. Bask in this moment of intimacy, admire him. But every fiber of me screamed at me to move. My body yearned to feel him for days after this encounter.

And so I did.

I raised my hips but he didn’t let me get far. He had to show me he was still in charge, that this was his doing. Yunho’s hands tightened on my hips and slammed me back down onto him while he simultaneously pushed his hips into mine, forcing me to feel him incomprehensibly deeply. I couldn’t help the brief yelp that escaped me, the shock taking my body. I tried to raise my hips again, but in the same fashion he slammed me back down. Again. Again. Again. I looked down at my own body as my hands and nails found his broad shoulders, half expecting to see where his dick was hitting me. I watched his dick appear and disappear over and over again into me, my eyes fanning over his body to his face. His ruby eyes watched me carefully, occasionally squinting shut out of pleasure, an open-mouthed smirk across his lips, “You’ve done so well, baby.”

Every thrust felt as though it would send me straight over the edge, my legs shaking from pleasure and my arms shaking from the sheer power he was putting into me as I struggled to keep myself up.

“Yunho,” I rasped, my eyes tearing, “you feel incredible. I needed you, I needed this.”

“I know. Come here, give in. Let me take you,” his bassy tone flooded my senses. I couldn’t reject his offer. I allowed my body to fall forward against his, his lips capturing my own as he increased his rough pace into me. My arms snaked under his neck as he kissed me with almost aggression. As if he were chasing something he couldn’t pin down.

“I’m yours, Yunho,” I assured against him. “All of me.”

A sound that could only be described as a primal growl erupted from him, vibrating against my mouth, “Then you’re mine.”

Suddenly, he lifted me from my hips and turned me away from him on my knees. His dick left me aching for only mere seconds before he was thrusting into me at an unforgiving pace. My body slumped immediately from his strength, my cheek pressed into the bed. His hands wandered from my back, waist, hips, and ass as he felt me up, squeezing and pinching as he went. My breath was raggedly heaving out of me, unflattering whines leaving me as he split me open, but little regard remained for myself. Somehow, my orgasm was building rapidly with this new angle, and I felt him wrap his arm underneath me and push in on my lower stomach. A grunt left him as he leaned down, whispering in my ear, “Feel.”

I put my hand where his was and he placed his over mine, pushing our hands down where I felt his dick hitting me inside over and over. The feeling was overwhelming. Painful. All encompassing. Fiery. Necessary. Delicious. Whimpers flew out of me, as I turned my head to see him in the corner of my eyes. His head was thrown back, biting his lip again before a smile spread across him, tilting down as if he knew I was watching him, “Can you take me when I finish, my love?”

Fuck. That was thought and both groaned as he laughed at my pathetic response. I nodded still, “Please, yes.”

“Good girl,” he rasped, his hand suddenly striking my ass harshly before rubbing it soothingly. My low moan tangled into sobs as his pace quickened. His dick felt as though it was somehow growing inside of me, reaching areas never touched before. I was full of him, and I feared I would never be the same without him. His hand over mine trickled down to my clit with expert precision as he used my slick to rub circles.

“You have another one for me, I feel it,” he rasped. “I’m close too, jagiya.”

My heart skipped a beat at the strangely sweet pet name as he ravaged me.

“You’ve done so well letting me take you in so many ways. You’ve been so good for me,” he continued. “Let me feel you soak me again, push me over, baby.”

His words were a command over my body. I screamed as I felt myself fully crumble beneath him as my vision went fuzzy and my legs convulsed around him. My entire body felt simultaneously freezing cold and scalding hot as my orgasm tore through me. My legs desperately wanted to close, to stifle this intensity that ate me up. But he would not allow it. Yunho’s pace only increased, using me to chase his own desire. I heard a pop of his lips as he licked the slick off of his fingers before gripping my hips once more, his long fingers wrapped around the bend of my body. My body was exhausted, bruised, spent. And yet, I couldn’t ignore his beauty as my vision refocused. His hair flopped around but always landed perfectly as he thrusted, his eyes scrunched shut in pleasure, his mouth slightly open where he began to pant harder.

Then I felt it. His hot seed released deep within me as his hips shook against my ass, his thrusts slowing. His head hit the back of my shoulder as he panted, unmoving as his breathing began to stabilize. Instinctually, I turned to him, kissing his forehead gently where I could reach him. His arms wrapped around my chest and shoulders in a back hug as he held me to him. A comfortable silence filled the room as he remained deep inside of me. His voice rumbled beside my ear, “Are you okay?”

Laughing, I replied, “I think my body is absolutely exhausted, but I’m great.”

He laughed with me, placing a fiery kiss on my shoulder, “You’re beautiful. I’m honored you trusted me tonight and gave me such a gift.”

Slowly, he pulled out of me. I ached everywhere, but especially there. I winced slightly and he noticed, “Sorry, jagiya. Let me help you.”

Rising to his feet, he swept me off the bed and princess-style carried me to the restroom. There he took his time wetting a rag with warm water and holding it to my sore, throbbing core. He knelt before me, his eyes looking lovingly in mine. Their familiar deep brown hue had returned.

A single thought rang through my head as I finally felt myself relax and think rationally once more: was this really Yunho? Or did it just look like Yunho?

My skin erupted in goosebumps as his voice entered my mind, low and bassy, “Would you believe me either way?”

…

I shot up, the sun shining through my windows blinding me temporarily. I grabbed my phone in a panic, looking for the time. My suspicion confirmed: I was late for work.

As I jumped out of bed, grabbing my clothes and heading to the bathroom, I couldn’t help but loop my dream from last night. I had never lucid-dreamed before, but it felt so real. Every word, every thought, every touch. Whipping my shirt off, I realized something odd. I distinctly remembered wearing my old camp work shirt last night to bed, but now, I held an ATEEZ band tee. Despite my need to rush, I was frozen. A chill spread over my body as I looked into the mirror.

Dark, oddly healed looking burn marks in the shape of lips littered over my body, leaving a clear trail from my neck to my waist. I ran my finger over some of them, feeling the scar tissue. No pain. Without full awareness, my feet carried me back to my bedroom, looking at the spot the figure usually stood. One thought looped in my head over and over, my breath shaking as I came to terms with what this meant.

Come back to me.

[winsmoke]

10/10 smut. Truly. Had to re-read a few times to get my thoughts together.

A perfect balance of the elements: Some monster fucking. Some mental illness in there. Some mystery and nonfiction aspects.

I was slightly scared and turned on. Never really knowing where the story would go. Love the burn marks. Love the dubious ending, was on the edge of my seat and deeply disappointed when it ended.

What made you write this story/what were your intentions and thought process while writing? I really liked how you mixed insomnia into the story. I kept thinking maybe Yunho would drag the y/n into a middle space between sleep and consciousness. Or that the y/n's insomnia was somehow linked to Yunho being aware of her. I thought it was strange how in the end, you never clarify that the y/n has fallen asleep. I thought she was gonna get the best sleep of her damn life. I absolutely refuse to believe it was all a dream. Also, why did you choose this title?

Anyways, I loved Yunho's dialogue, the creepy build up to the smut, and the smut itself was so delicious. Will be revisiting. Loveeeeeee

[winsmoke]

Okay, but... is NCT cooked? Now, of course, it seems clear that within 20 something men/boys, there was going to be a few assholes. But NCT hasn't had assholes, they've had a rapist and enablers/profiteers of genocide.

I don't buy into the concept of, "it's only a few bad apples." Someone else had to have known. Not just the members but staff at SM as well.

I acknowledge that Kpop in general is a cooked genre. It's so funny having Korean girlfriends who are always like, "Korean men are trash" (I acknowledge that many members are not Korean). Yeah, most men are. But unfortunately, we're in a society that tolerates trash men. If the same scandals happened to a big girl group, say old Loona or TripleS, they would be gone.

I deleted most of my NCT music because I couldn't listen anymore in good conscience. Regardless, I will probably always love NCT. But I rarely am able to separate the art fom the harmful actions of the artists.

I don't know how to end this. I'm simply disappointed.

[ninety-nite-99]

ok i'm gonna speak on yangyang bc i have a blog full of posts about him and so it feels correct to write a very long political tangent that might get me cancelled by some, but i thought about it and decided i'd post anyway bc this is just my honest perspective. below the cut ↓

first let me get this out of the way: you will never catch me coming to the defense of a corporation not once in my life. i think they are all inherently evil and capitalism is nothing but a plague that binds us together in commiseration one day, and tears us apart in pursuit of an unreachable light at the end of the tunnel the next. the fact that there are people who possess such lust for power that they are willing to enable mass violence is baffling to me. the monetization of war and genocide is sick. so, yes — fuck adlink for selling tech to the IDF, and for selling to the US military, and any other country known to aid israel's defense.

as for yangyang's involvement with adlink, this is the extent as far as any presumably credible source can provide: on his 18th birthday a small amount of shares were gifted to him — not purchased by him, but gifted — by his parents. there is no way to confirm he still holds those shares because that information isn't public. regardless, it's a fact that his financial privilege is in part due to adlink's sales with israel.

i'm not going to argue with anyone who feels negatively towards him, doesn't want to interact/talk about him, or doesn't want to be a fan at all knowing that information. i can empathize with that reaction. there are also a lot of people pressing and waiting for him to speak up or take an action, and i can't help but feel it's unfair to expect him — a taiwanese person in south korean entertainment promoting in mainland china — to publicly acknowledge something that is so politically charged, and not at all specific to himself, his family, or adlink. the implications of taking a stance would be much broader and open for harmful interpretation considering the ccp is staunchly pro-palestine, anti-westernization, and taiwan is anti-ccp, pro-whoever in the west can offer a sense of security. so things aren't so black and white as pro-palestine = good when the government determined to demolish and absorb the neighboring democracy is the pro-palestine one.

worth noting, the ccp has spent the last 60 years leveraging taiwan's value and necessity against other foreign bodies to the advantage of their unification agenda, isolating taiwan from the international community, and punishing taiwan into cooperation and mutual dependency with the mainland. it is literally impossible for them to establish formal diplomatic relations with any significant ally; their alternative is catering to the wants of the US & Israel, and what US & Israel want is tech and defense, so corporations like adlink will be contracted to deliver. all this to say, i don't see how there is anything meaningful yangyang can say or do to appease fans regarding adlink or his parent's actions that doesn't place him on one side or the other of cross-strait discourse, and/or without implying disapproval towards the taiwanese tech industry as a whole, which is the backbone of their economy and entire basis for which their sovereignty relies on. i'm not saying this makes anyone immune to criticism, but that holding a taiwanese person to the same standard of political transparency online that we are at the liberty of exercising in the west is unrealistic at best, and at it's worst (as i've seen on other sms) becomes insensitive, aimless harassment, or just borderline cruel.

yangyang's silence on the matter does not automatically equate to zionism, or apathy, or ignorance, or lack of self-awareness, and it is beyond me why some people are so eager to pin these words onto someone who is doing their obligation by not saying anything. taiwan's freedom of speech only goes so far in either direction.

like what do you want from him? your watermelon emoji of vindication? will that make everything better? GOD i am trying not to crash out here but there is something so grim about hounding someone to speak out about politics who's previously had to post "one china" message to avoid getting blacklisted and shunned to the public of mainlaind china while the ccp threatens imminent seizure of his own state.

idk guys. when there's a collaboration to boycott like McD's or Starbucks, at least there's a concrete action we can theoretically take as consumers and not purchase whatever we're being solicited for, and there's reasonable hope that SM gives a shit next time to keep their idols out of unethical marketing. not like it seems to happen that way, but there's clear logic involved to think that it could.

but in this situation, there is nothing effectual or feasible to boycott. nothing was marketed to us, we just received a piece of upsetting information and get to judge yangyang's morals at our own discretion. i personally don't see how, out of all the shit we could talk about adlink and its partners and business ventures, the fact that the CEO gives his son money became the point of contention. that is very low on their list of corporate crimes to me, and tbh it feels a little reductive to the actual bigger problem, but again, i get how it can be uncomfortable. i'm not trying to be disrespectful. yangyang will still be very present on my blog but i am not going to make jokes or commentary about his wealth anymore bc that's tasteless.

yeah so anyway i realize i look insane for typing all this and i lost my decorum at the end but i think there's some substance here. what do i know i'm literally just a loser fan.

free palestine, here's a donation link to BDS, and the receipt for $50 i just gave as penance

Support us - Make a donation

[cigsaftersuh]

disappointed and disgusted doesn’t even begin to describe how i’m feeling rn, not just with the liu family but also myself for blindly giving my support to their son while they have been actively involved in the genocide of palestinian people.

i am a nctzen, i am a yanqi, but above all i am loyal to my morals and that will never change, especially not over kpop. so until he can prove that he is not like his father who presumably supports the ongoing genocide, i do not feel comfortable associating myself with him in any capacity.

obviously, we can’t choose who/what we are born into, and the actions of one’s family doesn’t always reflect their beliefs; it would be extremely unfair to be held accountable for the actions of others, but being a shareholder and directly benefiting from the blood money of your father’s genocidial company is very hard to ignore.

i don’t personally know yangyang, and neither do you. we don’t know if he shares the same beliefs as his father, he could or he couldn’t but we are in no position to make any judgment on where his beliefs lie. he himself needs to make that very clear and continue to prove it beyond just words.

come to any conclusion you feel suitable, but please set your intentions straight before just jumping on any excuse to ‘hate on’ yangyang himself — we should be holding his father accountable, but as a shareholder himself, also him.

from the river to the sea, palestine will be free!

[johnnysuhbmarine]

Out of Time

Pairing: Chenle x reader Description: You'd be lying if you said feelings weren't caught within the thirteen years of friendship you had with Chenle, but even when you both wanted to be more, you agreed to shut any idea of it down - his future marriage was already arranged as part of a business deal, there was no point setting your hearts up for breaking. So, why is he on your doorstep begging for a chance just three months before he has to go back to China?  Content warnings: Arranged marriage au but not with each other; rich kid Chenle; swearing; they have sex, and while no actual smut is written, it’s not exactly glossed over, either; fluff; angst; there is no happy ending to this part but I promise another part is coming Word count: 16,362 A/n: If you knew how long I’ve been working on this idea, you wouldn’t believe me…but now that this first part is out I’m actually really happy with how it’s come together. The second part should be out in no more than a few weeks (hopefully). Let me know if you want to be on a taglist for it. Posting this today to celebrate @fullsunstrawberry's last day of class for the semester!!…though this ends in angst so it’s not the best gift I’ve ever come up with 🫠 Anyways, please enjoy, though who am I to tell you what to do…as always, feedback would be greatly appreciated. Take care of yourselves, I love you

Your childhood went by too fast. Though, you assume that’s the only way it could feel when it’s the sole marker of the time you were able to have with Chenle. The two of you grew up together, but through conversations you felt you were too young to be involved in, you both knew that you wouldn’t be able to continue with said friendship in adulthood. The thing about Chenle was, he’s lived with his aunt, right across the street from your parents, in a small Korean suburb since he was five years old. However, where he spent the first four years of his life, and where he would eventually be summoned back to, was with his parents in Shanghai. 

There was nothing wrong about his parents. In fact, for most of childhood, Chenle only had positive things to say about them, a wide smile adorning his face whenever he thought of seeing them again. The entire reason he was living with his aunt was because his parents wanted him to experience a normal childhood, so really, they had his best interest at heart. That being said, they did not care about whether or not Chenle would have a normal adulthood. Instead, they were waiting for him to fall in line, learn how to eventually take over their multimillion dollar company, and with that, play his part…and accept the fact that his future marriage, to the daughter of one of their business partners, has been arranged for him since the moment he was born. Finding this out, Chenle no longer had loads of nice things to say about his parents. He lived with a constant resentment towards them since the start of high school, but you were always his one beacon of comfort, where the weight of his future could fall off his shoulders and he could just be a kid again for a little while longer. 

It was the summer before freshman year of high school when your parents and his aunt sat the two of you down at the dinner table and explained how Chenle’s future was going to pan out. You were just fourteen years old, having Chenle suddenly upset and arguing about who he’d be marrying felt so wrong, the problem seemingly so far away. You were kids, but because of that moment, you both grew up too quickly - Chenle by force, and you because you refused to let him go through it alone. The real world, outside of school and pickup basketball games in someone’s driveway, now weighed heavily on the two of you, and the only thing you could promise was that you’d navigate as much of it as you could together. 

The one thing his parents agreed to compromise on was that, rather than having Chenle fly back immediately after high school graduation, he could stick through that last summer with you, and eventually head back to China when you left for university. That’s the exact period of time that the two of you were in now - almost a full three months where the plans that have been talked about for years were now facing you head on. Stupidly, you try to forget about it, pretend it was just some normal summer, like your best friend wasn’t being ripped away from you at the end of it. You were setting yourself up to be blindsided by the inevitable passage of time, but it was all you could think to do if you wanted to hold onto any chance at smiling this summer.

It was the day right after graduation when Chenle hopped across the street and rang your doorbell. It was the middle of the day, your parents still at work, so you had to be the one to slide off the couch and check who was at the door. Normally, Chenle would text you before he came over, and you would have the door already unlocked for his arrival so that he could just barge in and join you on the couch…or immediately grab your wrist, drag you through the kitchen for two glasses of lemonade, and then out the back door for another basketball match. The last thing you expected him to do was ring the doorbell out of nowhere, but more confusingly, when you open the front door to face him, he’s pacing back and forth. His mind seemed to be going a hundred miles a minute, and you don’t think you’ve ever seen him look this distraught before. 

“Chenle?” You prompt, tilting your head at him still making circles in your front walkway. He snaps his head up and stops moving, seeming not to have heard you actually open the door yet and instead leaving him to get surprised by your voice. As he takes in your bewildered state, he does his best to calm himself, correctly assuming he was the reason for it. 

Now, his body faces you full-on, but he still can’t meet your eyes, instead looking towards the ground and sucking on his bottom lip as he figures out what he wants to say. Eventually, he gives up, shaking his head and bringing his gaze up to you with an agitated sigh. “Any way I put this, I come off as an asshole, so please forgive me,” he finally says all at once.

You furrow your brows at him in confusion, your return question bearing a much lighter tone than his own. “What’s up, Chenle?”

He darts his gaze off to the side, biting on his bottom lip again. Though, this contemplation period hardly lasted a second before he’s dropping his head and spitting out his words through one rushed exhale. “Can I be selfish for one summer? Before you go to college? Before I move back to my parents' house? I know we both agreed to be smart enough not to get involved…but before I have to be someone else’s, I want to be yours - even if it’s just for one summer.” 

To say you were thrown off was an understatement, but not necessarily because of his confession. It was no secret the two of you developed feelings for each other. Your parents knew it, his aunt knew it, you knew it, he knew it - there was no use in pretending said feelings didn’t exist. However, being sixteen with those feelings and knowing what you had since you were fourteen made the situation less than average. 

You and Chenle decided the best thing you could do was flesh everything out. So, one random day of sophomore year, you did. An entire evening kicking yourselves for catching feelings, laughing at the fact that it seemed inevitable, and then deciding that the best course of action now was to try and forget about it. You were not the daughter of his wealthy parents’ wealthy business partner, and the two of you quickly learned that there was no changing his parents’ minds on the arranged marriage. There was no reason to try and pretend an outcome could exist where the two of you could work, where you wouldn’t get hurt. It was both, a pro and a con of being forced to grow up - dumb decisions that your childhood was waiting for you to make were never made, and it was so hard to tell which dumb decisions you actually missed out on. 

Chenle was right, the two of you agreed to be smart enough to not get involved, but a part of you was mad that you never took the chance to be a stupid high school kid. It seemed entirely out of left field for Chenle to address the situation again just three months before the beginning of the rest of your lives kicked in, but you’re glad he did.

“One summer for us to make some stupid decisions and break our own hearts?” You echo back, and any trace of hope on Chenle’s face fades away. That is, until you look back at him with a smirk, leaning against your doorframe casually. “Yeah, what the hell. Let’s do it,” you say, and when Chenle whips his head back up to face you in surprise, you can’t stop your smirk from turning into a full smile.

Chenle shakes his head quickly, as though to get rid of all the thoughts on how to respond to a refusal that never came, and instead an easy smile reaches his own face as he looks back at you. “Great! So, can I take you on a date?” 

He’s completely serious as he replies and this is where you’re most taken aback. “Oh, starting off with a date?” You only had three months to be together, and to be quite honest, you thought Chenle was going to skip past all the initial dates and dive right in, knowing that you wouldn’t have given it a second thought if he immediately had you pinned against a wall. You seemed to have greatly underestimated the character of your best friend though, because he shoots back with a sure nod, genuinity filling his next words.

“Well, yeah. I don’t want this to just be a physical thing. I want to be able to say that you were my first love. You were always meant to have that title. I want to remember you that way, not as some no-strings-attached summer fling.” 

You immediately drop your head to face the floor. Chenle must have grown up some more when you weren’t looking. All at once, you don’t know what happened to the loser you grew up with, who learned to shut off his feelings and fill all that space with basketball instead; but now, here he stood, making his intentions very clear in that he planned to spend the summer falling in love with you, and outside of the shock you’ve felt throughout this entire conversation, a new feeling erupts in your stomach - butterflies. 

You look back up at him, regardless of how embarrassingly red you could tell your cheeks were, and a smile reaches your face as soon as the two of you lock eyes. “A date it is,” you say with a nod before stepping back into your house some more and actually letting him inside for a bit. “I’ll have to actually get out of my pajamas,” you say with a laugh. “Any idea of where you want to go?”

Chenle bites on the inside of his cheek before shaking his head. “Well, you know I can take you out on a really fancy date, and if that’s what you want, we can do that. I mean, that’s sure as hell what you deserve…but I was thinking maybe we could just go out to our favorite ice cream shop and then play some basketball.”

Your cheeks puff out in a smile. “So, you wanna hang out?” You tease, and Chenle is quick to shake his head.

“No! I wanna go on a date with you! I know we get ice cream and play basketball a lot, but now I want to do so while also knowing I can go up and kiss you whenever I want.”

You raise an eyebrow playfully. “Oh, now we’re kissing on the first date?” 

Chenle just stares at you in disinterest. “Three months, y/n. That’s all I get. I’m not exactly looking to take things super slow. Besides,” he continues, throwing a sly smirk your way as his own brows raise. “You’re the one who’s been wanting to kiss me for the past two years.”

Your mouth drops into a gape as you swat at him, only succeeding in making him laugh like a dolphin, and while you made fun of his laugh whenever you could, it was also your favorite thing in the world. A certain warmth fills your chest at the sound of it as you simply shake your head. “Whatever. You’ve been wanting to kiss me for the past two years as well. Don’t even pretend otherwise.” He’s still getting over his laughing fit as you finish your sentence, leaving you to just roll your eyes at him as you turn and walk upstairs to your room to change, the front door still hanging open for him to eventually follow you through.

When you come back downstairs after getting ready, Chenle looks you up and down with a smile. “I’ve always liked that skirt on you,” he says casually. You let out a light laugh.

“I know. You weren’t very secretive about it,” you reply playfully, causing a light dusting of pink to cover Chenle’s cheeks.

“Is dating you just going to be a nonstop period of you teasing me?” He finally asks in return. His words make you freeze, though. You only had three months but he was serious about it, serious about you, and you couldn’t help thinking about how great the hurt would be for both of you once it was over.

