Meela

Heyy I'm 20F I'll probably use this as a diary/blog. I like to play on my guitar, learn, write and play videogames. I'm an ally (bi-curious maybe even), so this is an LGBTQ+ friendly "blog."

[wintersearose]

For M

I want You.

Not just your sexy, dominant, ruthlessly punishing side. Not just your cheeky, teasing side, the side that makes me believe I won't get any more spanks, but then you act otherwise. Not just the sides you show me now, as acquaintances who fuck.

Because we're not friends. We don't talk outside of our "meetings". We don't text, call, or hangout casually. We don't go hiking or to concerts, or watch movies at my place, or even at the theatre.

But I so wish we would. </3

You seem like such a genuinely nice guy. I wish we could be more than fucqaintances. Even if you don't want a relationship, I wish we could at least be friends with benefits.

Real friends with benefits, not the kind who call themselves that, but are actually not even friends.

I wish we'd go swimming. The way your hair would fall flat on your face because of the water... Or are you the type who cannot stand the feeling of wet hair on their face? Maybe you'd brush your hands through your hair to move all the wet strands off your forehead. I would watch as you do so, and only the two of us would know that I'm not just looking at you as a friend. I'd watch out of desire and lust, and maybe... With time... Even with love?

I can't say that yet. Love is a powerful and complex feeling.

Please, universe, God, gods, or whoever might look over me, let me experience a genuine, exclusive, romantic, sexual, AND friendly relationship with this man, M. K., and I will learn, thrive, or both. I will take it as a lesson learned, or I will have a successful, healthy, happy relationship with him, while being able to fulfill my full potential in my studies, my career, and my personal goals.

He already helped me get moving the first time we met, after a year of not seeing each other. You know damn well I would be a better person, a healthier person, if I'd meet up with him more. Seeing him so healthy and fit makes me happy. It makes me want to become like him.

But I'm not greedy, nor impatient. The time will come when I'll call him mine, and he'll call me his. For now, my priorities are my grades and my studies. Men can wait.

[wintersearose]

Been texting with a 27 yo for a while. We were supposed to meet up today, but I unexpectedly got my period (I think, cuz it’s not really heavy yet), so I cancelled.

So we’re texting and I go “Yeah, I really was looking forward to seeing you. ☺️”

And this grown ahh man writes back:

“Well, me too 🤤 we woulda had seggs all night 🤭🤪”

…

[wintersearose]

TURNS OUT HE’S 36 !!! WTF

[wintersearose]

“You all don’t value as much as MY MIND!!”

I will never let myself forget the words he said when he broke up with me.

“Don’t think I only blame (my besties name) for our break up! You are a sinner as well! You are not innocent.”

Kind of reminds me of that saying “If a relationship is not working, it’s two people’s fault… His and his mother’s.” except in my situation he blames me and my bestie. Lol

My bestie was with me through thick and thin. We’ve been friends for over 10 years. She’s basically my sister.

No matter what I do, she loves me unconditionally and vice versa. No matter how long we haven’t seen each other, we always pick up where we left off.

“Where were they when you were on your senior year?? Your family? (My besties name)? They were nowhere! They were never there for you! I was there for you! Always!”

Not true. My sister helped me better than you ever did. She helped me without getting frustrated, without yelling and/or getting pissy about me not understanding things. She was patient and kind. You were impatient, aggressive and dismissive of my thoughts and feelings.

“They will never be there for you! And now that you’ll be alone, you won’t have anyone who helps you, you won’t have anyone who cares for you! You will see!! You will see, (my besties name) won’t be there for you, like you were there for here!”

Literally suck ass, you fucking loser. You know what happened after you broke up with me? I called and/or texted my sister, my mother, my bestie, my other bestie and I didn’t even have to call my cousin, she called my because she heard what happened and was worried about me.

The all were there for me, then and there, me at my lowest I’ve been since quite some time. They were all there to listen to me and help me through it. They helped me realise that all the things you said were full of shit! They helped me realise what a narcissist you are. They listened to me cry for hours.

And guess what? My bestie, who along with me ruined our relationship (apparently), travelled about two hours to come over to my place and be there for me. You hear that?? She was (and still is) here for me, and helped me start my way through this grief. Without her, I might’ve drowned in my thoughts and sorrow. But she was there and she brought brownies and chocolate, just like I brought chocolate ice cream when she broke up with her boyfriend.

She’s always there for me. My family’s always there for me. My friends are always there for me.

I just have to learn how to ask for help, company, support, etc.

