The butterflies, the eyes, the lips, the hello. It was all too good to be true. But, it was good and it was true- at least I thought. I was in love, more than I ever could have been at this point. The love was steamy, hot, passionate, a movie. Our chemistry indescribable, together we were everything anyone would want to be. I was promised sweet nothings, a future, a family. Little did I know what I thought was our home, was his escape. There were signs.. I ignored them. Any girl would, when you have perfection why would want anything else or even hear anything else? When your in love and I’m talking that deep love that you don’t even realize whats happening in the outside world; why would you want to see faults?. That, R&B love, where the worst could happen and you want to still ride it out. Id like to think that it really was all true that, every second, every intimate moment was authentic and perhaps it was but sitting here it’s hard to conclude that my perfect love story was perfect. It felt perfect.. but was it? I ask myself this all the time- every day. Im confused, I love him dearly but at such an age why go through hardship? This is were the fun is suppose to be. I truly want what he wants, but I also want him to explore every avenue and if those avenues lead back to me without a doubt we’ll be great.. However, there is so much unclosed doors and a lack of trust... how does one go on from that? But, I look at him and I still get lost.. in the words.. in the eyes. More importantly the ‘what if’, what if I allowed myself to love him for everything he is? what if I kept this?, what if I don’t?, what if the only reason he feels obliged is because hes an amazing provider to those who cant yet provide for themselves? What if, we just love each other nothing more- nothing less. These days, I bring myself to the moment where we exchanged I love yous in a very unconventional way. I remember the first date, on the pier where I stood there and instantly lost myself. I find myself in moments of good to forget the bad, im not sure where this post was leading.. But I know I haven’t blogged in awhile, so I’ll leave you with this.. I feel lost, i came home from Asia knowing exactly what was next and what was the working end, and now it feels cloudy.
