You ripped me piece by piece
like how a love-struck middle school boy did with that one stalk of wild rose he found
And I went home and tried to devour your words that were ringing in my head
like the other words i used to serenade myself to sleep
and I told myself that I needed to prove to you that you were wrong
That I am not the B or C that you hold me up to be, based on what adults who should have known better tagged the complexity of my uncoventional and scattered thoughts
And after all of the battle between demons who long lived within
who have been chopping and cooking me up like dinner on every night's table
I went to bed, with no more words, because I told myself that I should stop
But I should have known that I will not be able to escape those voices dancing around my ears
Swirling the air, wrapped around me like the lullabies my mom used to sing to me
Whispering the "no you are not good enough, just like how he saw you to be"s
Whispers that I have never been able to drown out, only occasionally
Guess what, those same words were the morning songs of birds speaking gracefully right outside of my window
they were the ethereal sunlight that was suppose to shine and fall beautifully onto the side of my bed
telling me that it is going to be a good day, another day, a new day
they were the pancakes and butter and breakfast tea that were served on the table with my parents sitting by it, laughing and showing me how happy they are
they were the mornings that I have always had
teachers and school tests claim to know who I am the moment I circled a C instead of the B like everyone else is suppose to
And I took out that box with an A written on it
Tried to fit myself in that 6x6x6 like how cats always do
I was in there and I felt suffocated
I felt the burden of the air weighing on my chest
Because what I was given inside of the box are the usual O2s that everyone else is forced to live with
And I am a stranded being from another planet who relies on so much more than an alphabet to live
You were the O2s that choked my lungs like how the smog clogged it up with black soot
And I am no different from you
Because the box that I so willingly trapped myself in
Were built with the help of the very pair of hands that wiped the lone angry night tears that I shed
And after all of these realizations
I am sitting in an empty room wondering how can I learn to not hate the person who I force myself to be when I am in the box
Because I still want you to stamp an A on my forehead proving that I am more than what a 4.0 can determine
Just like the products in this factory where barcodes represent our market value and identity
And I do this over and over again, with every sunrise and every sunset
Just like what you did to me, I rip myself petal by petal, flesh by flesh, layer of skin by layer of skin
wishful thinking, that I will one day fit in that box
I am now left laying on the ground with nothing but my coloured bones
Red liquid dripping away the life that was never alive in me
This time I can hear chirping coming from outside the window
with sunlight pouring into my room like paints splattering all over on a white canvas
I get up from the floor admiring the flawed skin on my chest like I have never before
I decide to make myself some pancakes
And as I flood the two pancakes with maple syrup
What I need is to unlearn how not to be
And allow the becoming of myself
I need not prove to you my worth
For that is something that I only need to show that one person who has been wrong this entire time
That one person whose judgment of my worth that truly matters