You shake out of it, you had to, and instead send a wink his way as you rush out the door without him. “I guess you’ll have to just wait and see,” you banter back, and Chenle rolls his eyes before following you out and doing your part in locking up behind him. 

While you were exchanging greetings with the worker on the other side of the ice cream parlor’s bar, Chenle was just continuously poking at your arm. “What?” You finally snap as you turn to him, though no one would ever be able to pick up even the slightest bit of irritation with his antics based off the smile on your face as you looked at him.

Chenle draws in a deep breath as a confidence booster before spitting out his words all at once. “I know we normally get our own milkshakes and finish them, but if you wanted to do that thing where we get one milkshake and put two straws in it, we could.” He was completely serious as he spoke, and you bite your lip to stop the wide smile from coming onto your face at his attempt to truly make this feel like a date. 

Instead of letting him know how cute he was, you resort back to messing with him. “Hmm…less ice cream for me, though,” you say, pretending to contemplate his offer.

“I can buy us another one after that!” He quickly responds, and you can see the typical energy begin to flow back through his body as he relaxes some more. “We can just keep ordering milkshakes to share! I mean, what’s a couple of $5 transactions on a black card?” He continues rambling but you break out into a laugh, immediately getting him to stop and stare at you in bewilderment because nothing he just said was a joke.

“Breaking out the black card for our first date?” You ask, looking over at Chenle as though you were something like impressed. He does not see what the big deal is.

“Of course, anything for you-” That’s where he breaks himself off, his head falling into his hands on the counter as he finally cracks. “God, I feel like a loser,” he groans, but a fond smile paints its way across your face in response.

“You’re not a loser,” you reply calmly, but Chenle shakes his head in his hands, his next words coming out covered in defeat.

“But my face is red and I’m saying stupid stuff.”

“It’s cute,” you reassure him gently, but he is quick to quip back.

“You’re cute.” The statement rolls off his tongue effortlessly and you jump back a little in your seat, eyes wide.

“Woah, lele. I didn’t know you could actually be sweet to me,” you say back, feigning astonishment. 

Chenle finally lifts his head up out of his hands to drag his troubled gaze over to you. “Do you see what I’m talking about? I’m a loser! I didn’t mean to say that,” he groans.

You just furrow your brows. “So, you don’t think I’m cute?” You ask playfully. Chenle squeezes his eyes shut, taking an extra long breath before peeking one eye open to look at you and practically whisper his response.

“Yes, I do.” 

An easy smile spreads across your face as you take in the fact that Chenle genuinely complimented you, though you were glad to see it pained him to admit it because that meant this was still your Chenle after all. You immediately turn your gaze back over to the worker, who pretended to be super invested in cleaning the counter as your conversation with Chenle drew out, and then you order just one milkshake with two straws. After, you move your gaze back over to your best friend.

“You can just be yourself, you know? I’ve liked you for years already, you don’t have to try and win me over now.”

Chenle sucks on his bottom lip, sighing. “I know but…you deserve to feel romanced and loved, and I want to do that, I just- it’s not my strong suit. My parents just bought me things and then shipped me overseas. A pretty weird love language if you ask me.” He ends with a small laugh, and you’re relieved to see the tension in his shoulders fall as he does. 

You shoot a fond smile his way in response. “I know, and that’s okay. Look, these three months for us to be together is just a change in the title of our relationship. There’s not much else that has to change. I won't hate you for struggling with how to express love. I know you like me, that’s enough.”

“Stop being so good at making me feel better,” he says with a weak grin. “I already feel like I’m not good enough for you.” 

You roll your eyes, placing one hand on top of his at the counter, getting him to meet your serious gaze. “Lele, you make me happy - that’s more than enough. Plus, you’re rich,” you add, and Chenle lets out his own laugh as he rips his hand away from under yours.

“Oh, whatever,” he replies with a scoff, but the atmosphere is instantly lighter as your laughter is only broken up by the milkshake being slid in between the two of you, immediately redirecting your attention to the shared directive of sucking that down as fast as you could. 

As Chenle got his card back after paying for all your rounds of milkshakes, he turned to you with a hopeful grin. “Do you wanna go back and play basketball in our street?” He asks, causing a similar smirk to spread across your own features.

“You know I do, but can you take it easy on me now that we’re dating?” You suggest playfully, though surprise was the last feeling that came to mind when Chenle’s eyebrows furrow in response.

“Absolutely not,” he replies quickly, causing you to sigh. “If anything, I gotta go harder on you now that we’re dating. I don’t date amateurs. You gotta keep up with me.” Your face falls into shock as you lightly hit the back of your hand against his forearm and the two of you break out into laughter again.

“Hey! Thirteen years of pickup basketball does not equate to me being an amateur. I’m a seasoned pro,” you try to say seriously. Chenle raises his eyebrows at you in a taunt.

“Yeah? We’ll see about that. What do you say, loser has to buy-” He cuts himself off from going over the terms of the bet as he turns his attention towards the countertop in disbelief. “I guess I just bought all our ice cream. What are we supposed to use as a bet now?” He speaks as though his hopes and dreams were ruined. You just shake your head fondly at him, sucking on your bottom lip to try and hold back a smile.

“Come on,” you say, moving to grab his hand in yours and pull him away from the counter. “We’ll figure something out. Let’s go before it gets dark.” 

Chenle shoots you a look as though you were crazy. “Y/n, it’s summer. We have like- at least five more hours before it gets dark.” 

You stop in your tracks, turning back to him with a smirk. “Well, my bad. I just wanted to spend as much time with my boyfriend as possible,” you reply, and Chenle ducks his head as blush covers his face. Though, with one gentle squeeze of your hand, he’s the one now pulling you out of the ice cream parlor and towards the car to go back home. 

As always, the two of you started off with a game of horse. It’s typically how you would decide who gets first possession, though you’ve stopped seeing a point to it because Chenle wins every time. At least, that’s how it normally goes. Today, standing in Chenle’s driveway, it was you who was crushing Chenle in horse. With you still at ‘h’ and Chenle just tacking on an ‘s,’ you let out a laugh. “I thought you weren’t taking it easy on me,” you taunt, and Chenle whips his head in your direction seriously. 

“I’m not!”

You raise your eyebrows at him as you move to take the ball from his hands and shoot your next shot. “Okay well then, whoever you are, can you go get Chenle back for me?” You ask, turning back to him after successfully making it. “I miss him. He’s your height, looks kinda like you, is good at basketball-” You tease, and Chenle cuts you off as he turns fire red, grabbing the basketball and readying himself to shoot from where you just did.

“I’m good at basketball!” He argues before taking his next shot…and missing. He turns around to meet your raised eyebrows and groans. “A game of horse doesn’t even matter! All it means is that you start off our actual game.” 

You shake your head at his antics as he picks up the basketball and passes it to you because somehow, you had first possession today. These ‘actual’ games were where you tended to perform better, but it was the same for Chenle of course, so you still typically only took one out of every twenty games from him. 

Though, it seemed Chenle’s poor performance in horse did nothing to actually warm him up, because his game performance was no better - possibly worse. You watched as the famed Lele Curry missed every shot he took, acting as though nothing happened every time he retrieved the ball for you. You wait until he misses an easy layup before finally shaking your head at him from the other side of the driveway. 

“Lele, come kiss me,” you say plainly, and Chenle immediately stops in his tracks as he turns towards you. 

“WHAT? Wh- wha- why?” He fumbles out through something of a shocked yell, getting you to just roll your eyes at him playfully. 

“Cause I have a feeling it’s gonna get you your basketball skills back,” you reply with raised eyebrows, greatly contrasting Chenle’s furrowed ones as he looks back at you in question.

“Huh?” He gets out, causing your shoulders to bounce up and down lightly with a small chuckle. 

You look up to face him fondly, the teasing lilt out of your tone. “Look, we’re dating now, we just talked about affection, it’s on your mind and messing with your game, so you should come kiss me and get it over with,” you state as though it were no big thing. It was a big thing to Chenle though, because he just learned you could read his mind. Of course he was thinking about kissing you, it was all he could think about - you were you, after all, and Chenle really really liked you. 

You watch as his adam’s apple bobs up and down with a hesitant swallow, but as he looks back up at you, the tension in his shoulders falls. He crosses the driveway to end up directly in front of you. Slowly, his right hand comes up to cup the side of your face, an action that you easily smile into, and Chenle takes a moment to run his thumb over your puffed out cheek as his nervous gaze runs over every inch of your face. “I don’t know how to kiss but- but I promise I’ll do it just right if you let me.”

“Chenle…”

“May I?” He asks quietly once his eyes finally fall to your lips.

You nod your head, caught off guard for a breathless moment at the recognition of this softer, shyer side of Chenle. You had kissed a few guys throughout high school, but you knew he hadn’t kissed anyone before. Once the two of you found out his marriage was arranged, he gave up completely on high school relationships or flings, and meanwhile you tried to kiss as many guys as possible in an attempt to get your mind off of it. None of them ever meant anything, but this one did, and Chenle knew it, too. He wanted to do everything right, but he didn’t even know what ‘right’ was, and any time he didn’t know what he was doing, he fell shyer, more hesitant, always so uncomfortable with unknowns that he tried to just slip away instead. He hardly let you see this side of him because he always wanted to present his best self; but he was soft with you now, because he cared enough about you to admit he was clueless - that the thought of kissing you made his head spin but it wasn’t even something he could truly picture. 

“You may,” you answer softly, and Chenle slowly leans into you. 

It started out as the lightest kiss in the world, a kind of gentleness almost uncharacteristic of your best friend if you didn’t know all his layers already. You can’t help the smile that spreads across your lips, but you refuse to break so quickly; so instead, you pin your focus on deepening the kiss - pressing back into him, establishing a healthy rhythm sucking on his bottom lip. Chenle’s hand that wasn’t cupping your face soon flies to your waist as he begins to match your pace. As he got more comfortable with the feeling of his lips against yours, he got more desperate for it. You figure standing in the driveway of his house is not where you should teach him how to use his tongue, so with one last soft kiss, you break away.

Your gaze instantly falls to the ground beneath your feet, a cheesy grin across your face that you try to cover up. “See, now you’ve kissed me. Nothing else is going to be as scary as that,” you say playfully. “Now you’re good. You can kiss me whenever you want. Alternatively, you never have to kiss me again if that’s what you want-” You immediately cut off your words as you finally bring your gaze up to make eye contact with Chenle, only to realize he’s staring at you with wide eyes, his mouth hanging slightly open. “What’s that look for?” You ask, suddenly worried you did something wrong.

Chenle shakes his head in an attempt to gather his thoughts, mouth opening and closing in hesitation as he looks you up and down. “Um, I like you…a lot. Like, a lot,” he says as though he were out of breath. The wide grin comes back to your face as you let out a fond laugh.

“Ha! That’s for another time,” you promise, instead bending down to pick the basketball up from the ground and place it in his hands. “Now turn around and shoot,” you continue, nodding your head towards the basket behind him. He does as asked, turning around and not even taking a moment to regain his footing before shooting and immediately making a nothing-but-net basket. You drop your face back to the pavement with a knowing nod. Then, you walk the one step back to meet him again and place a soft kiss on his cheek. “There’s my Chenle,” you claim softly, and watch as his ears turn a deep shade of red. 

Biting on his bottom lip, he shakes his head, unable to say anything in response. Instead, he moves to grab the basketball again, passing it to you since he just scored, and you know you’re about to get your ass kicked in pickup basketball. 

That was, in fact, exactly what happened. The only difference between this and the games that occurred before you started dating, is that now throughout the game, Chenle would sometimes turn around after making a basket and tell you a play that good deserved a kiss. You would roll your eyes every time but you always obliged - each soft, casual, ‘proud of you’ peck leaving Chenle with the biggest grin on his face.

Your pickup game finally ended when his aunt got back from work, forcing you both out of the driveway but more importantly, breaking the two of you apart from your quick kiss as you scramble into the grass. As she pulls into the garage and turns off the car, she steps out to meet you two still on the side of the driveway. “Well, something’s certainly changed in the time I’ve been at work, hasn’t it?” She says with a playful smirk. You and Chenle drop your heads in unison, but his aunt just lets out a warm laugh, nodding her head towards the door. “Come on, kids. I’ll make us dinner.” 

Matching smiles spread across your faces as you rush to follow her inside. As she started cooking, you and Chenle did whatever you could to help around the house where needed, but eventually you were told to just sit and rest a while as opposed to crowding the kitchen and making things more difficult. So, TV remote now in hand, you leaned into Chenle on the couch and he hooked both arms over you instantaneously.

Chenle’s arms around you, the smell of home-cooked dinner, and a basketball game on the TV, there was something so natural about it - as though Chenle’s arms have been around you your entire life, as though you’d have them around you, to come home to, for the rest of time. You knew the idea of it would never be true in the long run, but right now it was as real as it could get - and the second you could convince yourself to simply exist in the present, that fact was enough to make everything okay. You’re sure Chenle could feel it, because at the very same time that peace crashed over your body, Chenle squeezed you slightly tighter to him, placing a small kiss to the top of your head before resuming his task of acting super nonchalant about having you in his arms. 

The two of you explained everything to his aunt over dinner, and any disheartening thought she may have had about the situation, she kept to herself. You all had collectively gone through that song and dance all those years prior when the news of Chenle’s arranged marriage first broke. She knew you didn’t need to hear that speech again. Instead, she smiled warmly, claiming that if any two people deserved to be happy together, even for just a little while, it was you guys. 

You excused yourself after dinner, figuring it was probably time for you to head home since you haven’t seen your parents all day. Chenle immediately stood from the table with you, gently lacing his fingers with yours and leading you to the door. “I’ll walk you home,” he says casually, but you just shake your head at him.

“Lele, I live right across the street. It doesn’t even take twenty seconds for me to get home,” you reply playfully. Chenle just squeezes your hand in his slightly tighter, and when he speaks again, it’s much more somber in tone.

“Three months, y/n. I’ll take a few more seconds anywhere I can get them,” he states quietly, and his words seem to have hollowed you out so that all you can do is nod your head. Chenle smiles at your acceptance before getting hit with another thought and immediately pausing. “Oh, wait!” He exclaims as you take the first step out his front door.

You turn back around to face him in question, watching as he runs through the house before coming back into view with a hoodie in his arms. “For you,” he says with a bright smile as he holds out the hoodie for you to take. You just raise your brows at him with a smirk.

“Chenle, it’s summer. What am I gonna need a hoodie for?” You ask playfully in return, though your traces of banter didn’t reach Chenle, and instead every feature on his face falls into a pout. You let out a fond laugh at the sight of it, moving towards him to take the hoodie from his arms with a light kiss on his cheek. You immediately slip it over your head, and the sheer comfort of it answered your question of what you were gonna do with a hoodie in the summer - wear it any chance you got. You look back at Chenle, who was stuck staring at you in his hoodie as though you were a goddess. You just pray your face doesn’t show too flustered in the moonlight and grab his hand to actually start on the walk across the street.

As you get to your front door, Chenle tightens his grip on your hand to pull you back some more, now just standing idly on your front porch. You study his figure curiously, watching as he tosses around thoughts in his head so loud you could almost hear them. His gaze eventually falls to the ground but he finally finds his voice.

“I don’t think I’m gonna be great at ever telling you how I feel. It’s hard for me to articulate anything even closely related to feelings. There’s so much in my head but I don’t know how to tell you everything…how much you mean to me. But if today taught me anything, I’m much more comfortable with showing you how I feel. That doesn’t seem as foreign to me for some reason. I can show you how I feel - I want to. I hope it gets across, though. I hope you know every time we kiss…” He drags off, and his eyebrows immediately furrow in irritation that this was just another example of him struggling to put his feelings into words.

You give a fond shake of your head as you stare back at him. “Chenle,” you let out softly, rubbing your thumb against the back of his hand, still intertwined with yours. 

He finally looks back up at you with resolve. “What I’m trying to say is that if one day, you get fed up with all my emotions being expressed physically rather than verbally, I can stop. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I don’t have to kiss you all the time. I can try- I can try to…I can-” This time, he’s cut off by your lips on his, and he melts right into the kiss.

When you finally pull back, you place a hand on his cheek, nodding your head lightly. “It gets across, lele. Everything you’re feeling, it gets across. It’s never gonna be too much; we have a lot of time to make up for, I know. So, whenever you want to kiss me, I want to kiss you.”

In return, Chenle gives the most bashful smile you’ve ever seen. He moves a hand up to guide your own back down from his cheek before studying the way your two hands fit with each other so naturally. All hands were meant to be interlaced with another, he thought, but his were specifically made for yours. You look at his soft features with a grin, squeezing his hand gently in yours and getting him to train his eyes back on you in a rush. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says surely, causing you to laugh some before nodding your head. 

“See you tomorrow,” you softly return as he takes the first few steps back towards his house. You stand and watch until he finally reaches his own front door; turning back around to see you still outside, he gives an exaggerated wave in your direction, and you didn’t need to see the huge smile on his face to know it was there. You move your hand up slightly to wave back to him, hoping the yellow street light wasn’t enough to illuminate the clarity that had immediately washed over you as you clocked that you only had three months left of his exaggerated waves and huge smiles - the butterflies that had occupied your stomach all day were no match for the void that made its presence known now. A heavy breath escapes you as he finally turns the knob and enters his house, leaving you with nothing left to do but the same.

As soon as you opened the door, the change in atmosphere was striking. The warmth of your parents’ laughter filled the kitchen as they were cleaning up from their own dinner, your dog entirely too wound up as he jumped around waiting for teased scraps from your father’s plate. The pit in your stomach didn’t go away, but instead became more pronounced as another strange feeling added to it. Your parents had much longer than three months to be together; you wondered if they could fathom it - if they could ever wrap their heads around the amount of love shared between the two of them throughout all these years. You wondered if you would ever be able to wrap your head around the idea of loving someone that many years, knowing it wouldn’t be Chenle on the receiving end of it. You hated remembering why the two of you originally promised not to get involved with each other - you hated that those reasons made more sense than ever.

You didn’t realize the door practically slammed shut behind you until the rest of the house fell quiet in response. Your mom makes eye contact with you in the front entryway before smiling brightly and returning to the dishes. “Hey, sweetie! Were you over at Chenle’s?”

Her question is coated with a smile and all you can do is start rambling to try and fight off the nauseous feeling that arose in response. “Guys, I made a really stupid decision and I know it’s stupid so I don’t need you to tell me again and I really don’t need you to be pessimistic about it because it won’t help.” You speed through your words in an instant and the look on your parents’ faces completely flip as they drop what they’re doing to go meet you still by the front door.

“Y/n, what happened?” Your dad asks in a panic, and you figure the vagueness of your statement meant they were currently assuming a lot worse than it was. You shake your head, but it doesn’t do much to dismiss their worry until you follow it up with words.

“Chenle asked me to be his girlfriend,” you spit out, and the tension in their shoulders drops at once.

“And you said ‘yes,’” your mom softly finishes in your place. You shoot your gaze up to her, bringing their notice to the tears in your eyes as you respond weakly.

“I couldn’t say ‘no.’”

Your mom lets out a fond sigh, nodding her head as she throws an understanding smile in your direction. “I know,” she replies, coming up to wrap you in a hug where you finally let yourself bawl your eyes out.

“We only have three months to be together but- but we wanted to be together,” you explain as firmly as you could through tears. “And we should’ve just pressed on these three months like we have our whole lives, I know it’s stupid-”

“Y/n, it’s not stupid,” your mom cuts in seriously. You lean slightly out of the hug to make shaky eye contact with her, then darting your gaze off to meet the encouraging look your dad bore and only getting more confused. You pull back from the hug entirely, now doing your best to collect yourself again so you could have a real conversation.  

“I’m gonna be really hurt three months from now, and it’s not Chenle’s fault, it’s mine-” You could only be mad at yourself for so long before your mom cuts you off again. 

“It’s not your fault. Sometimes, what makes a decision seem stupid is that there’s no one to blame for its consequences. It’s not gonna be your fault, nor Chenle’s…and it’s weird when you don’t have someone to blame.” Your mom was always the voice of reason, but you figure this time she was taking the same approach that Chenle’s aunt did. The inevitability of you and Chenle was the least of her worries. Her main goal was to keep you from jumping off the ledge before you could even enjoy it. 

“I think Chenle blames his parents,” you rebuttal thoughtfully, and your dad just lets out a laugh before he responds more sincerely.

“Yes, but I think he hates his parents enough for the all of us, so we shouldn’t add to it.” Chenle’s disdain for his parents was more than evident, and your own parents never had the nicest things to say about them either - even though they kept their thoughts to themselves, you knew it. There wasn’t a single person in the suburb who understood where Chenle’s parents were coming from; with the quality of life being so starkly different, you figure no one ever would. The sucky thing was, you knew Chenle’s parents were thinking the same thing about you all, and it’s why everyone but Chenle has kept their opinion to themselves - it wasn’t worth it to do otherwise, an understanding could never be made between two different worlds. 

You take in his words with a flash of your eyebrows but eventually let out a heavy sigh. “...he shouldn’t hate his parents,” you admit solemnly, thinking of your own family and wondering how heartbreaking it would be for both sides if you viewed them the way Chenle views his.

Your father ducks his head, his thoughts running parallel to yours. “No, but that’s not for us to worry about. I’m just glad you don’t hate yours,” he says with a smile, and you finally move your gaze back up towards your parents, three pairs of uncertain eyes exchanging thousands of emotions between them.

“Is everything gonna be okay?” You finally ask, your voice much weaker than you would have liked. Your mom shakes her head in mystery, a thin-lipped smile giving its best attempt at comfort.

“I don’t know, but was today okay?” She asks in return.

“Yes,” you answer immediately, but then your face turns more contemplative and you shake your head. “No- it was so much better than ‘okay’ you wouldn’t even understand.” Your words come out coated in fondness. You figured it was the first step towards realizing how bittersweet these next three months with Chenle were going to be, how nostalgic you would soon feel for memories you were in the middle of making. 

Your mom’s smile widens at your words as she moves to brush over your cheek with her hand, ensuring the two of you make eye contact as she gives the only advice she thinks she can at this point. “Then let’s try not to worry about if everything’s gonna be okay in the future, and focus on the fact that everything is so much better than okay right now,” she says softly, leaving you nodding your head against her hold. It eventually falls into a tight hug before you get embarrassed and excuse yourself to make your way to your room for the night. 

It was a few hours later when your parents walked in to say goodnight. Your dad went first and then waited at the doorway as your mom took her moment to kiss the top of your head and bid you goodnight. Before she could take a full step away, though, you caught her hand in yours. Her face whipped back around to meet your soft, wavering gaze. “He kissed me today.” Your tone made it sound as though you had a million thoughts in your mind, but it was clear not even one would manifest itself into more words right away. Your parents both give a warm grin, and as your dad leaves from your doorframe to let the two of you have a moment, your mom joins you sitting on top of your bed.

“Yeah?” She encourages softly. All you can do is nod before frustration reaches the surface and you end up shaking your head decidedly.

“Mom, I don’t want to kiss another guy ever again,” you say, looking up to make sincere eye contact with her. “I want it to always be Chenle,” you continue firmly, and your mom just lets out a defeated sigh.

