✞ 666 ✞

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@wjck3d
✞ 666 ✞
Weird I am
Tristan Elwell
Tightrope
The Munsters - 1964
this is the last time i beg for devotion
i dont expect you to love me. i know its hard to love the parts that break easily when provoked and the yelling and the crying that comes as a result. I dont expect you to love me through each argument and each breakdown and each stupid fucked up comment i make without even realizing it. i dont expect you to love me when i forget to take my medicine i dont expect you to stay because i know you dont deserve it. i know i hurt you more than i hurt myself sometimes and i dont expect you to put up with that. i dont expect you to stay up with me when i cant sleep while youre exhausted and i dont expect you to listen to me ramble.
but you love me through every moment you dont deserve and every moment you shouldnt and i dont understand why you do. you dont leave when i drag you through hell and back and i dont get it but i know i fucking love you through everything too
i. nothing feels right anymore.
i can feel my own heartbeat while laying in bed at
night. i used to not be able to. everything i see is a
blur. i cant focus on one thing anymore. i spend my
nights crying with my face pressed into my mattress.
i hold my stomach because i feel you there the most.
perhaps its the lack of food.
ii. nobody told me this would be so hard.
i was expected to get over you right away, but i cant.
i tried filling your missing spot with boys who do not
matter to me and its not working. i cant talk about
you without getting shit for it and maybe its my fault.
i’ve learned to keep my mouth shut.
iii. the thought of me disappearing sounds nice.
i’ve come to realize my name is ghosty for a reason
because i have a habit of vanishing when i get bad
again. nothing sounds nicer than trashing all of the
friendships i’ve worked so hard on fixing that still
aren’t enough. each comment is a slap to the face.
iv. i used to want to run away with you and i still do.
if i hadn’t ruined things, maybe we’d be somewhere
else right now. somewhere we can breathe. away
from our mothers we always talked shit about. i
know you made fun of your ex for saying this but its
a valid point.
v. my heart will always be yours.
you’ll remain the boy who finally made me feel
something after years of being numb and shutting
people out. i promise i tried and maybe thats where i
went wrong.
vi. i finally deleted your playlist the other day.
however, each song that plays still reminds me of
you. i found a new song that makes me cry every
time it plays yet i still play it.
vii. i don’t know how to get over you.
nothing i do is enough. the distractions will stop
sooner or later and ill be stuck again. i try so hard
every night not to call or text you and cry to you. i
don’t know how much longer i can hold off.