i couldn’t express myself the way i wanted to when i was with you
when i got cross-faded-
i wanted to make sure all of my words were love to you
in the tone, the nuances, and the selectivity
not upfront and in your face… but subtle
and fleeting,
intertwined in the seamless cracks of reality.
to seem cool. to seem smart.
but i wasn’t anything close.
i just wanted to be extra careful with my words with you because that was what love meant to me. the mixed up words that people do because they think they’re so clever. when we mixed ours up it wasn't conniving... just love. the words we used because we didn’t want to hurt anybody around us. the words we used when passing by strangers to make them feel happy when it wasn’t about them or about us. to point something out subtly for happiness. for a fleeting moment.
the pain others put us through.
the love we always wanted.
you & i- we were so thoughtful
we were the love story that couldn’t work
because of our first loves.
our first loves that ruined us.
that battered our minds and tore apart our souls.
and we craved the feeling of acceptance.
no one would ever have thought that about us.
but we craved for it so much.
but at the same time, i couldn’t care for it.
which was why i was the way i was.
it was all such a weird, exciting, and amazing time.
i wish i could have understood you more.
the first day we met,
i already deduced everything about you
and knew exactly what your heart was like.
i knew exactly how you thought
and i knew exactly how you wanted to think
i wish i could have built a time machine to know what your childhood was like.
to know the date and time you ever rode a bike for the first time.
the scent of what your mother’s perfume was like
what t-shirt you always wanted to wear in grade school.
i’m sorry if i seemed indifferent to you.
i was just lost. vulnerable. and i wanted to seem tough
so you wouldn’t think to take advantage of me
or think i was stupid
i’ll always miss you & our friendship.
we were so dumb, trying to stop our friends from doing drugs, but we were the idiot hypocrites using harder.
addicted with love
addicted to love
thought using,
could be the answer to make our love more sacred
more pure
more thoughtful.
never saying this to each other
but deep down, always knowing…
i hate that we used and normalized it so it influenced our friends to think it was okay to use
i hate that we thought using would make us smarter
i hate that we were selfish and selfless at the same time about it, but could’ve done more to better the world around us when using
i hate that we couldn’t understand each other in the important moments
i hate that we selfishly got high for our own pain
-
the night i wanted to make you laugh
so i put cigarettes in my ears and nose
the night i wanted to look cute
so i wore girly clothes and put on make-up for you
the night i wanted you to love me
so i did the things that would make you hate me
the night we got drunk
and made meaningless love
-
there’s something so stupid about cigarettes
and we both knew it
it’s the loudest voice-
like telling the world
"I'm already killing myself.
What you do can't hurt me.
Nothing you do affects me.”
at the same time, canceling out those vain thoughts comes the inner jumble of feelings:
“Why should the world care?
They don’t care.
What the fuck, why do I even think that the world cares?
I’m not important.
Why am I so addicted to something that causes pain?”
-
deep down i wish i stopped you from ever using
(to numb the pain your past love inflicted on you)
deep down i wish i never gave you coke on that dresser when you were already too drunk
(i just wanted you to feel happy even if it was artificial chemicals. i couldn’t do for you what those did... when i realized later on that could've killed you, i cried for days)
deep down i wish i opened up more
but i didn’t because i knew that meant pain
deep down i wish i could have learned all the crevices of your mind
deep down i wish i was the girl you loved first
deep down i wish i told that i didn’t mind i wasn’t your first love, truly, that all i wanted to do was hold you
deep down i knew everything that i already was & the coincidences reminded you of her and it killed me
deep down i wish we were childhood best friends having been grown up together
deep down i wish i never met you
i ended up in the hospital after everything we went through together.
I was so lost
you didn’t rip my heart out,
i just couldn’t bear the thought of losing my friend
and that will always break my heart than any love could ever
everyday there, i thought of you
wondered what could i have done differently-
i thought
what if i was smarter?
what if i looked like her?
but i was so obnoxious, i didn’t want anyone to like me.
even you
who i adored.
and then i erased it all and didn’t care about anything at all...
even though we don’t talk anymore-
because the pain we caused each other was just too much-
Pure Dew. Signs. Lush Green. Mountain Love
Kane’ohe. East, West, Home is Best. January 4. 2018
—
• • •
Driven around the island by a friend to get to the Waiāhole Poi Factory. It was an amazing time.
The remarkable beauty of the island can’t quite be captured through photos, but I tried my best.
Always thankful. ♡
I wish people could experience the heavenly parts of island life at least once in their lives.
Reminiscent Summer. Hawaii Kai Drive. June 15. 2016
—
• • • An Old Pal
Friendship with intimacy is a tricky concept.
Intimacy is the feeling of affection and warmth towards another.
It’s difficult. Remembering the old days, but not wanting to constantly reflect, but the past makes a person who they are now-
This was taken in 2016, I remember not wanting to go to my then-boyfriend’s side, so I changed my mind and got off early on the bus. I was walking back around this neighborhood, remembering the old days; work & adventures days of 2015.
Wondering what an old pal’s life was actually like; was he masking happiness or real moments of happy here-and-there? It was a confusing time.
Was it sliminess masked under kindness? It couldn’t be... I remember there were real moments of kindness sometimes.
What was once a good friendship, turned into something volatile; waste. Shows how a detrimental love can cause strife in living after that; more relationship & self-identity issues.
Not supposed to be that deep…
Peaceful neighborhood. Softly riddled with underlying man’s strife.
His cheapened ulterior motives? or just,
A lost friend from a “broken” family?