“For three months, it will be,” she says with a weak smile, trying her best to bring any sense of hope to the situation. 

You pull your bottom lip in between your teeth, both coming to terms with the situation and not being able to believe it all at once. “And that has to be enough. How do I make that be enough?” You ask helplessly, the sight of you torn up like this chipping away at your mom’s heart.

“I don’t know, but you’ll figure it out,” she replies, and you figure that’s all anyone would be able to say to that. These are your circumstances, and regardless of if it feels unfair, all you can do is the best you can do; spending these three months trying to resolve a grief that hasn’t even hit you yet was definitely not your best course of action. With the smallest of laughs that still comes across as jarring in the fragile moment, your mom speaks up again. “I would say you could kiss him like every time will be the last, but I can’t have you sucking his face off…his parents would not be thrilled about that,” she teases, and you’re finally able to crack a smile as well.

With one last kiss to the top of your head, your mom gets up and heads towards your door again. “Remember,” she says, turning back over her shoulder to look at you. “Today was really really good. Tomorrow will be, too; and the day after that…and the day after that. So, no stress for at least the next three days, okay?” 

Your smile widens on your lips at the silly promise, but it did its job in removing what felt like the entire weight of the world from your shoulders. “Okay.” Then, with one last smile, your mom was out the door.

The next week was spent with you and Chenle not seeing more than an hour of separation from each other unless you were sleeping. Though you couldn’t say this for anyone else you hang out with, you never got tired of Chenle, never oversaturated from his energy; so, spending all this time together was hardly a task - it was just how you were meant to be. You think Chenle held the secret to it all along, the reason you never got tired of each other - though you doubted he was even aware of it, every time he looked your way, it seemed to be with a fresh set of eyes, like it was the first time he’d ever laid eyes on you. You could see it in the glaze of softness that took over his stare for a millisecond. How could you ever tire of each other when every glance gave the illusion of no time having passed at all. The only problem you could anticipate is how shocking it would be when these three months were up, if each passing day still consisted of the butterflies from the first.

It was at the end of this first week when your mom lingered in your room while saying goodnight to you again. You eyed her curiously as she sat down on your bed rather than the typical lean-over to kiss the top of your head. She gives a small laugh as she meets your gaze, then starts her words with a light sigh.

“Y/n, your dad and I have been talking,” she begins, and the color drains from your face.

“Uh oh,” you reply, unsure of whatever it is they came up with but knowing it typically never boded well for you.

At this, she laughs again, shaking her head with a grin. “No, it’s nothing bad. It’s just-” she breaks off, looking as though she couldn’t believe what she was about to say, and once you heard her words, you understood the look on her face completely. “We know how this is gonna go. You guys are eighteen year olds who like each other a lot, the situation only made more dire because there’s a strict end date. We figure you’re gonna want each other as your first time, right? So, just please be safe about it, okay?” She moves to make eye contact with you again, seemingly proud with how she articulated everything, meaning she’s completely surprised to see your jaw dropped.

“Wait, what?!” The volume of your voice jars even you, but you could not believe her words. “Are you telling me you and dad came to the decision that Chenle and I could have sex?! Me?” You question, pointing up at yourself as though your mom didn’t know who she was addressing. “Your daughter? Permission to have sex with Chenle?” At your crazed tone, your mom just lets out another small laugh and a shrug, morphing the atmosphere into something much more chill than you could imagine.

“I mean, you’re eighteen,” she replies nonchalantly, only getting you to gawk at her some more.

“I’m like- still a kid to you guys!” You shoot back, remembering how many times the idea of that played into their many rules for you - curfew during high school is 10:00 but hey, that first summer once you’ve graduated, go crazy, it seems!

Your mom tosses the concept of you being a kid around in her head before returning her gaze to you with a slight smirk teasing at her features. “Eh, I lost mine at, uh- well...younger than you, so eighteen’s honestly looking pretty good.”

“What?!” You exclaim again, this piece of lore about your mom baffling you more than anything else you’ve heard tonight.

You watch as she winces, reliving the truth of what she just said, but her eyebrows eventually raise as she turns to you with a cheeky grin to contrast her serious gaze. “Yeah, don’t tell your father about that one. I’m pretty sure he thinks I lost it at nineteen…” She drags off, and you let out your first laugh of the night.

“I can’t believe this,” you say, and your mom’s smile meets your own as she shakes her head and continues with her actual point.

“Look, some people see being eighteen and an ‘adult’ as a reason to never need their parents’ permission for anything ever again. So, I’m glad that you still want our approval for certain things but, here it is. Just be safe and we’re good,” she says casually, and you just drop your head with a laugh of disbelief.

“Okay-” you begin with a nod, but your words are cut off as your mom seems to light up with another thought.

“Oh! Just please do all that when we aren’t home. Your father and I do not need to-” She cuts herself off abruptly but continues to open and close her mouth as if searching for words to describe exactly what her and your dad don’t need to be around to hear, but you just nod your head with another laugh.

“Okay, okay, I got it. Don’t worry,” you conclude, finally motioning for her to let it go and actually bid you goodnight. With a laugh, she relents, walking out of your room and leaving you completely bewildered…and with news to tell Chenle when you see him tomorrow.

However, when you did see Chenle the next day, the conversation with your mom was the last thing on your mind because your little romantic surprised you with a date to the zoo, saying that you had to go right away before it gets too hot and all the animals hide in the shade of their habitats.

The first hour of the zoo experience was completely normal - snow cones that turned your hands into a sticky mess, which Chenle refused to let you wash off right away because he kept sticking your hands together and pulling them apart again with the biggest smile on his face; and then walking around the entire place actually holding hands, splitting your conversation between genuine facts about the animals and trying to see who could get the other to believe the craziest lie they could come up with at the time.

It was when you were at the prairie dog habitat that things took a turn. You and Chenle were reading the fact sheet when you heard the little girl next to you ask her mom what was happening with the animals. You whip your head back up to see the prairie dogs in a compromising position and immediately hit Chenle on the shoulder to get him to whip his head up as well. The two of you try your best to hold in laughter as the parents with younger children rushed to find another animal habitat to keep their child entertained with. That was when memories of last night came flooding back to you and you turn to face Chenle in an instant.

“Oh, hey! You know my parents said they’re chill with us having sex,” you say quietly enough so that just Chenle could pick up on your words. Expecting a reaction similar to yours when first hearing the news, you were stunned to see that when Chenle turned his head over towards you, his face was completely flat aside from his raised brows.

“So, what are ya thinking? You wanna drop down right here and do it?” He asks neutrally, beginning to eye the floor before scrunching his nose and looking around for a better spot.

“Chenle!” You gawk, and all it takes is one look at your exasperated face before he finally falls into a bout of laughter.

“I’m kidding, princess. God, who do you take me for?” He jokes with a disappointed shake of his head. Though, as you calm down with your own dramatic eye roll, he slips his hand into yours again, bringing them up to kiss the back of yours before dragging you off towards another habitat. 

Hand-in-hand, the two of you walked around the rest of the zoo before heading out for a casual dinner. It wasn’t until Chenle was dropping you off at your front door that, in an effort to keep you in front of him a little longer, he remembered the topic he probably shouldn’t have just dismissed earlier in the day. “Oh, hey, before you go,” he starts, and you instantly remove your hand from the door knob to turn back around towards him. He makes serious eye contact with you as he continues. “About what you said at the zoo-” 

You raise your brows with a grin but he shakes his head as soon as he spots your smile. “Not the part about all elephants being recognized as ordained ministers,” he clarifies, and you can’t help the small laugh as you remember your attempts at animal facts today. “But about us,” he continues seriously. “If I want anyone to be my first, it’s you, but I don’t wanna rush into it just because we’ve been told we can. I mean- I just got used to being able to kiss you and hold your hand-”

“And call me princess,” you add with a smirk, not letting him get away with the new pet name that easily. Chenle drops his head bashfully.

“Yeah, and call you princess…” he echos, falling more thoughtful with each word. “And I wanna be able to relish that a bit more before- well.” He shakes his head, getting frustrated at how poorly he was able to articulate everything on his mind. “I wanna be able to be there,” he finally says with resolve, looking back up to make eye contact with you again before continuing. “Be present…and if I still can’t fathom the fact that I get to kiss you right now, I don’t want to try and wrap my head around even more,” he finally concludes with something of an embarrassed laugh to try and lighten the atmosphere that only he thought needed lightening. You just smile sweetly back at him. 

“I get it, lele. Hey, I wasn’t the one suggesting we drop to the floor and do it in front of the prairie dog habitat,” you remind him, causing him to face the ground again as he lets out an actual laugh at his own past actions. When you pick your words back up, it’s with sincerity. “If one of us isn’t ready, then nothing’s happening. I’m good to take it slow. We wanted to do this right, yeah?”

Chenle nods his head as he lets out a sigh of relief, as though he expected the two of you to not be on the same page for the first time in thirteen years. Though, when he looks back up at you, it’s with a firm smile. “Yeah.”

You shake your head at it all, your smile alone revealing how endearing you found him despite your best efforts to keep it hidden. You press up on your tip-toes and lightly kiss the top of his nose before moving down to catch his lips easily with yours. “Goodnight, Chenle,” you say once you finally pull back. Chenle’s face is as red as ever, and you knew he wasn’t kidding when he said he still can’t fathom the fact that he gets to kiss you.

“Goodnight, princess,” he replies in kind, getting your own face to flush as he turns to walk the few steps across the street to his house.

A few more dates and countless pickup basketball games later, and it was already the one month anniversary of the day Chenle paced around your front porch and begged you to forget about what’s happening in just two months now. Knowing Chenle, and how much he loved spending his parents’ money while he wasn’t under their rule, you were half expecting him to greet you today in a suit and take you out to the fanciest restaurant he could find. Instead, Chenle barged in through your front door that afternoon with something much less proper on his mind. “Y/n, it’s been a month,” he points out, and you turn your head to face him from where you sat on the couch.

“Yeah?” You acknowledged, waiting to see where he was going with this.

“I think we should have sex,” he states plainly, and you throw your head back with a laugh before you can even think about it.

“Just like that, huh?” You tease, looking over at him once again with a huge grin, not at all as serious about this proposal as he was.

He puts his hands out awkwardly, as if making sure you stayed put and would hear him out. “Look, I’ve been doing a lot of reading on the subject-” he begins, and you cut him off with another laugh of disbelief.

“Oh, I’m sure you have,” you joke, finally up on your feet and rounding the couch so you could stand face-to-face with him.

He shakes his head in the meantime, a look of annoyance on his face, all overwritten by a huge grin because it was you he was annoyed at. “Shut up,” he quipped with his own small laugh before continuing with as much seriousness as he could. “What I’m saying is, I think I could make it the best day of your life.”

Your eyebrows shoot up immediately, and it’s hard to keep the tease in your voice when the rest of your face betrays you with a huge smile. “Oh, yeah? Well, I’m sure with all your nerdy research, you’re practically a pro by now.” Chenle opens his mouth to bark out some confirmative response, or more likely beg you to stop with the teasing. Though, before he can do any of that, you just shake your head, grabbing his hand in yours and, with the knowledge that both of your parents were still at work for the next few hours, easily guiding him to your bedroom without a second thought. “Come on, big head.”

Chenle smiled brightly at the back of your head as he followed you up the stairs. “I’m so lucky,” he responds, the sarcasm not doing any good at covering up how much he genuinely meant that statement…if only Chenle knew how lucky he made you feel. 

Ever since then, it became clear that sex with you was going to consistently stay at the forefront of Chenle’s mind. He was absolutely obsessed with the opportunity to know you more than he already did after the first thirteen years of memorizing you as his best friend. Each curve of your body was something sacred for him, and he took every chance he could get to indulge in it some more. Two weeks after your first time, Chenle met you at your front door with the same gleam in his eyes as ever. 

“Hey, baby,” you say, leaning in to quickly kiss him before moving back so he could actually step inside your house. “What do you wanna do today?”

“Sex!” He immediately answers, his tone as though he were a kid asking for candy. You drop your head with a small laugh.

“Not today, lele,” you reply, and Chenle’s brows shoot up in question, though the playfulness is still coating his every move.

“Was my approach wrong? Let’s go from the top, I’ll make my words more sophisticated,” he jokes with a smirk.

You finally give a solemn shake of your head. “No, Chenle.”

His demeanor immediately shifts as he falls into concern. “Okay, what’s wrong?” He asks, placing his hand softly on your cheek so he can guide your eyes back to his own. You meet his worried eyes and immediately dart your gaze away again, laughing softly in embarrassment. 

“Nothing. I just started my period today,” you explain, and Chenle immediately lets out a sigh of relief as you watch understanding wash over his figure. You pick up at the end of his sigh and continue with your answer. “My cramps are always the worst on day one.”

Once sure you weren’t breaking up with him nor banning him from ever fucking you again, he easily slips back into his usual manner with you; in this case, instantly getting on your ass. “Why didn’t you tell me?! I would’ve brought over your favorite snacks and your microwavable stuffed animal you always keep at my place and-”

You cut him off, shaking your head with a small smile. “I don’t need all that, though. I just wanna be with you.”

Chenle renders completely still for a moment. For a man who seemed to struggle with words, yours always ended up hitting him right on. He moves to instead wrap you in a tight hug, a contrasting gentle kiss placed on the top of your head as he just held you there for a moment. He finally moves to instead kiss your cheek and pull back a bit. “Movie night, then?” He suggests lightly.

You flash a soft grin in his direction, eyebrows raising as you stare back at him. “Will you hold me the whole time?” You ask seriously in return. Chenle rolls his lips inwards to hide his smile, though he can’t hide the light dusting of pink now covering his cheeks and tips of his ears. 

“Is that even a question?” His banter back is ruined by the sheer softness of it. Your grin widens as you grab his hand and lead him towards the couch in the living room. You lean into him easily and he doesn’t think twice before pulling you even closer, holding you even tighter, as your favorite movie begins playing in front of you. “We’re watching the Steph Curry documentary after this, just so you know,” Chenle suddenly speaks up, a faint laugh in his tone - a strange vocalic considering he was completely serious, but you realize it’s his attempt to be softer with you right now, figuring you had it bad enough with your cramps that you didn’t need his bluntness on top of it. 

“I’m pretty sure we can both quote the entire documentary by now,” you banter back with a disinterested groan. Chenle looks over at you by his side with a playful gleam in his eyes.

“Exactly! Which means we have to watch it one more time to really make sure.”

You roll your eyes at him but relent without another word; you still had an hour and a half of the first movie anyways. 

It was a little over two hours later when your parents got home from work to find the two of you seemingly in conversation, only to realize the movie in front of you had no sound and it was just you and Chenle switching back and forth quoting each line - neither of you cutting the other a break should there be a moment of hesitation…so half of the script was recounted in between laughs and over the other’s teasing. Needless to say, once the Curry documentary started, there had been significantly less cuddles than before, but your cramps, however painful they may have been, were the last thing on your mind. It was only when you sat down for dinner that reality came flooding back over you, suddenly making it hard to sit down again. Trying not to focus on the pain, you instead thought about how pain-free the past few hours have been. You hated that Chenle knew what would work so well…you hated that he wouldn’t always be here to make it work again. 

After dinner, your parents made their way out back to enjoy the firepit and calm night. You and Chenle found yourselves back on the couch, this time old cartoons you used to watch during childhood taking up space on the TV rather than movies. You cuddled into him easily, and he did his best to love on you enough to make the pain go away again.

When your parents finally came back inside, the TV was still running but you and Chenle were asleep against each other, his arms wrapped around you protectively as the two of you shifted so that you were laying down on top of his figure rather than just leaning against his shoulder. Your parents just let out light sighs, sad smiles covering their faces as your dad turned off the TV and your mom laid a blanket over the two of you before texting Chenle’s aunt and letting her know that Chenle wouldn’t be making his way back across the street tonight. They weren’t sure if they were feeding the beast by letting the two of you spend the night together, but it was too hard on their hearts to impose a future reality when you guys were so at home living in the present. 

The morning sun eventually made its way through the windows to disrupt the darkness of your unconscious state. Still refusing to open your eyes, you just turn your head so that you're facing away from the window. Though, that’s when a hand lightly trails through your hair to move it away from your face, and you realize you’re still against Chenle’s chest. At once, you blink awake, and when you move your gaze to look at Chenle, you can hear the snap of silence as his breath gets caught in his throat. He shakes out of it with a smile, once again running his fingers through your hair as he begins to speak softly. “God, I wanna wake up next to you for the rest of my life.”

Your face goes fire red and you immediately rush to bury it back in his chest. “Shut up,” you chide. “Why would you say something like that?”

“Because I need you to know that,” he responds in sincerity, kissing the top of your head since your face was still hidden. “I’ll always want it to be you.” His soft confession served to be one of the most reassuring and sweetest things you’ve ever heard, and you knew he meant it wholeheartedly. However, while warmth took over 98% of your body, there was the other 2% overcome with a certain uneasiness. With Chenle claiming that he would always want it to be you he wakes up next to, it was the first time you felt a sense of pity for the girl on the other end of this arranged marriage with Chenle, because while you could never be her, she would never be you.

You push the thought to the back of your mind, sure anyone around you would call you crazy for feeling pity for his future wife. Instead, you pick your head back up and press a light kiss to his lips, and just like that, 75% of the rest of summer nights and early mornings saw you and Chenle asleep against each other. 

All too soon, Chenle was accompanying your family as you moved into your college dorm. There was a week left before the first day of classes, and in between now and then, Chenle would have his fateful flight back to Shanghai. You had spent the past few nights crying yourself to sleep - well, if it wasn’t a night you and Chenle were spending together. All you wanted to do was be strong for him, your mind a constant loop of how sorry he looked as he asked to be selfish for the summer and indulge in his feelings. The last thing you wanted was for him to actually feel bad about it, to know how painful it truly was for you, when you knew he was going through the same thing himself. You didn’t need to add to the heavy weight on his shoulders imposed by almost every other figure in his life. So, you kept your tears to yourself. It wasn’t that hard anyways, being in Chenle’s presence meant a constant smile was on your face without ever having to think about it. 

Once all your things were put away and you could pass as ‘moved in,’ you stood opposite your parents in the doorway to your dorm as Chenle used the bathroom. With a few words and quite a bit more unspoken ones, your parents made themselves conscious of the time on their watch and then bid you goodbye for a bit. 

When Chenle came back out from the bathroom, he looked around for your parents, but his shoulders instantly fell once he failed to lay eyes on them. Instead, he turned to you in complete seriousness, pointing a thumb out to the side towards where your bed was as he looked at you with raised brows. “Can I be the first to fuck you on your dorm bed?” He asks plainly, and despite yourself, a loud laugh erupts from your chest.

“Chenle!” You chide, and the familiar big grin makes its way back across his lips.

“What? Isn’t that a thing?” He laughs off in question as though nothing were amiss. He quickly shakes his head, regaining his serious composure as he begins in his attempts at convincing you. “Regardless, I won’t get to experience it for myself so you should take pity on me. And I want this bed to be able to know me before any other college boy toy,” he states plainly, making you drop your head to hide the smile conjured up by his words.

“So glad you think that after you go back to China, I’ll resort to boy toys,” you shoot back monotonously. Chenle finally fumbles as he rushes to steer your mindset in a different direction.

“Okay, it came out wrong. That’s not what I meant,” he assures, but you stare back at him with raised, uninterested brows.

“Yes it was,” you reply immediately, but with the smallest peek of a smile from you, Chenle loses his tension again, ducking his head into his shoulders with a dumb laugh.

“I know.”

You shake your head at him to accompany the eye roll. “I hate you,” you say through a laugh, much to your dismay because you could not sell the bit to save your life. Chenle knew it, too, as he pops back up to look in your eyes with nothing but a tease behind his own. 

“So, that’s a no to fucking on your dorm bed?” He questions, making it seem as though that were your least desired possibility rather than his own. His mind games didn’t need to work, though, as you shake your head with a fond smile this time, taking a step towards him to kiss his lips softly.

“I already told my parents to explore the campus,” you admit, and Chenle’s kissed lips turn into a childish grin that he had to calm down from before he could even think about kissing you again. 

“Hmm…I think I like my bed better,” Chenle finally says, tossing your shirt back over to you as you both now sit up in your bed. You can’t help the laugh that escapes you at his words.

“Well, I would hope so,” you tease. “Yours is a King as opposed to this Twin.”

Chenle shakes his head, dismissing your banter as he responds with more contemplation than the situation called for. “No, I mean, the bigger bed is nice but I don’t think that’s it. I think this one is just a little too squeaky,” he concludes with resolve. All you can do is laugh, leaning over to place a fond kiss on his cheek.

“You had high standards for plastic-covered springs,” you joke as you pull back. Chenle looks over at you with raised brows.

“I have high standards in general. That’s why I like you,” he responds, and instead of letting yourself get embarrassed by how flustered that statement was about to make you, you nudge him in the side with a roll of your eyes. 

“Whatever. We both know I was too low maintenance for you to originally fathom,” you reply, and Chenle finally lets a huge smile break across his face.

“We were kids in a suburb and I came from money…there was a lot I couldn’t fathom,” he recounts seriously. You move your head to look over at him by your side, a soft smile on your lips as the playfulness behind your eyes begins fading to match it. 

“I’m glad you finally came around,” you start with sincerity. “The suburb will be sad to see you go.” 

Chenle lets out a heavy breath at your words, the weight of reality seeming to hit you both at the same time. He finally nods his head a little, not in agreement but something like contemplation. “Speaking of, I guess we should get back to it. Now that we moved you in, we have to move me out.” The words are bitter on his tongue. The two of you did an immensely good job at sticking to the present throughout this past summer, but now that the present involved the first steps of the dreaded future, it was hard to stay lighthearted. You did your best, though, responding with a faint laugh.

“Yeah, I’m sure my parents have just about exhausted every way they can keep themselves busy anyways,” you point out playfully, and Chenle finally seems to remember he’s still sitting shirtless in your bed. He looks over at you, realizing he’s the only one to have fallen behind on getting dressed again, and with a matching laugh, he begins to remedy that.

“I can’t believe how chill your parents are,” he replies with a bit of awe as he pulls his t-shirt over his body. 

You shake your head at him, pulling your bottom lip between your teeth in thought. “They’re not, they just like you.” Your reply is more serious again and Chenle swings his gaze your way with raised brows. You pull up your own to match, and a small smile plays on your lips as you continue. “If it was anyone else, they would’ve had me by the throat.”

Chenle takes in your cautious figure and furrows his brows, not at all seeing the consequences in the same light you were. “You like that, though,” he replies, nudging you in the side and getting the both of you to laugh. You shake your head, dropping it to cover your face with your hands in embarrassment. 

“Sometimes, I wish you had a filter,” you banter back, but when you uncover your face again to look over at Chenle, his demeanor had completely shifted, as though your laugh had reminded him that he didn’t know how many more times he would be able to hear it. 

“I’m sorry for having to leave,” he says miserably. “Your family has been so nice to me, all throughout childhood and now trusting me with you…” He drags off, his gaze moving across the bed beneath him and over to you, hair messy and lips slightly swollen from his kisses. He shakes his head. “Like this, and I’m just up and leaving.” You can tell he’s getting pissed at himself with every new word, but he doesn’t give you time to jump in right away. “I put you in a position where I knew you’d get hurt. I feel like an asshole.”

