No matter what anyone says, I am exhausted living like this.
I am tired. Literally. Truthfully. BUT NOT COMPLETELY.
I am tired of getting extremely paranoid and following utmost sanitization when the virus comes too close. On these days, the skin on my hands is peeling due to harsh sanitizers and handwashes and I am afraid to wear the powdery gloves.
I am tired of getting paranoid and then turn lazy and so I try to decrease the severity of my behaviour. I watch more series on these days and get less sleep. But my face starts looking pale. Not the juicy pale. The unhealthy pale. The dull pale. The no glow kind of pale.
I am tired of being called too much for being careful or being called too hyper for calling out on things. On these days I hate the "bro, chill" sentence. And my hair looks more frizzy because of tossing and turning a lot in my sleep.
I am tired of not being able to talk to my loved ones. I barely manage some assurances and soon exhaustion creeps in without any reason. I fumble what to tell them and so I tell them I am on my duty and hang up. On these days, I don't look in mirror.
I am tired of getting irritated from carelessness of patients and then tired of their helplessness responsible for their carelessness and then more tired of seeing myself not being able to look at them empathetically in the first place.
I am tired of the people putting up videos for exposing damaged facilities of government hospitals for this has existed since time immemorial but it gained enough eyes only when it is so direly needed by all sectors.
I am tired of many pretending they did not know anything about the horrifying conditions medical fraternity is going through because I do not remember anyone ever enquiring about it. Well, "tu doctor hai tujhe kiski kami hai" remarks have been more common.
I am tired of people not realising that healthcare workers need better hospitals and hygienic conditions as much as privileged patients who cannot bear to stand in government hospitals. We are not happy working like this because God knows no other creature deals with the smelliest of your body secretions on a daily basis. We need it for us and for you.
I am tired of not being able to take some days away from the pain that exists everywhere. Of not being able to visit home and relish the pampering of my family members because I might infect them. I am tired of being afraid of accidentally touching my friends or being in the same room with them. I am tired of not being able to ask for a sip of water no matter how thirsty I am and denying it to others no matter how much I want them to have it.
I am tired of so many things. Yet I am not tired completely. Because this is the tip of iceberg. I look at people around me. I look at people above me. Everyone trying their best and yet failing somewhere. On busiest of casualty nights when I come back drenched in sweat with a report, my ward mavshi offers me a seat and my heart smiles silently and I am comforted by the realisation that I am not alone in this. And just when I try to absorb this beautiful feeling someone shouts, "Aye intern, baithi kyu hain? Iska sample stat mein run karwa ke laa jaldi."
And however tired I am, at that moment I realise I am not yet tired COMPLETELY.
