idk if you still come here but thanks again for your wriTINGS
oMMg are you talking about my ooold infinite fic? PP&HH??? abbdjsjx i forgot that existed omg i love u thank u so much 💖💖💖💖💖💖 waaaaaaaa 💓💓💓💓
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@wishfultoinfinity
idk if you still come here but thanks again for your wriTINGS
oMMg are you talking about my ooold infinite fic? PP&HH??? abbdjsjx i forgot that existed omg i love u thank u so much 💖💖💖💖💖💖 waaaaaaaa 💓💓💓💓
jsyk ive more or less “moved” to twitter? i might come back to tumblr at some point but im really active on twitter lol. in case anyone actually remembers me and wants to know where tf i went
@ melanthriel (it was created for my art but became overrun by ifnt in 2017 lmao)
uhhhhhhhhh several months late but i had changed my kpop twt handle to @ melanchriel so that @ melanthriel could be solely for my art
LAUGHS
just in case anyone still wants to get back in touch w me
Woohyun (ft. arms) in destiny era was legendary
jsyk ive more or less "moved" to twitter? i might come back to tumblr at some point but im really active on twitter lol. in case anyone actually remembers me and wants to know where tf i went
@ melanthriel (it was created for my art but became overrun by ifnt in 2017 lmao)
its almost a little funny, in a twisted way. my last post on here before today, a month ago, i said i was ready to kill myself. now one month later im mourning someone dear to my heart that did just that.
it hurts so badly. i’m so sorry, jonghyun. rest well.
Jonghyun was one of the most thoughtful artists I’ve ever followed. His support for the lgbt community and his advocacy for mental health has been a beacon of hope in an industry that denies both. I can’t even put in words how much he will be missed and how much this hurts.
jonghyun: is there anyone, from our blue night family, that is crying alone?
not crying of pity, but asking, “why am i living like this?” is there anyone that is feeling uselessly sentimental and guilty?
don’t be like that. i hope you think those bitter days of crying alone are the most beautiful days of your life. you’ll realize with time that your life is actually, pretty alright. i promise you. i’ll write you a guarantee!
the most beautiful thing in the world is right now, this moment, you. don’t ever forget.
today’s closing song is boohwal’s “friend, do you know? (친구야, 너는 아니?). until now, it has been blue night, this is jonghyun.
Rest In Peace, Kim Jonghyun. Thank you for your voice, your love, your smiles and for inspiring and making millions of people happy. You will forever live on in our memories.
blue night radio ♡ 170327 translation: fantaemsie
(to a listener’s message) jonghyun: when your tears are falling just let them shed. i wish you’ll think of it as if that weight inside your heart is getting out of your body drop by drop, like that.
jjong + blue night radio quotes [02.03.14 - 04.02-17] thank you jjongd. until we meet again ❤
blue night radio ♡ 170217 translation: fantaemsie listener (message): when i was a teenager i was a really gloomy child. it seemed like the whole world had turned it’s back on me. i believed i was the only one in the world. back then someone uttered these words to me: “everyone lives like that. you’re not the only one having a hard time. everyone lives in difficulty, and diligently, as much as you do.” at that time, rather than getting hurt by these words i thought: “that’s right so i’ve behaving like a child.” that’s why, from then on, i lived really diligently, only looking straight head. even though, because of my family’s circumstances, i got into college a bit late compared to other people, i pushed my own self with a rod of iron and i refused to face my own wounds since i trusted that, other than me, there are other people who are having a tough time and that everyone is living working hard as much as i do. i live diligently. then i thought: i could be even better, an even more of a good person. however, after i ran and ran diligently like that, now that i’m going to graduate i turned out to be someone who gets angry and annoyed at everything. i get angry at the words the other opponent would throw in without any meaning. i’d get angry with a: “what do you know?”. little by little i hated meeting other people and i’m just preparing to find a job while only looking straight ahead. however …, i suddenly got this thought: why am i comparing my own pain with other people’s suffering? why did i make other people’s misfortune the basis to my happiness? all of a sudden these words i heard years ago occurred to me again: “everyone lives like that. you’re not the only one having a hard time.” it seemed like i’d fall behind if i didn’t do anything, that i’d really become someone who’s oblivious to everything - casting a spell that everyone lives like that, that i’m not the only one having a tough time. i pressured and harassed myself. i couldn’t be caring to myself. i was only too strict to myself. i couldn’t love myself, the one that needed love the most. at last, i want to say this to myself: “you lived diligently. more than anybody else you lived fiercely. it’s