Gently, you bring both of your hands to cover over his own against his lap, and he turns his gaze your way at the contact, allowing you to see him physically break from his reverie and instead soften in your presence. “Chenle, you aren’t an asshole,” you reassure. “I knew what I was signing up for at the beginning of summer, and I told my parents exactly how this was going to go, too. No one blames you for having familial obligations. Not me and not my parents. They aren’t mad that you’re the reason my heart is gonna break in a few days, they’re just really really grateful you’ve been the reason behind the happiest three months of my life.” Your words carry enough weight, it was obvious that that’s truly how you viewed the situation. If possible, Chenle felt worse. He was the bad guy here, and you were reframing it for his benefit. He never felt like he deserved you, and had no clue how you managed to think otherwise for the past three months. 

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out. You whip your head towards his face once you hear his shattered tone, and your lips part in disbelief. You always figured Chenle would be the strong one, but today’s proved to you that’s not the case. 

“Hey,” you start, rubbing a thumb beneath his eyes before his tears could fully roll down his cheeks, an accompanying fond laugh to cover over your own heartache. “Don’t get all sad on me now, we still have four days until you leave.” 

Chenle gives a weak smile, catching your hand with his own and bringing it from his eyes down to his lips, pressing a firm kiss to the back of your hand before shifting grips and giving it a tight squeeze. “Let’s go find your parents.” His voice cracks again as he speaks, and he’s finally able to let out an embarrassed laugh in response. You just nod your head, leaning over to grab your phone and find a well-timed text informing you they were waiting at a café on University Boulevard. So, with a onceover in the mirror to make sure the general public wouldn’t be able to tell you and Chenle just fucked, you led him out the door.

Once you got back home, you and Chenle hardly ever left each other’s sides…even less than normal. There was a shift ever since you moved most of your things to university, and everything started to feel a little more real as opposed to the way the rest of this summer felt like an escape from that reality. You both were running out of time, and you couldn’t do anything but be conscious of the fact. It affected Chenle the most, and you could tell from his first touch once the two of you got back. 

Up to now, sex with Chenle was a full-on activity. It was rough, hot, and passionate to say the least - he would fuck you. However, the last four days, the air had completely changed. Now all his movements were softer, slower. He was trying to memorize you. 

His eyes would become distant sometimes, and only he knew that it meant he was replaying the first day he met you - five-year-old him staring judgementally on the sidewalk out front of his aunt’s house as he watched you play with the water hose, getting messy for no reason and having the audacity to laugh with joy because of it. When you met his gaze, you motioned for him to come join you, to which he adamantly shook his head and decided he was never making friends with the kids on the block. However, as he turned around to go back inside, figuring some basketball could wait until all the messy kids were gone, cold water hit his back in a sensation that had him whipping around again. His first thought was to start spouting Chinese words that he heard his parents say sometimes after they got off business calls with ‘imbeciles of clients,’ but instead as he laid eyes on you, just a few feet away now, with a water gun in your hands and the brightest of joys in your eyes, he forgot all his words. All he knew was that he wanted to be friends with the kids on the block. Though, not even that, he just wanted to be friends with you. He swore in that moment you outshone the sun, and he wanted in on your warmth.

If Chenle knew then what he did at fourteen, he’s not sure he would’ve ever allowed himself to get close to you. However, if he knew then what he did now at eighteen, closer to you than he’s ever been, he’s positive he’d go through this heartbreak a thousand times if it meant he got to love you even once, and he wouldn’t have waited so damn long to love you in the first place. 

The last day - the last time, the distant look in Chenle’s eyes wasn’t there at all. Instead, it was filled with non-stop whispered words of how much you meant to him, how much he adored you; his voice occasionally catching in his throat when he got too sentimental, and you’d be reminded of how hard it was for him to articulate his thoughts at all; so all you could think to do was pull him down for a kiss and swallow his words instead. 

Then you blinked and it was already the day of Chenle’s departure. Your parents had been outside most of the morning helping Chenle and his aunt load the car up with his things. You took no part in it. Instead, you sat in your room, hugging your knees and staring blankly. The only tell that you weren’t frozen was the fact that you were chewing on your bottom lip, truthfully destroying it, but it was the only thing you could think to do to ground yourself at the time. 

With a light knock on the door, your mom enters your bedroom and you move your head up to meet her gaze. “Chenle’s sitting outside. We got him all packed up and everything.”

You swallow harshly and your eyes immediately find your knees again. “I know,” you reply shortly, your voice hardly above a whisper.

A sad smile crossed your mom’s face, but when she saw you making no effort to move in response to her words, she let out a sigh. “Sitting in your room doesn’t stop time.” Her words come out flat, like a lecture, and you knew she was trying to juggle how to be both, a ray of comfort and an authority figure. “You still have to say goodbye.”

You shake your head to dismiss the bit of worry held in her tone as she gave you orders. She didn’t have to walk on eggshells around you, it was that you were the one mentally walking on eggshells around your heart. “I’m just trying to keep my emotions from running high,” you say monotonously, finally looking up at her. You watch her eyes widen as she notices the glaze of tears over your own, and shake your head again in frustration before dropping it back down to your lap. “The last thing he needs is to have to leave while I’m in tears. He’ll never want to go.”

Your mom rolls her lips inward, and suddenly she understands why you’ve taken solace in tearing up your own bottom lip before she walked in. Though, with a sigh, she speaks again with her best attempt at unbiased advice. “He already doesn’t want to go - but the fact of the matter is that when you look back on this moment days, months, years later, you’ll want to have said ‘goodbye.’” You shake your head immediately, she was wrong.

“No. I don’t ever want to say ‘goodbye’ to Chenle,” you claim with more force than you thought yourself capable of in such a fragile moment. You glance up to watch the outsider persona she tried to create instead fall away, and she just went back to being your mom.

She fumbled with her thoughts for a few moments, mouth opening and closing again as she shook away everything she didn’t want to say. Finally, she presses her lips to form a thin line, and then is immediately turning around to walk back out of your door. “You can wish him luck, then, but you need to go see him.” As her words come out, straightforward and not open for debate, you realize why she started walking away as she delivered them, because she wouldn’t have been able to face you and give such orders. Her words were still not what you needed to hear, and you both knew that, but she had to exert some authority and get you to at least do what seemed best in the long run; you figure that’s why it was hard for you to take in…you and Chenle didn’t have a long run. The concept of it hurt enough to pull you up from bed and out the front door. 

Without a word, you sit down next to Chenle on the sidewalk, making a chair out of the step in the pathway leading up to his aunt’s house. He moves his head to look over at you, registering that you were next to him. With a breath, you turn to face him as well, a smile on your lips that didn’t quite reach your eyes, though the tears once occupying them were successfully blinked back. 

He ignores your smile of reassurance, instead just looking over you once and nodding his head minimally before facing the front again and leaning his head on your shoulder. That’s how the two of you stayed for a good five minutes. No words exchanged, just your light breaths and his heavy exhales as you run through every thought in your mind. You weren’t sure which ones to say, which ones would make things worse, or if any of them would make things better. 

“Oh!” You startle as the first practical, rather than emotional, thought crosses your mind. “I still have your hoodie, oh my god let me go get-” Your move to get up and run back into your house is ruined by Chenle’s calm words.

“Keep it,” he says immediately, and you whip your head towards him in shock.

“What? Chenle, if I keep it, it’s almost guaranteed you’re never getting it back. We won’t have contact after this.” That was always the deal, he was getting a new phone and his parents were taking any trace of you out of it, blocking your number, the whole nine yards. However, admitting that you weren’t going to have contact after this present moment was incredibly bitter on your tongue. The words make Chenle tense up, too, but he just as quickly continues with a head nod.

“I know. So, keep it. It can be your hoodie, just please don’t forget that it’s mine.” He stops talking once he notices the sorrow in his tone, and you watch as he swallows it back before speaking again, this time with a touch of playfulness. “And even after you stop wearing it, you can give it to your first-born, Chenle, and then it’s Chenle’s hoodie again.” He concludes as though the entire thing made perfect sense, and you didn’t know how to feel with the fact that his banter made this conversation seem so normal. On the one hand, you were grateful when the familiarity fought off any last question of tears, but on the other hand, you hated knowing this was the last time you would get to have a normal conversation with him. 

You settle with rolling your eyes rather than figuring out how to feel. “I’m not naming my first-born ‘Chenle,’” you reply, looking at him with raised eyebrows. You watch as a small smile overtakes his face, but it quickly settles into a grimace and then it’s gone.

“It was worth a shot.” He pauses for a beat before turning to face you, his new tone coming off as desperate, helpless. “Don’t ever forget me, okay?”

You shake your head rapidly as you reassure him. “I couldn’t.”

The two of you stare at each other again in silence for a moment. The time to say goodbye was upon you, which is why the conversation died, which is why you remember what your mom had said in your room, and thus you start with your wishes of luck. “You’re gonna do great, you know? Learning how to run a company and everything. No one’s more capable than you. I’m already incredibly proud of you, not because you’re gonna be a crazy successful business man, but because you’re you. So, when you set foot in your dad’s company, don’t lose that, okay? Everything that makes you Chenle. I’d be sad to see that go just for some bottom line.”

Chenle’s shoulders sink as he turns to face the pavement. “I’ll do my best for you,” he assures with a nod. You want to fill the silence again but hardly have a clue what to say. However, that’s when you see Chenle’s lips twitching and you know he’s in the midst of trying to articulate more of his own thoughts. When he does speak up again, his voice is surprisingly steady. “You know, I’ve been thinking lately. That’s all I could ever seem to do these past few weeks. You know I always struggled finding the right words to say, to let you know how much you mean to me. But lately I’ve found my words. And it’s stupid because it’s so easy,” he says with a scoff, and a wave of uneasiness washes over you as you see the smile he’s able to conjure up. “I’ve been saying it over and over again in my head and it’s so natural. I could’ve been telling you this entire time.”

That’s when clarity hits you and you jump to stop him from saying his next words - you couldn’t handle them. “Chenle, don’t-” You speak up in a rush, but he does, too.

“I love you,” he says firmly, finally bringing his head back up to look at you. His eyes are wide in sincerity, making sure you could see every emotion behind them, how much he meant it. “I love you, y/n l/n. I really do.”

Every last bit of strength you had vanished in milliseconds, and instead you bawled your eyes out sitting on that pavement. “You stupid kid,” you cry out, ramming your head into his shoulder. Underneath you, Chenle froze, and you realize he has no clue if you’re sad or genuinely mad at him. “I’m gonna miss you so much,” you add weakly, a hand coming up to clutch at his shirt. Chenle immediately softens, placing both of his arms around you as best he can. All this time, you had been mentally preparing to comfort him, to be so incredibly strong for him so that he could take his next steps and not feel incredibly guilty for doing so…but now he was the one comforting you as you sobbed in his arms. Chenle could figure out how to articulate his feelings but you couldn’t even get this right - he was stronger than you.

No more words were exchanged between the two of you. He held you in his arms as you tried to rid yourself of tears, but you couldn’t even accomplish that before his aunt gave the first gentle warning that they had to get on the road. Chenle felt you freeze in his arms, and he hated knowing that, regardless of how you wanted to frame it, he was the reason you were crying and torn up like this. If it was up to him, he would’ve never left you; but it wasn’t up to him, so all he could do was leave you with something - his hoodie, and the softest of kisses on the top of your head, getting you to finally pick your head up again so he could place more kisses across the span of your face, slowly but surely kissing your tears away until he made his way down to your lips…and there he finally faltered, letting out a heavy breath against your skin. A last kiss sounded horrible, did he even want one so clearly defined, or was it better for your last kiss to have been yesterday, being able to remember it as basked in love rather than tears. His inner debate was more like a war as his eyes roamed over every inch of your face - what to do? What’s best? Tears were still running down your face but he can't shake how beautiful you look right now…he loves you. How does he kiss you goodbye? How could he ever say goodbye? Does he not do anything at all? He loves you. Is a final goodbye best left unspoken? Unkissed? 

His state of drowning in his thoughts gets cut off as you make the decision for him, leaning in to kiss him softly, and instead he’s drowning in you…and your last kiss. It was delicate and innocent, with the audience you had, it probably would have been weird for it to be any other way. Regardless, he still chases your lips after you pull back - that couldn’t have been it; but then the car starts and his eyes shoot open as they dart over to where his aunt was getting situated in the driver’s seat. Chenle whipped back around to face you and looked terrified, but the roar of the engine was a constant reminder of where he needed to be - he couldn’t put it off any longer. He opened his mouth to say something but no words came out, instead it was just quick, heavy breaths and a scared shake of his head. None of that meant that he wasn’t in the act of standing up from the pavement, making his way to the car…leaving you.

Every step you watched him take as he left was another drop of poison in your bloodstream, a poison you should’ve built up tolerance for already given how many small doses it seemed like you were taking throughout the last three months. Though, you must be kidding yourself - goodnight kisses under the porch light before watching him walk the few steps to the other side of the road were nothing even close to poison; an antidote, maybe, to last you throughout the night and fight off the poison of when you were apart, but there were no more goodnight kisses to keep you going now. It was a different sting, your muscles tightened, you couldn’t move, couldn’t look away. Though, you refused to watch him go, leaving it up to your tears to blur the sight of it. The scene in front of you was nothing other than a tragedy, an ending no one was satisfied with, not because it could’ve ended differently, but because it was always going to end this way. There was no crazy plot twist or invocation of Deus Ex Machina to change the narrative. No, just the same, sad, memorized ending of a story you forgot was your own. You played yourselves for fools, believing you could outrun a truth that only ever gained on you with each stride - that, together, the only thing the two of you needed was what you would never be able to have…more time.

[winsmoke]

hey, i have been following u for a long time because of nct. so i thought may be you can help me to find a nct dream oo line fic series. it is a really old one so idk if anyone remember it or not. it was a soulmate au series, where after a certain age you can talk to your soulmate mentally, but you cannot tell your name, unless you meet in person and figure out that they are your soulmate. i only remember jaemin and jeno part. in jeno part, y/n and jeno was childhood friends so they have known for a long time that they are soulmates. while in jaemin one, y/n became a part of his friend circle but he did not know that the girl he talked to in is mind is so close to her.

can anyone please help me to find it

I'm sorry, I rarely read for Jaemin/Jeno so I'm not the best person to ask. Would reccomend looking through the masterlists of all the writers you follow! Especially the ones who've been around for a while.

[winsmoke]

[gatheringbones]

[“When people heal, the options foreclosed by trauma begin to reopen. Healed people have the experience of change—of going from pain to some measure of relief.

Healed people are nimble. Healed people are often suspicious of belief systems that deny change, because the fact that they are still alive is because they were capable of change. Healed people are less susceptible to manipulation and less in need of toxic forms of protection. Healed people have a harder time being indifferent to other people’s pain and often see themselves in others who have come through loss. Healed people cannot be persuaded that violence is normal. Healed people heal people.

In the context of the larger work of addressing this nation’s historical and racialized trauma, these outcomes of healing will manifest in their own way for white people, too, for whom the combination of white supremacy and our own pain can harden into patterns of great harm to ourselves and others. Healing, then, is one of the ways white people will become capable of supporting a humane and rational response to harm—including the harm people of color endure, as well as the harm we ourselves endure—and of contributing to the disruption of our current deadening narratives that lock cycles of violence in place.”]

danielle sered, from until we reckon: violence, mass incarceration, and a road to repair, 2019

[winsmoke]

This is so beautiful.

[ryozakidesu]

The Fine Art of Rejection - h.rj

3/4 diary of the heartbreakers

summary ➸ ♡ Huang Renjun, the sweetie of the year, is one hard star to catch. Not as easy as his other friends, he's quite difficult to have. Although he has a fair share of affairs with girls, it is considered to be a rare occurence. But you? Oh boy were you something. You were quite head over heels over him. His friends could never understand, but you were persistent to get the boy. No matter how much he refuses your advances, Its like you found art in rejection. But to what degree can you hold it out?

"I can be everything I want, but fuck, I only wanted to be yours. Even though you couldn't be mine."

GENRE: Unrequited love, Humour, Fluff, Angst, Smut

WARNINGS: Minors DNI, Language, Explicit sexual content, Violence, Alcohol Usage, cheerleader!reader, asshole!renjun

AUTHOR's NOTE: This has gone way too angst-y than I planned but hey, i thrive for angst. Longer than what I expected but it's not gonna be a ryo fic if I stuck with the expected wc lmao. also i cried while writing this fic lol

WC: 19k (told ya)

DISCLAIMER: This story is purely fanfiction. Only the names of the Idols are used, and does not reflect on them in real life. There's no way in any shape of form that they are like this in person, because I MADE IT UP. I don't personally know them. DO NOT STEAL / TRANSLATE / MODIFY. This is my work and I don't appreciate people stealing it. Thank you.

Enjoy reading! -ryo

My dearest Renjun,

I hope you had a wonderful day! I heard you have an exam today. Don’t forget to eat on time, okay? Here’s some brownies, I know you love them xoxo

-y/n

You clicked your pen after writing the letter, spraying a bit of your perfume on the note. You put it nicely on top of the box of brownies before putting it on your bag.

You checked the time, and you nod when it says exactly 7am.

“Seriously, a handwritten letter? You’re crazy,” your roommate, Julie, sassed at your small box of sweets.

You tighten your shoe laces, before turning around to get your bag. You smiled at Julie, “It’s a habit,” You hear her scoff, but before she argues again, you are fast on your feet. 

As soon as you entered the school premises, you were greeted by some of the freshmen, waving at you. You of course, waved back and gave them a good morning back. It was nice to greet people, even if you don’t know them. You don’t know when a simple greeting could make someone’s day. It sure makes your day better at least.

You’re supposed to go left at the gym because you have practice at 7:30 sharp and you’ve used up all your chances to be late. However, if you run fast enough, you’re sure you’ll get there in time. 

“Hey, y/n! Be careful!” One student says as you run through the hallway. You still manage to respond with a smile. 

You look at your watch, and you silently curse. 7:15.

Once you made it at the school garden, you hover your eyes at the entire field and sure enough, you see who you’ve been looking for. 

There he was. He sat with his three other friends, which you knew of. Usually, it’s only him and Jeno, but this time, there’s Jaemin and Haechan with him at the picnic table. Haechan slumped in the table, Jaemin mindlessly watching something on his phone and Jeno, along with Renjun, seemingly studying for their upcoming exam.

You put on your best smile, and dust off your cheer uniform. 

Once you reach their table, you clear your throat. It was Jaemin who granted you attention first, and as soon as he looked at you, his smile beamed brighter than the sun. He’s good at that, a charmer, really. Too bad it doesn’t affect you in any way.

“Renjun, someone’s here for you,” He says through his smile and nudging Renjun.

You hear the boy grunt, and let out an exasperated sigh. Finally, he turns to you, and even if you swore you had a big smile, seeing him made it even bigger.

“Hi, Renjun! Uh,” you waved at him, and then brought the box of brownies out your bag, glad to see it's still in pristine condition. “--I brought brownies.. For you and your friends,” 

That’s when Jeno and Haechan, who suddenly woke up from his sleep, looked up at you.

Renjun rubs his forehead, and sighed again. He puts down his pen that he was holding from earlier. “Y/n, I told you, stop making these for me.” 

You gulp in nervousness. “Do.. do you not like them?” you can’t help sound dismayed, with the end of your sentence getting quieter.

“I like brownies. I just don’t like when it comes from you. Don’t you get that?” 

Honestly, you were expecting this. Renjun was always harsh, however, you like to think he’s just brutally honest. But you would be lying if you say that it doesn’t sting.

“Oh-kay,”  Jaemin joins the conversation, attempting to dilute the tension. Your smile falters for a second but you try your best to smile again. Jaemin continues, “Sorry, birdie, he’s just extra grumpy today ‘cause of the big exam later.. I’ll get that,” he grabs the brownies out of your hold. 

You whisper a small thank you to Jaemin. “Renjun, if you change your mind, I guess Jaemin has the brownies..” you still tried to sound cheerful.

Renjun, however, didn’t say anything. 

“I’ll shove it down his throat if I have to. Go on now, Birdie, I heard you guys have cheer practice at 7:30.” Jaemin answers for him again, sweet as ever. 

That piqued your interest. You raised your brows, “How’d you know?” 

“I have a friend in your squad. Now, shoo! Don’t wanna be late! Renjun says fighting!”  He grabs Renjun’s hand and waved it forcefully, but Renjun just pulls away from his hold.

“Okay. Uh, bye everybody! Bye, Renjun.” Your eyes glanced at him with hope, but came to no avail when he just continued reading his book. Jeno waved a little bit and Haechan just gave you a fake smile. Haechan, for reasons unbeknownst to you, doesn’t seem to like you either. But you don’t dwell on it too much because frankly, you don’t care.

Jaemin smiles, waving at you. You turn your heels and start to run. You have two minutes to get to the gymnasium. It was worth it tho, you like to start your day seeing him. 

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

After a few hours of practice, you were dismissed due to the classes you have later on the day.

“Why were you late this morning?” Sunghoon, one of your spotters on the squad, asks as you walk to your class.

You didn’t have a chance to answer, when Minnie spoke. “Duh, she did her daily rejection therapy, of course.” 

You shook your head and chuckled at her. “It’s not rejection therapy, Minnie.” 

“Oh please, Huang Renjun could literally stomp at your feet and you’ll still show up with freshly baked cookies the next day.” Minnie was annoyed more than anything, but you still smile at her. You know she means well.

You chose not to answer because really, what’s there to say? Minnie might sound mean, but she’s just telling the truth. 

Huang Renjun has rejected you more times than you can remember. Honestly, you think you’re immune to it now. Sometimes, you find it really interesting that he just won’t budge, at all. He hates your guts, but as long as he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and he doesn’t verbally say to your face that he hates you, technically, there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing.

Much more women do worse, actually. Renjun’s really popular with women, despite the attitude and sass he possessed. Some girls are intrigued, curious as to how they could get with Renjun. Going further as to literally kneeling in front of him just to sleep with him. Poor Kim Chaeyon.

You’re not at that level of extremities yet, thank god.

Although he was picky, he did kind of have a fair share of girls. Some students call the girls he’s been with the chosen ones, making you laugh. Renjun has a standard, and he likes to abide by it.

Unlike his friends, Renjun can count in his fingers how many girls he was with. And boy, were they special.

Renjun is picky. He’s not someone you can just get together with just because you’re pretty. His standards are sky high, but hey, they don’t call you Birdie for no reason. 

“I don’t get why you keep on pursuing Renjun, to be honest. Yeah, I heard he’s hot shit, but come on. You’re Y/n. NCU Cheersquad Captain, Thee Bird, and not to mention, a Mathematics Olympiad runner up. You’re like.. Einstein’s hot little sister.” Minnie didn’t stop, even after class she blabbered about your undying admiration for Renjun, claiming it doesn’t make sense to her.

It doesn’t really matter how many times Minnie likes to remind you that Renjun isn't worth your time, your answer stays the same.

“I just like him. It doesn’t have to make sense to you, Minnie.” You say casually as you bite into your apple.

“Ugh! You’re insufferable,” She says before standing up and stomping her way out. You just laughed at her reaction. Minnie’s easily pissed, and it amuses you.