[wintersearose]

He broke up with me less than a month ago and people are already telling me I should get over it.

I wanted to break up too, but it still hurts. He was my first bf. 💔

How can someone who looked at me with pure love be the same person as the one who told me I will never be good for anything other than one or two rounds? How heartless… I was baffled.

[wintersearose]

I’m pretty sure this bitch stole my bra

(bitch = ex-boyfriend)

[wintersearose]

Uhh nevermind I found it

[wintersearose]

Been texting with a 27 yo for a while. We were supposed to meet up today, but I unexpectedly got my period (I think, cuz it’s not really heavy yet), so I cancelled.

So we’re texting and I go “Yeah, I really was looking forward to seeing you. ☺️”

And this grown ahh man writes back:

“Well, me too 🤤 we woulda had seggs all night 🤭🤪”

…

[wintersearose]

I’m pretty sure this bitch stole my bra

(bitch = ex-boyfriend)

[wintersearose]

WE BROKE UP

[wintersearose]

Y'all

I've been in a relationship for over 7 months now.

I love him so much, he's my best friend. ❤️

[wintersearose]

This is so cringe lmaoo

My best friends are my homegirls. Period. 🩷

[wintersearose]

How did it get to this? 🫩

[wintersearose]

Men are soooooooooooo sensitive ughhhh

[wintersearose]

Y'all

I've been in a relationship for over 7 months now.

I love him so much, he's my best friend. ❤️

[wintersearose]

my mom: Why don't you open up to me about your feelings??? GUESS IM A BAD MOTHER me: *opens up about my feelings* my mom: You cry so much! Only narcissists do that! me:

[wintersearose]

BALDUR'S GATE 3 REFERENCE IN

MCL NEW GEN

It's Goosetarion!

[wintersearose]

Omg I'm at the beach right now and there's an old lady in a lesbian flag colored shirt

...She's here with her husband.

...She probably doesn't know they're the colors of the lesbian flag.

[wintersearose]

Dear M,

I want to let you go. I want to stop thinking about you so much. I want to know whether you think about me as well or not.

I'm writing this to let go of my negative feelings like self-doubt and hopelessness. I know you'll never read this; even if you did, you couldn't possibly know I wrote it for you. Despite this, I am writing this message to you to finally be free of this burden called "love".

I am not actually in love with you. I am not in denial. I know my feelings.

But over the past few weeks, I've grown fond of you.

In the beginning, I was even infatuated by you. You're so handsome, yet average. Gentle and caring, yet rough and sadistic.

I developed a huge crush, although I told myself I wouldn't. Not again, and yet I did.

The way you made me feel when we were together... We weren't "hooking up" or "fucking". We made love...

You called me beautiful; my face, my body, my eyes, my smile...

You said I'm yours. And I agree I was, I still am.

My heart really does belong to you. If you texted me now, asking me if we could meet up tomorrow, I'd say yes. I'd cancel the date I had planned with a guy who would've probably been a rebound anyway. He made a reservation at a café, but I don't care.

I might be selfish, but I want you. Just you, no one else. Just you, for myself.

And this is exactly why I'm writing this message; I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to be a bitch and cancel a date for a guy who doesn't have time for a relationship now.

I don't want a rebound, I want you.

I don't want... To be alone.

We would be so good together, so beautiful. I bet your mum would like me, she seems like an angel. She might be, after all, she raised you and your brothers.

Your family seems so loving. A little messed up with all those siblings, but definitely a big, loving family. You seem close. I want to be a part of that too.

I want to be the nice and sweet girlfriend your mother is bragging about to her friends. I want to be in on your jokes. I want to go on vacation with you. I want to help you build your flat in any way I possibly can.

I want you to come and see me dance at my graduation. I want to see you in the crowd and immediately feel that tingle in my tummy as my eyes shine up from happiness. I want to finish my dance and run up to you to wrap you in a big hug. My whole class and all the teachers would see, as well as some of the family members of my classmates. But I wouldn't care. Most of them don't give a fuck anyway, and to those who do, I say: "Keep looking, we're a cute couple, aren't we?"

We would be. We could be.

Maybe one day, we will be. One day, when you're not busy with the renovation of your new flat.

But for now, for the sake of my mental health, I need to let go of you.

Thank you for everything.

For the pleasure... The sweet pain... The deep conversations... The light conversations... The flirty texts... The motivation... The confidence...

Everything.

I love you

Goodbye...

[wintersearose]

I wonder if he thinks about me...