✤ ─ superficial with a rotten soul

"i'm terrified that i might never have met me' cody tolentino graphic designer with a love for understanding why people are the way they are. bartender @ scandals. hottest member of new directions.

[wmucody]

TITLE: Saboteurs of Good. DATE:  Friday, 5th April 2024. SONG INSPO: Moth To A Flame - The Weeknd. SUMMARY: Frannie seeks out advice from Cody about her self-sabotage impulses.

The rowdiness from Happy Hour had settled down. The lights were dim and the music was feeding the delicate ambience in the background. It was one of Scandal's slower nights - the bar seats occupied by the regulars. The shape of their misery embodied into the upholstery after years of finishing their days with a drink to help them build the courage to go home to their stagnant homes and love lives. Cody always blanked when people asked him what his number one fear was - was it sharks? A fear of falling? But as he was standing, leaning against the bartop, he was reminded that the fear of ending up alone, or even worse in a miserable home life, took the top spot in his list of terrors.

It was nearly his time to clock out. His hard-earned cash tips were sitting bundled into his pocket securely. He'd learned his lesson from keeping his tips out in a mug. Someone had stolen his extra cash only a few shifts ago so now his alert levels were up - especially when he was struggling after Spring Break. His father had decided to cut him off financially only a few days before they headed, and all the money he was relying on to get him through college on top of his wages had gone. So he was working back to back along with trying to sell any sort of designs he could.

The ring of the bell alerted him back from his land of stresses. Looking up to see a familiar Blonde lightened his facial features, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. As they made eye contact he nodded his head for Frannie to take a seat in the corner of the room, a seat that he knew was inaudible to the rest of the bar. To occupy the last couple minutes of his shift, he threw together a concoction of alcoholic drinks.

Just before he took the drinks over to Frannie, Cody jumped into the backroom. To change his black shirt into a more casual white t shirt. The regular scent of his being filled the room. The aroma revealing notes of jasmine, mixed with patchouli - an aromatic fragrance also bringing a small scent of lemon to it. Leaving the room, he picked up the tray of drinks as he made his way over to Frannie.

"So," He greeted her. "I was unsure what would de-wind you the most so I have brought a mojito but also an Espresso Martini. So you can decide what one you wanna drink first." Cody placed the tray down as he perched himself down on the closest seat next to the other. His eyes studying Frannie as he tried to read her state of mind. He was aware that there was feeling of self-sabotage, which he understood greatly. But he was definitely the worst person to seek out any sort of good influence.

"Are you at the point of no returning when it comes to possibly not ruining something good? Because then you'd get the irresponsible Cody. But if you feel like you want a smidgen of good influence? I will try my hardest to be the best influence for you."

[wmucody]

{{ ooc }} no longer apart of wmu & this blog will be writing a new story through a parallel universe 1x1 based on anyone but you.

[wmucody]

TITLE: In Melancholy, Admission Is Born. DATE:  Wednesday 28th February. 2 days after this interaction. SONG INSPO: Happiness by The Fray. SUMMARY: A drunken Cody contemplates reaching out to Frannie. OOC: A gift for Justine as WMU closes.

It had been 48 hours since Cody last saw Frannie. Since he crumbled any last foundations that could have been shaped into a platonic friendship - out of sheer reactiveness when she informed him that she wanted to be with Sam instead. It was his most toxic trait. To destroy something out of impulsiveness. To do before he thought. It wasn't the choosing of the other that had gotten to Cody because in all honest if he was Frannie, he would pick Sam over him too. It was the reality that she knew things about him that he didn't dare tell anyone before. And now she was a stranger with his deepest secrets.

His eyes narrowed at the sunlight, his facial reaction wincing at the same time. It was 7am and he had just been leaving an underground club on the outskirts of Lima. After his shifts at Scandals he stayed behind with a few other regulars who told him about the joint. And with his state of mind these days he wasn't one to turn down a potential good time. That was his problem. He couldn't go home. Because then he would be stuck with his thoughts.

