A letter you’ll never get
I figured I should share this since I love how it turned out. And I figured some people should read it.
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When you know, you know. I think I knew for a while that something wasn’t right. But I ignored it.
I ignored it for as long as I could and I kept up with the ‘I love you too’ after every phone call, before bed. Maybe if I kept saying it he’ll stay. You can’t force someone to stay, to care, to love. It was healthier for me to leave, to keep my dignity. Or whatever was left of it.
In the end, I just hoped for something better, something real. But it was just something he couldn’t give me and I shouldn’t hold that against him. Maybe he felt the same way, that I couldn’t give him something that he needed.
So here I am. I don’t have anyone calling to go to bed with, no one to say I love you to, no one to text in the morning. There’s an emptiness that’s in the perfect shape of him and it’s going to stay like that for a while. My mother always said you never forget your first love. That pisses me off because all I want to do right now is forget him. To forget all the memories, good or bad. To forget the way his voice sounded when he just woke up, the sound of his snores in the darkness, his laugh, or how happy he sounded when I first said ‘I love you’. I wish for a lot of things, and right now I wish he’d call and say that this was a mistake and that he wants to try again, to start over, to keep loving me.
But that’s not how life works.
There’s heartbreak for a reason; to keep moving forward, to prevent future mistakes. He wasn’t a mistake, but he was a lesson. He’s the first chapter in a book of lessons and I know I’ll never forget it. He taught me how to love and forgive. He was proof of how amazing God is, that things don’t happen by coincidence. Because finding him wasn’t a coincidence, it wasn’t luck. It was a blessing. He loved me, and I loved him. That was it. That simple. And if those were all the variables at play maybe it would’ve worked out.
But that’s not how life works.
Life is complicated and there are too many variables in play to keep track. And this might just be a way for me to cope with the loss of a lover I never held in my arms but it doesn’t make what we had any less real.
Maybe he’s out right now doing God knows what. Maybe he’s already forgotten about me, maybe he moved on long before everything went to shit, maybe I was the reason, maybe I pushed him away. The fact is we’ll never know and that’s just something we have to live with. Not everyone deserves an explanation because God knows I didn’t deserve a man like him to love me. Not everything is supposed to make sense.
But for now, I’ll keep my mind occupied. I’ll do my homework, keep my head down and smile for everyone. They don’t need to know how I can’t look at my bed without hearing him moan my name or how I wonder if he dreams about my voice at night. Or how I’m crying as I’m writing this. Because it was our love story and I’ll keep the best parts to myself.