It’s past five when you finished your day, ready to head back to your apartment. Your routine was consistent, it sometimes just differs depending on your practice and classes. You never really enjoyed going out with your friends, not a party-goer, and most especially, you’re not really amused by other boys, much to your friend’s dismay.

There have been attempts, here and there, of trying to pursue you. You just don’t feel like giving  attention to any of them, when you already set your eyes on someone. It feels like a waste of time. 

When you enter your dorm, you see Julie, all dressed up and ready to go out. You eye her up and down and give her a smile. “Going on a date?”

“Yeah, uh,” You notice she’s struggling to clasp her bracelet, so you try and help her with it. 

“That dress looks cute on you,” you compliment her. 

Julie never really dresses up for dates, well, at least you don’t see her getting this dolled up for a date. You have always questioned that, because she’s always out on dates and she looks good in dresses as well. But hey, each to their own. 

“Thanks, y/n.” She replies with a forced smile, but you assumed it’s because she’s nervous. 

You walk inside further, leaving her in the doorway putting her shoes. “Hey, don’t forget your keys.” You remind her.

“Uhm, I think I won’t need them.” Your smirk got even wider at her response, understanding exactly what she meant. 

“You go, girl. Enjoy your date.” You giggled before you entered your room. 

You sigh as soon as your back hits the soft mattress, relieved that you’re now in the comfort of your own home. You don’t let your eyes rest for more than three minutes because you have papers to finish tonight and you don’t intend to accidentally pass out earlier than what you’ve planned.

You did your basic night routine, ready to turn on netflix before drowning yourself in papers.

Your last step was to put your phone on Do Not Disturb, but before that, you shoot a text to the one who matters to you the most. 

[8:01] to: renjun <3 

just got home! i hope u ate some of the brownies from earlier, it’s really good! enjoy your night and see you tomorrow, renjunnie! 

xoxo -y/n

[9:05 read]

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

“Just go talk to him, y/n. Get your mind off that Renjun boy.” You roll your eyes at Minnie who nudges you. 

You don’t know why people even attempt to ask you out. You’ve made it clear that you only have eyes for Renjun, and the fact that you never went out with anyone should’ve made it obvious. Do you have to write it across your forehead? 

Sungchan’s nice. Really tall, not bad with the eyes either, and from what you’ve heard he’s a real sweetheart. Not a bad bone on his body. A perfect man, maybe, but not for you. Nobody really is for you unless it’s... well, you get it.

“Listen, atleast I tried, right?” He snickers, but you can tell it’s unenthusiastic. 

“I’m sorry, Sungchan.” 

“Should’ve listened to Jeno,” He whispers, one you can’t make out but you didn’t push. He then bids you goodbye, but before leaving, he asks you if you two could be friends. 

“Of course, we can be friends, Sungchan.” You’re glad he offered to be one, at least you don’t turn him down in every possible way. There’s still something there. 

He smiles at you again and now fully walks away. You also stood up and turned around, but when you do, you see Renjun, on the sidelines talking to Jeno and Yangyang.

Speak of the Angel.

You widen your eyes in great surprise, smiling ear to ear as you see him, hands folded in his chest. Seeing him instantly brightens your mood— even looking like the most intimidating person ever.

You silently run back, putting an extra hop in every step. You stop where Renjun is, and waved at him.

“Good morning,” you smile at him. You always give your best smile towards him, and not that you put an extra effort to, but he just brings it out of you. A magic pull, in some ways.

He takes a deep breath, “Morning,” he muttered, not even sparing you a glance before going back to whatever they were talking about.

You don’t know why, but you still stood there. You’re waiting for something, but you don’t exactly know what it is. Maybe, it’s just an excuse to look at him longer.

“What time is your lunch? Wanna grab lunch later?” You ask and you hear Jeno snorts on his side..

“I’m in the middle of a conversation, do you mind?” Renjun says, again with his usual cold tone towards you. In some twisted way, it made your chest flutter.

“You’re really cute,” you say, making both Jeno and Yangyang laugh. You don’t know what they find so funny. You’re just telling the truth. Renjun’s cute when he gets grumpy. Tho, sometimes you wish it’s not directly at you.

Renjun closes his eyes in frustration and grunts, you can tell there’s another strong statement that’s boiling in his mind. Before he could though, you heard Minnie’s voice from afar.

“Birdie! Practice back on!” 

“Oh, gotta go. Bye Renjun!” You say in your most cheerful voice, throwing him a wink before running back to your squad.

You giggle as you run through the field. You got to talk to Renjun! 

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

Today, you’re opening auditions for the squad, to prepare for the upcoming cheerdance. 

Pulling up your phone to track the time, 6:54am. 

You carefully place the cupcake on the box, getting rid of your pink mittens and finally, a perfectly tied bow to finish it off. 

A glimmer of a smile appears on your face as you admire the box.

Packing it safely, you made your way out of your apartment, looking at your wrist watch, 8:32am.

"Just on time." You whispered to yourself.

"Hi, y/n!" A junior student greeted you as you passed by, which you bowed back. "Hello!"

"Good morning, y/n." You waved back to another student.

Finally, reaching up to the fourth floor, you strutted yourself to the empty hallways until you reached the abandoned elementary library. 

"Do Not Entry" It says on the door.

Knocking three times, finally, someone opened.

"Oh, hi, y/n-ie. I'm guessing this is for Renjun?" Jaemin, with his sweet smile, asked as his eyes fixed on the box you were holding.

"Hi, Jaemin. Yeah. Is he here yet?" You tried looking pass Jaemin,into the room, but to no avail, as he was literally blocking everything inside.

"No but I'll make sure he got this, alright?" Jaemin grabbed the lunchbox from you, not missing the opportunity to wink at you.

"Oh. I guess he's late. Okay, Jaemin. Thanks." Disappointed that you didn't get to see your Renjun, you turned around bitterly.

You decided to just get to your first class early. Only a few people was in the room, because its quite early for the class to start. You crossed your arms over the desk and rest your head. 

You're sure Renjun's just running late. Biting your lip, 

You pulled out your phone, texting Renjun. 

[9:01am] to: renjun

hi goodmorning! i brought u a cupcakes today. are u running late? be safe! xoxo -y/n

You didn’t see him the entire day, and even though you tried to focus on other things, your day didn’t seem complete without seeing his face. But you didn’t let it ruin your day, of course. You’re sure tomorrow, you’ll get to see him again. 

You hop your way back to your apartment, with your laptop bag on hand. It’s getting chilly, you notice. You thought about what you’ll eat for dinner when you exit the elevator.

You were about to take a step out, when you see someone in front of your apartment, hugging whom you assume is your roommate.

You can’t be mistaken. You’re sure it was Renjun. You can never mistake him for someone else.

Renjun’s hugging Julie, before smiling at her and letting her enter the apartment. 

Your lips fall ajar, baffled at what you saw. Your clutch in your bag tightens, and you feel sick. Renjun and Julie? Since when?

You immediately step back into the elevator, pushing the button desperately, just to get it to close. You don’t know if you can look Renjun in the eyes, at least not right now. 

When it slowly closes, you still stand there frozen. In a split second, in the tiny gap of the elevator, you see his face. And there, you see the shock on his eyes. But before anything else happens, the elevator closes.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

That night, you slept at Minnie’s apartment. You were lucky that her roommate’s nice enough to let you, although Minnie says that you don’t ever need any permission to sleep over at hers. You smiled at the thought that at least, you have Minnie.

It was rough, to say the least. You weren't a stranger to heartbreak, especially when it comes to Renjun. You’ve literally liked him for so long, and you’ve witnessed him with girls before. This one’s just special because it’s your roommate. It’s Julie, for christ sake. 

She witnessed your Renjun shenanigans for months. She would even laugh at you for waking up early just to prepare food for Renjun. God, you sure looked stupid. 

Despite Minnie’s disapproval, you still sent a text to Julie, informing her that you wouldn’t be going home tonight. You still apologize for making her wait, if she ever did wait for you. You never received a reply back, but she’s just probably asleep by now.

The next morning was tough. You don’t know if you should still bring snacks to Renjun, maybe you should respect his relationship with Julie. So you didn’t. 

You went to the campus half asleep, Minnie offering to buy you a drink from the cafe. You seriously can’t thank her enough.

Sunghoon was the first one to greet you at the gymnasium. 

“Hey, captain!” He waves, completely oblivious to your bad mood. However, you still waved back and gave him a smile.

“How many are auditioning?” You ask as you sit in one of the chairs that's laid out.

“Thirty? I don’t know, but I recall seeing your roommate on the list tho? You never told me that your roommate’s interested in Cheerleading?” 

You froze. Julie’s auditioning? You might just pull your hair out. You really cannot catch a break, huh?

You scan the paper he held out, and much to your dismay, her name’s listed. Han Julie. 

You mentally curse at yourself. 

And in some effed’ up timing, you hear a couple of steps coming in the gymnasium. You assumed it was your other teammates, or one of the students that's auditioning, but you were dead wrong.

Sunghoon stood up, looking at your back since you’re seated facing back at the hall. 

“Oh? Renjun, Haechan and Jaemin’s here.” He says in a casual tone, you, on the other hand, just wanted the floor to eat you alive. There’s no way this is happening to you right now.

“Can you deal with them for a bit? I have a headache,” You rub your temples to up your acting, Sunghoon obediently nodding and walking towards them.

But before you can even catch a breather, Sunghoon returns. 

“They want to talk to the captain, Birdie,” He says carefully, afraid to piss you off. But you can never be pissed off, silly Sunghoon.

You smiled, and stood up. You start walking towards the three men who stands out like a sore thumb, with Haechan’s leather jacket and Jaemin’s baggy ripped jeans. Renjun, still looks like an angel, and in your eyes, he fits wherever he goes.

“Hey, hi. You guys need something?” You ask, in your usual tone. Avoiding looking at Renjun because you know you can’t help but to melt in his stare.

“Hi, birdie. Actually,” Jaemin smiled, grabbing Renjun’s shoulder and pushing him slightly towards you. “--Renjun here, just dragged us here. Apparently, he wants to talk to you!” He wiggles his brows excitedly.

“Oh?” You act surprised, now looking at Renjun because you literally have no choice.

“You want us to give you some space or—” Before Jaemin could even finish, Renjun interrupted him, grabbing at his friend’s forearms, to avoid him leaving. 

“No, this’ll be quick,” His tone was cold, nothing new to you. 

Haechan, on the other side of him, just looks bored. Honestly, he looks like he just woke up. But when he saw the other cheerleaders walk in, his body jolted. Typical. 

“Listen, y/n.. uh,” Renjun clears his throat, “My friend.. Julie is auditioning. I just want to let you know that she’s really good at cheer and I want you to really consider letting her in the team.”

His friend? Oh, you want to throw up. He’s sick. He’s really… ah, he’s really done it now. You didn’t know Renjun could ever ruin your day, but wow.. He just did.

“Wait, what the fuck?” You hear Jaemin curse beside him, Haechan just letting out a laugh. You wanted to burst out in anger and bash his head in concrete, but that’s not very nice.

You decide that you can’t handle this kind of conversation at 9 in the freakin’ morning. 

“Renjun, I would love to let her in the team, but she really needs to pass the auditions first. I’m not the only one who decides if a someone gets in. I’m sorry.” 

He didn’t say anything, but let out a deep sigh. “Alright, I know she’ll pass the audition. Anyways, we’ll watch…” 

You nod, not having the energy to keep up with him. You immediately turn your heels and you walk away. Yeah, this will be a long day.

Surprisingly, there’s a lot of people who showed up for the auditions. Apparently, some had an info that Haechan, Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun are watching, (Jeno showing up half an hour after the other three arrived) and that’s when a wave of students came in. 

You didn’t let your sour mood ruin your judgment, so you put on your big girl pants, and watched every audition in full professional mode. You don’t want to sabotage the team, by letting just about anyone join just because you’re not in the mood.

They were good, you have to point out some hopefuls that didn’t fit the criteria, in the nicest way you could. However, Minnie took her role as your ‘anger translator’ seriously.

“Are you sure you know what you were auditioning for?” 

“Oh honey, you’re really good! You should really try to be a singer.” 

Or sometimes, just cutting off the music mid-performance. Of course, you scolded her for that and let the girl continue, but there’s just no coming back from that.

“Babe, I’m sure you can work on your cartwheels a little bit better. If I’m still here by next year, just call me out and I’ll for sure get you in the team. But for now, you can practice, okay? You can even call me for guidance, okay?” You say softly at Sofia, after her performance. She just nods eagerly, but you can tell she was about to cry.

You really want to go up there and hug her, but you can’t because you’d have to do that with every single one you reject.

This is why you hate auditions.

You were still arranging the papers at your table, anticipating the next person when you heard Minnie curse.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” 

You whip your head up, seeing Julie walk up on the stage.

As soon as she stood in front, you knew she had knowledge in cheerleading. Her stance says it all.

She started the performance, and even if you want her to be bad, she isn’t. She’s really good, and it annoys you so much. God, why does she have to be good?

The routine she did wasn’t easy either, and she nailed it to the ground. Some of your team was actually impressed, and you can’t lie and say you weren’t. That back handspring was perfect, to say the least.

“You guys know that we judge not only with skills, but with personality and attitude as well, right?” Minnie just sounded eerily like a mean girl, saying it to your team but also loud enough for Julie to hear. 

You silently nudged her, earning a whine from Minnie but you looked at Julie instead, giving her a smile.

You don’t know what to say, to be honest. Your cheerleading captain side of you, says that this girl is perfect for the team. But the y/n part of you wants nothing to do with her. 

You roam your eyes across the bleachers and like a magnet, your eyes swiftly went to him. Surprisingly, he’s also looking at you. Or at your direction, at least. 

His elbows are in his knees, his entire upper body leaning his height on his elbows. He looks to be anticipating your answer, because at the end of the day, what you say goes.

You took one final breath before tapping your pen. You look up at Julie, and finally, giving her a wide smile.

“Welcome to the team.”

A mix of cheers, clapping and a curse from Minnie fills your ears. You look up, back at Renjun, seeing him smiling and clapping his hands as well. You look down, ignoring the ache you’ve got going on in your chest.

You hope you won’t regret this decision. You really hope so. 

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

“That’s fucked up, you know. That’s really fucked up,” Jaemin won’t stop bitching up until they got home to their apartment, and Renjun just wants him to stop.

In his head, there’s nothing wrong with what he did. He tried to help a friend, to get a spot she fully deserved. He just did a favor, but it seems to Jaemin that it means he’s a horrible person.

“She passed the audition, Jaem. I didn’t do anything,” Renjun says, stirring his iced americano in hand.

“Yeah but d’you really need to talk to Birdie about it? Like dude, everybody in this world knows that she’s head over heels for you. Then you get in her face talking trying to get some other chic on her team? That’s messed up!” 

“She’s the captain of the cheerleading squad! Who else am I supposed to talk to?” Renjun can’t see where he ‘messed up’. 

Sure, he did have a hint that you were affected with his whole situation about Julie, especially when he saw you at the elevator that night. You looked genuinely hurt, but there’s nothing he could do about it.

He told you many times that he wasn’t interested. He doesn’t know what else to do. He can’t just stop seeing other people because of you.

“Man, I say she deserves it.” Haechan joins in the conversation, taking a sip from Renjun’s drink.

Jaemin gives him a disgusted look, “You’re such a hater, Lee Haechan.”

“She deserved to be treated the way Renjun does, especially when she did those things before, right, Renjunnie?” Haechan scoots up into Renjun’s side, leaning his head onto the boy’s shoulder. 

“Come on, that was years ago! You can see she clearly regrets it by now,” Jaemin continued to be at your defense, confusing Renjun as to why because he has never seen you two around each other. Jaemin doesn’t know you like he knows you.

“Do you wanna be with her, Jaem?” Jeno joins in and smirks at Jaemin.

“No! Of course not! I won’t do Renjunnie like that!” Jaemin quickly on the defensive state. 

“I’m literally right here?” He states, reminding his friends of his presence because they seem to talk about him like he wasn’t in the room.

“What I’m saying is, can’t you just put all those things behind you now? I just feel bad for the girl,” 

In Renjun’s head, Jaemin makes a lot of sense. And yeah, Renjun really did tried to forget all of the things that happened in the past. 

He tried to leave it all behind and just completely start fresh. Because really, he’s got way better life now. He basically could have the world now if he wanted to. 

Wouldn’t it be better if he left all his baggage behind?

Unfortunately, all those are all easier said than done. Considering that everytime he looks at you, he’s just reminded of the fact that you made his life miserable for your own gain.

He relates your smiles to all the tears he had way back when he needed you the most.

For everyone else, you were an angel in disguise. To him, you were the devil he once loved.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

A few years back

Ever since you were ten, you’ve dreamed of being a cheerleader. 

The entire saga of Bring It On was your lifeline as a kid, and every part of that movie is engraved in your mind. Every dialogue, every routine and every single pose in that movie is burned in your brain. 

Ever since then, you knew you’d be a cheerleader.

Whatever it takes.

It was summer, you remember it vividly, sophomore year when you met Renjun. 

Your first meeting didn’t go well, though. You still laugh when you think about it.

It was the first day Renjun moved to your school. The teachers announced a Chinese boy joining the class, and you were excited. 

Then here goes a pale and soft looking boy walking into class, with a pair of glasses and a bag that looks heavier than him. You were dumb, of course, assuming that Renjun would only speak strictly Chinese. 

So you pulled your phone out, and tried searching Chinese words to impress the boy.

You finally chose one and practiced it over and over, and when you decided you were comfortable enough, you approached him.

“See-sow-jian zai na-lee?” 

You tried your best to not sound like an asshole, but you really wanted to strike a conversation with him. He looks at you oddly, blinks a couple of times before he breaks into laughter.

“You’re asking me… where’s the bathroom?” 

You were shocked to hear him speak your language fluently. You furrow your brows before smiling at him, as he keeps on laughing. You found it somewhat cute.

And ever since then, you became friends with Renjun.

He was timid, shy and overall an introvert but you liked that about him. You like that he’s not some cringy highschool boy trying to impress you or other girls. He’s just unapologetically him.

“Wait, what homework!?” You panicked as you try to backtrack your classes from yesterday, remembering if you did in fact had homework that you missed out on.

“Geometry, stupid. Here, copy some of mine,” Renjun pulls his notes out, allowing you to completely copy off of him.

You thanked him furiously as you tried to tweak some of the details off his homework, but ended up copying it as it is. Renjun didn’t complain, he finds you cute when you cram.

The class ended and both of you got a perfect score on your homework, and you got Renjun to thank for that. 

So the following morning, you begged your mother for a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie, and packed it carefully with a ribbon on top. This was the only thing you could think of giving him, as a thank you.

“D’you like choco-chip cookie?” You ask, as if you’re just asking a random question. You see him furrowing his brows at your sudden question, but smiles otherwise.

“Yes. I love home baked ones,” He answers, still smiling at you.

You take that chance to grab the pink container on  your bag and give it to him. “Mom baked those,” 

He was speechless at first, looking at the cookies, before looking back at you with the sweetest smile you’ve ever seen. “Wow. Thank you, y/n. This is like… the first time I’ve received a gift like this.” 

“Well, buckle up dude. There will be a lot coming from now on.”

You and Renjun became inseparable after that day. Having Renjun by your side swiftly became a norm for you, to a point you’re comfortable in saying that Renjun’s your person. It kind of feels that he was always meant to be with you, and you’re meant to be with him.

You never really found the need to find more friends than him, he just filled that need himself. 

The first bump in your friendship happened three months after that day.

Renjun quickly became the talk of the school, and the longer he settled in, students started to notice just how good looking he actually is. He barely wears his glasses now, and he styled his hair differently. But Renjun never seems to realize the attention he was getting from  it.

You never thought it would affect the friendship you had, when you yourself have been making efforts to make friends other than him. However, your sole reason was to just be familiar with the school, because you’re planning to audition for cheerleading this semester. Renjun was still at the top of your priority, you still think of him as your best friend. 

You were waiting at the library for him, this has been your daily routine since you’ve been friends. At first, you thought you were just early, or maybe there has been a change with his schedule so you just thought he’d be late.

But the library alerting you that they’ll close in five minutes snaps you from that thought. 

You got hurt, yes, but not too much where you had to ask him to apologize. Naturally, you just gave him the benefit of a doubt and think that he just maybe forgot. He did apologize the morning after, and you just kind of forgave him after that. 

However, when it happened for the second time, that’s when you question if he really just forgot or he just never really wanted to hang out with you anymore. 

It sucks, sure, and you wish you didn’t attach yourself to him as much as you did, but you were never a confrontational person so again, you just let it happen. This time, you don’t make an effort in hanging out with him, and actually try to avoid him. 

On the evil part of your brain, you thought that maybe, you were just a stepping stone for him to climb up the status quo, and now that he was popular, he doesn’t find any real use to be your friend anymore. 

You hate to think about that, because the guilt of even thinking bad about someone as nice as Renjun eats you up inside. 

You focused on your own, starting to work on your goals solely and completely stopped hanging out with him. It seems like he has found a new friend circle, and you assumed that’s just how it ends. 

You sat by yourself in the cafeteria, planning to just ditch lunch for today. You look like a complete loser, and you don’t want to spend more time wallowing in your sorrows alone. Before you could stand up and leave, you saw Renjun walking in, with his friends. 

He was drastically different than the first time you saw him, and it feels like he’s not the same person. But when he laughs at something his friend says, his smile stays the same, reminding you that he’s still somewhat your Renjun. 

You sigh and look away, and on your second attempt at leaving the area, somebody sat across from you.

“Y/n?” He asks, with his brows lifted as if genuinely curious.

“Yeah?” You kind of recognize him, but nothing really pops up in your head.

“Hi, I’m Kim Sunwoo. I’m part of the Cheerleading squad and our captain told me to speak to you.” 

You froze on the spot. That’s where you remember him from! 

You’ve been watching the cheerleaders at the sidelines recently, in hopes to get hints and further knowledge about the team. You were fascinated, of course, because you feel like you’ve always belonged in that team. 

You loved watching them, it’s almost like you’re almost living the life you’ve dreamed of. It feels like you’re on your own Bring It On movie.

Especially when you watch Uchinaga Eri, more known as Giselle, the flyer and the cheer captain. 

She’s really great at what she does, and it motivates you to work even more harder to finally be on the same team as her.

“Y/N, right?” Giselle is now standing in front of you, looking at you like she was judging your form. You felt nervous, of course. 

“Y-yeah.” 

“You sent that audition tape?” She asks again, now looking at you from head to toe. 

“Yes,” You say, although nervous, you managed to stand still. She reminds you of a mean girl, but that’s not always a bad thing. She just reeks of confidence, and you aspire to be that someday.

She smirks, looking back at her co-cheerleaders, and walked backwards, giving you space.

“Okay, then, y/n—” She clears her throat.

“—Front handspring, step out, back handspring, round off back handspring, step out, full twisting layout.”

Your eyes widen at her order, heart stumping off your chest. You’re wearing denim jeans! What the hell were you thinking!

You take a deep breath, before pulling your bag over your shoulder.

This is the moment that could potentially write your future, y/n.