alright. you can rest now.” today, my status message: “it’s alright even if you don’t do anything.” jonghyun: “everyone lives like that, you’re not the only one having a hard time.” these words …, i think it’s the most wrong way of consolation in the world. the comparing with the other opponent, with different people. you know how there are these words? “live with the courage to die”; well …, these words? i think it’s the worst way of consolation. comfort …, to someone who’s having a hard time, someone who’s gloomy / depressed, to an exhausted person, to say: “when you get these thoughts, think of …, when you get those thoughts, courageously, do something different …, ya, right now, since you’re having a hard time like that: you’re exhausted, tired and having negative thoughts. i think it’d be good to quickly put that energy on the move and quickly take care of the work you need to get done.” to be honest, that person was aware of this too. they already know it’ll be solved by quickly moving on. they really immensely wish for it to be that way. however, it’s not working that way. there’s another thing other than the body’s wounds that you can see with your own eyes: it’s the heart’s wounds and, because of that, when comforting someone, i think one should think of how there’s certainly another existence, something that my eyes can’t see. of course, me too, while talking about this, since there are certainly words i gave to someone and wounds i’ve received from someone, i wanted to complain and talk a bit about this to our dear listeners. when comforting someone, rather than consoling them by comparing, whether comparing them to yourself or another person’s situation, i think it’d be nice to just have a talk about that person, them solely.
during his final x - inspiration concert jonghyun sang the original (as in: the version before the final edit) version of lee hi’s “한숨 (breathe)”. he said that he was singing it (as a special treat, essentially) because it was the last concert. (source: crankin1209 / notbaesuji)
to early emphasis: dear cloud’s nine has confirmed that she was asked by jonghyun to post his final note before passing to fans. she has also confirmed that she was given the blessing from his family to share it with the world. you can find confirmation of this here. below will be proper triggers for this post as it is not easy to read. i will also leave nine’s comment that she left on her post as it is important in regards to why she was asked to post it. if you feel that i have missed any please do not hesitation message me on my personal blog (jaekyung) and i will add them as quickly as i am able to. also thank you to sonexstella for translating. —- trigger warning(s): death tw, depression tw, suicide ideation tw, suicide tw nine: i said my final goodbye with jonghyunnie. even after seeing his smiling portrait of the deceased, it still feels like jonghyunnie will come to me and smile as if all of this was a dream. starting from awhile back, jonghyunnie told me his dark and deep internal stories. i think each day was very difficult for him. i kept having uneasy thoughts so i made it known to his family and tried my hardest to capture his heart but it only ended up postponing time and i could not block his last (action). i still cannot believe he is not in this world and it’s so painful. i’m still afraid, not knowing if it’s the right thing to upload these words but jonghyun himself asked me to please upload these words if he disappeared from this world. i wished this day would never come … after discussing with his family i am uploading his final note, according to his last wishes. i think that there must be a reason why he left this up to me. i worry that there will be controversy. however, i think that he predicted this and asked me, so i decided that i will do the one last thing i can do for jonghyunnie. i hope everyone knows now that jonghyun was not alone and that he worked hard … that he did really well … please thank him for withstanding well … beautiful jonghyun, i really love you a lot. going forward, i will love you a lot. in that place, please don’t be in pain and i hope you will be peaceful … —- i am broken from the inside. depression that slowly ate away at me ended up swallowing me. i couldn’t beat it. i hated myself. i held onto memories that have died out and, even though i shouted to snap out of it, there was no response. if suffocating breaths will not open up it’s better instead to stop. i asked who can take responsibility for myself. it’s you. i was completely alone. it’s easy to say you’ll end it. it’s hard to end it. i lived up to now admist that difficulty. you said i wanted to run away. that’s right. i wanted to run away. from myself. from you. i asked who was there. i said it was me. again, it was me. and once again, it was me. i asked why i kept losing memories. it’s my personality. i see. in the end, it’s all my fault. i hoped someone would notice, but no one knew. never met me, so of course, no one knew i was there. i asked why i was living. just. just. everyone just lives. if i asked why someone would die, you would say