Scrolling down his cracked iPhone screen, Cody was looking for the name of a taxi driver he was on first name basis with and who he has quite an established relationship with, who would save him in these certain times of needs when he just needed back home. The scrolling stopped in his tracks when he saw the contact name. Frannie Fabray. With a contact photo when they were both at the Fabray household, drunken and completely in awe of each other.

His fingers hit the green call button without thinking. The call automatically going to voicemail. As he slumped down on the building, his knees brought up to his chest and his head hanging cowardly, Cody listened to his options of leaving a voicemail. And without thinking, he began to ramble.

"Hey. I know you don't wanna hear from me.. and I know this is selfish of me calling you up, at this hour in the morning, with how intoxicated I am, when you're probably sleeping next to Sam. But I miss you. I miss you terribly, and the way you just got me, and how I got you, and how nothing else really mattered. Not even in a romantic sense. But, damn, remembering the pressure of your lips has been the cause of air being dragged from my lungs numerous times. But that doesn't matter now. Not a lot of things do. But I just want you to know I'm thankful for you. Because after months of feeling nothing deeply enough in my heart since walking away from Cedes, you made me remember I do have the ability to feel something other than the temporary pleasure I feed into my life. And, even in our times of not speaking, I will always remember us for what we had and not what we are now."

Clearing his throat, Cody listened to the phone operator. Press 1 to listen to your voicemail, press 2 to send, press 3 to cancel and hang up. His thumb grazed over number 2 but ultimately pressed down on number 3 before sliding his phone into his pocket, pushing himself to his feet as he began the shameful walk back to the campus grounds.

[smythesolo]

I mean hey, I'm happy to come give you allllllll the tips on scandal nights, just let me know.

[wmucody]

Of course, Sebs - I mean I don't feel comfortable taking tips off friends however your company will always be much appreciated. Honestly, although I am an independent 23 year old teenager, a part of detests my father for cutting me off financially, especially with my impulse spending.

[wmucody]

Feel like I have been so out of the loop with absolutely everyone and everything. I officially switched out of Spring Break party mode just before the weekend, and finally knuckled down into working on opening a small design online studio - so, if anyone needs any cool posters, graphics, and such - give your boy a shout. Kinda hoping that this along with more Scandals shifts & tips - hint, hint - can recuperate all the money I spent on touristy non-essentials, that I ended up losing across our accommodation anyway.

[wmublaine]

Of course I somehow managed to get sick the second we got back from Spring Break, which made being back in Lima in the 'spring' even more depressing. So thank you to all of you from the bottom of my heart for all the fun stories and pictures because I'm pretty sure I would've lost my mind without them. I pretty much never get sick, so this was... an experience.

Now that I'm feeling better (and high on an overdose of caffeine) could someone perhaps fill me in on what I missed this past week? And please don't tell me to just read the Muckraker, because we all know that's not exactly a reliable source.

[wmucody]

I hope you're all good now. There's nothing worse than coming back from a great holiday spirit to sickness - maybe it was the drastic change in temperature and also vibes.

I feel so out of the loop with gossip also - not like me at all. If you get anything juicy, let me know.

[wmu-cedes]

He was crying, and her heart physically hurt to see it. She had made him cry, or at the very least was a very large factor in the reasoning behind the tears in his eyes. If she could take everything back, somehow cut herself out of his life, perhaps she would do it. Causing Cody pain was never something she intended to do, but unfortunately it ended up happening anyways.

"This part of you that says you're no good... That's screaming at you. What is it saying? What is it claiming that you are? Because to me, you're nothing but goodness. Sure, you make me wanna do my head in sometimes." She stated with a slight chuckle, gingerly reaching up to dry his cheek with her thumb. "But you're funny, and kind. You're passionate about things, and those you care about. You're a huge ass dork, and despite the fact that you're scared about certain things, you still face them. That's brave as hell, and you're not giving yourself enough credit."

Mercedes took a step closer to him, their bodies brushing. "I'm not saying we need to be official, but let me help you see yourself the way I do. You owe yourself at least that, Cody."