You shake your hands, letting your body loose before walking back to gain your momentum. That routine is a lot, and you’re gonna need a lot of space.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. You’ve practiced this before. You’re just gonna have to put them all together! It’s easy!

Deep breaths.

Okay.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

You walk out of the stadium overjoyed, gripping the plastic that was given to you— containing your own cheer uniform. You let yourself shriek quietly in excitement. 

You made it to the team. Torrence Shipman would be proud.

Over your small celebration by yourself, you hear somebody call for your name.

“Y/n.” 

You whip your head over to where it came from, standing there with a bouquet of tulips in his hand, is a face you’ve missed dearly.

“Renjun,” you softly say, not registering that he’s now walking up to you.

He hands you the flowers, and you accept them despite your state of confusion as to why he’s approaching you now. Yellow tulips.

“Do— uhm, do you need something?” You feel that darn butterflies fluttering in your stomach again, as he stands before you.

“No, no. Uhm, I don’t— ah, shit. Okay,” He inhales, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I haven’t hung out with you recently and If you ever felt that I abandoned you, I’m sorry. I was just really scared—“

“I got in,” you say to him, smiling ear to ear.

“—because I was a cow– what?” 

“I got in the cheerleading team!” You yell excitedly, opening your arms to hug him tight. You didn’t care, you’re just so happy right now. What made it better is him, being here.

It takes him a full second to hug you back, burying his face on your neck. “I’m so proud of you.”

And with that, you felt like you won twice today.  

You got a spot on the squad, and you got your Renjun back.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

Today

It has been a few weeks after the auditions, and it’s safe to say that you’re not feeling well.

Back-to-back exams, training the new members of the squad and working on side projects for school credit has been killing you these days.

Being a Cheer captain is a heavy weight to carry. You need to succeed in both cheerleading and academics, and the responsibilities sometimes get overwhelming. You never once complained tho, because you wanted this. You needed this. 

Cheer is the only thing that made your life make sense. And well.. Renjun too, of course. So there will be times like this. But you’ll endure it, as you should.

Not to mention the emotional torture of having to see Renjun and Julie all the time, thanks to Julie inviting him over everytime she’s got a chance.

Just like tonight. You were exhausted from all the school activities and you just want the comfort of your bed. So when you finally enter your apartment, to your dismay, you see Haechan, Jaemin, Renjun and Julie snuggled up in the couch of your apartment, watching some movie you didn’t care to look.

Your body is sore, and so is your brain. If you have a choice, you’d take a vacation to anywhere else than your apartment right now. 

And although you already accepted the fact that Renjun and Julie has got something going on between them, it’s still a stab in your chest everytime you see them together.

“Hey, uh, Birdie, I invited them over for a movie night.. I just thought you’d be over at Minnie’s. I’m sure you don’t mind, right?” 

You smile at them. “Oh, no. Enjoy your movie. I’m a bit tired so.. I’ll just head in.” You say, not exactly welcoming as you want to be, but you just can’t be energetic as you usually are tonight. 

You see Jaemin waving at you, Haechan not acknowledging your presence as always, and Renjun sparing you half a second glance before focusing back on the movie.

You head straight to the kitchen, hoping to see anything that could fill your stomach. You just need to eat and then pass out for the night. You can’t find time to mend your broken heart, when your entire body feels like convulsing the next minute.

“It’s been two weeks since the last brownie. Finally got tired, huh?”

You look back at whoever’s speaking, and to your unpleasant surprise, it’s just Haechan walking over the kitchen.

“I just got busy, Haechan.” You say, managing to smile at him.

“You and your damn cheerful attitude. Still gonna pretend like you’re the perfect little birdie?” Even tho his voice was quiet, his tone still pierced through you. 

“I’m not quite sure how I should respond to that,” 

“Of course you don’t. You’re always nice. Whoever that bitch that fucked my friend over years ago is long gone, right?” His smirk splattered all over his face makes your eye twitch.

God, you know hate is a strong word to describe an emotion. You’re not one to hate on anybody. But you give yourself a pass, because you just maybe hate Lee Haechan right now.

“Haechan, please. I just want to rest.” You say, closing your eyes frustratedly. 

“Sure. And just so you know, he’s very happy with Julie right now. She treats him better than you— fuck it, she cheers better than you too.” 

He just had to hit you where it hurts the most, doesn’t he?

You wanted to curse at him, real bad. You wanted to yell, scream at him for pete’s sake. Your chest is heaving with animosity, to the point where you want to cry. But you kept your composure, at least until you weren’t in the safety of your own room.

“I understand Renjun is your friend, and you want to protect him. And I also do understand that you don’t know everything that went down between me and him so I’ll just try and ignore everything you say to me. Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to bed.” 

You left Haechan in the kitchen, the growling of your stomach long forgotten. You don’t think you could still have an appetite after that. 

The hunger you feel was overpowered by the tears you want to let out.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

You’re awoken by pounding in your head, nose stuffed and difficulty breathing. You were convulsing. You had a hunch that you’re having a fever before you even went to bed— but chose to ignore it and just sleep on it.

Which you know to be a bad decision now that you’re drowning in your own sweat and tears.

You needed something. Advil— whatever the fuck is available to you. You need to get up.

Dragging your feet and standing up from your bed, you immediately feel like you’re going to faint. This might be the worst fever you’ve gotten so far.

You get your phone to call Minnie, she’s only in the next building. You see that it’s not even 3 hours when you went to bed. There’s clattering sounds outside your room and you’re sure they’re still out there.

Minnie didn’t pick up, meaning you’d have to fend for yourself.

You close your eyes in frustration, even your eyelids burns. 

Shit, you have practice tomorrow.

You grab your oversized hoodie and ultimately decided to just go out in the kitchen, and find the medicine kit. There’s one out there, you knew it for sure because you were the one who put it there.

You really don’t want to look like a sick girl out there, so you just buried yourself with the hoodie. 

You make your way to the kitchen, and to some poop luck, they’re all there in the counter enjoying two pizza boxes. You practically salivate over the sight, but there’s no way you’d ask for some.

They all turn their heads at you, each having an expression you can’t read. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Jaemin’s the only one who sounded concerned. You shake your head and smiled at him.

“I’m good. Just—” cough. “–need to get something.” 

You see Renjun looking over at you with his brows furrowed, following your figure as you move around the counter. The medicine cabinet is exactly where he was standing, so you just muttered a weak ‘excuse me’.

“You don’t look good.” He says as soon as you stand next to him. You didn’t respond, but you just rummaged through the cabinet just to find anything. 

You were stunned when you felt his hands over at yours, looking up at him with your confused eyes.

“You’re fucking burning up, y/n.” 

He pulls your hood down, and then proceeds to put the backside of his hand on your forehead, checking your temperature. You were baffled, at his sudden concern but you don’t dwell on it, you physically think of anything but the raging headache you’re suffering from.

You gently swat his hands away, “I’m really okay… I just– Julie, where’s the Tylenol?” 

She looks at you, as if you were interrupting something.  “Don’t you keep them in your room? You didn’t have to come out,” 

You shake your head and you almost respond, before Renjun cuts you off.

“You should lay down, I’ll call someone,” He says strictly.

“What? Dude, she says she’s fine. She’ll live!” Haechan interjects, but Jaemin hits him on his shoulder.

“She’s literally dying, Haechan. Are you fucking blind?” Jaemin.

Haechan rolls his eyes, whispering something about ‘attention’ and Julie looking at him with a smirk.

You didn’t have the energy to be offended or anything, and you’re almost sure the world’s spinning. 

Before you know it, you heard Renjun curse and that’s when your vision turns absolutely pitch black.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

“Probably just over fatigue, just a little bit of rest and she should be okay.” 

Renjun rubs his temple as he sighed a thank you to Nurse Suh through the phone. 

“I told you, she’s just really over dramatic sometimes,” Julie says, in a comforting way, massaging Renjun’s shoulder. He was sitting in a single chair beside the couch, where you were laying on.

He bit his lip, looking over at your figure sleeping soundly. He doesn’t even know why he’s still here, Jaemin and Haechan already left half an hour ago. 

“Why’re you even so worried, Renjunnie?” Julie chuckles.

“She literally fainted in front of us. Why aren’t you worried? You’re her roommate,” 

Julie looks to the side, straightening up. “Yeah, but we were never close,” Renjun frowned at her response, but still shrugged it off.

Honestly speaking, Renjun really did kind of snapped the moment you fainted. He was scared to death, he knew you weren’t feeling good the moment you entered the kitchen. And when you passed out, he felt the air snatched from his lungs.

He panicked, he admits. And he hates it so much, the way he acted. He wasn’t supposed to care. But what can he do when you literally faint in front of him? Every decent human being would do what he did. 

Except maybe the part where he woke up a school nurse in the middle of the night in panic and sat beside you for three hours trying to monitor your temperature waiting for you to wake up.

When your temperature finally seemed to had gone down, that’s when he decided to go home. And on the walk back to his car, he silently drove back to his apartment, simmering on his own thoughts, disappointed in himself.

“I hate her so much.” He says to himself, more so convincing himself. Even his body seemed to detect his lies, every word burns in his tongue. 

Among the texts you sent him, he finally texts you first.

[12:37 am] renjun: take a break.

Why can’t he just.. let you be? Why do you affect him this much? Still, after all this time?

He blames you. He blames your consistency. He blames your overconfidence, every time you look at him. He blames you for smiling at him every chance you get. He blames those stupid fucking cookies you give him everyday. He blames your entire personality, making him melt in a puddle every single time. And more importantly, he blames you for acting like you’ve never done anything wrong.

You make him feel like everything that happened in the past was a mere imagination. Like the pain he felt was a pigment of his own mind. Because no normal person would act the way you do if they’re aware of the damage they did to another person.

However, what kills him the most is the way he still wants to hold your stupid hand and kiss you in your stupid lips. He would never admit it, even to the devil himself, that after all that’s said and done, he’d still adore you with your hands around his neck.

“I told her to take a fucking break. What in the hell is she doing?!” He muttered to himself when he saw you doing stretches on the matted floor of the gymnasium. He had gone down there in disguise of visiting Julie, but in reality, he just wanted to check if your stubborn self didn’t listen to him. 

“Chill out.” He hears Haechan on his side. Haechan tagged along with him, as always, under the excuse of wanting to see Jeno practice. Who’s he kidding? He’s here to check out the cheerleaders. 

Jaemin was on his side too, having no classes to attend and not much better to do, he just went along.

“You’re so sweet, that’s for me?” Julie’s high pitched voice slashed through his ears, and that’s the only reason he even saw her in the first place. He caught himself staring at you and he immediately brought all his attention to Julie.

“Uh, yeah.” He lied, giving Julie the gatorade that was supposed to be for you, but he felt stupid giving it out to you. It’s embarrassing.

He watched at the sidelines, along with his two friends. His eyes were laser focused on you, and when you suddenly slipped during one of your stunts, his whole body flinched like a reflex.

“At least try to not be so obvious, Injunnie.” Jaemin laughed beside him.

“Shut up, dude. I just had a few extra cups of coffee today.” Even he, himself, cringed at his stupid excuse.

“I thought we hate her, dude? Come on, stand the fuck up! She’s playing you dude. I hate girls like that, acting all perfect and cheery when she literally fucked you over before.” Haechan complained, following it with a huff on his side.

“I still don’t like her, at all, okay? I’m here for Julie, and no one else.”

“Sure, Injunnie.” Jaemin folds his arms on his chest, a playful smirk playing on his lips.

“Say it with me, Injun. We hate Birdie!” Haechan says with two clenched fists moving simultaneously up and down.

“You know what, Haechan, with the way you’re bitching all the time, why don’t you wear the cheer uniform and pompoms?” Jaemin snickers, earning a hit from Haechan.

“Fuck you,” Haechan spits.

“Sorry, honey, but I don’t swing that way. And even if I do, you wouldn’t even reach the list.” Jaemin and Haechan continued to bicker, with Renjun in between. 

He’s still deep in his own thoughts, remembering that he shouldn’t even look at you right now. He has Julie, and that’s what he should be focusing on. Not you.

But when he invited Julie back to his place, and he found your lingering eyes amidst the crowd, with a hint of pain splattered on your pretty face, he almost wanted to push Julie off of him and run to you.

And at that moment, he curses at himself. 

He cares.

He still cares.

He will always care.

And that’s his fucking problem.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

“The game’s in two weeks, and you all should’ve nailed the routine by now. What is going on here?” 

Coach Evie goes on rampage with the squad, most of the blame pointed at you.

“Y/n, I will only say this once. You’ve been chosen as the captain of this squad for a reason. Don’t make me doubt you.” 

This was the first time you felt upset. Not because of the rage that was poured onto you, but because you knew Coach Evie was right. You have not been giving your all these past few days. 

There’s something wrong with you. Emotionally and physically.

Ever since the incident that happened last practice, you find it hard to do all the routines because of your left knee. You didn’t want to think about it, hoping it would just go away. 

It never did.

Emotionally, you felt horrible as well. Renjun was still with Julie, and from what you can see, they look like they’ll be together for a while. It hurts, yes, but there’s not much you can do about it. It’s never your forte to force yourself onto a man that’s spoken for. 

So you decided to take a break. Maybe a few days without practice will do you and the squad good. You focused on your studies, your classes and other stuff. 

That’s why you found yourself in the middle of a random basketball player’s party Thursday night. You came with Minnie, and in typical Minnie fashion, she disappeared with a random stranger within twenty minutes into the party.

This wasn’t what’s on your mind at all when you say that you needed a break. But Minnie was persistent, saying everybody has been waiting for you to finally show up with one of these parties. Because again, this wasn’t your scene at all.

She basically guilt tripped you into attending. 

“Oh, no, I don’t like alcohol.” You politely refused, for the nth time this night. Even though some were absolutely drunk and stubborn to accept rejection, you still politely responded to every single one of them.

“Shit, Birdie’s here!” You hear someone yell, and it turns out it was Sungchan, standing tall on the other side of the room pointing at where you were. 

A small commotion breaks out, some even gasps at seeing you. You didn’t expect it to be this big of a deal, you didn’t know these people at all.

After Sungchan’s announcement of your attendance, people started swarming you. You didn’t want to say it because it sounds so cringe in your head, but you were as if a celebrity attended a random student’s party. It was odd.

“Hi Bird,” You flinched a bit when somebody suddenly pressed on your side, a strong smell of weed filling up your nostrils. 

“Uh, hello.” You smile a little, taking a step away from the stranger. He smirks at you, biting his lip as he looks you up and down.

You press your cup of orange juice in your mouth as you look back at him.

“Fancy seeing you here,” 

You furrow your eyes trying to remember him. You don’t want to be rude and disrespectful so you did try your best but you just can’t remember.

“I’m Eric, y’know.. basketball team?” He says to spark familiarity in your head and it sure did. That’s where you knew him from!

“Yeah! Yeah that’s right!” You sounded so proud of remembering him now that you‘re sure you looked stupid.

He laughs– a bit too much actually before stepping again in your space. You didn’t know what to do, because you don’t want to confront him causing unnecessary drama. There’s too many people in here and the last thing you want to do is to bring attention to yourself. 

You silently prayed that Minnie finishes up quickly. You don’t know how to handle this kind of stuff.

“Wanna go somewhere quiet? Some privacy—”

“Really, dude?” 

You prayed up above, but the devil spawned from down below. It was Haechan who showed up.

Eric rolled his eyes and looked at Haechan, muttering ‘whatever’ before leaving. 

You finally take a breather, and close your eyes in relief. Even tho you think Haechan is a pain in your butt, his interference just saved you. You have to be grateful with that.

“Thanks.” You say sincerely.

“I didn’t do anything. What, you got tired of chasing Renjun’s tail and now you’re trying other options?” And there he goes again. As soon as you give him the benefit of a doubt, he goes right back in with his horrible remarks.

“I’m tired of this,” You say, wearing down your guard and putting your drink down on the counter.

“Finally! What a fucking relief. We also got tired of your pathetic ass running around my friend—“

“What did Renjun tell you to hate me like this, Haechan?” 

He falls silent. Suddenly not knowing what to say, completely perplexed at your sudden change of tone.

“You don’t know what happened, Haechan. And all this time I’m trying to understand all your hatred towards me because I know you’ve been told one side of the story. And I know I was in the wrong—”

“Y/n.” 

Your words hang in the air, swiftly looking over your shoulder seeing Renjun standing with his arms crossed along his chest, leaning his body on the counter.

Cheeks flushed, eyes droopy. He’s intoxicated.

“Renjun,” you whisper upon looking at him.

“Haechan, please leave.” Renjun slurred a bit in his words, but strict enough for Haechan to take it seriously.

“But she—“

“Leave.” 

Haechan huffs, giving you one last glare before walking away.

You wipe away any tear that might’ve escaped your eyes, before gaining back your composure. You stand there before Renjun, not knowing what to say next. Should you leave? Should you stay? 

“Your oven broke or something?” 

His question caught you off guard. That’s definitely not what you’re expecting him to say. You’re confused, really, really confused.

“What?” You say almost breathless. 

He smirks, letting his head fall backwards, eyes closed as he whispers something to himself, one you can’t quite understand.

“It’s been weeks, no cookies, no brownies or any bullshit you used to give me. What, you give up now, Birdie?” 

The way your nickname falls off his lips so smoothly makes your heart thump in excitement. This is the first time he acknowledged you by the way everybody calls you. It sparked a light in your chest that maybe, just maybe, this is a step.

“N-no, I-I’m just.. respecting your relationship with my roommate.” You don’t even know why you had to mention it. You could’ve just lied and told him you were busy, but the atmosphere of being in a party fed your courage to be reckless.

“Relation— bullshit. Me and Julie aren’t together, at least yet.”

 There he goes. He brings you up just to tear you down. It’s an endless roller coaster with him, but he would always be a ride you won’t ever regret. 

“I thought you don’t like them,” 

“I don’t. I like the fact that you’re trying so hard.” 

“I don’t understand Renjun. What are you— do you want me to keep running after you?” You state, extremely nervous about what he’d say next. Every breath you take was calculated, every second mattered.

You don’t even know why you’re having this conversation with him when he’s clearly drunk. However, there could be no other opportunity for him to give you attention other than this. 

“I don’t want you to do anything. I don’t want you, period. It’s just… why the fuck do you give up on me so easily?” His disencourage tone was evident, a slight hoarse in his throat made it obvious. He’s drunk. He doesn’t mean it.

“You’re with Jul—“

“I’m not— fuck!” He sounds like he’s running out of patience, gripping the edge of the counter as if to hold himself back.

“I’m asking you one more time, Renjun. Do you want me to keep trying? Do you want me to keep chasing you?” 

This time, he looks at you with an intense gaze, saying the words that won’t come out of his lips, with a hint of resentment and despair. You know him too well.

You bite your lip as you try to hold back the tears threatening to escape again. “Because I will, Renjun. Just tell me the words.” 

If anyone could hear you right now, they’d be horrified at how desperate you sound. You, the cheerleading captain, down so bad for a man to the point of begging to let you chase him desperately. You’re so ridiculous that it’s not even funny anymore.

Not that you would care. When it comes to Renjun, you’d do worse.

“Go home.” He spat, turning around just before your eyes started letting go of the tears you’ve been dangerously holding on to.

A dagger through the heart, but you are to blame. You're willing the blade through your own heart.

And you won’t have it any other way.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

Ever since that party, you’ve discovered new courage— much like before.

You went back to baking sweets for Renjun, approaching him any chance you get, and smiling at him at all times. It’s like you were motivated to do things for him again. 

Despite the glares Julie consistently gives you, you can’t find it in you to care. Renjun said it himself, they’re not together yet. He was practically saying you’re welcome to do anything you’d like.

Well maybe you assumed that but tomato, tomáto.

“Oh, hi Birdie. Long time no see, huh?” Jaemin’s smile was the first to greet you as you knocked in their hangout place.

“Hi, Jaemin. Renjun there?” 

“No, but I’d gladly take that cookie off your hands and give it to him.” He nicely takes the box from you.

“Tell him good morning too.” 

Jaemin chuckles and scratches his brow, “Sure thing, sugar.” 

You don’t know what he finds funny, because you were serious. But oh well.

You happily walked back to your department, ready to take on one of your classes. A few waves to some students who greets you, stopping for some who attempt a conversation with you.

You remember what Minnie said, you’re always late because you don’t like ignoring people or saying no to a conversation, it doesn't matter who it is.

But you just really don’t like coming across rude. It feels wrong. 

You were almost at your class when you stumbled upon Renjun walking in the hallway with his earphones on. 

Smiling to yourself, you skip over to his side. All it takes was a soft tap on his shoulder before he takes off his earphones and turns around to look at whoever grabbed his attention.

“Hi, Renjun.” With the sweetest smile you have to offer. 

“You need something?” You felt really giddy hearing his usual cold tone, his voice making you flutter.

“I brought you cookies up at your hangout place but you weren’t there. Jaeminnie took it so you can just get it from him. And oh, good morning!”  

For a quick second, you see irritation across his eyes. Creasing his brows down at you.

“Since when is he ‘Jaeminnie’?” 

Your smile faded, hinting something new at his demeanor. This is new. His tone was something different and the way he looks at you seemed far from what you’re used to.

Is he… no way. 

“Since he..” You shook your head, “Nevermind. It’s freshly baked too so it would be good if you eat it as soon as possible. I don’t want you skipping breakfast or any meals—”

“Junnie.”

You snap your head back, only seeing Julie approaching you two. You almost scowl at her presence but you decide it’s not very nice to do. So you just kept the smile you had before and waved at Julie.

“I thought we’ll meet at the cafe?” Renjun asks, the change in the way he talks was prominent. 

“I figured we should walk together..” The glance Julie gave you was short lived, obviously trying to question why you’re still here. 

And to be honest, you don’t know too. You look pretty stupid standing in a conversation you don’t belong in.

You were about to walk away, when your name got called.

“Y/n!” You turn to see Sungchan, waving at you with a wide smile spread across his face.

“Hey, Sungchan.” You wave back.

He looks at the three of you, but ultimately keeps his focus on you. He seemed to read the room, and when you thought he’d sweep you away, he stood tall.

“Hey, Renjun, Julie. Uh,” he turns to you, “Mr. Hong canceled the class.” 

“Oh really? Okay.” You nod, thinking where you should go. You turn to Renjun who’s looking at Sungchan, visibly irritated by the boy’s sudden appearance. 

“We should go, Injunnie. The cafe could be crowded by the time we get there.” Julie clings onto his side, tugging him slightly. 

“Dream cafe? I heard they’re giving out free croissants! Y/n, we should go with them!” Sungchan, way too enthusiastic as he put his arms around you. You flinch a bit, thinking about Renjun seeing it. 

But when you see him and Julie, you opted to just let it be.

“I don’t—“

“Let’s go!” Sungchan pulls you with him, and you hesitantly walk with him. Renjun lets out a scoff, looking to the side before following. 

“What are you doing?!” You whisper at Sungchan.

“I’m helping you, silly.” He answers quietly, and you wanted to ask for an explanation on how this is helping you, but you were greeted by a student walking by.

“What’s your order?” A lovely barista greeted Julie.

“Spanish Latte for me, Injunnie?” Iced Jasmine Tea. You silently whisper to yourself.

“Iced Jasmine Tea.” You smirk to your triumph. Little wins matter! 