Man. Haleakalā: “House of the Sun” - Maui Volcano. 2007
Light. University of Hawaii: Mānoa. 2017
—
• • • Man
On a 7th grade band trip in Maui, I Luckily strayed off the trail to the side since I was curious, and captured a poignant shot of a man looking up at the sky. I was really into photography during these days and I was just so lucky to have captured this shot.
In the photo are two couples & one man; the couple each in one red coat, another dark, that were given to the chaperones & students to wear due to the high altitudes. I was lucky to catch them on the same side of the same color, and each together.
Haleakalā was awesome- the feeling of chilly excitement in the air, teeth chattering-
The feeling of being in the cold-
of being kinda jolty
& wanting to be somewhere - anywhere -
deep down,
knowing that whatever happens next’ll be a great time.
Not having to be warm because that was the last thing on our minds;
ourselves.
Ultimately, the man seems taken aback by the beauty of the sky; including the ground that he saw that I couldn’t see from my perspective- since the hill was in my way, and I was a way from the man and the others up the hill from below.
I wish I could have been able to run up and see what he had seen. I was on another trail with my 7th grade band peers headed somewhere else.
Catching this poignant moment of a man near others-I think I captured his gaze of amazement of God’s scenic creation of the sky and land.
It reminds me of Purpose of Man.
raw; amazed; stripped; vulnerable; loved; cared; speechless
- How the world may be difficult to experience, but the creation of God’s work is always something to dwell in, which ends with speechlessness, because life is truly exquisite.
Life:
How a man would think:
first; alone; sense of purpose; lost. • light is direction; hope; happiness; faith; strength; righteousness
-
The middle school’s band class would go to neighboring island’s middle schools to play at the interactive events and festivals and things that my band teacher would plan, and better yet, we also got to tour around the beauty of neighboring home islands.
I always think of Maui as somewhere in the middle-
Not as laid-back as the Big Island: Hawaii -
but not as modern as Oahu: home.
Definitely nothing fancy shmancy like New York, but the laid-back environment of the relaxing countryside of Maui was all worthwhile.
In the high altitudes, we got to tour around and see stars through telescopes when the evening set in.
It was so cold & dark that night of star-gazing,
the feeling of wonder & joy was cemented in the air amongst the clamor of my peers looking up at the sky.
taken with: Fujifilm FinePix 2600z
—-
• • • Light
University is such an interesting campus. Parts of the campus buildings look high-tech after lengthy renovations, and some buildings are left alone, looking a little more dirt-stained and worn-down. It’s hot or cold.
I grew up visiting University campus frequently in middle school & high school to study at the libraries & see the programs with friends at the time, so when it was time to start college, it was so boring.
There was no “new campus, fresh feel, new faces” vibes.
The “pressured” environment I so craved wasn’t there. That wasn’t the University’s fault, though.
The environment on non-fresh-eyes was just musky and worn-down and random high-tech buildings and boring lazily-dressed people and sunshine and laziness and worn-down and boring and..
-
Being born & raised in Hawaii, there was a weird feeling of being able to have an “undeserved vacation” anytime, which led to guilt and anxiety; ever since I was young.
Everyday I think: Do I do enough to be able to just relax and lounge around?
I don’t think so- Should I push myself harder to study harder to do something worthwhile & important “out in the real world”?
I can’t ever enjoy relaxing time when I do get it. I don’t know if it’s because I’m afraid of the term “wasted youth” mixed with “laziness”, or if it’s because I’m inspired to do more than I can to accomplish something amazing instead of just “lazing around in the vacation homeland.”
In the entire process of brooding since childhood, I feel like the way I’ve spent time has been wasteful. And that I could have done so much more, productively, had I had better focus.
How do other people living their life feel- do they rest their head at night reflecting on a happily productive day?
Are they okay with just lounging around, reading a few pages of a book, then call it a day?
What do other people do?
So when I finished high school and started University, I felt even more lonely with over-thinking, and eventually led to accidentally psyching myself with past trauma of other people and their conniving psych-outs, which made me feel that: I thought I wasted so many years practicing the piano at the studio instead of making time for my “friends.”
Also thinking about the “friends” that were rude to me because they thought I was pretentious. Then I realized they weren’t actually friends, that I wasted time not having enough confidence nor asserting myself, that it made me spiral into a darker pit as time went on.
It’s just not fair. Sometimes, I think Maybe that’s why I like to know about the “non-paradise” parts.
So I understood how others not from here could mark me as jaded or spoiled - or even selfish, but there was so much more going on that I felt like I didn’t have the right to complain about because- “Hawaii.”
And it’s not even something to complain about, really, because I didn’t put it in the ‘blame’ category.
The paradise paradigm/ paradox is still something I try to figure out.
But my photo of the sunlight streaming through the huge trees on campus reminds me of: Inspiration. Relaxation. and most importantly, Hope.
I am thankful for education and continue to study hard for my piano music degree to make the world an easier place for the next up & coming generations.
It’s about balance, really.
♡ - 17 years with my piano & counting. (circa 2001-)
the most loyal relationship ever.
My piano has been my best companion since I was 5 years old.
I vividly remember playing Swan Lake in 1st grade- Queen Ka’ahumanu’s elementary school talent show, wearing a tulle white dress and high ponytails.
Ever since I was 12 years old, I was dedicating long hours, practicing 5-8 hours of piano daily to participate in multiple competitions & scholarships, as well as prepping for annual recitals-
I’ve never worked more hard at anything in my life with dedication.
-
My life goal is to have my own piano studio one day & study to become a piano teacher, so it can be a safe haven for other students to practice in- like how it was for me.
titsay
romaincrisis
yousharknotpass