[wmucody]

Cody pursed his lips as Mercedes' spoke about all the good things that he was, what she seen in him. And it seemed just a little too good to be true for him. But it was his own brain churning that false narrative throughout his head, his own self doubt streaming through every inch of his body.

He leaned his head into her touch, a soft smile forming and a chuckle falling softly at the mention of him doing her head in. Which was fair. He absolutely did his own head in as well. This was the first time he had ever been open with someone truly about the feelings and thoughts that occupied his brain daily. "I.." He sighed. Annoyance turned in his stomach at how hard it was for him to form the words he wanted to say. "I've had this voice all my life so, please, don't think it's got anything to do with you. It's just.. it's like there's a part of me which never allows me to be happy, and I'm filled with torment of a darkness." Cody stopped. His eyes examining Mercedes, her facial reactions, her body language. To see if there was any sign of her wanting to run, because he'd get it. As much as he didn't want that to happen. "I know I probably need to look into therapy or something. I've just never really admitted it out loud before."

As Mercedes came closer, Cody pushed her hair back behind her ear, his thumb tracing down the side of her neck. "I want you, Mercedes. I've wanted you from the moment I saw you. The only reason I ever walked away is that I wanted you so badly I couldn't bare what you'd think of me if I was open about everything that I feel on the inside."

[wmucody]

If animals could talk, which one would be the rudest?

Definitely moths. They already have ruuuuude as fuck behaviour so I'm gonna put my money on them.

[samevans-wmu]

As much as I want to live in that if-you-don't-look-everythings-fine kind of world, because damn! does it sound nice. I eventually peeked and it's NOT as bad as I thought it would be. Think if I worked there I would do more talking than working. Which is not good for business. Do you want to talk about it?

[wmucody]

That's not too bad then. It's always such a relief when you realise you haven't spanked all your life savings away. I'm starting to design a couple of boards to sell on Esty or something - get my creative juices flowing again as they have been terrible the past month or so. The regulars love a chat, so do other customers. It's part of the job - you should totally come do a trial shift if you are looking for a job. The tips are good. Only downfall is the slightly cringey, crappy music but Santana & I are working on it. Uh. I'm trying to just keep my mind off it if I'm being honest. There's like.. a lot.

[nickduval-wmu]

@wmucody

Not to get sappy or anything but ur definitely the friend that is a safe space.

I feel the overwhelming urge to, I dunno, noogie you or something, but I’m not. Because adults.

Glad to oblige, though. Anytime, anywhere, anyplace, I got you.

[wmucody]

You'd have to catch me first before you could noogie me, and hey, never too old for one of them.

I got you as well, Nickaroo. How's things been going?

[wmu-cedes]

Mercedes could count on one hand the amount of 'out of body' experinces she'd had in her short life. Yet nothing came close to how she was feeling in that moment. Her heart was in her chest, thudding away too quick to be healthy, and yet her stomach was doing flips. Her body couldn't tell if she was meant to be elated or scared. Her hands shook, and she crossed her arms around her chest so that Cody wouldn't be able to tell. He loved her. He. loved. Her. Cody. The man who she had assumed would push her away and never want to see her again loved her.

Yet, his words confused her further. He wanted her, but he didn't. He was scared to let her in.

Three short steps forward and she was closer to him than she had been since entering his room. The vulnerability on his features har her heart clenching and a fresh batch of tears rolling down her cheeks. "You don't get to decide what's fair for me, Cody. Only I can." she began, voice shaky.

How could she assure him that she was his, that him pushing her away wouldn't change that. That she would always love him no matter the void, or the darkness. "You know what love is, Cody?" She let out, tentatively reaching out to put her hand on his.

"It's a choice, an active choice to love someone. Not in spite of their flaws, or their darkness, or voids. It's to love them with those in mind. To tend to them, to take care of them." She licked her lips and glanced at her hand on his.