“Psh, simp.” You heard Sungchan on your side, you immediately elbowed him on his side. How the heck did he hear you?

“Shut up.” You growl at him, but quickly smile as you look ahead.

“How about our pastries?” You look to the side and there’s deliciously looking treats displayed. You would order one yourself, but you’d already eaten your own baked cookies.

“Cheesecake for me and.. you, Injunnie?” You note the additional pitch Julie adds in her voice whenever she talks to Renjun. She sounds cute. 

“No thanks. I have cookies back at my place.” 

You hitch your breath. Is he.. Is he talking about your cookies? The one you baked for him? Widening your eyes, you look at him in disbelief. Did he just acknowledge your cookies? Oh my god!

“Hi Birdie!” Your trance was cut-off by the barista’s enthusiastic approach, even waving excitedly at you.

“Jesus christ, Even outside the campus people know you?!” Sungchan asks in astonishment. 

“Of course! I love her, she’s like one of the reasons I’m trying out cheerleading next year. That routine you did last summer was so perfect!” The barista gushed on and on, making your cheeks red. 

“I’ll have Iced Americano and she’ll have..” Sungchan looked back at you.

“Caramel Macchiato, please.” You say sweetly, and the barista happily put your order in. You were about to pay cash, but before you could even bring out your wallet, a ping on the cashier.

You look back and see Sungchan smiling like an idiot after tapping his phone. 

“I got that.” You complain.

“I got it first tho.” Sungchan smirked. You open your mouth to retort back, however, Renjun starts walking away— probably to one of the tables. You quickly follow pursuit.

“Hmm, so big game next week, huh?” Julie was the first to initiate the conversation.

“Oh, yeah. Uh, heard you guys are performing at the game?” Sungchan looked at you.

“Ye–”

“Of course. We’re already almost finished with the routine. Just kind of sucks that we had to take a break for no reason.” Julie says in the most oblivious way, as if she just said something casual.

You blink thrice, processing her words. Didn’t you need to take a break because she didn’t do her job causing you to have knee problems? 

 “I’m sorry about that,I just really needed to let my knee relax. But I'm alright now.” You still smiled and took a sip off your coffee. 

“You hurt your knee?” Renjun’s sudden concern made the three of you look at him, but he didn’t even flinch. He’s still waiting for your response.

“Yeah uh, it’s just the usual… not that big of a deal.” You say, words stumbling upon your throat. You’re not used to him being like this. 

“Didn’t I tell you to take a break?” 

“I did…that’s why the practice got held back afew. But I’m fine now!” Your tone was cheerful, hopefully to convince him that you’re really doing okay now. You don’t know where this sudden concern about your well being came from but you’re not complaining either.

However, If looks could kill, Julie might’ve committed murder by now. 

“She’s doing fine now… she’s Birdie, after all.” The sarcasm laced in her words are strong.

The tension was too much to handle, so you excused yourself. 

As soon as you were in the bathroom, you let out a deep breath. You really don’t know how to handle confrontation. When someone’s being obviously rude towards you, you just fold. 

There’s something really wrong with you. You can’t seem to be comfortable with defending yourself, or just straight up calling out people for their rude behavior. You’d rather just sit there and take it. You can’t even curse, for christ sake!

“Y/n.” You look at the mirror, only to see Julie entering the bathroom as well.

She looks upset. Like really, really upset.

“Hey Jul—”

“You know that me and Renjun are a thing, right?” You stop whatever you’re doing, and turn around to really face her. Did she have to lie straight to your face?

“According to him though, there’s nothing going on between you two.” 

“Come on, you’re supposed to be smart. There’s clearly something there.” She rolls her eyes.

“And unless you and him say it verbatim, there’s nothing wrong here.” You shrug your shoulders.

“Are you hearing yourself? You sound ridiculous. What’s not clicking, y/n? Renjun hates you. He finds you annoying. He probably thinks you’re a desperate bi—”

“Julie, get the fuck out of my face. I’m not gonna say it twice,” 

She let out a small gasp. You were shocked as well. You can’t believe that just came out of your mouth. You inhale and close your eyes, exhaling when you look at her.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. But if you could just… just leave, please.” 

“You’re gonna regret this, Birdie.” You can see that she meant the threat, and you can’t help but to feel anxious. You were about to question it but she walked out before you could do so.

When you go back to the table, Renjun and Julie are long gone. Apparently, Julie went on about feeling sick, and Renjun had to go with her. 

“I really don’t get it, y/n. You really like that man? He’s clearly interested in Julie. And not to mention, he treats you like shit.” Sungchan was perplexed, to say the least.

You just gave him an apologetic smile and continued sipping your coffee. You’re tired of convincing people on why you’re into him. 

They don’t need to understand. As long as it makes sense to you and Renjun, that’s enough.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

Game night.

NCU vs SHU. Two universities that've been butting heads all year. Jeno leads the NCU neocats, whilst Dino leads the SCU ravens. You’re all in for NCU, of course. 

The gymnasium was packed. The first game was on your campus, opening its gates for both universities for tonight’s game. 

It’s always exciting, the marching band started playing, indicating that the game is about to start. 

“Alright, guys! Warm up!” Coach Evie calls. You quickly sit on the grass, stretching your legs, reaching it with your fingertips.

Everybody else was stretching as well. But you can’t help but feel the daggers that've been throwing at you ever since practice. 

Julie has been glaring at you. And you can’t help but feel anxious. You pull Minnie to the side.

“Switch main base with me?” You ask nicely.

“That would ruin the routine, Birdie. Why would you want to switch anyways?” She questions, kind of confused at your sudden request.

“I don’t feel secure with some of my support. It’s only for the toss, Minnie.” You didn’t want to say Julie’s name, careful not to single her out. But you also feel bad pertaining to all your main bases when they didn’t do anything at all.

“Oh, is it that bitch Julie? What happened? You want me to beat the lights out of her? Because I will—”

“You know what, nevermind. I hate that you resort to violence for anything, Minnie. That’s not very nice.”  

Maybe you’re just paranoid. Julie won’t intentionally ruin your routine. She won’t.

Minnie kissed her teeth, putting her hands on her hips. “I know that you know switching main bases last minute is a horrible idea. You’re the captain, for christ sake. So that means one thing. Julie said something that would make you want to switch. I will keep an eye on her, don’t worry. If she tries shit, I will fuck her up, okay? Now go, captain. We’re about to start.” Minnie hugged you tight, stepping away after just to fix your bow. 

You’re really glad you have Minnie. You wouldn’t know what to do without her.

You glance around the bleachers, finding someone that would definitely soothe your overthinking brain. 

And there he was, in the midst of the busy crowd, looking graceful as always as he sat in between Haechan and Jaemin. It’s like seeing him made you calm down. The effect of his presence made you relax. 

And as soon as he connects his sight to yours, he sighs. You thought he’d just look away, but he smiled. Mouthing the words, ‘Goodluck, Birdie’

You felt your chest burst, instantly nodding at him. You didn’t even think about it when you whispered the words you have always wanted to say.

‘I love you’ 

And then he visibly froze. But before he could react, Coach Evie called you.

You didn’t have a choice but to bring your attention back to the squad.

“Birdie, lead the squad. Alright, everybody. Finish the routine safely and perfectly. This is just the beginning. The real competition is the next game, the National Cheerleading Competition executives will be here as judges— they will pick a winner between you and Scarlet Heart. But that doesn’t mean y’all can slack on this one, alright?” Coach Evie really needs to work on her pep talk. 

You sigh, shaking your entire body to loosen up. You were about to go into position when you noticed the entire squad looking at you.

“Whatchu wanna say, captain?” Minnie smiles at you, and you realize they’re waiting for you to say something. 

“Oh, right, uh–” You clear your throat, “Cheer like it's your last?” You were unsure, and so as everybody, but Minnie, being the ever sweetheart that she is, she clapped and cheered. 

As the announcer yelled for the NCU Squad, the familiar feeling rushed through your body. The adrenaline starts to creep in and you get high in the feeling. Everytime you perform, you get the chills that you have always craved. Like this was your calling. Like this has always been what you’re meant to do.

The music started, and you swore you had nothing on your mind. Your body moves on its own and it somehow perfect every single step. It was more of a reflex by this point, every position, every beat tatted in your brain. 

But then there comes the part where you get tossed in the air. And although you memorized everything in the back of your head, this particular moment was extremely dangerous. You get tossed almost nine feet up in the air, and everything goes once it’s executed. So it’s natural to get nervous, however something’s not right.

You don’t have time to figure it out, the crowd already hyping you up. They know the climax of the routine, and that’s when the air lifts are performed. And you’re usually the person who gets thrown– so they know when it’s your turn.

“Birdie, Birdie, Birdie!” 

You take a deep inhale, before starting to climb up on a couple of bases.You glance at the bleachers, finding your courage from one person but he isn’t where he’s at earlier. You didn’t have time to think about it, and on two counts, the bases started to gain momentum. And just right before you get thrown, you look at a pair of eyes that made your blood run cold.

The rage behind Julie’s eyes was evident. You performed the pose in the air, executed it perfectly, but when you’re about to land, everyone went silent.

Julie stepped back from her spot, causing you to land on your injured knee immediately the pain made you lose your balance. 

A sharp, stabbing sensation shot through your leg. A searing pain lanced through your knee, buckling your leg. You hold it in place as you process the entire situation.

Everybody was silent. It felt like a slow motion, most of your squad immediately running to you. You can’t breathe. The initial shock felt like a dagger through the heart. Your jaw slacks, as you look at Julie running away from the field. 

Minnie immediately shook you from your trance, and that’s when you looked at her. The pain has gotten worse when you snap back to reality. You felt your entire cheerleading career crumble in your hands. The tears follow through as you look up at Minnie.

“Minnie, I’m done..” You can’t believe it. “Oh my god, I’m done.” 

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

A few years back

“Huang Renjun, you’re close with him, right?” Giselle asked.

“Yeah..” You hesitantly say. You saw her look back at Ningning, and they both smirked at each other.

“I was just asking.” Giselle shrugged, and even though you were sure that there’s underlying meaning behind her question. 

It has been about three months since you got in the cheerleading squad, and to be honest, it has been underwhelming. Giselle rarely calls for practice, but she’s always in cheer uniform. She also only has very limited rotation between the team, mostly her, Ningning, and Yiren always in the center. 

You? You were always at the back. Which you never complained about, because Giselle is the captain for a reason, what she says, goes. And you’re a newbie, there’s no room for complaints, especially from you. 

“What happened? Why’d she call you?” Renjun’s soft voice instantly turns your mood up. He waited at the parking lot, leaning on his car as he watched you walk towards him. 

As soon as you close the distance he smiles warmly, then proceeds to fix the hair that was all over your face, and tucks into your ear.

“She just asked a question,” You didn’t lie, technically. You just withhold a minor detail.

“Ready for tonight?” He smiles warmly at you. You nod excitingly at him.

Renjun promised to take you out on a ‘friendly’ date tonight. It’s one of his ways to make it up for the time he lost with you. You swear to him that he didn’t need to do all this, but he insisted that you come with this ‘date’ tonight. 

You didn’t want to expect anything, but it’s hard not to when you’re literally head over heels with Renjun. A little assuming won’t hurt, sometimes.

“Are you sure I don’t need to change my clothes?” You pat down your pleated skirt, a bit conscious about your outfit. You were only wearing an oversized knitted sweater– and your everyday sneakers for this ‘date’. 

Renjun is also rocking a casual outfit, but he still looks dashing. It's honestly not fair.

“No, I promise you,  you look good in anything.” 

There’s also a change in how Renjun talks to you. He talks to you with a bit of… flirting? You didn’t want to assume anything, again, but being delusional naturally is registered in your system. 

You didn’t know where Renjun was taking you, but you didn’t care as long as you’re with him. Nothing could make this man look bad in your books. 

When the car stops, your hand moves to the car door, but Renjun held your wrist. 

“Come on, you don’t need to open the door for me.” You chuckle a bit, finding his chivalry cute.

“No, we don’t even need to leave the car.” You furrow your brows at him. As you turn your eyes on the front, you get suddenly blinded by a cinema sized LED screen.

You hitch your breath as the familiar movie starts.

“Bring It On!” You squeal, fascinated and somewhat perplexed as to how Renjun got this drive in cinema play a movie from the 2000s.

You turn to him with, corners of your mouth going up. He smiled back, reached at the backseat— and suddenly, a bouquet of yellow tulips separated your eyes from him. 

You can’t help but blink rapidly, trying to make sense of it all. Is this an actual date? Not a friendly one? Whatever is going on right now, one thing’s for sure, you’re loving every second of it.

The movie started, and it feels like you’re straight out of a novel. However, as you try to relax, your fingers brush against his, and you swear you felt a slight spark. 

At this very moment, the movie is long forgotten. All your undivided attention is on the way your skin feels hot, and your focus is on how to initiate more contact with Renjun.

“Want something to eat?” He asks softly, glancing at you with the sweetest eyes you could ever imagine.

“Not exactly that,” you let out an awkward chuckle and shifted in your seat.

“What’s the problem?” God, he’s so oblivious, you just want to jump his bones right now. You shake your head off with the dirty thoughts.

“Why– why’re we doing this? Why are you doing this, Renjun?” You gather courage to actually address the elephant in the room.

His jaw slacks but he swiftly kept his composure. “I thought you’d want to finish the movie first—”

“I’ve watched that movie 54 times. I could probably cite the next dialogue without thinking. So what is it, Renjunnie?” 

He gulps one time, before he starts fidgeting with his hands. “I love you, y/n. I have loved you for a long time now and I was a coward because I had thought that a loser like me didn’t have the right to want you. So I gained my confidence, tried befriending other people to gain popularit–” Before he could even finish, you threw the bouquet on the back seat of his car and grabbed his collar. Next thing you know is you’re already making out with him on the passenger seat and you did not care about anything else.

You pulled away, breathless, “I love you too, Renjun.” 

You could not take your hands off of each other as soon as you entered his apartment. He shared it with a guy named Donghyuck, but he was out tonight, which you thanked the heavens for.

“Y/n,” He whispers your name every chance he gets, which is not much since your lips are connected at every moment ever since you stepped foot in this apartment.

You didn’t want to rush things with him, but you just felt like this was the right moment. This was the perfect timing. He’s the right person to do this with.

He kissed you hard, but softly at the same time. It was like you were drowning, but you didn’t mind it. 

“Shit,” curses sounded heavenly when it came from his mouth, turning you on even more.

You didn’t even realize you were already in the confinement of his bedroom, until the back of your knees hit the edge of his bed. You let your balance loose, allowing yourself to lay back on the mattress. 

He looked at you in a way that made your spine shiver, your entire body burning with desire. 

“Are you sure about this?” He carefully asks as he lowers himself to tower over you. You look at him with the same passion and nod your head. “I’m always sure about you.” You take his lips once more.

You can tell he was hesitant to touch places you wanted his hands on. So you take the lead, grabbing his nervous hands and placing it on your breast. “Please touch me,” 

His jaw slackens, a new sensation traveling down his body. “I’-I’m sorry, I haven’t done this before.” He stuttered, but you just bit your lip.

“I haven’t either. We’ll be each other’s first,” You smile reassuringly at him, caressing his cheek as he looks at you warily. 

He started to massage your breast, whilst his lips traveled down your neck. You can feel your stomach flutter at the feeling, never expecting such a move would make you go crazy. He then looks at you again, holding the hem of your shirt, almost as if asking permission. You gazed over at him with lust that you knew he got the message.

He lifted it up, and in every skin that gets exposed, he blessed it with his lips. The wetness of it  makes your breath hitch. “Renjun, please.” 

He pulled your sweater up until you’re now only left with your bra. He slowly reaches at your back, which you helped by arching, and with a snap, your bra falls undone. 

The cold breeze around your nipples did not last long because as soon as his eyes fell down, his lips attached to one of the peaks. You shudder, gripping his hair, gently pulling it. You’re a moaning mess.

“Touch me more,” You managed to blurt out. He seemed to understand, with the way his hands traveled down your skirt. Still making out with your exposed breast, paying attention one after another, he started playing with your panties. 

“Fuck, you’re so wet already.” He felt the dampness over the cloth, directing his middle finger on the slit. You gasp in pleasure, flinching every time he explored further. 

“Jun,” You whine when he starts pulling down your skirt, along with your panties. His jaw opens slowly as he looks at you with hunger behind his eyes, but the softness of adoration still present at his expression. You clench at the sudden coldness but he didn’t allow you to suffer any further as he moved fast and removed his own clothing.

“Shit, baby you’re fucking gorgeous.” 

He parted your thighs and squished himself in between, his member hitting your core ever  so slightly. But the thought of it drives you nuts, and it takes all of you to not do anything about it. He went back to making out with you as his hands do wonders.

“Uh, my gosh.” You inhale once his fingers start rubbing your pussy, trying to steady your hands on his body. He pulls away just to watch you fall apart in his hands.

He bites his lip as his fingers started moving down, where your hole is. “I’m.. I’m gonna finger you first, okay?” He asks ever so carefully, and it’s obvious that he’s also as nervous as you are.

“Okay, baby. I trust you.” 

And just then, he applied pressure and eventually entered you, making you flinch a bit. He moans with you, a foreign feeling enveloping at his fingertips. This is the first time he had ever touched somebody, and he can already tell that you’re the best.

“R-Renjun.” You whine as he starts moving in and out. ]

“Fuck, fuck you’re dripping, oh-” He takes a glance at your wet core, where his middle finger disappears. He pushed another finger in and you swore you almost felt like you’re coming.

You see his other hand leave your breast, moving it down his own body and you just knew what he was going to do. You swiftly take his hand away and replace it with yours. You knew enough from videos, ones that were shown to you by your former friends. 

He muttered out a deep groan once you made contact with his cock, immediately moving your hands in the same rhythm he does with his own fingers. 

You never knew it would feel this good. The look in his face, the way his mouth slackens and the way he falls vulnerable on your touch felt dangerously addicting. 

There was a strange feeling on your stomach, like a thread that’s waiting to snap. Like you were about to explode. “Renj– oh, I’m.. I think I’m coming,” 

You cry at the feeling, making him work even harder. He licks his lips as he went faster, and you can just feel your body shake. Your hands can no longer move, and in the next moment, you felt euphoria. You were shaking, grabbing at his wrist, trapping it in between as you rode the wave of pleasure.

“That was so fucking hot, baby.. God I can just cum right here.” He says, now trying to calm you down. He placed a kiss on your forehead and whispered ‘good job’. Your eyes are still closed when he positioned himself on top of you, the tip of his cock aligning in your entrance.

“You ready?” He asks, moving his tip up and down your slit. You nod, even when tired, you’re still filled with eagerness. 

“I need to feel you now,” You say. He gave you a peck on your lips and just when you know it, he started to stretch you out.

And it hurts. It hurts so bad, but it's so good. 

“It hurts,” You just couldn’t believe how painful it was. Yes, you knew it would sting a bit, but not like this. You almost wanted to stop right there but when you felt him shiver, and hear him moan, everything washed off. 

“I’-I’m sorry baby, fuck you’re gonna make me cum.” He says, whining even louder than you. He cages your head with both his forearms, making you look up at him, and him only. 

“I love you, I love you, I love you.” He says, tears on the edge of his eyes. 

“I love you so much,” You whisper. Swiftly, by looking at his eyes, the pain subsided. “You can move now, baby.” 

He nods and in every thrust he makes, the pain slowly turns to pleasure. Like magic, it dissipates into thin air, only replaced with the pure euphoric feeling. 

Your tears were one of those tears that came from pleasure, and that pleasure not only derives from him fucking you, but also from the fact that it’s him you’re doing this with. The boy you love the most.

“I can’t, baby. I can’t last, you feel too fucking good.” He whined in your ear, embracing you so tight that you might’ve broken a rib, not that you’d care. 

You hugged him back, “It’s okay, baby. Let go.” 

“Ah, ah— shit, I love you. I love you, y/n. Please tell me you— fuck —love me too.”

You were there with him, both your climax approaching fast, even faster when he called your name. “I love you so much, my baby, my Huang Renjun.” 

You both came, looking at each others eyes. He dived down to kiss you torridly, caressing your hair. 

And with that intense state of pleasure and love, you hold him like you’ve never before. 

Everything was perfectly in place for you, and you’ve never been happier. 

You’re achieving your dream of becoming a cheerleader, and your dream of being with your first love, Huang Renjun. It all seemed dandy, until Giselle asked you to stay behind practice.

“You know Theo? The main base? Yeah, he likes you, y/n.” At the end of the practice, Giselle and Ningning basically cornered you. You had no idea about what they were talking about— one thing’s for sure, you’re not interested.

“I don’t like him like that.. and besides, I have a—”

“And our Ningning here likes Renjun. So I suggest giving her a chance, yeah?” Giselle crossed her arms across her chest, lifting her brows.

You were puzzled. You and Renjun just officiated your relationship last night, how can they ask you this? Your breathing quickens.

“I-I— Giselle, what are you saying? He’s my boyfriend,” Your voice started to shake. 

“Don’t piss me o—” Ningning rolled her eyes at you and even attempted to lunge at you, making you flinch but Giselle blocked her.

“Nings,” Giselle reprimanded before staring back at you again.

“You know that cheerleading is all about sisterhood, right, y/n?” Her voice was ice cold, her eyes making you shiver. The Giselle you idolized was long gone, only replaced by this cold hearted person.

“I—”

“But it’s fine. However, you can’t just turn down Theo like that, right? He’s been talking about you nonstop, and to be honest, I like him as my brother. So, be kind and meet him at the back of the gym tonight. You can do that, right?” Her attitude screamed authoritative, but also soft, as if to trick you into manipulation. She didn’t let her smile fade while waiting for your answer.

You shake your head, “I will talk to him when I want to, Giselle. But I don’t think its a good idea—”

“Do you think it’s a good idea to go against the cheer captain? You'll see him after this. And you better not tell Renjun. Or else, I’ll kick you out of the team.” 

You were in a state of shock. You feel highly strung, why is she being like this? Threatening to kick you out because you refuse to obey her nonsense order? 

You couldn’t say anything when they left. You were conflicted on so many levels. 

When you become Captain, you will never be like her. You’ll be better, in every conceivable way. 

But now that you’re still starting, you can’t do much. So you followed her. Convincing yourself that nothing worse will happen. You'll just have to talk with Theo, that’s it.

[6:34pm] injunnie <3: baby are u done? meet me @ the parking lot

Your fingers shake, typing out a lie. You cannot fathom lying to him, but still, you did. 

[6:35pm] you: hi babyy <3 uhm, not yet. i need to practice a few stunts :(( i’ll just text u, ok?

[6:35pm] injunnie <3: ok baby. see u later! love u :*

You brush your hand across your hair. Not even a day in your relationship, and you’re already lying to him about meeting a guy. You felt horrible. 

Yet, here you are, standing a few feet away from Theo.

“Hi, y/n.” He was smiling at you, but you felt uncomfortable. He started walking towards you rather aggressively, to the point that your legs started to step away backwards. 

There was a measure of anxiety spread all over your face, however, you still managed to talk. 

“Giselle told me–”

“She’s right, y/n. I asked her to help me. And I’m glad you decided to talk about this–” 

Your brows knitted together, but you thought that maybe he had a wrong impression about you coming here to talk to him. “Actually, Theo, I have a boyfriend.” 