you’re exhausted. i suffered from concern. i never learned how to change tiresome pains into joy. pain is just pain. i urged myself not to be like that. why? why can’t i end it according to my own will? i tried to find out why i was in pain. i knew too well. i am in pain because of myself. it’s all because it’s my fault and because i’m foolish. teacher, did you want to hear these words? no. i did nothing wrong. when he blamed my personality with a quiet voice i thought it was so easy to be a doctor. it’s fascinating to see why i’m in this much pain. people who have more hardships than i do live well. people who are weaker than me live well. maybe that’s not it. of people who are alive, there is no one who has more hardships than i do, and who is weaker than i am. despite this, i was told to live. i asked why this is the case a hundred times, and it’s never for me. it’s for you. i wanted it to be for me. please don’t say things you don’t know. find out why it’s difficult. i told you many times why it’s difficult for me. with that, is it not possible for it to be this difficult? does there need to be more concrete drama? are you wanting more of a story? i already told you. did you not pay attention? what i can overcome doesn’t leave a scar. colliding with the world must not have been my fate. being known to the world must not have been my life. that’s why everything was difficult. colliding, and being known was difficult. why did i chose that. it’s a funny incident. it’s commendable that i was able to withstand up to this point. what more can i say? just tell me i worked hard. that i did a good job. that i went through a lot. even if you can’t smile, please don’t send me off in blame. you worked hard. you went through a lot. goodbye.
the story by jonghyun ♡ concert teaser
I just want to say
This time is probably the hardest I’ve ever been through as a Kpop fan. This whole last year has pretty much been horrible. Infinite not coming back. Hoya leaving Infinite. Onew’s situation. Now this.
People who aren’t kpop fans can’t understand. They can’t understand how we spend our days poring over their pictures, their interviews, their v lives, their statements, whatever we can get our hands on to be closer to our idols.
They can’t understand how we may never have met our idols, but they are as real and human and special to us as any person can be to another. The hours of time we’ve spent loving them, learning about them, loving their music… those are hours invested in that idol’s heart and mind and soul, just as much as any heart to heart talk could be.
Jonghyun wasn’t my bias. In fact for a long while I didn’t even like him that much. I called him blinger.
I changed my mind, in time, when I got to know him better, when I saw how he truly was. I said to my friend,I’m so glad that I changed my mind. I’m so glad that happened.
I read his final notes and all i can think is, God how hard he tried. How hard he worked. I’ve been depressed. I know what that is. To get up on a stage and perform for others? To write songs and sing them? To be so fucking kind? That takes so much enormous strength and heart, it takes more strength than I ever could have summoned. So take it from me, he tried his very best.
Depression is not just feeling sad or being a little blue or whatever. It’s not something that you power through. It’s something you endure. It’s something that you claw and cry your way through life carrying, just trying to make it from one 24 hours to the next. The pain is like nothing anyone can describe. You hate yourself for not being normal. You hate other people for being normal. You want to be happy but you just… can’t.
So firstly, tell anyone who makes fun of you for crying or being devastated by this loss to go fuck themselves. Twice. Because the person we have lost made his mark on us, on kpop, on fandom, on his fellow artists.
And secondly, remember that he did try, so so so hard.
You did well, Jonghyun-ah. You worked hard. Rest sweetly.
Love, Bunny.♥♥♥
한숨 (breathe) - lee hi composed by: kim jonghyun + wefreaky lyrics by: kim jonghyun arranged by: philtre (planet shiver) translation by: @ikon0t7 take a deep breath; so that either side of your heart becomes numb. exhale one more time. until you feel the slightest of pain; it’s alright if you feel so full of air; that you feel, nothing’s left inside you anymore. no one’s blaming you. it’s alright ot make mistakes sometimes. it happens to the best of us. the words, “it’s okay” - they may be nothing but words, but isn’t there a day that i can, do something about somebody’s sigh? that deep breath of sorrow. i can’t understand your innermost thoughts; but that’s okay. i’ll take you in my embrace. i’ll take you in my embrace. to others, your sigh may seem like one of tiredness, but i know that you spent an entire day so different that the smallest breathe is hard to breathe. don’t think of that any longer; take a deep breath. but, isn’t there a way that i can do something about somebody’s sigh? that deep breath of sorrow; i can’t understand your innermost thoughts. but that’s okay. i’ll take you into my embrace. you’ve done so well.