Hi yato, I've got a wish. I wish that I can find purpose and meaning to life. Lately I've felt like a failure and I don't see the point of trying to live for joy or happiness or hope. I don't want to kill myself but I live in constant anxiety about being a failure. I don't want to feel like this anymore. And it's silly to ask you for this wish, but I'm getting pretty desperate. I keep disappointing a lot of people and I'm afraid of trusting others/burdening them with this. Advice?
I’ve definitely been there, too. I think a big part, as hard as it is, is finding at least one person you can talk to about everything without having to hold yourself back. It’s really hard to push back against that feeling of not wanting to bother people with your troubles, but sometimes you really need to just find at least one person who will listen to you. In the meantime, I don’t know if you do already or not, sometimes just writing everything out on a piece of paper can help (or on your computer/phone, whatever’s easiest/most private if you don’t want anyone else seeing it). Sometimes managing to write everything down in words helps put things in a way that makes it a bit easier to actually find a way to tackle them. When you’re caught up in your own thoughts, everything sort of tangles together. So separating them is a good step to getting yourself organized.
As for a purpose, I feel like that’s sort of something that comes with time. And it’s not always obvious at first, it’s probably something you do every day at least in some way but it just hasn’t clicked yet. Til you find a bigger purpose, smaller goals are okay too. Start out making goals literally just for the day, both things you need to do and things you want to do. Then slowly expand that into the week, month, year. Even if it’s something you’re not sure you can accomplish, still add it to that list. If it doesn’t get done, just add it to the next one and keep working towards it. There’s really nothing that has to be done within a certain time frame; if you don’t meet a goal by when you originally planned, it’s okay.
Lastly, the disappointment thing. It’s okay to be a bit disappointed in yourself sometimes, you just can’t linger on it. Lingering on those thoughts is basically what will eat you alive and make it harder to move forward. As for other people being disappointed, I know it sucks, but if you’re doing the best you can do, that’s all you can do and they should know that. But also, if they haven’t explicitly told you that they’re disappointed, try not to put words in their mouth. It’s easy for your mind to tell you people around you feel a certain way, but it’s not always accurate. Especially if you are already feeling down on yourself, your thoughts will project onto other people even if that’s not how they really feel.
I won’t lie, all of this is a process and it can take a while. And you’ll have your bad days still, and that’s okay. The main part is being able to take a breather and keep moving forward.
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