He froze, smile fading, his expression accenting his confusion. You almost felt bad, but in a swift moment, his lips stretched into a smirk and leaned his head to the right. “Well, you could just give me a lil’ kiss then, right?”

Your lips ajar, brows furrowed as you try and process what you’ve just heard. Deeply offended, you attempt to call him out on his brazen request, but he continues.

“Giselle would be so mad to hear that you can’t even give me a single kiss, y/n. She loves me, and if I told her how selfish you are, she’d have no problem banning you from cheerleading up until college. She has connections, y/n.” 

All other words suddenly fled your mind. Theo’s basically blackmailing you into cheating. Your nose wrinkled in disgust upon his words, but you can’t seem to say anything. Heart beats intensely as you weigh the choice you need to make in this situation.

“Giselle won’t–” 

“Oh she will. You’re outshining her in the squad and she’d be more than happy to make up a reason to ban you. Come on, y/n. Your boyfriend doesn’t need to know.” 

You’d be forbidden to join up until college. You wouldn’t be able to cheer ever again. 

He takes a step forward, this time, rooted in your place, you feel your stomach twist. Your eyes burned in tears. Theo’s touch burned, and you gulped as his palm laid on your cheek. 

You couldn’t move. Your skin tingles, heart rapidly beating within your chest as your breathing grows tighter. 

He doesn’t have to know. Renjun wouldn’t know.

At the moment his lips touched yours, you knew you made a mistake. You felt disgusted, you can’t find it in you to respond.

 “Kiss me fucking properly.” He growls. You clench your fist, and tighten your eyes as you kiss him back despite the tremble of your lips due, a wave of revulsion swept through your entire body. 

You’re cheating on Renjun for your dream of being a cheerleader. 

Then there was a terrifying moment when you feel someone else being present in this vile affair that you’re forced to partake in. You open your tear filled eyes and right there and then, your whole world shatters.

There he was, the love of your life, standing a few feet away. Behind him was Ningning, sporting a smirk as if she’d won. Your mind tells you to step away, run to Renjun, and beg for forgiveness. But your fear overshadowed you, staying right where you were, slowly digging your own grave.

His eyes were poisonous to even look upon, so much hatred tainted in his mind. You knew he’d hate you, no, he’d despise you. And nothing breaks your heart even more than seeing him walk away.

You immediately pushed Theo, and landed a sharp slap across his face. Tears surged in uncontrollably as you slowly realize that you’d already lost the only person you loved. 

Whatever it takes, huh?

You see Theo leave, and when it’s just you and the overflowing guilt alone, that’s when your legs give out. You sat there, clutching your hand on your chest as you cried, desperately wiping your lips until they hurt. 

In the quiet moments that followed, the only sound was the echoing resonance of guilt, regret, and shame.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ 

“Ruptured patellar tendon on your knee, Ms. Y/N. Unfortunately you’ll have to undergo physical therapy, and most likely, you'll never be able to perform in cheerleading indefinitely.” 

You felt like a bucket of ice cold water was just poured all over you. You stared at nothingness, hoping all of this was just a dream. 

Why should this even happen to you? Is it karma? If it is, isn’t this too much of a punishment? 

You cried and cried until your eyes dried up, having to accept the fact that at the age of 22, your dream was snatched away from you.

Was it cruel? Yes, absolutely. Did you deserve it? Arguable. 

Cheerleading was the only thing you know, and now it’s off the table. It was as though a veil of sadness had been draped over your eyes, distorting your perception of the world and casting everything in shades of gray. What are you supposed to do now?

A swarm of support follows you on the third day of your hospitalization, and you swear you’re grateful for all of them, however, you can’t seem to find gratitude for any of them.

Most of the cards called you Birdie, and how are you supposed to live up to the name if your wings were broken off? You’re no longer Birdie, and the only remaining sentiment that name carries is sadness and disappointment.

“I beat her up, you know?” Minnie says one time she visited you.

You look at her in shock. A laugh traveled through her, “Not ‘beat’, actually. I just landed a few on her face. Nobody in the squad snitched, because they knew she deserved it. Her boyfriend seemed mad about it tho,” 

For the first time in a while, you thought about Renjun. Your mind was in a different space the entire time that you forgot about him. He wasn’t there when the incident occured and it would be possible if he didn’t know what happened. 

“Does he know?” Your voice was scratched, and a glint of hope laced in your tone.

“I don’t think he knew of the severity of the injury, and I’m sure that bitch already switched up the story. He’s a dumbass.”

“He wasn’t there, he didn’t see what happened. I’m sure he’s–”

Minnie snapped, raising her voice. “Oh for fuck’s sake, Birdie. Stop defending him! You should get your mind off of him. It’s pissing me off that despite what happened, you still find a way to give people the benefit of a doubt. And I bet you don’t even blame Julie, you’d rather blame yourself,” She’s right. Not that you’re not mad about what Julie did, but you’re more so empty. You don’t know what to feel, and even debated if you deserved it or not.

You sink more on your seat in shame. “Please, learn to be mad. Learn to be angry, and hold people into accountability. Not everyone deserves a second chance.” 

That made you think, not only about this entire ordeal, but also the past. Not everyone deserves a second chance.

Does that mean you too? With what you did with Renjun? Did you not deserve a second chance?

Maybe you’re too nice because you’re overcompensating for what you did to get what you had. And now you’ve had your time, it was cruelly snatched from you. 

Maybe that dream wasn’t yours to begin with.

And maybe, Renjun wasn’t meant to be yours, too.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

Renjun felt uneasy. There’s something weird about the atmosphere that night of the game. 

Before your performance that night, he had to take a call from his mom, asking him to come home for a favor. He was conflicted, because although he masked it greatly, he did liked watching you perform. 

However, he thought that you still had a final performance in the next game, which was twice as important than that night so he just opted to leave before the game. 

The next morning, he was overwhelmed by Julie’s tears. 

“M-Minnie, that fucking bitch beat me up!” She screams, pointing at the slight bruising at her temple.

He heard about the incident last game, and it killed him to get the news that you were injured, again. The last time that happened, he almost wanted to take you home and take care of you properly. Yet, something in him always reminds him that you chose this career.

You chose this over him. 

But Renjun wouldn’t lie if he said that he didn’t feel bad about Julie right now. From what he has heard, the entire thing was an accident. Julie did not deserve to be hurt physically, at least that’s what he thought at first.

Julie had become a close friend of his, quickly forming a bond with shared interest in some things. Julie’s really pretty as well, and even though Renjun doesn’t care about that stuff, he’s sure as hell won’t deny the truth. 

He tried, he really did. Julie was a perfect partner, and she seemed sweet and kind, one of the qualities Renjun liked about her. So, yes. Maybe he did plan to be with her, at least sleep with her. 

But when he saw your pain stricken face in that elevator, he was suddenly unsure.

“Why did you have to put your hands on her?” He asks Minnie calmly. He had no intention confronting her, he just wanted to know the reason and she happened to walk past him.

She stared back at him with a cold grin, “That bitch deserved more.” 

For some odd reason, Renjun didn’t say anything after that. Rather, he’d questioned why Minnie did it to that extent, why is she so angry that she’d resort to violence.

It wasn’t until the day before your big performance that Renjun started to worry. It has been more than a week and he still hasn’t seen you.

He snuck out from classes just to peek at the cheerleading practice and you weren’t there. Not in your usual classes, hallways or cafeteria where he’s usually seen you. 

Out of sheer desperation, he asked Julie.

“What happened at the last game?”

He saw a glimpse of fear run through her eyes when it widened upon hearing his question.

“I told you, It was an accident.” Julie’s tone was defensive.

There’s a voice inside Renjun’s head, saying to not trust her. 

For the reason being that you’d never not show up in your classes, even with simple injury. Sure, you’d skip practice for a few days but you’d be back on your feet the next day. Especially with an event like this.

His worry grew, now stressing on why you’re still not around. It’s the final game, and you should be here, if not to cheer, but atleast watch your squad. You’d always done that. So why are you still not around?

He curses at himself for caring about you this much. He felt like he betrayed himself, his own morals and beliefs because he should not care about you anymore. Afterall, you cheated on him. No matter how nice you are, no matter how much you claim that you’ve changed. There’s no way he could just forget the pain he went through.

So why is he standing outside the field, waiting on any of your friends to show up and ask them where you’ve been? 

“Where’s your captain?” He asks the first person he saw wearing the squad uniform.

“Oh, she’s almost here, wait, there she is!” Sunghoon says pointing at the back. 

A wave of relief washed over Renjun. Shit, you’re okay. You’re here. 

But when he turns around, he sees Minnie. He furrows his brow, quite perplexed as to why he’s pointing at Minnie when he knows damn well she’s not the captain of cheerleading.

“If you’re here to ask where’s Julie, I kicked that bitch out. Sorry,” She sneered at him.

He almost yells that he’s not here for Julie. He couldn't care less about her. He’s here for you.

“You’re.. You’re not the captain. Where’s y/n?” 

Minnie’s smirk faded, as if his question shifted the mood. “You really don’t know, huh?”

He felt the first thump in his chest. “What?”

“Better ask her yourself.” 

With that, she left Renjun hanging. He couldn’t try and stop Minnie, asking her for any explanation because he felt like he was going to explode.

His lips fell ajar, as everything clicked.

You had an injury, and right after that you didn’t go to any of your practice, then Julie got kicked out and now Minnie’s replaced you as the captain.

He covers his mouth in realization, adding another layer of fear. He needs to find you.

Fortunately, Renjun doesn’t need to walk far. He had heard that you’re in the premises to watch the game, and the first place he had thought of was the gymnasium.

He finds you, sitting alone on the bleachers with a pair of pompoms on your side. You weren’t wearing your uniform.

“Y/n,” He whispers, yet the resonance of his voice echoes. He approaches you carefully, assessing the entire situation. He wants to be there for you, but he doesn’t want to force you if you want to be alone.

You look up at him, and when his eyes meet yours, he can just hear his heart break. You looked defeated. You look tired.

“Why aren’t you in uniform, Birdie?” He asks softly. Deep inside Renjun, he knew why. But he can’t accept it. Not when this is your life. Not when he knows it’ll break you to give up.

You slowly shake your head helplessly at him, on the verge of despair. Gripping both your hands on your knees, like you’re holding yourself together. 

“The game’s about to start–”

“I can’t, Renjun, I can’t dance anymore.” He takes a huge breath after hearing your voice break, and he takes two huge steps to reach you. He kneels before you, grabbing your cold hands. 

“There has got to be another way, baby. We’ll get you the best doctor out th–”

“I’m done with cheerleading, Renjun. I.. I can’t even fucking walk properly!” You broke down in front of him, and he swore he’d never felt so horrible in his life. His own tears betrayed him, but he doesn't care. When you, his entire world, is falling apart in his hands.

He pulls you in a tight embrace, letting you wet his shirt completely. Caressing your hair as he attempts to calm you, but in his mind, he’s also hanging by a thread– seeing you like this, completely giving up, breaks him to his core.

“What do I do now, Renjun? What–” you sobbed in between your words, and he bit his lip hearing you like this. It hurts him so much to see you like this. He closes his eyes, gently trying to soothe your shaking shoulders.

“I’m so sorry, my baby.” He whispers, kissing the top of your head repeatedly. 

At this moment, Renjun swears in his grave, that he will never forgive whoever did this to you.

And if your sweet smile never comes back after this, all hell will break loose. Because he’s never afraid of his own scars, but yours? Oh, that’s his deepest, darkest fear.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

Neo Culture University Newsblog

“NCU’s Top Cheerleader, the captain of NCU Squadron, the first ever cheerleader to perform the highest basket toss in NCU cheerleading history, Y/N, L/N, famously known as The Bird, announces her departure from the squad after the incident at the first game between NCU vs SHU. 

Also known as Birdie, had suffered a career ending injury after falling whilst performing a routine last Thursday night. It was announced by the cheer committee that Hwang Youngmin will be replacing her as a captain of the squad.

Furthermore, investigations involving a former cheerleader who’s accused of sabotaging the Cheer Captain’s career, causing her to retire from cheerleading. Foul play is suspected, and we’ll be reporting more on it soon. So far, it has been confirmed that said cheerleader is now kicked out of the squad. Updates soon.”

Renjun is filled with nothing but rage.

That was your dream. That was your everything. And just for… a fucking bitch to ruin it all for you?

“Calm down, man. I’m sure the school will handle it.” Jeno, ever the mediator says. This was the first time his friends saw him this fuming.

“No. Fuck no. I want that bitch out of this school.” Renjun was adamant about kicking Julie out. He’d do everything in his power to make sure she didn’t step foot on this campus ever again. 

“Are we even sure about what happened—” Haechan attempts to cut in on the conversation but a sharp look from Renjun made him freeze.

“Do I look like I care? Accident or not, I’ll make sure she suffers. I’ll make up a dumb fucking reason, anything, to get her kicked out. I’ll fund the fucking investigation against her. I’ll make sure she pays for it. Whatever it takes.” His voice was dangerously calm. Every word carrying weight, every threat sounded like a promise.

It doesn’t matter to him now. He could lie and tell everybody he hates you, but nobody could ever hurt you like this. Not on his watch.

You could cheat on him a million times but he’ll never be angry enough to let this happen to you. Not when you were once his everything — not when you’re once his lifeline. Everyone else doesn’t matter. 

When it comes to you, he’d do worse.

Haechan, Jeno and Jaemin looked at each other, worried about what Renjun would do. They had never seen him filled with this much rage. It was horrifying, the lengths he’s willing to take for you. 

And deep inside, they knew that behind the cold exterior he always treated you with, is a man who is still deeply in love with you. 

Also, one common knowledge among them is never to mess with Renjun.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

“Thank you, Ms. Lin! See you next monday,” You waved goodbye to your therapist, as you went out for your weekly physical therapy. 

After the surgery, it was really hard to adjust. You needed to use clutches for what it feels like forever, and there were restrictions that you needed to follow. The school granted you a scholarship, which was really awesome to hear. At least that was taken care of.

“Baby,” 

You look up front to see Renjun waiting for you in his car. You smiled at him and waved excitedly. He runs up to you, swiftly taking your bag with him.

“Right on time, impressive.” You sneer at him. He grabs your hand and hooks it over his arm. 

“I was here fifteen minutes early, baby.” He winks at you, giving you a light peck on the lips. You giggled, watching him open the car door for you. You put your injured knee first, before sitting with your entire body. 

“Where are we going?” You ask. He didn’t tell you about the plans today, but you didn’t bother to ask either. You just assumed he would take you back to his apartment and you’ll just burn a hole in his couch watching netflix the rest of the day.

You can never really pinpoint on when you and Renjun decided to get back together, or at least you think you’re back together. Ever since that day at the gymnasium, Renjun never left your side. You didn’t dare ask him what’s going on, afraid to ruin whatever it is.

You sat there, a bit uncertain on why Renjun still hasn’t started the car. You turn to him, looking for any reason as to why he just sat there gripping the steering wheel.

“Giselle called today,” He exhaled.

You widen your eyes in aghast. That’s a name you’ve never heard before. Or more accurately, that’s a name you wished to never hear of ever again. 

Nonetheless, you guessed this topic should be discussed sooner or later. You can’t always avoid the inevitable, hiding from the ghosts from the past. And you believe that the both of you are much more grown now to handle it  maturely.

“She saw the article, apparently. And uh, she told me.. Well, everything.” You take a deep breath.

You clear your throat and nodded, calculating on how you should go about the conversation. You’ve rehearsed begging him for forgiveness a thousand times before, however, you realize that you should just tell him what you feel at the moment. Not some rehearsed bullcrap, because Renjun deserves nothing but the raw truth from you.

“How’s Giselle? I hope they’re doing good,” You start with genuine curiosity. 

Renjun furrows his brows as he looks at you. “Baby, they gave you hell and you still wish them the best? I–I don’t think I can ever forgive them for ruining us, ever.” He claims, grabbing your hand, intertwining it and kissing the back of your palm.

You smile warmly at him. “It’s okay, baby. I’ll forgive them for the both of us.” 

He shook his head, disagreeing. “No. You’ll have to learn how to express anger for people who deserve it. You can’t let them get away every single time. They’d just do it all over again.” 

A semblance of a smile had gently flickered onto your lips as you admired him. “Alright, baby. I’ll try. But good thing you’re with me now, right? You can be the bad cop and I’d be the good cop!” 

Through his serious demeanor, a small smirk threatened to sneak its way on his mouth. 

“And I’m so sorry for treating you like shit. I was deep in my own hateful charade to mask the fact that I still wanted to be with you. I guess I was a puss–”

“Language, baby.” You faked an angry tone, but immediately smiled after. “Besides, I understand. I wouldn’t want to be seen with a person who cheated on–”

“You didn’t, baby. You quite literally had no choice.” He warned. 

“Okay, sure but you also have to let me earn your trust. At the end of the day, I still kissed somebody else when we’re together. But at the same time, I also feel terrible because it seemed like I sacrificed our own relationship for nothing.” 

Everytime you remind yourself of the decision you made when you were young, hurting the person you love, for something that was taken away from you way too soon, makes you feel so stupid. So disappointed in yourself. 

“I trust you with my life, baby. You’re responsible for me now, so don’t you dare leave me again. Okay? I love you.” 

Before you wallow in guilt, Renjun kissed you deeply and passionately. Your lips move in a rhythmic manner, as if it was a melody that played in the silence of your hearts, a song of tenderness and affection. 

“Shit, baby we should go. We’re going to be late,” He pulled away too early, despite your pleas and looked at his wristwatch. 

You turn your head in confusion. Do you have plans today? He didn’t say anything and began to drive. You were sitting in your seat demented, wondering where he’d take you. You try to familiarize the road he’s taking, but you are left clueless.

He stopped at an expensive looking hall, seemingly a restaurant, or an events place, honestly you’re not sure. There's a waitress waiting at the reception. Renjun just says his name, and the woman just nodded and smiled at you. You hesitantly smiled back, and that’s when she guided you inside.

“What is this?” Your heart is now pumping out your chest, as you try to figure out Renjun's plan. 

He just turns to you and puts his index fingers on his lips. The waitress stopped at a double door, knocked five times, odd to say the least, then gestured for Renjun to open the door. 

For a moment, Renjun unlinks your hands from his arms to open the door. And as soon as you took a step inside the dark room, a collective excitement shrieked as the lights turned on. 

“Congratulations, Birdie!” 

Your eyes widened, your mouth fell open as you saw everyone who ever mattered to you greets you with the widest smile as they held their own party prop. The confetti drowns you, but it doesn't baffle you. What touched you the most is your cheer squad, Minnie leading them as she blows the small horn. 

‘Celebrating Y/N “The Bird” L/N’s legacy in NCU Squad’ it says on a banner.

You covered your mouth and immediately broke down, Minnie running to you and hugging you so tight.

“Bitch, you’re gonna make me cry!” She whines as she tries to wipe your tears off your face.

You clutch your chest, being overwhelmed in joy. Sniffing silently as you greet the other people.

“There she is!” You hear Coach Evie emerging from the crowd, embracing you.

“Thank you, Coach.”

“You’re by far the best cheerleader I’ve seen in my career. But I know you’re much better than just being a cheerleader. Please remain as hopeful as you were before, Birdie.” She says, making you sob even more. You murmured more gratitude to her.

“Uh-Uhm.” You look at someone clearing their throat beside you, and you see an awkward Haechan standing there looking at his feet. Renjun harshly nudges him forward to you, Jeno and Jaemin smirking behind him.

“I apologize for my behavior, and I regret everything I have said that’s hateful towards you. I wish we could get along and be friends. And again, I’m sorry.” He says, almost robotic, and most people would find it insincere, but you just chuckled.

“Did Renjun ask you to memorize that?” 

“Renjun asked more, actually. He was supposed to kneel, Birdie. Just wait for it..” Jaemin snickers, Jeno laughing at the entire thing.

“Psh. It’s fine, Haechan. I forgive you.” You say in the middle of a laugh, finding it almost adorable how Haechan is scared of Renjun. Somehow, it just makes sense.

It was Jeno’s turn to hug you, “Congrats, Birdie.” He’s always been soft and composed. You always appreciated that about him.

“Come here! Congratulations Birdie!!” Jaemin runs to you and embraces you, spinning you around. You yelp, not expecting it but Renjun quickly holds Jaemin’s shoulder as he pulls you from him.

“Not too much on my girl, dude!” Renjun shouts, as if Jaemin just kidnapped you in broad daylight. Jaemin carefully puts you down, pointing at Renjun with a mischievous smile splattered all over his face.

“Ooh, Is our Renjun jealous?” 

The three of them clowned Renjun on, “It’s just–! She’s injured!” He says in defense. 

As much as you want to watch him have fun with his friends, you’re afraid what’s on your mind can’t wait any longer.

“Baby,” You gently pull at his hand. He whipped his head towards you quickly.

You caress his furrowed brows, smoothing it then caressing his cheeks. In the middle of the chaos, the noise and the sea of people, you looked at him as if you two were the only people in the room.

His eyes fill your chest with warmth, the familiarity of his touch calming your soul, and the comfort of his smile soothes your entire wellbeing. He is your solace, and you won’t ever fucking do anything to hurt him, ever again. 

“I love you,” You say, silently, eliciting a smile from him. He leans down, kissing you with intensity, almost sparking a flame between the two of you. You hear the crowd cheering, as you two pull away.

“I love you, and you will never be unloved by me. I’m sorry baby but you’re stuck with me. Be my girlfriend again?” He asks loud enough for just the two of you. You nod eagerly, kissing him again.

That’s when you felt the world cheer for your happiness. It’s now clear to you that your happiness is with him. Not with cheerleading, not with anything else. Your dream could change, your future could give you the biggest plot twist ever known to man, but one thing’s for sure. 

Just as long as you’re with Renjun, you’re gonna be okay.

To: My dearest Renjun,

I will love you in this lifetime, and the next, because forever doesn’t seem enough. My love, you’re worth it all. xoxo

-y/n

-end-

[winsmoke]

Wow, I love the way you structured this story. Initially, I was weary because of y/n's persistence & her people-pleasing nature. There's a fine line between being an admirer & harassment and y/n was crossing it. But the way you drip fed the backstory was so incredible. I actually felt, as a reader, that I was more like Haechan than the y/n, skeptical & judgemental. I also did not like Jaemin at first because he was encouraging her (perceived?) harassment.

Y/n is a complex character, she was almost annoyingly kind and a die-hard people-pleaser. It made her extremely flawed (especially in communicating) yet charming. Although I do not agree with y/n choices to try and win Renjun back, I grew to like y/n in the end when all of her intentions were made clear. I will say though, like Renjun & Minnie said, I wish that y/n was given space to let herself be angry at someone other than herself. I liked that y/n got really close to being vulnerable when Haechan berates her at the party, it was soooo close. Now that I think about it, maybe Haechan would make a better partner. Since he's so honest with her, it would hopefully compel her to be more honest with others and herself.

The story itself is simple but the way it pushed me to explore and change my mind made the story wonderfully engaging and powerful. Thank you for writing this! There's an unfortunate lack of Renjun angst and this was quite amazing. I would love to know your inspiration & thought process in structuring the story this way.