"We could be amazing if you only let me in. i want to love every part of you. I know it's scary. It's fucking terrifying to be vulnerable, but you owe it to yourself to at least try. Why punish yourself and deny yourself something that makes you happy?"

[wmucody]

Cody's breath seemed to get shakier by the second. His lips trembling that strongly that not even the force of him biting down on it could hide it. His eyes glanced down to the feeling of her hand on his. A small voice inside his head commanding him to pull away, to put space in-between them, and to push her away fully so he wouldn't have to face the realities of what he was feeling, and what it could all mean. To be that open with someone, to not be fully in control.

To be with Mercedes meant exposing everything that he liked to hide from the world. Cody had always danced with a darkness inside him for years on end now. He didn't know where it came from, but it began to show it's impact when he was a teenager. And it stopped him from ever feeling truly happy, no matter what he chased after in life.

"I don't," he replied softly to her question, somewhat ashamed. Sure he knew love - he felt it in the way he treated his friends, his grandmother, his brother, his work. But to be in love? That was a foreign concept to him. And at his own fault. He had pushed every person away previously who tried to connect with him in that way. A part of him, his inner child, blamed his parents for that. For having a loveless relationship full of arguing and conflict. He'd be damned if he ever found himself in a relationship like that, so he never tried to begin with.

As Mercedes spoke, a tear from his eye dropped down leaving a wet outline on his cheek. She was right. He did punish himself, day in and day out he punished himself. And for no reason as well other than he just didn't think he was deserving for anything good, so whenever something good came along he destroyed it. He didn't want to destroy Mercedes.

"I'm trying," Cody finally spoke, his voice cracking. "I don't know how to navigate this, Mercedes. A part of my brain knows I'm safe with you but the other, overpowering part is screaming that I'm no good, that I need to get as far away from you as possible so you don't need to deal with everything I am. I'm trying to separate the damaging voice from the reality of who I am but I'm worried I can't."

[wmufranniefabray]

FRANNIE: Hey! You started this. You're a definite ew. I don't make the rules, we both know this. FRANNIE: If I'm Regina, you're absolutely the Cady. Or the Janis. FRANNIE: Please. You do know what I mean. Don't play dumb. FRANNIE: I'm ew AND a loser? I've decided I hate you. FRANNIE: Smiling is funnnnn. And it's good for your soul. All the endorphins. FRANNIE: You tell me. How's it going?

[wmucody]

CODY: A DEFINITE EW? Have you seen me? I am hot and NEWLY SHOWERED. CODY: I'll take Janis. She was an icon. Bit manic, but that fits. CODY: Hi, I'm Dumb. Nice to meet you. CODY: You couldn't ever hate me. CODY: I mean. It's going.

[giselle-archive]

Who said you were always right? I didn't.

Whaaat? Okay, there is no way you were just wrapped up in tanning, drinking, going to the caves, and getting tatted. What happened to whoring in Mexico? I know why I didn't follow through, but I was expecting you to live the whore life for both of us. What happened with Cedes? Take it from me, avoiding things does not work out well.

[wmucody]

Oh I did. Did I not fill you in on that? So sorry, but it's a fact.

Whoring in Mexico was on the list however.. I don't know. When I got there I just wasn't interested. I thought it was down to the sun and just not really caring about it, but I think Mercedes ended up having a little bit too much of a grip on me than I'd like to admit. But then she went and kissed someone else anyway so I got pissy and froze her out. I know, that's not the way to go about things especially when she hadn't done anything wrong. But, hi, I'm Cody Tolentino and I never handle things right.

[wmu-cedes]

Her brows furrowed as Cody spoke, plump lips parting slightly. She hadn't meant anything by the comment she'd made, just figuring she would throw the notion out there, yet his reaction spoke volumes. "Cody..." She began, only to pause as he continued. Every word that left his perfect lips cut her. Like a window had shattered right in front of her.

Her body practically ached to step forward, to take his face in her hands and make him look her in the eye. So that he could see that she was his. That she always would be, but Cody was scared. Mercedes wasn't dumb enough to ignore that, or put her own emotions to the forefront.

"I didn't mean it like that., I meant it in terms of you and I not being together." She replied finally, shaking her head a little. Mercedes took a step back, fingers biting into her flesh beneath the fabric of her sweater. "I will always be yours. Even when you're icing me out, or when you're sleeping with other people." Her voice wavered and she realized tears had sprung into her eyes.

"I've been yours since we first met, Cody. I wouldn't be here if I didn't ca- No." Quickly, she covered her face, taking a moment to breathe. If she was going to lose him, really lose him. She might as well tell him the truth. Lay it bare, despite the fact that she felt that he knew. Even if it was subconciously.

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you, if I wasn't in love with you. Being away from you wouldn't hurt as much if my feelings were less." Her hands dropped and her gaze settled on his countenance. "You don't have to say it back, I'm not expecting you to. Hell, I don't even think you feel the same - which is fine... I just need you to know that despite the fucking pain that this past week has brought me, that I'm here because I'm fighting for you. For us - whatever 'us' is. I always will."

[wmucody]

Cody let out a shaky breath as he watched Mercedes start to crumble across from him. His hands were placed back together at this point, nervously playing with each finger, picking each finger nail to distract from the aching lump in his throat. As Mercedes stepped back, Cody stepped forwards towards her. It wasn't only a step towards Mercedes but it felt like he had taken a step out his own skin, like he was trying to push by dark, self-deprecating thoughts that held him back from ever being completely vulnerable.

"You don't think I feel the same?" He questioned, his lips trembling with the words of truth. "Don't you think that I've been driving myself crazy since we got home? I've not had a minutes piece from the indecisive battles in my head that no amount of sleep, or alcohol, or flirting with other people can quieten. Fuck, it is so fucking irritating that I can't block you out, Cedes. No matter what I do, you are at the core of my soul."

The words spoken was the first time he had openly admitted his feelings to someone out loud, it was the first time he had admitted to himself that his feelings for Mercedes were deeper than he ever made out. And it was terrifying. Especially when he believed that he was no good for her. That the mess of his thoughts and his own life was too much to handle, and that he could never let anyone be victim to his own ways when he couldn't understand himself at times.

"You don't want to love me, Cedes. I'm a mess. I have this.." He stopped, trying to look for the word to perfectly portray the darkness he felt inside him. That he had always felt but was more present in his every day life these days. "I have this void inside of me. It's not fair for you to have to deal with that, to deal with me. It's not what you want or need. And I think you just need to learn that I'm probably not the guy you think you're in love with."

[wmufranniefabray]

FRANNIE: Don't call me ew. You're ew. FRANNIE: Why? Does the truth hurt? 😉 FRANNIE: I feel that. And hey, from my end at least, the square brought us to this...confusing, but nice, situation now with Mercedes and with Sam. It's causing us a lot of muddling feelings, yes - but falling for someone is also quite freeing and exciting, in a way? Do you find that, too? FRANNIE: Like...I'm finding myself smiling at random points during the day. FRANNIE: No distractions, loser. You'll be fine. MAKE SURE TO BREATHE.

[wmucody]

CODY: I'm ew? C'mon, Theia, we both know that ain't true. CODY: The truth of me being a whore? I mean I'm pretty sure I knew that before u sent that gif. CODY: That's cute. Idk what you mean about the falling part but that's cute for you! CODY: Ur such a loser for Sam, man, but I love that ur smiling, we loveeee that smile. CODY: Sorry, what's breathing?

[wmu-cedes]

All week she'd been battling herself. Torn between feeling sadness, shame, guilt and anger. The odd time there was even happiness that maybe she could use all the stupidity transpiring between them to smarten up, to get over him. Yet that just lead herself into that vicious cycle again. She didn't have to say sorry, but obviously her actions had struck something within him, something that it appeared Cody wasn't aware of.

Her fingers cluched tightly to the fabric of her sweater, needing to hold onto something to ground herself. She wasn't ready for the conversation they were about to have. Not because she was afraid of what her emotions were, but because of what his were. Cody cared for her, that much was evident. Otherwise he wouldn't have gone through so much hassle on the night they went out. Nor would the kiss have affected him so much.

'But I can't do what I want can I?' she thought to herself. The one time she did, it had hurt him, and hurt her. The kiss hadn't meant anything, and yet it had thrown a wrench between the two of them. "Was it the kiss itself, or the idea that I might not be yours anymore?" She questioned, her voice small.

"Becuase I'm gonna be honest with you, the way that kiss made you feel, is how I feel when I see you flirting with other people Cody. It fucks me up every damn time, but I bite my tongue because we're not together." She paused then, looking up at him. "I'm not saying any of this to guilt you into something 'cause we both know you're not ready for that. I just... I need you to know that I understand where you're at, how confusing it is."

[wmucody]

His jaw tightened at her question. His head slanted to the side, eyes narrowing as he tried to read her. Breathe, he reminded himself as he realised he had been holding the air in his lungs since she mentioned about not being his anymore. The question felt like it had pierced his skin and the wound was bleeding all his vulnerabilities out in the open in front of them both.

"If you're not mine then what exactly are we doing here? If this is your way of admitting you're finally over me then why are we even bothering with this? Cause realistically if you're over me like you're hinting then we don't need to have this conversation and we can go back to just kissing whoever the fuck we want?" He said calmly, refusing to allow any hint of emotion to be expressed in his face or body language.

The way the conversation was going wasn't how he had planned their encounter to go. Heck, texting with Frannie earlier actually made him think about coming clean about how he was truly feeling towards Mercedes. That he couldn't picture himself getting with anyone else. Something that had never been felt before. But with what Mercedes said about not being his anymore, the want to do so left within milliseconds.

"But if that's how you're feeling and you're not mine, you also coulda let me know before or on Spring Break, or did you feel it before then? Cause you certainly didn't seem to be over me when we came back here and spent that night together."

[wmu-cedes]

Her brows rose slightly at the omission. So he hadn't been planning on inviting her over... It'd be a spur of the moment thing. Part of her was torn between being relieved and upset about that fact. Like he hadn't taken the time to think too in depth about what he wanted with her and just acted impulsively.

The air between them was stagnant for once. It wasn't as charged as it normally was, and it caused her stomach to flip. Mercedes was used to there being an underlying tension between them that was palpable, but that was gone. She pursed her lips and nodded slowly, taking in what he'd said.

"I'm sorry too." She let out softly, brown eyes falling to her feet. "I-" Her mouth closed, as did her eyes. "I just gotta know why. I get that I kissed someone but I didn't think you -" her words failed her again and she let out a loud breath, her brown eyes rising to rest on him once more.

Maybe if she cared for him less it would be easier to talk about.

[wmucody]

"You don't need to say sorry. Realistically you've done nothing wrong," Cody replied, positioning both his hands behind his back. His hands clasped in a way that he could twist his ring around his finger. The motion keeping his thoughts somewhat on track.

The flashback gushed it's way through Cody's mind. He was suddenly back in Mexico. Watching the kiss happen again. The reliving of it made him wince. He'd spent the last few days sitting. Pondering. Trying to figure out why he reacted in such a negative way when he had been doing the exact same.

"I don't know, Cedes." He finally broke the silence. His eyes dropped to the floor as he battled an intense feeling of shame. You could sit Cody down in a spare room and he'd find conversation somehow. He could talk the ears off anyone and everyone. People hating him for how often he speaks. But here he was. Speechless. Unable to fully explain how exactly he was feeling.

"You can do what you want. I don't want you thinking you can't," Cody said further. A sigh collapsed his posture. He went from a confident stance to a somewhat submissive posture. "I'm trying to be open with everything that I'm feeling right now. I'm sorry. It's like a constant," he paused, his hands now motioning circles. "I feel like I'm constantly just trying to figure out what I'm thinking and everything is 100mph. And it's just hard." His hands were shaking from trying to voice how he was feeling. "I just think the kiss took me off guard."